Well dang...

So... here I was watching this totally eye-opening documentary about weight, illness, and juicing... called "Sick, Fat & Nearly Dead."  GREAT documentary, btw.  But I get to the end of the film and I'm totally psyched and thinking I want to try this.  I mean, people have and do use this form of fasting to get rid of chronic illness.  So why not?  Right?

Hmmmn....

Well, it seems that it costs MINIMUM $14/day to do this 4 juices a day fast.  :(  $28+ per day if you're trying to go organic.

No one believes me when I tell them I can't afford to eat veggies but a couple times a week or so.  $14/day, some tout, is 'nothing' compared to what 'people' spend on food per day.  Um.. WHAT people?  Because THIS people can't spend $14 per WEEK on food, much less per day.  Seriously.

And that juicer..... the one you really need so you can do this without it being a MASSIVE HASSLE; yeah, it's like $150 for the cheapest one.  Okay... one more way the rich can get healthier while the rest of us live it up on Top Ramen and $1 menus at McDonalds.  Okay, okay.. I do NOT do McDonald's.  EXCEPT their frozen Mocha Frappuccino.  Yeah, so shoot me.  At least I only have one about every 3 months or so.

So most of that sarcasm above is for comedic affect.  But I am majorly disappointed.  No one believes me when I tell them that eating healthy is EXPENSIVE AS HELL.  Those who spend $100-$250 per week on groceries have NO CLUE about what things really cost, because they don't have to worry about it.

It was suggested that I become an 'extreme couponer.'  Um.  NO.  First of all, nearly ALL the coupons I ever see (which is only a couple of times per month) are for food I do not buy or like, most of it being unhealthy stuff.  And... where do these coupons come from, I asked?  'Why they come from magazines and newspapers, flyers, etc.'  Um... have you seen the PRICE of magazines???!!  So you have to BUY an expensive magazine, newspapers, etc. to get a quarter off something?  THAT does NOT sound like a bargain to me.  I figure I've saved a MINT just by NOT buying magazines and newspapers!  I'm just sayin'...

My wish... i really wish I could incorporate juicing into my diet.  I wish I could do this to help myself get healthy.  I'm dealing with hives, and have been now for a month.  I'm dealing with weight gain from bad food, long periods of not eating, inactivity because I'm too damn tired to do anything.  I'm dealing with chronic fatigue from hell.  Juice fasting [aka "Juicing"] has helped people all over the world put their chronic illnesses in remission, helped them lose weight, gain energy.  But... they had the money to do it.

Can't see a doctor. Can't eat right.  Too tired to exercise.

I wish my life were different.  I wish I felt like I actually had a life or cared if I had one at all.

It's not.  And I don't.

I'm just sayin'....

Love, acceptance, appreciation, respect

It's SUCH a simple concept.  So why do so many have difficulty understanding that love requires those other three components (at minimum)?

The Romantic in Me...

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....is dying from neglect..
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Wishing... well

I would probably have better luck tossing coins into a well and hoping the act would elicit some response from God... but, I suppose talking about it will do.  For now.  I need my coins anyhoo.

I honestly could've filled this blog to bursting with the goings-on of late, but the experiences haven't been all that pleasant (for the most part) so I didn't see much purpose in posting it all.  All my thoughts at this point keep telling me to not share.  To totally, completely NOT share.   To trust NO ONE.  Few I trust.  I can only think of a couple of people, but I still don't share much with them.  Why?... One cares so little that it wouldn't matter (and probably do more harm than good), and the other cares so much that it would most likely do them harm to hear.  So... as you can see, there's a bit of a dilemma here.  I choose the safest route, meaning.... I tell no one and use my sounding board to let it all out.

WHY?... may be the first question you ask when you read what I have to say.  'Why did you post THIS in HERE?'  It's simple---not all wishes are good, or positive, or... well.

I don't feel good.  BFD for the most part.  Situation normal, as I often call it.  SSDD.  Whatever.  Some days are worse, some weeks are worse, and sometimes it goes on in an endless stream.  At those times, when there isn't any break from feeling bad... i just... want... OUT of it all.  I mean, who the hell can do this, FEEL like this for very long?  Everybody has a breaking point.

Weight gain... oh yeah, that's made it infinitely worse and added insult to injury.  Whatever.  I don't talk to anyone because most think (and some will SAY).... "why complain about it?"  Why?  Because chronic fatigue, chronic pain, etc... is MISERABLE, and when it goes on infinitum.... it wears a body (and mind) down.  Don't even get me started on what it does to a person's spirit.  Even those who begin with a strong, vibrant spirit can be broken in the end.

My spirit has been broken for quite some time now.  But I didn't know.  Not until recently.  Someone who doesn't even know me that well but who has seen me on a regular basis here and there over the better part of 7 years said.... "Ella, I worry about you.  It's like your light has gone out, like someone broke your spirit."  It took me back a few steps, those words.  For one.... I'm pretty much invisible, so for anyone to notice any difference (or even care) was shocking.

Invisible---I'm already invisible for the most part.  Outside of my bf calling a couple times a day, and he doesn't even like me, my phone probably wouldn't ring but maybe once or twice in a week or two.  Maybe not even that much.  Not unless it's a business call or wrong number.  The phone really just doesn't ring.  Invisible.  Part of me... actually likes that.  Weird.  But true.

As is the case with each and every minute or hour of each and every day.... I'm running out of energy and will need to stop typing here in a moment.  But before I sign off....

Wishing well...  I suppose there are a lot of ways to take that.

Home. The concept. The reality

Home.  People write about it, rave about it, sing it's praises, and complain about it's shortcomings.  But it's such a big word, isn't it?  Complicated beyond anything I know of and elusive as the definition of "God."

And I've been searching for it my entire life.

"home is where the heart is"
"home is where you hang your hat"

Okay, so we've all heard those phrases and smile at their oh-so-subjective meanings, and... we nod and think to ourselves ... 'yes.  I understand.'  But do we?  So far I've spoken in terms of 'people' and 'we,' but what I really want to talk about is MY perspective, MY search for 'home.'  It's a subject I revisit often because, of all the things I want in life a sense of home and belonging is at the top of my list.

I don't feel like I'm home when my life is transient.  I don't feel like there IS a home for me when I've nowhere to go, no soft place to fall.  I could spend all day long spouting philosophical pretties with regards to my concept of home, the romantic notion of a place where I could go if everything fell apart and I was lost or... homeless.  But it would be mostly fiction, because there is NO place I can go, no soft place to fall. And let me tell you... it's SCARY, that knowledge.

I've heard lectures with regards of being independant and self-sufficient and so forth, how people of means, or at least people who rely only on themselves never have to worry about being homeless or needing that soft place to fall.  But the REALITY is simple: MOST people, even if they are millionaires, have SOMEONE they can turn to at the worst of times.  If you sit down and think about it you know it's true.  A brother, a best friend, parents, sister, cousin, aunt, grandparent.  For most people there is at least one person that is their soft place to fall if things go very wrong.

Now, I've accepted that I will never be able to say that I'm 'going home for the holidays,' and I've come to terms with it in such a way that it doesn't break my heart to know this fact about me and my life.

But skipping the novel I feel building in this entry.... I will get to the point....

I simply want to feel like I'm home.  I want to feel like I'm in a warm, inviting, safe and secure place.

God.. there is really so much more to this.  But life and duty calls........

More later...... I think.  Because.. well, this entry is in The Wishing Place and, therefore, something I'm simply longing for.  Not a bad thing.  Just a... longing thing.