Today actually began as a good day, overall, all things considered. But like far too many other times, the second T gets wind that I'm having a good day, am happy, am smiling, joking, hopeful... like lighting his ego strikes out and ends it all. If he wasn't hovering about today like one of those cartoon storm clouds I'd be doing an audio, because.. DAMMIT my shoulder hurts. So be it. I don't mind 'that' kind of pain.
I needed a couple of warm shirts to wear over the Winter. Most of my other clothes are still too uncomfortable to wear or just not warm. Many are just worn out and in need of replacing. Free shipping to store with 40% off and it's an easy fix. Ha. So I thought. I'm beginning to believe T is hell-bent on not allowing anything at all to be "easy" in any way, shape or form. With coats on, a few feet from the back door, and I look outside and remembered to remind him (he never remembers ANYTHING on his own) that the newly built deck is in need of sealing. Deck guy said seal around the 30 day mark, which is now. It was a reminder, something I thought about as I looked out the breakfast nook window on our way out. And that is as far as we made it.
His replay was short and as snotty as a hormonal 13 year old girl. He lashed out, was ugly as hell about it, and transformed into the proverbial nagging 'wife.' His words stung, struck deep, and... brought tears to my eyes. The latter is something that doesn't happen often anymore, not since my last relationship which all but buried the good parts of me and drove them crashing inward. But the tears came silent, without words or any other sound. Honestly, I just looked back out the window and wondered how such a simple, benign comment would turn him into a complete and utter asshole.
Such is the case with many guys of our generation. Damn, I should've called this entry "The pussification of mankind," because this seems to happen far too much across the board. But enough of this fucked up generation.
He immediately followed his hateful outburst to demanding we hurry up and go because he had stuff to do. Um. Okay. The conversation that ensued after is likely just a plethora of minutia that probably won't serve this 'tale' well, so.. I'll leave those details for another, less-emotional entry. Still, T just threw himself into tantrum mode and went with it, un-checked. He was so lost in his own bullshit he didn't even realized I'd pretty much emotionally checked-OUT myself. The tears had stopped, and I was left absolutely numb on all accounts and sleepy as hell. Yeah, I recognize the signs of depression well having been here before.
Once again he demanded we leave. I told him, as I sat there in that lovely numbness, that I was trying to find the willpower to give a shit about going. And I wasn't lying. This has been my reaction to most of his crap lately---going numb and just ceasing to care about anything. I recognize that as well. So I stood, took off my coat and went to hang it back up in the entryway closet.. with him blabbering away about something I honestly couldn't 'hear' anymore. 'Damn,' I thought... "Did I just tune him out?" I'm pretty sure I did and wasn't aware of it at first.
I went around the house turning a few lights on, turning the computer on, and raising the thermostat so the heat would also come on. By that point I was so cold I was shaking, and it took everything I had not to walk into 'my room,' crawl in bed and go to sleep. I fought it like crazy but ended up falling asleep at the computer trying to watch something on Netflix. Basically, I shut down.
He's tooling about outside, burning leaves and limbs, etc., which is really what he wanted to do all along. But instead of being a grownup, a MAN, he chose to be a spoiled child and threw a tantrum instead of saying.. "I have some stuff I need to do, so let's go afterwards or tomorrow." Is that so fucking hard to say?
I'm numb still, depressed still, and homesick as hell. This is pretty much how it happens whenever he gets pissy like he did. I begin missing the only place that felt like 'home' since I was a kid living with my mom. Not one single place in my life has felt like 'home' until I lived in the apartment in Mobile. God I miss that place so much, MY place. It was my sanctuary. It was my home... for almost 13 yrs.
I can't turn back the clock. I can't get my apartment back. And I know 100% that this damn house will never ever feel like 'home' to me. This place has been poisoned by a person who has to control everything including the living, breathing things around him. I thought my peace, my joy... would be set free if we moved here, away from the city, away from the noise, and into a neighborhood that would feel and sound like what I was used to. Well, I should've known better. I should've known that the only way I would ever be at peace is to be with a person who is peaceful. And I also know how vastly different "INDIFFERENCE" and "PEACEFUL" are.
An indifferent person doesn't give a shit. A peaceful person cares deeply and strives to maintain peace through doing what's right. How is it that so many people don't get this? On many levels I've understood this, though I didn't make the actual comparison until the last 5 years.
Demanding peace, rejecting change, forcing change, and ignoring responsibilities (all of them, including emotional and moral ones) does NOT bring peace but chaos. Being a control freak not only hurts the person (whether they see it or not), but it also hurts the people closest to them.
The proof is in the pudding, as they say, and this is no exception.
I'm sick to death of fighting my way past T's crap, the debris of his indifference and intolerance. I've been here before and it stinks to the high heavens like misery. I reject completely the idea that I have to live in a joyless life, empty and void of all happiness and possibility.
Dammit, but NO ONE deserves to live this way.
I'm trying very hard to not hate men for the first time in my life, and the ONLY saving grace I have in that is I see how my sons turned out, all good, decent, selfless men. At least their generation has some hope. Not so much mine.
