Remember Me?

Kind of a question I ask myself these days, and mostly because I've almost completely disconnected from myself.  This can happen when you no longer recognize the person in the mirror.  I SEE myself in there somewhere, but the tired, sick, and miserable person looking back at me is someone I don't really know.  God I need a break from life.

It's my new reality for now, and making the best of the circumstances isn't easy.  I feel like I'm standing, frozen, amidst a busy, whirring river of people blurring past on a crowded street.

Stay perfectly still and I won't hurt you.

If prednisone had a voice, this is what it would say.  But I push anyway, and I force myself to go throughout the day trying desperately to do those 'normal' things that tell me I'm still on this planet with my feet firmly on the ground.  I don't feel grounded, though.  Not really.

The undercurrent to my life these days, of course, is the AIH.  It won't be that way always, because at some point I will be in remission and functioning more like a human being again.  But for now, its presence is felt in all that I do.

Somewhere inside I'm still the me I was a few years ago before this massive flare-up.  I'm inside and fighting like hell to hang on.  I haven't given up and don't plan to.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I do give up every single day.  But every single day I find a new reason to keep going again.

"Courage isn't the absence of fear but the triumph over it." --Nelson Mandela

Life in Prednisone Hell

You know it's an okay day when my sense of humor is well-intact and functioning.  I will OWN that shit like a boss! lol

I suppose I should give these posts better titles, but then I'm really kind of hyper focused on the side effects of the Pred I'm now required to take.  This is just where I am right now, living with the backdrop of a drug-induced hell.  Trial by fire here, and I'm just going to say I'll ride it out and see how things are on the other side of this.  Tis then, ALL that I do, all that I experience is touched by this new reality of mine.

I have a few blessed moments to myself right now.  In some ways I get a little antsy when I'm alone, which I'm pretty damn sure is the Pred effects as well.  I mean, this stuff can cause mood swings, depression, etc.  Just going to ride it out.  Right?  Right.

Too many cups of coffee, yet not enough to make me stop drinking the stuff today.  I'd been very good at limiting myself till now, but that's gone straight to hell as well.  I mention this because my thinking is a bit scattered at the moment--me'thinks the caffein has addled me brain.

So okay, why the hell am I here typing this entry?  I guess I'm feeling befuddled and lost, dazed and confused, rattled, curious, and scared.  Scared.  Yep.  Of what, I guess the unknown.  Not really knowing where I am in things now because of this whole AIH thing.  It will be under control eventually, even if it does take a couple of years for remission to set in.  Maybe the fear is really based on the fact that Prednisone is now what's in control of things.  And I'm just not liking that one single bit.

I went to bed before 6pm last night.  That should tell you how radically things have changed for me.  I have insomnia, BAD insomnia, and I can tell THIS particular version of it is Pred-induced.  Par for the course, as they say, and I'll have to ride this out too.  Now that I'm titered to 2 doses/day, 20mg/day, maybe some of the sides will take a hike and leave me be.  Wait and watch at this point.

Under the guise of "I've got this!" I spend my day just getting through the day.  That's unsettling to me, you know, to be back there again.  This time, however, it's for a very different reason.  Or reasons.  Either way, here I am, and here I'll be until things are under control.

Wrecking a little health to better a lot of health.  Prednisone does a lot of wrecking, but without it AIH can progress into something ugly and life-threatening.  Fibrosis, cirrhosis, severe portal hypertension, and so on.  Never mind the symptoms and signs of those ugly processes.  So I get to level my life along with the Pred weight gain, the water retention, and pray like hell I can wean off enough SOON to start taking the Pred weight OFF.  Dammit, but I hate this stuff.  It's a necessary evil I have to live with.

I guess in some ways I've just rambled here and said very little.  Probably just where my mind is at the moment, a little chaotic in the throes of the crap.

Did I mention I hate the Pred hunger?  Yeah... there's that.

I'll be back when my mind settles and provides access to the real stuff.....