Pushing forward....

Still dealing with shoulder surgery recovery (a very long process), so I've made another video so I can at least keep up with entries somewhat.  Thanks for visiting....

Risk for Redemption.

I played a bit with the idea of composing an audio/vid for myself, just something to remind me that there was, in fact, a time when I felt like a normal human being, when pain was minimal and sometimes absent, when I could behave normally, when restrictions of body (and now spirit and emotion) hadn't taken hold.  I know I used to feel better and actually participate in L I F E.  But for the life of me, my mind edits at will and separates the now from the then, the me I became and the me I once was.  So to keep it all in perspective... I made an audio movie with pics ranging from 8 months ago to 4 years ago, before this big crash in everything that is 'my life' and 'me.'

I was hesitant to upload it here (still am), but a friend of mine said "Do it.  Put it ALL out there, and to hell with what anyone thinks!"  It feels odd to see my own face all over this video, but... it's mostly for me anyway, something I can look at and recall that L I F E was there in me, and maybe.. just maybe... I will start believing again.  enough of the typing... arm aches horribly.

The compilation set as a reminder of where I once was in my L I F E and H E A L T H, remembering a healthier, happier me... taking a risk for redemption of myself, an apology to tell the woman I've become.... 'I'm so sorry I let you down."

Experiment #1...

Hi everyone.  While my shoulder heals I'll be making audio entries in my blogs, rather than typing.  Hopefully this will be short-term.  As I stumble to find my footing and get used to recording what I have to say... just bear with me. ;p  Thanks for your patience.  Please note that this is an experimental recording to test how it works, so look for more with actual content and focus very soon.  :)

An Evolution of Life.

So here I am again, typing.  I made several attempts at creating audio files to avoid stressing my left arm, but I can't seem to find a way to upload them.  C'est la vie.  I wish I could've found a way to upload them for one very important reason----I spilled my guts, poured out my heart and am now a bit spent.  Where to go from here.... ?

It's been a rough couple of weeks with physical therapy and trying to avoid taking pain medication unless absolutely necessary.  I've had a bit of trouble with the new bed and will be exchanging it for a hybrid.  I prefer the hybrid (memory foam + springs) better anyway, but the Tempurpedic sales rep said the one I ended up with was better for me, based on what I told them.  Wrong.  lol  I do get that they tried, and I'm grateful for their help, but it turned out to be an epic fail.  They're policy is also... when you exchange it once.. you're stuck with it.  C'est la vie again.

Go with the flow, as they say.....

In the meantime I will deal with it as best I can.  Tomorrow my Lazy Boy recliner will be delivered and, if necessary, I will sleep in that.  Bed--recliner--whichever is more comfortable.  I have to say.. I'm excited about the recliner.  It's not cheap, but then a hand-made chair, leather and solid wood.... you get what you pay for.  Who wants to throw good money after bad anyway?

For the first time in weeks I'm listening to music.  Since the surgery I've been too painful to deal with any extraneous stimuli, including music (which I LOVE).  I've learned to take cues from my body and actually LISTEN to them.  And those are some hard-fought and won lessons, I have to say.  In the spirit of being far more kinder to myself my body dictates what I do and don't do; such is the healing process.

While it appears at times as if progress is being made with my shoulder healing, other aspects of my health continue to be a bit more stubborn (to say the least).  It is what it is, and I'm also trying to just do the best I can with that and not get down about it.  So NOT easy to do, trust me.  In the midst of attempting to make my health and life better I sometimes fail--but I keep trying.  In the deep of the night things are often breaching the perimeter of the impossible---pain, being worse at night, drags me right to the edge and invites me to give up altogether.  And I almost have.  But somehow I've managed to bring myself back again, to fall asleep out of (if nothing else) pure exhaustion.  There is success in those little battles, even if they're barely won.

My goal is to get healthy again, to have my shoulder heal, to tackle (finally) the fibromyalgia and break away from all the pain, to live, to live vitally and wholly, to be myself again... finally.

I want to find myself at home again, at peace again, to thrive and love my life again.

Post-Surgery Pain and The Inevitable Pain of Indifference.

This is difficult.  Post-surgery for frozen shoulder and minor rotator cuff tear and I'm feeling like hell.    It will take a long time to recover and regain full use of my left arm, and dammit but it hurts to type.  I almost decided to do an audio blog but not enough privacy the last couple of days to do that.  So I'll make this just a quick check-in.

I'm not sleeping, mostly getting up several times a night to move my arm, elbow... to alleviate what pain I can.  This is often a tearful process.  I don't know when the big crash will come, but it will.  A human being simply can't withstand not sleeping like this.  On Wednesday, then on Saturday... things will change and hopefully for the better.

Sleeping on my side after this kind of surgery isn't the best idea, and it creates a world of pain, swelling to an unhealthy level in my arm.  This became the catalyst for ordering one of those Tempur Pedic beds.  NOT the cheapest thing in the world, but a very necessary one at this point as the healing process is going to take a long time.  So be it.  It's adjustable so I can support the back of my legs and have the back of the bed upright to manage sleeping without being on my side.  Saturday, a Laz-boy chair will arrive, and mostly for the same purpose.  As it stands now my options are to sit straight/upright or lay in a flat bed.  Both options mean pain and swelling.  But hey, those recliners are awesome and it's not like it won't be fully enjoyed way beyond the shoulder healing.

I suppose at this point I'm just rambling, but everything I am is consumed with the pain and trying to work past it without taking the powerful pain killers I was given.  The side effects sucks, and that means I'm making damn sure to take them sparingly.  But either way, my point is basically that I'll be dealing with this for a while and probably not making a lot of sense when I post.

There most likely won't be daily entries for a while, but I will try my best.

Post-surgery with all it's unbelievable pain has opened up a part of me that I really would rather leave closed, shut away, and ignored.  That echo chamber of the past and present merging in unsettling ways rumbles below the surface, always, making itself known at the darkest of hours and experiences.  I find myself unsettled---not just my circumstances or thoughts.  In the wee hours, especially when awakened by the almost ceaseless pain, true anxiety sets in and grips me.  Most of the time I can overcome it and get past it's frightening messages.  But then there are times when it takes hold and I find myself incredibly vulnerable and needing a strong, positive presence to jerk me back into a brighter reality.  Things is... I have no such strong, positive presence.  Yeah.
What to do with that.

As you guys know, indifference has been my companion.  T's indifference rears it's true self amidst the pain that really feels as if it's going to rip me apart.  You see, the first part of knowing how to squash pain naturally is to avoid stress at all costs, because stress destroy's the body's own ability to send much-needed pain killers to it's needed location.  Over time, especially in the presence of AI disease and fibromyalgia.... the breakdown of this mechanism is swift and brutal, leaving me without any natural defenses.  This sucks.

I've been brought to tears by the sheer intensity and duration of this pain, and the fibro is in a massive flare-up now, adding wide-spread, diffuse pain to that of the post-surgical.  While it's nothing to brag about, I will admit that I've been brought to my knees by the force of it all, crying so hard I felt as if my head would explode.  Late at night, when it's at its worst T will simply get up, stand there... and say nothing, do nothing, offer nothing.  I've had to tell him it's best he stay away rather than bring that indifference to the already miserable situation.

It is times like this that I long for "home," whatever and wherever that is.  No one to reach out to, to plead to, or talk to.  Not a parent, sibling, or best friend.  No one.  It's only when either by exhaustion or prescription intervention does the pain lessen a little, just enough for my mind to bring forth an image of a healthy, happy, joyful, fulfilled and pain-free me.  When I fall asleep... it sometimes carries me into dreaming, those thoughts.

My arm is in a lot of pain at the moment, so I'm going to sign off.  I hope that each day with willpower and physical therapy.. and even the weaker moments when I allow myself the prescription help to relieve the pain... maybe I'll get stronger, better.  I have 3 days of PT this coming week... and I pray it's the start to real recovery.

I need this pain to stop.  I really do.

Hopefully I can post tomorrow.

PS... I was amazed at how many page views Where Fireflies Dream received.... gave me a smile.