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....is dying from neglect..
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Saturday, July 16, 2011
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Wishing... well
I would probably have better luck tossing coins into a well and hoping the act would elicit some response from God... but, I suppose talking about it will do. For now. I need my coins anyhoo.
I honestly could've filled this blog to bursting with the goings-on of late, but the experiences haven't been all that pleasant (for the most part) so I didn't see much purpose in posting it all. All my thoughts at this point keep telling me to not share. To totally, completely NOT share. To trust NO ONE. Few I trust. I can only think of a couple of people, but I still don't share much with them. Why?... One cares so little that it wouldn't matter (and probably do more harm than good), and the other cares so much that it would most likely do them harm to hear. So... as you can see, there's a bit of a dilemma here. I choose the safest route, meaning.... I tell no one and use my sounding board to let it all out.
WHY?... may be the first question you ask when you read what I have to say. 'Why did you post THIS in HERE?' It's simple---not all wishes are good, or positive, or... well.
I don't feel good. BFD for the most part. Situation normal, as I often call it. SSDD. Whatever. Some days are worse, some weeks are worse, and sometimes it goes on in an endless stream. At those times, when there isn't any break from feeling bad... i just... want... OUT of it all. I mean, who the hell can do this, FEEL like this for very long? Everybody has a breaking point.
Weight gain... oh yeah, that's made it infinitely worse and added insult to injury. Whatever. I don't talk to anyone because most think (and some will SAY).... "why complain about it?" Why? Because chronic fatigue, chronic pain, etc... is MISERABLE, and when it goes on infinitum.... it wears a body (and mind) down. Don't even get me started on what it does to a person's spirit. Even those who begin with a strong, vibrant spirit can be broken in the end.
My spirit has been broken for quite some time now. But I didn't know. Not until recently. Someone who doesn't even know me that well but who has seen me on a regular basis here and there over the better part of 7 years said.... "Ella, I worry about you. It's like your light has gone out, like someone broke your spirit." It took me back a few steps, those words. For one.... I'm pretty much invisible, so for anyone to notice any difference (or even care) was shocking.
Invisible---I'm already invisible for the most part. Outside of my bf calling a couple times a day, and he doesn't even like me, my phone probably wouldn't ring but maybe once or twice in a week or two. Maybe not even that much. Not unless it's a business call or wrong number. The phone really just doesn't ring. Invisible. Part of me... actually likes that. Weird. But true.
As is the case with each and every minute or hour of each and every day.... I'm running out of energy and will need to stop typing here in a moment. But before I sign off....
Wishing well... I suppose there are a lot of ways to take that.
I honestly could've filled this blog to bursting with the goings-on of late, but the experiences haven't been all that pleasant (for the most part) so I didn't see much purpose in posting it all. All my thoughts at this point keep telling me to not share. To totally, completely NOT share. To trust NO ONE. Few I trust. I can only think of a couple of people, but I still don't share much with them. Why?... One cares so little that it wouldn't matter (and probably do more harm than good), and the other cares so much that it would most likely do them harm to hear. So... as you can see, there's a bit of a dilemma here. I choose the safest route, meaning.... I tell no one and use my sounding board to let it all out.
WHY?... may be the first question you ask when you read what I have to say. 'Why did you post THIS in HERE?' It's simple---not all wishes are good, or positive, or... well.
I don't feel good. BFD for the most part. Situation normal, as I often call it. SSDD. Whatever. Some days are worse, some weeks are worse, and sometimes it goes on in an endless stream. At those times, when there isn't any break from feeling bad... i just... want... OUT of it all. I mean, who the hell can do this, FEEL like this for very long? Everybody has a breaking point.
Weight gain... oh yeah, that's made it infinitely worse and added insult to injury. Whatever. I don't talk to anyone because most think (and some will SAY).... "why complain about it?" Why? Because chronic fatigue, chronic pain, etc... is MISERABLE, and when it goes on infinitum.... it wears a body (and mind) down. Don't even get me started on what it does to a person's spirit. Even those who begin with a strong, vibrant spirit can be broken in the end.
My spirit has been broken for quite some time now. But I didn't know. Not until recently. Someone who doesn't even know me that well but who has seen me on a regular basis here and there over the better part of 7 years said.... "Ella, I worry about you. It's like your light has gone out, like someone broke your spirit." It took me back a few steps, those words. For one.... I'm pretty much invisible, so for anyone to notice any difference (or even care) was shocking.
Invisible---I'm already invisible for the most part. Outside of my bf calling a couple times a day, and he doesn't even like me, my phone probably wouldn't ring but maybe once or twice in a week or two. Maybe not even that much. Not unless it's a business call or wrong number. The phone really just doesn't ring. Invisible. Part of me... actually likes that. Weird. But true.
As is the case with each and every minute or hour of each and every day.... I'm running out of energy and will need to stop typing here in a moment. But before I sign off....
Wishing well... I suppose there are a lot of ways to take that.
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