Home. People write about it, rave about it, sing it's praises, and complain about it's shortcomings. But it's such a big word, isn't it? Complicated beyond anything I know of and elusive as the definition of "God."
And I've been searching for it my entire life.
"home is where the heart is"
"home is where you hang your hat"
Okay, so we've all heard those phrases and smile at their oh-so-subjective meanings, and... we nod and think to ourselves ... 'yes. I understand.' But do we? So far I've spoken in terms of 'people' and 'we,' but what I really want to talk about is MY perspective, MY search for 'home.' It's a subject I revisit often because, of all the things I want in life a sense of home and belonging is at the top of my list.
I don't feel like I'm home when my life is transient. I don't feel like there IS a home for me when I've nowhere to go, no soft place to fall. I could spend all day long spouting philosophical pretties with regards to my concept of home, the romantic notion of a place where I could go if everything fell apart and I was lost or... homeless. But it would be mostly fiction, because there is NO place I can go, no soft place to fall. And let me tell you... it's SCARY, that knowledge.
I've heard lectures with regards of being independant and self-sufficient and so forth, how people of means, or at least people who rely only on themselves never have to worry about being homeless or needing that soft place to fall. But the REALITY is simple: MOST people, even if they are millionaires, have SOMEONE they can turn to at the worst of times. If you sit down and think about it you know it's true. A brother, a best friend, parents, sister, cousin, aunt, grandparent. For most people there is at least one person that is their soft place to fall if things go very wrong.
Now, I've accepted that I will never be able to say that I'm 'going home for the holidays,' and I've come to terms with it in such a way that it doesn't break my heart to know this fact about me and my life.
But skipping the novel I feel building in this entry.... I will get to the point....
I simply want to feel like I'm home. I want to feel like I'm in a warm, inviting, safe and secure place.
God.. there is really so much more to this. But life and duty calls........
More later...... I think. Because.. well, this entry is in The Wishing Place and, therefore, something I'm simply longing for. Not a bad thing. Just a... longing thing.
