The Romantic in Me...

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....is dying from neglect..
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Wishing... well

I would probably have better luck tossing coins into a well and hoping the act would elicit some response from God... but, I suppose talking about it will do.  For now.  I need my coins anyhoo.

I honestly could've filled this blog to bursting with the goings-on of late, but the experiences haven't been all that pleasant (for the most part) so I didn't see much purpose in posting it all.  All my thoughts at this point keep telling me to not share.  To totally, completely NOT share.   To trust NO ONE.  Few I trust.  I can only think of a couple of people, but I still don't share much with them.  Why?... One cares so little that it wouldn't matter (and probably do more harm than good), and the other cares so much that it would most likely do them harm to hear.  So... as you can see, there's a bit of a dilemma here.  I choose the safest route, meaning.... I tell no one and use my sounding board to let it all out.

WHY?... may be the first question you ask when you read what I have to say.  'Why did you post THIS in HERE?'  It's simple---not all wishes are good, or positive, or... well.

I don't feel good.  BFD for the most part.  Situation normal, as I often call it.  SSDD.  Whatever.  Some days are worse, some weeks are worse, and sometimes it goes on in an endless stream.  At those times, when there isn't any break from feeling bad... i just... want... OUT of it all.  I mean, who the hell can do this, FEEL like this for very long?  Everybody has a breaking point.

Weight gain... oh yeah, that's made it infinitely worse and added insult to injury.  Whatever.  I don't talk to anyone because most think (and some will SAY).... "why complain about it?"  Why?  Because chronic fatigue, chronic pain, etc... is MISERABLE, and when it goes on infinitum.... it wears a body (and mind) down.  Don't even get me started on what it does to a person's spirit.  Even those who begin with a strong, vibrant spirit can be broken in the end.

My spirit has been broken for quite some time now.  But I didn't know.  Not until recently.  Someone who doesn't even know me that well but who has seen me on a regular basis here and there over the better part of 7 years said.... "Ella, I worry about you.  It's like your light has gone out, like someone broke your spirit."  It took me back a few steps, those words.  For one.... I'm pretty much invisible, so for anyone to notice any difference (or even care) was shocking.

Invisible---I'm already invisible for the most part.  Outside of my bf calling a couple times a day, and he doesn't even like me, my phone probably wouldn't ring but maybe once or twice in a week or two.  Maybe not even that much.  Not unless it's a business call or wrong number.  The phone really just doesn't ring.  Invisible.  Part of me... actually likes that.  Weird.  But true.

As is the case with each and every minute or hour of each and every day.... I'm running out of energy and will need to stop typing here in a moment.  But before I sign off....

Wishing well...  I suppose there are a lot of ways to take that.

Home. The concept. The reality

Home.  People write about it, rave about it, sing it's praises, and complain about it's shortcomings.  But it's such a big word, isn't it?  Complicated beyond anything I know of and elusive as the definition of "God."

And I've been searching for it my entire life.

"home is where the heart is"
"home is where you hang your hat"

Okay, so we've all heard those phrases and smile at their oh-so-subjective meanings, and... we nod and think to ourselves ... 'yes.  I understand.'  But do we?  So far I've spoken in terms of 'people' and 'we,' but what I really want to talk about is MY perspective, MY search for 'home.'  It's a subject I revisit often because, of all the things I want in life a sense of home and belonging is at the top of my list.

I don't feel like I'm home when my life is transient.  I don't feel like there IS a home for me when I've nowhere to go, no soft place to fall.  I could spend all day long spouting philosophical pretties with regards to my concept of home, the romantic notion of a place where I could go if everything fell apart and I was lost or... homeless.  But it would be mostly fiction, because there is NO place I can go, no soft place to fall. And let me tell you... it's SCARY, that knowledge.

I've heard lectures with regards of being independant and self-sufficient and so forth, how people of means, or at least people who rely only on themselves never have to worry about being homeless or needing that soft place to fall.  But the REALITY is simple: MOST people, even if they are millionaires, have SOMEONE they can turn to at the worst of times.  If you sit down and think about it you know it's true.  A brother, a best friend, parents, sister, cousin, aunt, grandparent.  For most people there is at least one person that is their soft place to fall if things go very wrong.

Now, I've accepted that I will never be able to say that I'm 'going home for the holidays,' and I've come to terms with it in such a way that it doesn't break my heart to know this fact about me and my life.

But skipping the novel I feel building in this entry.... I will get to the point....

I simply want to feel like I'm home.  I want to feel like I'm in a warm, inviting, safe and secure place.

God.. there is really so much more to this.  But life and duty calls........

More later...... I think.  Because.. well, this entry is in The Wishing Place and, therefore, something I'm simply longing for.  Not a bad thing.  Just a... longing thing.

Wow.... I'm here in The Wishing Place!

Amazing.... so... something IS changing in me after all. :)

This blog was created as a 'balance'... yeah, I'm a Libra.  So sue me. ;p  But anyway... I wanted a place to vent, but also a place to dream.  At times the two blogs may crossover, but eventually.... how could would it be for both of them to be filled with mostly hope and joy and love and dreams?

I'm here, arriving to a place I've not visited in a very long time; me.

I'd put so much of myself into others; making sure others are happy, content, cared for, etc., etc., etc... that I've neglected the one person who I rely the most on.  How did I ever allow that to happen?  Well, it wasn't willingly, I'll tell you that much.

I won't go into the 'how I got here,' because all you need do is read the entries I've not deleted on My Lost & Found to see exactly how I got here.  Okay, so maybe I should say... how I got to where I WAS.  The past several days have been life-altering for me, and in the face of a grim future... I can feel that spark and glimmer of hope.  This hope isn't coming from the outside... this time.  I'm not looking to another to see how "I'm" doing.  I'm looking, this time, to me.

I have no idea what the future holds.  I acknowledge how precarious my life is at the moment.  I acknowledge the things I can't change at this very moment, but I refuse to let it rob me of joy... or hope.

Today, this week, I begin the process of LIVING.  I'd almost forgotten how to do that.  Today I reconnect with myself and begin to nurture what I've badly neglected for years.  I have plans.

I want to dance again.  I don't have to dance in a professional capacity, or even teach.  I just need to dance for the joy of it all.  I need to stop investing all that I am on someone who doesn't appreciate me, and begin investing in me.

It is two days til Thanksgiving.  I've no family to spend the holiday with, no money to buy groceries, no stove or oven to cook with/in/on.  I'm a little sad about that, but I can still be okay.  My BF invited me to spend Thanksgiving with he and his family, and he told his family I was going to be there.  But he decided to break up with me over my calling him out on something.  It would have been the first REAL holiday, family experience I've had in many, many years.  Most of what he's doing is deliberately to hurt me, to punish me.  Okay.

But I'm getting off-track again.... this post is supposed to be about hope.

I suppose the things in our lives shape us, especially if they're significant and emotionally charged and driven.  Breaking up with me within a couple of days of my little Tocho dying, within a few days of Thanksgiving.... I suppose that once I SEE that he's going through with this, once I get that revenge and inflicting pain is far more important than my feelings...then I suppose that will clarify a few things for me.  once that happens, moving on will be a little easier.  Not less painful.  Just easier.

I'm breaking out of my usual habit of trying to 'fix' any given situation.  Being in a relationship isn't supposed to be like owning an old, used car.  Having to 'fix' things constantly is a very bad sign, and even more so when ONE person is always being blamed and always being made to do the work to 'fix' things.  But enough of that....

Thanksgiving will come and go.  I will get past it.  These things are always made worse by the holidays, but... I can get past it.

The most important thing here is... when I'm fully living my life, the things that are good for me will stay, and the things that aren't won't.  It will all fall into place and all the answers will be given. :)

:)

Wow....

I just realized that this blog is even more depressing than my other blog. sheesh. This one was supposed to be about hope, joy, dreams.....

In hopes that I will have hopes... joy... and dreams again soon.......

Vascillating between pain.. and feeling numb

The love of my life broke up with me mere hours after our 6 month anniversary ended. I guess it wasn't terribly surprising since he seemed to become less and less tolerant of me, found things that used to be 'endearing'... as irritating. He grew to not like me. That crushes me beyond words, but how do I fight against that? I can't really.

You can't force someone to like you, much less love you.

He will never 'see' how much I loved and cared for him. He was so convinced that my feelings had changed, that my passion had faded...that I didn't try to connect with him on a deeper level....

I'm not a perfect person by any stretch of the imagination, but I think I'm pretty loving, giving, attentive, etc. I do deal with health issues that get in the way, and GOD KNOWS how hard I've tried to overcome/fix those issues. But it was never enough. I loved hard, deeply, passionately, wholly, and without limit. Yet there was nothing I could do, no matter how hard I tried, to get him to see or feel or understand how much I love and care for him.

In the ONE area that matters most to me.. I failed. The ONE thing that was most important to me (him)...I failed.

And I keep wondering how it is that I could love someone so much that I literally bubble up and over with it... and yet.. that love was never fully recognized in him. How could something that literally rocked my world and made me behave like a kid at Christmas, something that made me melt when I was near him, looked at him... *sigh* The mere thought of him would warm me inside.

...how is it that he could never see or feel this?

Couldn't he see it in my eyes?
Wasn't it evident in my voice?
Couldn't he feel it in my touch, when I held him, when we made love?
Wasn't it right there in my kiss?

I could feel the power of that love literally coursing through me like a powerful current. How is it that it never reached him? How could he not feel something that literally made me feel like I had wings?

It was all for him, though he told me I was selfish and myopic. That love, it wasn't for me. I didn't keep it locked inside and hidden, chained or shackled. It poured forth when I was around him. It lit me from the inside out when my phone would ring... and even when I'd talk about him (which is often). People would tell me that I literally lit up and glowed when I spoke of him. How could he not recognize this for what it is?

I wanted SO badly to tell him... open your heart, open your arms, embrace this with me! Accept this river of emotion I feel for you!

What did I do wrong? I can almost hear his voice telling me I don't 'get it,' that I don't get what he needs, that he feels lonely and unloved. And I'm so crushed and bewildered by that, because... I wanted SO much for him to feel more loved than he's EVER felt in his life. I wanted to give him that love, that feeling... for him to feel at peace with it, to feel protected from all the hurtful things in the world.

I just don't understand. I wish I were smarter.. something.. anything so I can 'get' whatever it is I fall so short of 'getting.'

He means the world to me... and he doesn't see or feel it. I love him more than life and try each and every day to show him. And it wasn't enough.

He misunderstands when I tell him.. "I miss you." When I hear him say that to me.. I beam inside. But when I say it to him... he thinks I'm being selfish. :(

I'm rambling. I'm in pain... and I'm rambling.

All this love I feel for him... so much love.

When?

When is life going to feel like "living" again?
When will I start waking up feeling glad that I'm here?
Will I ever get my energy back?
Will this aching ever stop for even a day?
Will I ever be able to look forward to holidays again, the way I used to?
When will I feel like a viable human being?
Will I ever know more than a couple of honest people? Are there more out there?
Why does every single day present yet another problem I can't solve?
Will I always feel invisible?
Will my voice ever be heard?
Am I speaking a language no one understands?

Is there anybody out there?

Will trust ever come easily for me again?
Where are all the good things?
Where is hope?
Where is possibility?

When will this ever end?