Watching the sun from my bedroom window.

NOTE: I spent a good deal of time on my other blog "All Things Ephemeral," just in case you're curious about that.  A few updates, etc.

My days are spent mostly in my room.  "My room" is basically my personal space for creativity, decompressing, etc.  It's become where I sleep now due to the fact that I toss and turn most of the night due to pain.  T snores something awful, which makes sleeping worse.  So we can BOTH sleep, we've decided to take that up in separate rooms... which does help.  I couldn't sleep at all with a freight train next to me. :/

My room has two tall windows which are covered by light colored/natural bamboo roman blinds.  I keep the blinds closed, but diffused light still comes through.  My days aren't terribly happy ones--to say the least, and depression is with me much of the time.  I mean, who wouldn't be depressed being sick and painful 24hrs a day?  But I'm in there trying to relax, trying to feel better---waiting to feel better, occasionally searching my phone to amuse myself when I can't sleep, and listening to music when I'm up to it.  I love music, but sometimes I'm so painful that I need absolute quiet.  Yes.. it sucks big time.

Last night was a very difficult night for me.  Let me first say that when I have moments when it all just overwhelms me, it's not that I feel sorry for myself.  What I do feel is immense frustration that my body has become my worst enemy.  I wait things out, am careful, try to exercise but fail miserably, and my body doesn't respond to anything.  Anything that is except prednisone, and i'm NOT taking that again.  So my days are spent ticking off the minutes, the hours... until the day is gone and lost forever.

In the mornings the sun rises and brings light through my bedroom window, and I'm filled with hope. Hope that today will be better, that the pain will finally subside, that I can move without weakness, without all this pain.  Those thoughts carry me through the day until the day is gone, done, when the light changes and signals that the opportunity has passed... again.

The sun rises and sets outside of my room, signaling only one thing--that I lost that battle again.

Last night, late evening as the sun began to set, and like so many other times... I felt despair wash over me.  I couldn't stop it, and in many ways didn't want to.  I needed to feel this in order to move past it all.

So sick of all of this.