The love of my life broke up with me mere hours after our 6 month anniversary ended. I guess it wasn't terribly surprising since he seemed to become less and less tolerant of me, found things that used to be 'endearing'... as irritating. He grew to not like me. That crushes me beyond words, but how do I fight against that? I can't really.
You can't force someone to like you, much less love you.
He will never 'see' how much I loved and cared for him. He was so convinced that my feelings had changed, that my passion had faded...that I didn't try to connect with him on a deeper level....
I'm not a perfect person by any stretch of the imagination, but I think I'm pretty loving, giving, attentive, etc. I do deal with health issues that get in the way, and GOD KNOWS how hard I've tried to overcome/fix those issues. But it was never enough. I loved hard, deeply, passionately, wholly, and without limit. Yet there was nothing I could do, no matter how hard I tried, to get him to see or feel or understand how much I love and care for him.
In the ONE area that matters most to me.. I failed. The ONE thing that was most important to me (him)...I failed.
And I keep wondering how it is that I could love someone so much that I literally bubble up and over with it... and yet.. that love was never fully recognized in him. How could something that literally rocked my world and made me behave like a kid at Christmas, something that made me melt when I was near him, looked at him... *sigh* The mere thought of him would warm me inside.
...how is it that he could never see or feel this?
Couldn't he see it in my eyes?
Wasn't it evident in my voice?
Couldn't he feel it in my touch, when I held him, when we made love?
Wasn't it right there in my kiss?
I could feel the power of that love literally coursing through me like a powerful current. How is it that it never reached him? How could he not feel something that literally made me feel like I had wings?
It was all for him, though he told me I was selfish and myopic. That love, it wasn't for me. I didn't keep it locked inside and hidden, chained or shackled. It poured forth when I was around him. It lit me from the inside out when my phone would ring... and even when I'd talk about him (which is often). People would tell me that I literally lit up and glowed when I spoke of him. How could he not recognize this for what it is?
I wanted SO badly to tell him... open your heart, open your arms, embrace this with me! Accept this river of emotion I feel for you!
What did I do wrong? I can almost hear his voice telling me I don't 'get it,' that I don't get what he needs, that he feels lonely and unloved. And I'm so crushed and bewildered by that, because... I wanted SO much for him to feel more loved than he's EVER felt in his life. I wanted to give him that love, that feeling... for him to feel at peace with it, to feel protected from all the hurtful things in the world.
I just don't understand. I wish I were smarter.. something.. anything so I can 'get' whatever it is I fall so short of 'getting.'
He means the world to me... and he doesn't see or feel it. I love him more than life and try each and every day to show him. And it wasn't enough.
He misunderstands when I tell him.. "I miss you." When I hear him say that to me.. I beam inside. But when I say it to him... he thinks I'm being selfish. :(
I'm rambling. I'm in pain... and I'm rambling.
All this love I feel for him... so much love.
