Wow.... I'm here in The Wishing Place!

Amazing.... so... something IS changing in me after all. :)

This blog was created as a 'balance'... yeah, I'm a Libra.  So sue me. ;p  But anyway... I wanted a place to vent, but also a place to dream.  At times the two blogs may crossover, but eventually.... how could would it be for both of them to be filled with mostly hope and joy and love and dreams?

I'm here, arriving to a place I've not visited in a very long time; me.

I'd put so much of myself into others; making sure others are happy, content, cared for, etc., etc., etc... that I've neglected the one person who I rely the most on.  How did I ever allow that to happen?  Well, it wasn't willingly, I'll tell you that much.

I won't go into the 'how I got here,' because all you need do is read the entries I've not deleted on My Lost & Found to see exactly how I got here.  Okay, so maybe I should say... how I got to where I WAS.  The past several days have been life-altering for me, and in the face of a grim future... I can feel that spark and glimmer of hope.  This hope isn't coming from the outside... this time.  I'm not looking to another to see how "I'm" doing.  I'm looking, this time, to me.

I have no idea what the future holds.  I acknowledge how precarious my life is at the moment.  I acknowledge the things I can't change at this very moment, but I refuse to let it rob me of joy... or hope.

Today, this week, I begin the process of LIVING.  I'd almost forgotten how to do that.  Today I reconnect with myself and begin to nurture what I've badly neglected for years.  I have plans.

I want to dance again.  I don't have to dance in a professional capacity, or even teach.  I just need to dance for the joy of it all.  I need to stop investing all that I am on someone who doesn't appreciate me, and begin investing in me.

It is two days til Thanksgiving.  I've no family to spend the holiday with, no money to buy groceries, no stove or oven to cook with/in/on.  I'm a little sad about that, but I can still be okay.  My BF invited me to spend Thanksgiving with he and his family, and he told his family I was going to be there.  But he decided to break up with me over my calling him out on something.  It would have been the first REAL holiday, family experience I've had in many, many years.  Most of what he's doing is deliberately to hurt me, to punish me.  Okay.

But I'm getting off-track again.... this post is supposed to be about hope.

I suppose the things in our lives shape us, especially if they're significant and emotionally charged and driven.  Breaking up with me within a couple of days of my little Tocho dying, within a few days of Thanksgiving.... I suppose that once I SEE that he's going through with this, once I get that revenge and inflicting pain is far more important than my feelings...then I suppose that will clarify a few things for me.  once that happens, moving on will be a little easier.  Not less painful.  Just easier.

I'm breaking out of my usual habit of trying to 'fix' any given situation.  Being in a relationship isn't supposed to be like owning an old, used car.  Having to 'fix' things constantly is a very bad sign, and even more so when ONE person is always being blamed and always being made to do the work to 'fix' things.  But enough of that....

Thanksgiving will come and go.  I will get past it.  These things are always made worse by the holidays, but... I can get past it.

The most important thing here is... when I'm fully living my life, the things that are good for me will stay, and the things that aren't won't.  It will all fall into place and all the answers will be given. :)

:)

Wow....

I just realized that this blog is even more depressing than my other blog. sheesh. This one was supposed to be about hope, joy, dreams.....

In hopes that I will have hopes... joy... and dreams again soon.......

Vascillating between pain.. and feeling numb

The love of my life broke up with me mere hours after our 6 month anniversary ended. I guess it wasn't terribly surprising since he seemed to become less and less tolerant of me, found things that used to be 'endearing'... as irritating. He grew to not like me. That crushes me beyond words, but how do I fight against that? I can't really.

You can't force someone to like you, much less love you.

He will never 'see' how much I loved and cared for him. He was so convinced that my feelings had changed, that my passion had faded...that I didn't try to connect with him on a deeper level....

I'm not a perfect person by any stretch of the imagination, but I think I'm pretty loving, giving, attentive, etc. I do deal with health issues that get in the way, and GOD KNOWS how hard I've tried to overcome/fix those issues. But it was never enough. I loved hard, deeply, passionately, wholly, and without limit. Yet there was nothing I could do, no matter how hard I tried, to get him to see or feel or understand how much I love and care for him.

In the ONE area that matters most to me.. I failed. The ONE thing that was most important to me (him)...I failed.

And I keep wondering how it is that I could love someone so much that I literally bubble up and over with it... and yet.. that love was never fully recognized in him. How could something that literally rocked my world and made me behave like a kid at Christmas, something that made me melt when I was near him, looked at him... *sigh* The mere thought of him would warm me inside.

...how is it that he could never see or feel this?

Couldn't he see it in my eyes?
Wasn't it evident in my voice?
Couldn't he feel it in my touch, when I held him, when we made love?
Wasn't it right there in my kiss?

I could feel the power of that love literally coursing through me like a powerful current. How is it that it never reached him? How could he not feel something that literally made me feel like I had wings?

It was all for him, though he told me I was selfish and myopic. That love, it wasn't for me. I didn't keep it locked inside and hidden, chained or shackled. It poured forth when I was around him. It lit me from the inside out when my phone would ring... and even when I'd talk about him (which is often). People would tell me that I literally lit up and glowed when I spoke of him. How could he not recognize this for what it is?

I wanted SO badly to tell him... open your heart, open your arms, embrace this with me! Accept this river of emotion I feel for you!

What did I do wrong? I can almost hear his voice telling me I don't 'get it,' that I don't get what he needs, that he feels lonely and unloved. And I'm so crushed and bewildered by that, because... I wanted SO much for him to feel more loved than he's EVER felt in his life. I wanted to give him that love, that feeling... for him to feel at peace with it, to feel protected from all the hurtful things in the world.

I just don't understand. I wish I were smarter.. something.. anything so I can 'get' whatever it is I fall so short of 'getting.'

He means the world to me... and he doesn't see or feel it. I love him more than life and try each and every day to show him. And it wasn't enough.

He misunderstands when I tell him.. "I miss you." When I hear him say that to me.. I beam inside. But when I say it to him... he thinks I'm being selfish. :(

I'm rambling. I'm in pain... and I'm rambling.

All this love I feel for him... so much love.