So, better late than never...

For those of you who said you preferred the audio blog entries.  Was done a couple of days ago, so I will try to make another one sometime Thursday when I have free time. :)

Still staying tuned???

I'm going to attempt a written blog entry as I wait for an upload to youtube of an audio entry.  The entry itself is a couple of days old, so.. where I'm at right now isn't completely different, just more intense (if you will).  So much for changing the dialogue in my life.  The scenery is fine, so you know.

It wasn't a particularly bad day, and it wasn't the greatest day either.  My motivation continues to lag behind the wants of the will, spirit, and what I perceive in my mind's eye is nothing like the reality that surrounds me every waking minute.  Be that as it may, it doesn't mean I don't try and affect change, and even a little of that is welcome right now.  Still, I went from a relatively good place to being slapped back down the rabbit hole where all the dark things are.

Notice how much easier it is for me to talk about things when I'm not speaking?

It's still a trust issue, of that I'm aware.  And who knows just how long I will regain enough trust in the world and people to be able to just talk openly about anything and everything... with my own voice?  I guess my job right now is to just keep trying.

To those of you who wrote or called to beg me to keep doing audio entries, what I can say to that right now is.. I'll see.  All I can do is one step at a time, one day at a time, one life event at a time.  I understand to some degree (because you have pointed this out) that these entries are far more intimate and 'real' when you HEAR them.  Okay.  I can't promise audio entries 100% of the time, but I will promise to do what I can as time and energy allows.  Deal? ;)

Even so, tonight took an abrupt change when I had to remind T that I have to make a deposit in my account.  Long story short, I was met with a response filled with complaining, whining, insinuations, and more.  Well, good grief... sorry that I'm too sick to work right now, and sorry that the cards that have balances on them have those balances because of purchases made for THIS HOUSE.  Oh my God, but I'm really so tired of the dialogue.

I pray every night for healing, for energy, for an abundance of good health, and the ability to take my life into my own hands again, to remove the power he has over my life.  Oh, but how things will be different when I'm back on my feet again.  He's gotten far too comfortable with the control thing.

He does this nearly every night, making sure that I'm stressed, anxious, wide awake and unable to sleep.  And this is usually a given on the nights before we have to wake up at O'dark thirty the next morning.  I've a long ride tomorrow, 6 hours round trip and am loathing the idea, even knowing it's something I have to do.  I'll be in pain, and I'll be miserable.  My body isn't up to that trip but there isn't a thing I can do about it.  And now.... I get the added benefit of being ridiculously tired because T decided that unloading a plethora of negative statements and whining was a goal tonight.

As an aside, I got the new bed today.  I'm not sure it's going to be comfortable, though the manufacturer said it was the same firmness/softness as the bed that's already here in the master bedroom.  Chronic pain means even the most comfortable of beds feel like a torture device when it touches your muscles, joints, skin.  I may be a while on that recliner if this is the case, but I am incredibly grateful for that recliner, I admit.

Just checked the upload to youtube for that audio file and it's very, VERY slooooooooooow.  Just a shame it had to be tonight that I figured out an alternative way to getting those files uploaded, ad iMovie has decided to be a total butt and give errors uploading the usual way.

Well, I'm amazed at how much I can type now.  The shoulder still has crappy range of motion, but at least this part isn't as painful as it was.  And no worries, those of you who prefer the audio entries... I will still make those for the most part.

Now, while I'm able, I think I will attempt to do entries for my other blogs... specific to those blogs.  We will see, right?

Okay, so I'm outta here for the night.  Sleep tight... sweet dreams....

Thoughts, Scattered.

....As is the case these days.  AKA... pardon my ramblings.

September 01, 2016: Rant, Confusion... whatever...

Life.  Amiright?

Audio Blog continues...

Healing being what it is, and a slow process at that... audio blog continues.  Rants, etc....

Pushing forward....

Still dealing with shoulder surgery recovery (a very long process), so I've made another video so I can at least keep up with entries somewhat.  Thanks for visiting....

Risk for Redemption.

I played a bit with the idea of composing an audio/vid for myself, just something to remind me that there was, in fact, a time when I felt like a normal human being, when pain was minimal and sometimes absent, when I could behave normally, when restrictions of body (and now spirit and emotion) hadn't taken hold.  I know I used to feel better and actually participate in L I F E.  But for the life of me, my mind edits at will and separates the now from the then, the me I became and the me I once was.  So to keep it all in perspective... I made an audio movie with pics ranging from 8 months ago to 4 years ago, before this big crash in everything that is 'my life' and 'me.'

I was hesitant to upload it here (still am), but a friend of mine said "Do it.  Put it ALL out there, and to hell with what anyone thinks!"  It feels odd to see my own face all over this video, but... it's mostly for me anyway, something I can look at and recall that L I F E was there in me, and maybe.. just maybe... I will start believing again.  enough of the typing... arm aches horribly.

The compilation set as a reminder of where I once was in my L I F E and H E A L T H, remembering a healthier, happier me... taking a risk for redemption of myself, an apology to tell the woman I've become.... 'I'm so sorry I let you down."

Experiment #1...

Hi everyone.  While my shoulder heals I'll be making audio entries in my blogs, rather than typing.  Hopefully this will be short-term.  As I stumble to find my footing and get used to recording what I have to say... just bear with me. ;p  Thanks for your patience.  Please note that this is an experimental recording to test how it works, so look for more with actual content and focus very soon.  :)

An Evolution of Life.

So here I am again, typing.  I made several attempts at creating audio files to avoid stressing my left arm, but I can't seem to find a way to upload them.  C'est la vie.  I wish I could've found a way to upload them for one very important reason----I spilled my guts, poured out my heart and am now a bit spent.  Where to go from here.... ?

It's been a rough couple of weeks with physical therapy and trying to avoid taking pain medication unless absolutely necessary.  I've had a bit of trouble with the new bed and will be exchanging it for a hybrid.  I prefer the hybrid (memory foam + springs) better anyway, but the Tempurpedic sales rep said the one I ended up with was better for me, based on what I told them.  Wrong.  lol  I do get that they tried, and I'm grateful for their help, but it turned out to be an epic fail.  They're policy is also... when you exchange it once.. you're stuck with it.  C'est la vie again.

Go with the flow, as they say.....

In the meantime I will deal with it as best I can.  Tomorrow my Lazy Boy recliner will be delivered and, if necessary, I will sleep in that.  Bed--recliner--whichever is more comfortable.  I have to say.. I'm excited about the recliner.  It's not cheap, but then a hand-made chair, leather and solid wood.... you get what you pay for.  Who wants to throw good money after bad anyway?

For the first time in weeks I'm listening to music.  Since the surgery I've been too painful to deal with any extraneous stimuli, including music (which I LOVE).  I've learned to take cues from my body and actually LISTEN to them.  And those are some hard-fought and won lessons, I have to say.  In the spirit of being far more kinder to myself my body dictates what I do and don't do; such is the healing process.

While it appears at times as if progress is being made with my shoulder healing, other aspects of my health continue to be a bit more stubborn (to say the least).  It is what it is, and I'm also trying to just do the best I can with that and not get down about it.  So NOT easy to do, trust me.  In the midst of attempting to make my health and life better I sometimes fail--but I keep trying.  In the deep of the night things are often breaching the perimeter of the impossible---pain, being worse at night, drags me right to the edge and invites me to give up altogether.  And I almost have.  But somehow I've managed to bring myself back again, to fall asleep out of (if nothing else) pure exhaustion.  There is success in those little battles, even if they're barely won.

My goal is to get healthy again, to have my shoulder heal, to tackle (finally) the fibromyalgia and break away from all the pain, to live, to live vitally and wholly, to be myself again... finally.

I want to find myself at home again, at peace again, to thrive and love my life again.

Post-Surgery Pain and The Inevitable Pain of Indifference.

This is difficult.  Post-surgery for frozen shoulder and minor rotator cuff tear and I'm feeling like hell.    It will take a long time to recover and regain full use of my left arm, and dammit but it hurts to type.  I almost decided to do an audio blog but not enough privacy the last couple of days to do that.  So I'll make this just a quick check-in.

I'm not sleeping, mostly getting up several times a night to move my arm, elbow... to alleviate what pain I can.  This is often a tearful process.  I don't know when the big crash will come, but it will.  A human being simply can't withstand not sleeping like this.  On Wednesday, then on Saturday... things will change and hopefully for the better.

Sleeping on my side after this kind of surgery isn't the best idea, and it creates a world of pain, swelling to an unhealthy level in my arm.  This became the catalyst for ordering one of those Tempur Pedic beds.  NOT the cheapest thing in the world, but a very necessary one at this point as the healing process is going to take a long time.  So be it.  It's adjustable so I can support the back of my legs and have the back of the bed upright to manage sleeping without being on my side.  Saturday, a Laz-boy chair will arrive, and mostly for the same purpose.  As it stands now my options are to sit straight/upright or lay in a flat bed.  Both options mean pain and swelling.  But hey, those recliners are awesome and it's not like it won't be fully enjoyed way beyond the shoulder healing.

I suppose at this point I'm just rambling, but everything I am is consumed with the pain and trying to work past it without taking the powerful pain killers I was given.  The side effects sucks, and that means I'm making damn sure to take them sparingly.  But either way, my point is basically that I'll be dealing with this for a while and probably not making a lot of sense when I post.

There most likely won't be daily entries for a while, but I will try my best.

Post-surgery with all it's unbelievable pain has opened up a part of me that I really would rather leave closed, shut away, and ignored.  That echo chamber of the past and present merging in unsettling ways rumbles below the surface, always, making itself known at the darkest of hours and experiences.  I find myself unsettled---not just my circumstances or thoughts.  In the wee hours, especially when awakened by the almost ceaseless pain, true anxiety sets in and grips me.  Most of the time I can overcome it and get past it's frightening messages.  But then there are times when it takes hold and I find myself incredibly vulnerable and needing a strong, positive presence to jerk me back into a brighter reality.  Things is... I have no such strong, positive presence.  Yeah.
What to do with that.

As you guys know, indifference has been my companion.  T's indifference rears it's true self amidst the pain that really feels as if it's going to rip me apart.  You see, the first part of knowing how to squash pain naturally is to avoid stress at all costs, because stress destroy's the body's own ability to send much-needed pain killers to it's needed location.  Over time, especially in the presence of AI disease and fibromyalgia.... the breakdown of this mechanism is swift and brutal, leaving me without any natural defenses.  This sucks.

I've been brought to tears by the sheer intensity and duration of this pain, and the fibro is in a massive flare-up now, adding wide-spread, diffuse pain to that of the post-surgical.  While it's nothing to brag about, I will admit that I've been brought to my knees by the force of it all, crying so hard I felt as if my head would explode.  Late at night, when it's at its worst T will simply get up, stand there... and say nothing, do nothing, offer nothing.  I've had to tell him it's best he stay away rather than bring that indifference to the already miserable situation.

It is times like this that I long for "home," whatever and wherever that is.  No one to reach out to, to plead to, or talk to.  Not a parent, sibling, or best friend.  No one.  It's only when either by exhaustion or prescription intervention does the pain lessen a little, just enough for my mind to bring forth an image of a healthy, happy, joyful, fulfilled and pain-free me.  When I fall asleep... it sometimes carries me into dreaming, those thoughts.

My arm is in a lot of pain at the moment, so I'm going to sign off.  I hope that each day with willpower and physical therapy.. and even the weaker moments when I allow myself the prescription help to relieve the pain... maybe I'll get stronger, better.  I have 3 days of PT this coming week... and I pray it's the start to real recovery.

I need this pain to stop.  I really do.

Hopefully I can post tomorrow.

PS... I was amazed at how many page views Where Fireflies Dream received.... gave me a smile.

It's About Time.

When I first began blogging it was for one specific reason--venting.  I needed a place where I could get things off my chest that were bothering me so I could get on with life without cumbersome emotions or baggage.  I had ONE blog at that time.  When things got tough, and they often were, I would visit my blog and unload to my heart's content, not giving a single iota to being politically correct or holding back out of some delusion that I somehow had to be 'polite' here.  The venting would ensue, fall upon the screen, and I would be left to bask in the aftermath of some seriously epic purging of thoughts, feelings, and more.  In the end I would usually go back and delete the long-winded and emotionally-charged entries, knowing I could do so now that some time had past.  That blog still exists and I still post in it as often as possible, and I named it "All Things Ephemeral" for a reason, even if that reason no longer exists.  Let me explain....

A few years ago I made the decision to stop deleting the entries.  Being honest with myself I realized that I was deleting so as not to 'hurt feelings' of those I vented about.  No matter that I left off names and details that would give much away to the wrong set of eyes reading, I decided it was somehow 'impolite' to share even my feelings and experiences.  Boy, was that ever stupid.  I'm glad I came to my senses and stopped editing the content over some perceived butthurt it may cause someone else.  But, did I really stop editing my own entries after all?  Well, today I figured it was something worth investigating.

I often come here and stare at the blank screen where bits of my life would fall and wonder... "How can I actually talk about this?"  I know as I write just how much I'm holding back, even when I don't WANT to.  Still, the struggle to set myself free remains just that--a struggle, even today.  Even when I know the healthiest thing I can do for myself is write about it, get it out of my system, it's remains incredibly difficult just the same.

What I want very much to do right now is to take the first step in 'going there,' to talk openly instead of using a string of allusions to piece together a story that, when all is said and done, remains unclear and ill-explained because of that fear below the surface of truth.

A Bold First Step

My next blog entry will be in This Free Spirit, and I tell you this because it will ultimately be the first blog entry in many years where I hold little if nothing back.  With failing health I need all the help I can get to break the bonds of emotional servitude, and the first step is to open myself completely to the idea of 'almost' full disclosure.

Wish me luck....

Why Dream?

I used to dream a lot.  I used to believe that pretty much anything was possible.  I also used to believe that people in your life who say they love you also want your dreams to come true, for you to be happy.  But the truth is--no one really cares about your dreams, desires, and often... they don't even care what you NEED.  But what if your dreams ARE what you need?

I hear the chatter, the whispers on the web and witness the effects on women everywhere when disconnection takes over their lives.  Meaning, the disconnection of whomever they're with, the disconnection that divides, hinders, then ultimately destroys dreams.  It's there, and the blind are those who seek to control and tell that person---they're not allowed to have that dream.  Or worse, to insist that the dream isn't possible.  You can DREAM it but you can't HAVE it.  That message seeks to destroy.

I have dreams every now and then when I can pry myself away from the chronic pain, the debilitating pain as it is on most days right now.  They creep in subtly and often fade just as quietly as they arrived.  More times than not these days, however, I'm fighting against that negative force that reminds me daily that I need permission to dream, to want more, to see my life outside of what it is at the moment.  When I reach for better... my hand is slapped away every time.

Why dream then?  Why waste the time and energy to think, to visualize, to want something better than what I have?  Why envision my life as it was before I became sick?  Why bother at all?  Because the times that I give up it feels a little like dying.  I can't explain it more than that, but it's what it feels like---as if life is absolutely over.

I have to think about that.

Well. Damn.

If there's anything that I'm NOT afraid of it's doctors and needles.  I don't mind a shot when necessary, and I don't mind blood work or IVs when needed.  However, one thing I discovered today is: I rather NOT okay with giving injections to myself.  And that, unfortunately, is what it's come to... at least right now.

So I saw my Endocrinologist today regarding my lab results for Cushings, Adrenal Fatigue, and... blood sugar issues.  The latter was a big concern because I ended up with Cushing's Syndrome while taking Prednisone, long-term (approximately 3 months).  My allergist stated flat-out that I would be lucky NOT to end up with Type II Diabetes due to my reaction to the Prednisone.  Lovely.  Especially given that my mom and oldest sister both had it (both deceased).

I have other health issues so the drug my doctor wanted me on can't be an option right now.  Lucky me, instead I get an injection... a treatment for Diabetes that's used for PRE-Diabetes/Insulin Resistance--which is where I'm at right now.  Damn.

Serum fasting glucose, Glucose Tolerance Test, AND serum Insulin were taken to assess IF I were in trouble and how badly.  My fasting INSULIN was double what it should have been, my fasting glucose was 111, and at one point... my fasting glucose (in the past few months) was 123.  I had NO idea about that 123 FG.  So here I am having to give myself a lovely injection in my abdomen (skin) once a week for 2 weeks to see if I need to continue that or not, long term, OR... if she's going to put me on another protocol.

The GOOD news is, at least on this one test, my adrenals are perfectly fine and right in the middle of the normal range.  She doesn't completely trust it so wants to test them again in 2 weeks to see where it is.  I also have to have my A1C tested again in a couple of weeks.

It's begun.

I'm NOT looking forward to giving myself an injection, even IF it's an automatic device and pre-loaded.  Just YUCK!!

I have hypOglycemia symptoms and have had those in the past.  I won't explain the process here of what happens BEFORE a person ends up diabetic, etc., because it's more time and energy than I have right now.  But hypOglycemia symptoms suck pretty bad.  Weakness, shaking, fatigue, cold sweats, headaches, etc.  What fun.  However, we're not exactly sure what's causing the chronic pain.  Endo says she also wonders about a myositis situation given the elevated Aldolase on a couple of occasions.  It's not elevated NOW, but I also was on prednisone and Imuran for 3 months, so that took care of any inflammation there might have been in my muscles.. causing muscle breakdown.

I don't know how anyone will ever be able to nail down the cause of the muscle pain after my having been on corticosteroids.  I just don't know.

Well, the pain is pretty severe so am going to sign off for now.  Wish me luck in the morning when I have to give myself my first injection.

What I Want.

I guess I got most of the rant out of my system in my other blog, so I'm going to try and avoid going there again here.  I can't promise anything except that I'll try.  I've seldom allowed myself to talk about what I want, or what I need.  There are reasons for that, but they're not important at the moment.  Either way, maybe it's time....

Many times I lay in bed at night listening to music and remembering how I used to feel when I was healthy and mostly pain-free.  It's not an easy task, remembering when I didn't feel pain 24/7.  But it's necessary, even critical that I not lose that memory of feeling well, healthy, at ease, calm, and... good.  That's my task each night as I lay there in the darkness.  I don't mind revisiting, but it's getting more difficult as the pain gets in the way.  So what do I think about, dream about?  Well, it's not as important what I think or dream about but actually what I ABSOLUTELY NEED to thrive.  And on those I'm very clear.

I need peace:  Peace is easy, imho.  To me, peace is the result of respecting the environment around you and everything in it.  It's not complicated to understand that a person's environment deeply affects their lives---and the health of those who live in that environment.  Having a clean house is important to me.  NO, I'm not talking about a sterile environment where a few specks of dust sends me over the edge.  I have a dog and have had pets most of my life, so I can't afford to be picky given that.  Basset Hounds shed, at times drool, and... well, that's life with a dog. :)  I wouldn't change it for the world.  However, there are some things that should be done on a regular basis for me to be comfortable and happy in the confines of whatever space I'm living in.  Just one word: clean.  that word is easy to understand, and easy to accomplish.

So how is it that 'clean' translates to 'peaceful' to me?  Well, it just does.  I'm a clean person and find a clean environment very comfortable, very peaceful.  It's not the only thing that instills peace, but it's a damn good start.

Picking up after oneself.  If you make a mess, clean it up.  Don't create messes, especially necessary ones.  And don't rely on other people in the house to do it for you.  Easy.  I raised my kids and don't feel like cleaning up after an adult one, meaning... my other half.

I need more than tv to 'live' my life!  T wants to sit in front of a tv during every spare moment of his life.  As for me, I can't do that.  Sometimes, yes, of course.  But not every spare moment.

I need to EXPERIENCE LIFE!  Sitting at home every spare moment waiting for 'some day' to come along, or 'retirement' to usher in actual living isn't my thing.  It will never, ever be.  I'm very sick right now, more than I've let on here, but... even with that my entire spirit cries out for EXPERIENCE.  I want beauty in my life, to experience something else, anything else than the chronic dullery of the status quo.  I want to see places here in the US I've not seen, to be awed, inspired, and fulfilled.  I want to take my camera and capture every moment.  Drive just for the love of driving, and MOVE through life instead of watching stupid tv shows to see other people living through fiction.

I need to have fully-engaged conversations with other human beings!  T talks, and he's brilliant.  He has a 150 IQ, two masters degrees... but doesn't like to engage much in conversation.  I often just give up quite honestly.  There's a lot to talk about, be it life here at home or anything going on in the world, cars, photography, nature, and hundreds of other topics... even shows on tv we mutually like. But that fails miserably most of the time.

I need beauty, engaging conversation driven by passion for the subject, laughter, joy, hope, dreams, and just to be completely comfortable in my own skin again.  I need to eat clean, healthy... and not have to fight every single day to do so.  I need to have at my disposal the tools necessary to help myself.  Is that so much to ask?  I don't think so.

I need to feel passion for my life again.  I need to feel excited about my life again.  I want to feel actual health, vitality, energy, and LIFE coursing through my entire body again.  I want MY life back, rather than to be forced to live my life through that of another.

I.
Want.
MY.
Life.
Back.

I need healing.

It's My Blogger, I Can Whine If I Want To, Whine If I Want To.....

You would whine too if it happened to youuuuuu! No, not really.  But it made for an intro that invoked a smile, even if a small one, right?  My busy week has left me wondering, unsure, and stuck in a health loop that I'm not sure will end easily.  Wow.  Like THAT doesn't sound familiar.

Life being what it is we just need to get things off our chest or deal with the consequences of, well, holding it all in until we lose it.  Right?  Right.  I suppose many people have their own way of dealing with or working through things life tosses their way, but for me.. I have many outlets.  Blogging, however is the one remaining on my list that I can actually use at the moment.  So be it.

I already talked about the elevated ferritin, so I'll leave that one be for the moment.  I saw an Endocrinologist yesterday who believes I have (((( wait for it  )))) Adrenal Fatigue caused by (((wait for it again! )))... long-term use of Prednisone.  I knoooooooooow!  *Putting on my best shocked face*  Basically what this means is that the prednisone put my adrenals to sleep and I have absolutely nothing to help me with ANY kind of stress.  I've been stressed for YEARS; Chronic, nearly 24/7 unbelievable stress, both emotional AND physical.  Then, I have to do a 12 day Pred Pac last year, then 3 months THIS year.  The thinking is that, because I went into Cushings Syndrome, my adrenals shut down.  And this is what happens when you develop Cushings.

I have almost every single symptom, and my Endo doc recognized what it is.  It can't be confirmed without blood work, and I got that today.  And tomorrow, because of the Pred, because of the Cushings, because of the possible adrenal fatigue.. I have to have glucose testing to see if my pancreas is damaged and I'm edging, or IN, the throes of diabetes.  My serum glucose is not showing overt diabetes, but that doesn't tell the entire story.  Type II diabetes is one of the more common side effects.  Nifty, huh?  *sigh*

The other appointment I had today was with my bone doc.  Got the MRI results back, and as suspected, I have a torn rotator cuff.  Surgery, because my arm is UNBELIEVABLY painful when I move, is the only option for me.  Day surgery, they'll repair the tear, file bone spurs, and send me home with pain meds and a few restrictions for a while.  There are two problems with proceeding right away with surgery is the fact that I have been on Prednisone and it was 'long-term.'  The other problem is the possible adrenal fatigue.  You can't add additional stress to the body when it basically lacks any defense.  Suppressed adrenals are VERY bad news, and in this case it would mean my body couldn't handle the physical stress of surgery, even minor surgery.  Getting upset at someone will shut you down completely when your adrenals are "asleep."

I can't go into all the details about adrenal fatigue because, literally, it would take a research paper to explain what it is in detail as well as the processes involved.  It's progressive if it isn't addressed and quickly.  People can be heading down that road for years and not even know it, and if you're on that road already... prednisone will push you right over the edge.  And it will.. WRECK. YOUR. LIFE.

So where I am right now in this is simple: Wait for blood test results to see IF what I'm dealing with actually IS adrenal fatigue, and go from there.

Not much else I can do.

Guess I'm done for now... arms too tired to type much longer.

Oh... hope you like the song I left for you guys....

The Maze of A Single Day.

Music: Sounds so much better with external speakers or head phones.  However, this is one of their best I think. "Everytime" by Broods.

This morning I woke and resolved myself to going into each of my blogs (links in the side menu bar) and posting.  It's the one way I have to work through whatever's happening in my life.  My one outlet, my only hope of unloading the bad, or tossing the good into the breeze like digital confetti.  The latter is rarely ever the case anymore, but... if I'm honest with myself each and every day then I'm doing something good for myself right there.  Still, the path through my days has so many twists and turns that it's incredibly easy for me to get completely lost inside the confines of my own life and environment.

Whether it's navigating around pain, fatigue, weakness, or whatever.. it's a maze I can get lost in if I'm not very careful.  So, I'm actually out of bed.  And oh yeah, this is something worth celebrating.  If you only knew.  But I've managed to force myself to get out of bed and at least go into the dining room for as long as I possibly can.  After having that hour long MRI the other day, I have to admit, accomplishing that one task is difficult.  Yet, here I am, somewhat among the living.

It's just me, Pandora radio (Broods at the current moment), a last cup of coffee, my blog, my dog, and my pain.

While T is outside trying to wreck the lawn mower by running over tree limbs... I'm trying to not feel stressed or anxious about that.  *sigh*

God help me through yet another day....

Lucid Dream..

I had my first lucid dream.  At least I think it was my first.  You know how dreams are... some of them you just can't remember.  But this one was pretty clear, and it had the usual recurring theme as my dreams tend to have, which has been the way of my dreams nearly my entire life.  There are basically 3 recurring themes, but I won't get into those now.  But as dreams go, this one was quite different then all the others.

The dream:

I was home, in 'my' room doing nothing but sitting quietly on the bed and looking out the window.  Clouds outside were very low, dark, broiling... and they shifted into what I recognized as a tornado (common theme in my dreams and not in the least scary, btw).  I jumped up and ran into the living room looking to see what damage there might be, can I yelled out to T that there was a tornado.

I could see the deck out back was damaged, the railing torn, and some trees, etc. were damaged.  I then walked into the breakfast nook area, and this is when I noticed the furniture was different, the room was different, and outside the breakfast nook window was another room.. instead of the deck and gorgeous view.

Once I realized everything was different I stopped, turned a little bit and told T... "Oh.  Never mind.  It's is just a dream." I then just looked around quickly, amused that I was dreaming.. then woke.

Weird.

And I don't mind weird at all, but... I felt in my dream, as I do after waking from an interesting or otherwise really good dream, rather.. disappointed.  Perhaps it was because I felt as if I had control of things in the dream, and much less so than in real life.

Whatever caused this lucid dream--I hope it happens again, because... I rather liked it.  Honestly, I wish I felt in real life the way I do in my dreams.  Why?  Because it's more like 'living.'

"You've chosen lessons of pain"

I received a message with this video in it yesterday.  I have no idea who the person is who sent it... but, oddly.. this is one of my favorite songs and one I listen to every night.  Headphones on, dark room, and songs to obliterate the thoughts....

The Greatest Misunderstanding of My Life.

I know who I am.  Or, at least who I'm supposed to be, who I used to be, and who I still am inside.  She's in there--I can hear her.  It's not the first time I've lost myself to a situation or another person.  It's all quite familiar, and not at all in a good way, I promise.  No need to talk about how I got here, because I've vented on that enough times that it's cemented in 'moot' at this point.  What I need to work on, find and deal with is the 'how' of where my life is currently.  HOW do I get out?  How do I repair myself, heal myself?  HOW do I go about finding the help I need to lift me into the light, to the only place I know healing can happen?

How?

All the self-talk, and all of the ideas that enter my mind late at night when I'm alone in the quiet, the dark and with only my thoughts... falls short of having any impact in the light of day.  Why is that, I wonder?  How can I find what I need and have it slip through my hands as the light slips through the window?  Exactly what part of me gave up so completely that I can't even hold onto the little resolve I have when faced with my own thoughts?

If I could only be able to answer any of those questions without having to add yet another question mark.

Clearly I know what I need--on the surface anyway.  There's no misunderstanding about where I am o want to be.  The problem arises from my not having any guidance as to how to GET there.  Just when I think I have every answer to every question, the mask slips off the face of mother solution, leaving me to wonder how a person can misunderstand themselves so completely?

I'm talking through pain, so if there's anything incoherent in what I'm saying... that's why.  As this misery reaches an intolerable level I'll most likely make much less sense.  Won't that be fun?  Ugh.

Okay.  So have I misunderstood things in general?  Have I missed the mark, the answers, the intent of what's around me?  All I want is answers, solutions, and to STOP being in pain all of the damn time, to get back to me, to feel like me, to FEEL GOOD AGAIN.

Sigh.  Apparently.. I'm asking way to freaking much.

Getting it ALL off my chest.

Well, it's a little cathartic to be able to vent, to scrutinize, to assess, to get it all out when something's bothering me.  If you want to know exactly what I'm talking about... it's HERE.  PART I and PART II were needed as this was, well, you'll see if you're curious enough to go there and read.  The discussion was about Beta men vs Alpha men and the necessary balance of power in a relationship.  I'm past that now, moving on, and wondering what the hell I'm going to do about my life as it is at the moment... not much of a life at all.  Aren't I always struggling with this?  Don't answer.

Exhaustion overcomes on the other side of stress.  I'm pretty much there at the moment and fighting like hell to defeat its encroachment.  What I'm left with is a familiar struggle to find my strength and focus again.  It's okay.  It is what it is.

I have to face each day like I don't remember the one before.  I can't allow myself to have any regrets, or allow the sense that I lost yet another 24 hours of my life.  There aren't any do-overs.  What I do is wake and think to myself.. "Today is the day."  It's a mantra of sorts, and one that has yet to actually work.

I'm spent.  Working on those two hefty entries has left me with virtually nothing.  So, if you're curious... click on the link above to read the most of today's crapola.