Amazing.... so... something IS changing in me after all. :)
This blog was created as a 'balance'... yeah, I'm a Libra. So sue me. ;p But anyway... I wanted a place to vent, but also a place to dream. At times the two blogs may crossover, but eventually.... how could would it be for both of them to be filled with mostly hope and joy and love and dreams?
I'm here, arriving to a place I've not visited in a very long time; me.
I'd put so much of myself into others; making sure others are happy, content, cared for, etc., etc., etc... that I've neglected the one person who I rely the most on. How did I ever allow that to happen? Well, it wasn't willingly, I'll tell you that much.
I won't go into the 'how I got here,' because all you need do is read the entries I've not deleted on My Lost & Found to see exactly how I got here. Okay, so maybe I should say... how I got to where I WAS. The past several days have been life-altering for me, and in the face of a grim future... I can feel that spark and glimmer of hope. This hope isn't coming from the outside... this time. I'm not looking to another to see how "I'm" doing. I'm looking, this time, to me.
I have no idea what the future holds. I acknowledge how precarious my life is at the moment. I acknowledge the things I can't change at this very moment, but I refuse to let it rob me of joy... or hope.
Today, this week, I begin the process of LIVING. I'd almost forgotten how to do that. Today I reconnect with myself and begin to nurture what I've badly neglected for years. I have plans.
I want to dance again. I don't have to dance in a professional capacity, or even teach. I just need to dance for the joy of it all. I need to stop investing all that I am on someone who doesn't appreciate me, and begin investing in me.
It is two days til Thanksgiving. I've no family to spend the holiday with, no money to buy groceries, no stove or oven to cook with/in/on. I'm a little sad about that, but I can still be okay. My BF invited me to spend Thanksgiving with he and his family, and he told his family I was going to be there. But he decided to break up with me over my calling him out on something. It would have been the first REAL holiday, family experience I've had in many, many years. Most of what he's doing is deliberately to hurt me, to punish me. Okay.
But I'm getting off-track again.... this post is supposed to be about hope.
I suppose the things in our lives shape us, especially if they're significant and emotionally charged and driven. Breaking up with me within a couple of days of my little Tocho dying, within a few days of Thanksgiving.... I suppose that once I SEE that he's going through with this, once I get that revenge and inflicting pain is far more important than my feelings...then I suppose that will clarify a few things for me. once that happens, moving on will be a little easier. Not less painful. Just easier.
I'm breaking out of my usual habit of trying to 'fix' any given situation. Being in a relationship isn't supposed to be like owning an old, used car. Having to 'fix' things constantly is a very bad sign, and even more so when ONE person is always being blamed and always being made to do the work to 'fix' things. But enough of that....
Thanksgiving will come and go. I will get past it. These things are always made worse by the holidays, but... I can get past it.
The most important thing here is... when I'm fully living my life, the things that are good for me will stay, and the things that aren't won't. It will all fall into place and all the answers will be given. :)
:)
