Emotional Detox (can you handle it?)

Warning!  This is an emotional detox, and I'm not going to apologize for what falls onto the 'page' here.  As with any detox, this is purging the poison, a self-cleansing if you will.  If you can't handle the non-fluffy-bunny rant here, then this is your queue to exit, stage left, while you still have the chance.

Thoughts are rather disorganized at the moment with so much converging at once.  I can't really sort things out where they make sense--just too f*cking much going on.  And yet I will try, as maybe rambling will at least get it all out of my system.

I won't promise my language will be clean.  Again, this is an emotional purging of sorts.  Of sorts.  That's the key, isn' it?  Because I'm not convinced I can completely open up here..even after all this time, after all the very close calls I've had regarding just spilling my guts for the whole world to see.

Whatever.

Waiting on doctor appointments, face to face with people who say they are specialists.  Will any of them listen, or attempt to get down to what's causing all of this?  Maybe.  I wouldn't know.  The waiting game sucks in a huge way--THAT I do know.  I also know how utterly tired I am of dealing with the physical crap going on with me, not knowing how to fix it myself, what to do/not do, or even how to DEAL with it.  Yes, I took care of the majority of the stomach pain with getting BACK on a PPI (Proton Pump Inhibitor), and DAMN was I not happy about that.  I just took myself OFF of one, convinced that it had to be causing most of the problems, if not all.  Then had to go to yet another type of drug that is NOT a PPI... only to find out that it worked for about a week, then.. didn't work at all.  Seriously? *sigh*

But there is still abdominal pain, severe muscle weakness, and I can't get enough sleep!  Really?  I mean.. really?

Then there was weaning myself off the Topamax.  Off of that... and still feeling like crap.  BUT.. it's still good to be on as little Rx's as possible.  But coming OFF those prescriptions has yet to reveal any benefit other than just being off of them.

W.  T.  F.??!!

So I'm sitting here fighting off the urge to make one more cup of coffee.  Caffein--really, the least of my problems.  And I only drink two cups/day now anyway.  Still, I'm fighting the urge.  Maybe it's my body trying to self-medicate?  IDK...

And this damn depression is irritating the crap out of me.  Though I do know that it's not your run-of-the-mill depression.  I'm told it's related to the other health issues and that when they're resolved... the depression will resolve itself.  Either way, I'm not taking any poison for that!  No way, jose!  Even so, I couldn't because of the blood thinner.  It's the feeling of being powerless against this..whateveritis.. that is taking my life away from me piece by piece, day by day.  But I'm still pursuing all avenues to help it on my own until the 'specialists' can offer up something.  Still, what can they possibly offer that will resolve THIS?

Inflammation.  I'm convinced that's what needs addressing.  It's origin means little to me at the moment, as I believe systemic inflammation IS the origin of health problems.

Damn I'm tired.  My thinking isn't quite 'there' today... just... too... tired.