Chaos, whatever. I mean, seriously?

I made this audio entry yesterday, but I'll be making another today.  DAMN but life has GOT to change...

PART I: Malignant Narcissists, Revisited.

This is part one of two.  Part two will be done and uploaded tomorrow....

Thanksgiving Eve...

Well, anyway....

Too soon?

Naaaaah.  Not for me.

I've always liked decorating early for Christmas.  Dragging everything out of storage, opening boxes and bags, and decorating... takes a minute, so the idea of putting everything up for a couple of weeks after all that works just doesn't make any sense to me.  Plus, my inner child is alive and well and always excited about Christmas, decorating, hot chocolate with marshmallows, Christmas cartoons and movies and every single bit of tradition out there.  I'm all in for Christmas...usually.

The last few years, however, the excitement has dimmed to a dull hue of red and green, to be honest.  I pretty much know the 'why' of this, but I've struggled over the past 6-7 years or so to repair whatever is sucking the joy out of the holidays and restore it to it's former, magical splendor.  If only....

It's not enough to know what's wrong.  Everything I long for when the nostalgia takes hold are those things that are just out of my reach. My attempts to re-create what's lost have failed, and I'm finding myself depressed more and more each year by the holidays.  While this depression doesn't completely isolate itself to Christmas only, that's the one that is the most difficult to navigate.

I really just hate this.

What 'haven't' I tried to breathe life back into the holidays?

This house is decked out big time, and... I'm just not feeling it.  I walk through the house, and I really love what I see.  But something vital is missing, and it's been fading away for years.  Yeah, yeah, I know this sounds like such a downer, but for me it really is in so many ways.

When all the reaching for better, happier, more joyful falls to the wayside.. so do I.  Just a fact.  There isn't any real way for me to work through this by myself, because the problem isn't an unknown.  As weird as that sounds, it's true.  When you don't know what's wrong, your focus shifts to one of discovery.  But when you know what's wrong one of the first things that comes to mind, for me anyway, is "Okay.  Now what?"  And, unfortunately, that's where I'm stuck.

Tomorrow is another day, and I'm planning on digging into my web sites if I have enough energy to do so.  Maybe it will distract me, though I realize it won't solve anything.  I have to do something to fight my way out of this.

For the sake of this particular blog and it's 'intended' theme/focus, I will say that I'm doing well on my diet in the sense that I'm not having any urges to cheat etc., and in fact have been eating under my points (which can backfire on me later and likely will).

Okay, so.. no, I'm not making much sense at the moment.  I'm tired, so so tired.  I didn't sleep well last night which makes this all so much more intense, and in the wrong way.  At the urge of a couple of you, I'm trying, and that's about all I can promise I'll do right now.

Tomorrow is another day.  But today... I'm just not feeling it.

Still staying tuned???

I'm going to attempt a written blog entry as I wait for an upload to youtube of an audio entry.  The entry itself is a couple of days old, so.. where I'm at right now isn't completely different, just more intense (if you will).  So much for changing the dialogue in my life.  The scenery is fine, so you know.

It wasn't a particularly bad day, and it wasn't the greatest day either.  My motivation continues to lag behind the wants of the will, spirit, and what I perceive in my mind's eye is nothing like the reality that surrounds me every waking minute.  Be that as it may, it doesn't mean I don't try and affect change, and even a little of that is welcome right now.  Still, I went from a relatively good place to being slapped back down the rabbit hole where all the dark things are.

Notice how much easier it is for me to talk about things when I'm not speaking?

It's still a trust issue, of that I'm aware.  And who knows just how long I will regain enough trust in the world and people to be able to just talk openly about anything and everything... with my own voice?  I guess my job right now is to just keep trying.

To those of you who wrote or called to beg me to keep doing audio entries, what I can say to that right now is.. I'll see.  All I can do is one step at a time, one day at a time, one life event at a time.  I understand to some degree (because you have pointed this out) that these entries are far more intimate and 'real' when you HEAR them.  Okay.  I can't promise audio entries 100% of the time, but I will promise to do what I can as time and energy allows.  Deal? ;)

Even so, tonight took an abrupt change when I had to remind T that I have to make a deposit in my account.  Long story short, I was met with a response filled with complaining, whining, insinuations, and more.  Well, good grief... sorry that I'm too sick to work right now, and sorry that the cards that have balances on them have those balances because of purchases made for THIS HOUSE.  Oh my God, but I'm really so tired of the dialogue.

I pray every night for healing, for energy, for an abundance of good health, and the ability to take my life into my own hands again, to remove the power he has over my life.  Oh, but how things will be different when I'm back on my feet again.  He's gotten far too comfortable with the control thing.

He does this nearly every night, making sure that I'm stressed, anxious, wide awake and unable to sleep.  And this is usually a given on the nights before we have to wake up at O'dark thirty the next morning.  I've a long ride tomorrow, 6 hours round trip and am loathing the idea, even knowing it's something I have to do.  I'll be in pain, and I'll be miserable.  My body isn't up to that trip but there isn't a thing I can do about it.  And now.... I get the added benefit of being ridiculously tired because T decided that unloading a plethora of negative statements and whining was a goal tonight.

As an aside, I got the new bed today.  I'm not sure it's going to be comfortable, though the manufacturer said it was the same firmness/softness as the bed that's already here in the master bedroom.  Chronic pain means even the most comfortable of beds feel like a torture device when it touches your muscles, joints, skin.  I may be a while on that recliner if this is the case, but I am incredibly grateful for that recliner, I admit.

Just checked the upload to youtube for that audio file and it's very, VERY slooooooooooow.  Just a shame it had to be tonight that I figured out an alternative way to getting those files uploaded, ad iMovie has decided to be a total butt and give errors uploading the usual way.

Well, I'm amazed at how much I can type now.  The shoulder still has crappy range of motion, but at least this part isn't as painful as it was.  And no worries, those of you who prefer the audio entries... I will still make those for the most part.

Now, while I'm able, I think I will attempt to do entries for my other blogs... specific to those blogs.  We will see, right?

Okay, so I'm outta here for the night.  Sleep tight... sweet dreams....

Then I believe, Then I don't.

And what I'm left with in the end is--not a single answer, solution, nor any real strength to wait until the next step reveals itself.  Over the span of more than a month now, ever since titering off the prednisone, my body has become my worst enemy.  It's weak when I need strength, it's 'loudly' painful when I need peace, serenity, rest.  And for the life of me nothing seems to get better as the days pass one after the next.  Nothing, it seems, is working.

There is hope, right?  People always say "There is always hope."  But the time for continuing to believe in something that has yet to be true--is coming to an end.  Once again, though most want to help, doctors are throwing up their hands and telling me--they don't know what to do, what it is, or how to help me.  I still have one last appointment, with an endocrinologist this time, who may be able to help.  Is this going to be my last hope?  I don't even have the strength to ponder that question.

So in this "New normal" of mine, real life doesn't exist.  Nothing beyond the windows means anything, and all inside this house can continue to collect dust in it's blooming irrelevancy.  Honestly, I've never experienced ANYTHING like this before and don't know what it is I'm dealing with.

I have no appetite whatsoever, and food doesn't even taste good anymore.  You'd think I'd get some benefit from that, like weight loss.  But no, thanks to the prednisone after-effects I can eat less than 1,000 calories a day and not lose a single ounce.  yay.

You're probably thinking "Oh, that sounds just like depression!"  Well, perhaps.  Except.. depression makes it so you don't WAN'T do do anything, go anywhere, and while it comes with physical pain, etc... what I'm dealing with isn't quite like that.  Oh, I GET depressed--but who wouldn't?  My mind and spirit WANT'S to do things again, not spend most of my time in bed (literally), wants to go places, take my camera and explore, and have at least an ordinary life if not an extraordinary one.  The DESIRE is there, buried deep beneath weakness, fatigue, pain, nausea, and so much more.  It's there, but it's being held hostage at the moment.

My life now, day by day, is marked by two thoughts: Morning: "Maybe today!"  And evening: "Maybe tomorrow!"

Is THIS my new normal?  Is this all there is, all I have to look forward to?  Will I ever feel good again?  Will I ever feel anything but pain, fatigue, and discomfort?  Will I ever have JOY again?

Will I EVER feel good or experience joy again?  Will it always be about pain, misery?

Will I really have to spend the rest of my life feeling like I have the worst case of the flu 24/7?

Will I ever... get answers to those questions?

Watching the sun from my bedroom window.

NOTE: I spent a good deal of time on my other blog "All Things Ephemeral," just in case you're curious about that.  A few updates, etc.

My days are spent mostly in my room.  "My room" is basically my personal space for creativity, decompressing, etc.  It's become where I sleep now due to the fact that I toss and turn most of the night due to pain.  T snores something awful, which makes sleeping worse.  So we can BOTH sleep, we've decided to take that up in separate rooms... which does help.  I couldn't sleep at all with a freight train next to me. :/

My room has two tall windows which are covered by light colored/natural bamboo roman blinds.  I keep the blinds closed, but diffused light still comes through.  My days aren't terribly happy ones--to say the least, and depression is with me much of the time.  I mean, who wouldn't be depressed being sick and painful 24hrs a day?  But I'm in there trying to relax, trying to feel better---waiting to feel better, occasionally searching my phone to amuse myself when I can't sleep, and listening to music when I'm up to it.  I love music, but sometimes I'm so painful that I need absolute quiet.  Yes.. it sucks big time.

Last night was a very difficult night for me.  Let me first say that when I have moments when it all just overwhelms me, it's not that I feel sorry for myself.  What I do feel is immense frustration that my body has become my worst enemy.  I wait things out, am careful, try to exercise but fail miserably, and my body doesn't respond to anything.  Anything that is except prednisone, and i'm NOT taking that again.  So my days are spent ticking off the minutes, the hours... until the day is gone and lost forever.

In the mornings the sun rises and brings light through my bedroom window, and I'm filled with hope. Hope that today will be better, that the pain will finally subside, that I can move without weakness, without all this pain.  Those thoughts carry me through the day until the day is gone, done, when the light changes and signals that the opportunity has passed... again.

The sun rises and sets outside of my room, signaling only one thing--that I lost that battle again.

Last night, late evening as the sun began to set, and like so many other times... I felt despair wash over me.  I couldn't stop it, and in many ways didn't want to.  I needed to feel this in order to move past it all.

So sick of all of this.

It's Been Rough

I'm not sure how long I can sit at the computer, but I'm giving it a try anyway...

I'm down to 2.5mg of Prednisone per day and am feeling completely beaten to death at this point.  The bloating/edema is still as severe as ever, and I just can't seem to feel right no matter what I do.  My appetite has waned, thankfully, but now nausea has taken place where I did have the dreaded prednisone appetite.  And I'm cold--SO cold.  I honestly don't have any idea what to expect going forward and am barely hanging on.  I'm dead serious about that.

The worst of it is that I'm having issues, big issues, with my muscles not working; they honestly just refuse to do what they're supposed to do.  The weakness and bloat and discomfort are unbearable.  But I'm hanging in there, getting up every morning, pushing through the routines I like in order to maintain some semblance of normalcy in this so-called "Life."  But it doesn't feel like MY life.  Not even a little.

It's only 10:55am and I've been up since about 7:30am.  And I want so badly to crawl back into bed, cover up, get warm... and sleep.  Just... sleep.  I'll allow myself to give into that once I'm done updating my blogs; a goal I set today and intend to fulfill.

Where is normalcy, my life, vitality?  Why I continue to ask that is beyond me.  I mean, I know full well it's just a rhetorical question that has NO answer.  Habit, I guess.

....I'm waning fast here....

The Elusive Unknown.

Variables in my life are sometimes the insidious monsters that hide in the shadows laying in wait.  While the analogy sounds grim, it's my way of defining the undefinable.  It's a human thing, after all.

This road I'm on is rocky, and I'm left feeling the broken pieces of my life digging deep into every step I take. On the surface everything appears chaotic and inherently uncontrollable; such is the process of healing.  One thing resolves while another is revealed.  Symptoms from illness, symptoms from medications to treat illness, and more pieces of yet another puzzle found in lab reports that inspires even more questions than reveals answers.  I'm left wondering when this will ever end and how?

I know how I sound most of the time, and I've refrained from giving voice to the truth inside.  I guess it's my not-so-distant past still poking it's spiny nails into my back, reminding me I just can't express those feelings because it may make other people uncomfortable... "And we can't have that, now, can we?".. it says.  That voice should've been silenced a couple of years ago, and yet here it is, interfering again.  That's another talk-show, I'm afraid.

But the truth is--I'm depressed most of the time.  Beyond that first week on prednisone, when I felt more like myself than I had in years, things have gotten better in some ways, and worse in many others.  So much is blindingly out of control, and I don't have the energy or drive to rage against any of it, nor do I have the power right now to affect change.

There are steps that I MUST take in order to heal.

There are some things I can do, or that I think I can do given my health problems.  And when I say "Think" I'm referring to changes I can make that I've no clue as to if they would help or harm.  Since there are no definitive answers as to what's what beyond the Autoimmune Hepatitis, I'm left in this ridiculous limbo where I wait.. and wait.. and wait; not the best scenario, I assure you.

I go to bed each night believing that the next day will be better, another opportunity to get it right (whatever that means).  I listen to music, remember better times, better health, and being happy, and long for a sleep where I don't remember my dreams the following day.  And when I wake up in the morning I'm greeted with the familiar weakness, and the other reminders that I'm not anywhere near healed.  It's another day of waiting and wondering and finding the strength to just...keep...going.  For every day I make it to the end I consider a good day, because I haven't given up, at least not yet.

It's glaring apparent as to what I need to do.  My mind and body are often at odds, all physical and emotional 'discussions' ongoing and without, as of yet, any agreement.  Let me tell you--this sucks in more ways than I can describe.

Eat better.  Work out.  Find ways that inspire peace, tranquility, happiness, joy.  BELIEVE that this WILL be resolved at some point.  I know this is what I should be doing, how I should be thinking, but my body warns me that believing isn't enough--not nearly enough.

The problems with my relationship also causes a great deal of distress, stress, anxiety, frustration, and it often completely steals all joy out of my life--what little there is.  If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times--I'm not demonizing T.  He does the best he can, I know, but his being tuned out, the knee-jerk reactions and actions of his that are blatantly disrespectful needs addressing.  And soon.  I can't do that for him, which means I'm left to exist within the confines of those happiness-destroying behaviors.  He's a good man, but he needs to educate himself on a few things.  Enough said about him, though.

I'm depressed.  I am.  I'm not completely taken out at the knees, though, so that's a good thing.  But it's something I needed to say.

Spilling Over

I guess I should remind some of you who may not know, that if something is bothering me particularly.. I will most likely post it in all of my blogs.  The spillover from one to the next is just something that's going to happen.  Most of the time I aim to separate what I'm talking about between each one so that the meaning isn't really lost in context.  Make sense?

My blogs overlap, though they're meant to be focused in one aspect of my life or another...

Boo's Juicy Bits:  The main aim here is health, diet, eating, all the things that support and give us a foundation for a good (or bad) life.  There's so much to this part of health, so there will be at times an overlap as to what's going on the pages.  If life is getting in the way, or helping me on my way, the details will most likely end up there as well.  And don't be surprised if you find sexually-focused chatter on there as well.   The information is all connected in one form or fashion anyway.

Where Fireflies Dream:  Created as a place for whimsical thought and ideas to play, an expression of who I am, how I dream, what I want, and the things that can or do hold me back from my greatest expression of self within my life as it is at any given point.  Again, be aware that at times topics of a sexual nature will most likely appear in posts.  Don't say I didn't warn you. ;)

This Free Spirit:  The newest blog and one I feel is necessary, even critical for me.  It's a place to talk about abuse.  Been there, done that, and still haven't gotten 100% past the damage, to say the least.  My goal with this is sharing in hopes it will help others, but also to have a place to talk/deal with the lasting effects of my experiences.  This one will often have chatter of a sexual nature as well.

All Things Ephemeral:  Originally, this one was created to let it all hang out, a no holds barred kind of place to talk about EVERYTHING in great, bloody detail.  The nature of doing this means that, in the past, I would often delete posts after a day or two, a week, a month, whatever... because it was a bit much to leave just sitting there for the whole world to see.  However, this is changing.

I will be taking that no holds barred approach with posting there soon, as it's one of the greatest barriers I need to cross in order to heal.  Like Pavlov's Dogs I learned through experience that expressing myself openly meant I would pay a price, a high one at that.  But since this is no longer the case I plan on resuming, for personal growth and healing, my once bold approach to using this blog exactly as I intended---a place for me to be free to express myself in any way I see fit!

Onward...!

Still fighting to find my bearings

Something isn't right.  "Something" hasn't felt right for a few years now, maybe since about 2012, maybe 2011.  When things break, the pieces often remain, cutting their way through the soft fabric of life.  I guess I'm realizing I was more malleable than first thought, and the strong, restraining hands of  someone I loved reshaped parts of me that I actually liked.  Not to say I'm not still in here--because I absolutely am.  Such is the part of me that fights like hell to keep me safe, protected from all the hurtful, jagged edges of what's left.  Because.. the parts of me that didn't mold to the whims and needs and demands of that person...shattered.  Where am I?

The barriers I've built around me have protected me in some ways, and they've also crushed me in others; Vulnerability is no longer something I give into.  Instead, I strive to be the strongest I've ever been, though it's not a comfortable posture for me.  So what of the discomfort, then?  It is what it is and it will remain because of my will.  It is MY will that allows or disallows what happens to me as a person, a woman, a friend, a lover, a mom... every facet that makes me who I am is ultimately at the mercy of MY will and no other but God's.  His will is ultimate, but my will is His gift to me.  And no, I'm not going off on a religious tangent.  I'm simply taking responsibility for the damage I allowed others to do to me, and also for my inability to completely regain control of the clanging thought-machine inside me that clatters on and on.

It's just one of those days sitting in the midst of one of those weeks in what I now call one of those lives...

I'm dealing with illness because of the unrest and DIS-ease I've felt for so long, with the majority of it beginning when I blindly walked into a situation I didn't want to recognize for what it actually was.  I fell headlong right into the abyss and hit bottom.  Dammit, but I should have had my own back.  I have a good understanding of this NOW and am being diligent, watchful.  And yet, contemplating what my life is now in the wake of the experiences isn't exactly pretty.  Not at all.

Nothing is improving.  My health continues to worsen, and all the tests I've gone through over the past few weeks, all of the tests I'm going through THIS week will tell me where I am in all of this.  While it may not be the best course of action on my part I will wait for the doctors to render their final diagnosis and allow them to push me in the direction I need to go.  I'm so bogged down in near-defeat that I can't seem to propel myself in the right direction.

I will let the current take me.

What's left

I have to admit that beginning another blog that focuses on emotional abuse, etc., has been good for getting things out that have needed letting out for some time now.  And even if I can't help myself through this, then maybe I can help others.  There will be entries of what I've been through, how I felt about it, their effects on me then and now, and much about moving on, recognizing where I've been and how it's changed who I am--for better or worse, and how my world is post-nightmare.  Either way, it's all good considering.  Considering...

I have so far to go even still.  In the aftermath there remains no closure.  I will find peace with it all eventually.

Today I'm in a place that's leaving me tired, worn, and still as confused as ever.  The situation with T is still an ongoing thing in which it appears he has no desire to change the behaviors that hurt, belittle, and depress me.  Depression is rage turned inward; I'm sure you guys have heard that.  And it's true.  The trick in getting past that is to know WHO or WHAT you're actually enraged at!  Fun stuff.

In my world, as it is now, I have to make my own way through the muddle without a support network.  All the health issues, the isolation, the loneness that comes with being in a new place and too sick to get out and meet people, it all has taken a great toll on everything I am.  There IS a strong element of depression, situational as it may be, it doesn't seem to want to lose its hold.  Taking an antidepressant is completely unappealing to me, and it's not an option anyway due to being on a blood thinner.  So the question remains---so now what?  Tired of having that question hanging overhead while seemingly no answer exists for this dilemma.  Crap.  Crap.  and CRAP.

*shaking my head*

Another day perhaps...

PART 2: Selfishness as a matter of convenience (Where's the respect??)

I'm unimpressed.  I'm completely unimpressed by T, and by the way most guys treat women.  In my particular case, the disrespect is dehumanizing, demoralizing, belittling, and disappointing beyond anything I've known.  It's not just this relationship, but in the past as well.  My choices have NOT been the greatest, and my guess it's because I'm trusting and take people at face-value.  This is NOT a good thing.  At all.

As of yesterday a new low has been established, and I'm in no position to do anything about it.  Thus is the case when dealing with control freaks who refuse to see that they're actions are completely selfish and self-serving.  DON'T VOLUNTEER to do something for someone if you're only going to use it to gain control over that person!  DAMN!  How hard is that to understand?

All my doctor's appointments are now between my doctors and T.  Why?  Because ALL appointments aren't about what's necessary, or needed, or critical, or about doing tests etc in a 'timely fashion.'  Nope.  NOW my appointments are about what's convenient for T.  It's about what he does or does not feel like doing, what works with his schedule (he's been told he needs to use a lot of his leave or lose it), and none of it has a thing to do with... me, you know, the actual patient.

Yesterday was a disaster, stressful beyond reason, frustrating in that I'm basically told I no longer have any control on when or what time I get an appointment.  *sigh*  One major symptom of late makes it dangerous for me to drive much beyond a few miles of my house.  Dizziness/vertigo doesn't exactly translate into "safe driving."  So I'm stuck for the time being, screwed beyond reason, because I have to wait for T to decide when I can see my ENT or Neurologist regarding the severe tinnitus, vertigo and dizziness that's come on over the past couple of weeks.  I sit.  And I wait.  For HIM to decide when it's a good time to see the doctor about this.

Why the F***K am I here????!!!!  Being here is unhealthy, both physically and emotionally.  It's detrimental to my health and well-being, and the inner workings of living in this house with T has destroyed my quality of life.

Now, some of you know my recent history with relationships and know what I've gone through.  I also know what you're most likely going to say to me and expect that email eventually.  It's okay.  Send it on.  Maybe I need to hear that.. 'again.' ;)  Either way, you're most likely seeing something familiar in all of what I'm writing, in which case I will say... I do too.

More later.  I promise... the flood gates are open now...

Finally.

Signs of Emotional Abuse and How to Respond (Episode 16)

For you M... and for anyone who needs to hear this.  You know who you are, and you know how this feels.

PART 1: Selfishness as a matter of convenience

Selfishness is a part of all human nature.  When a person believes they're not selfish--they're lying to themselves.  The degree of selfishness matters, as does the reason, because in selfishness.. every detail does matter.  Some selfishness is necessary, and we all know this.  When someone wants you to help them and you have other plans that are 'higher on the proverbial totem pole,' then it's a matter of priorities.  Putting off taking your sick child to the doctor just so you can indulge a friend who needs to rant... is down-right insane.  In the pecking order of things---you simply do not harm another person with your selfishness.

Convenience.  Everyone understands this, right?  I know what it is.  You know what it is.  And this, like selfishness, has a hierarchy in which you determine what is right and what is wrong.  That really should go without saying.

I'm getting to the point here, but I'm also indulging in non-emotional verbiage in order to get control of the raging emotions within.  It's NOT easy, I'll tell you.  Just bear with me for a moment as I attempt to gain a little control here before going off completely.

I've spoken about my health issues, so many of you know some of it is a bit on the scary side.  I don't sit around in fear worrying all of the time about it, but I also don't completely ignore it thinking things will miraculously get better.  The way things are right now I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  Truly.  I never thought I could feel this bad.

Today....

Things began in the usual way, with me trying to drag myself through a few mundane tasks and telling myself I'm going to get better, while in the next moment wondering if I can stand even one more day of it all.  Not just the health issues, which are awful, but with this 'relationship' (for lack of a better descriptive word).  I believe a person can deal with just about anything if they have a strong support network (which I don't), and also if their physical environment is conducive to healing  If your living environment is stressful, depressing, hollow, empty, uninspiring... and more, you will have to do some serious magic to pull yourself up and out of whatever awful place you're in, both emotionally and physically/medically.

I have yet another CT w/contrast to go through.  This one is for my lungs, to further evaluate the nodule, the unexplained scarring, etc.  They had to put it off for about 3 months because I had a CT without contrast, which means they couldn't get all the information they needed.  Honestly, it worries me how many of these imaging sessions I've had.  Too many.  But it is what it is.

My pulmonologist's secretary wasn't aware that I had a CT scheduled for the 18th, so when I called about some other test results (that aren't back in yet), she told me that she needed to make the appt for me.  She chose the 9th.  When I sent T a text to let him know when it was, he immediately went to "THAT" place where everything becomes all about convenience.  What it really comes down to are priorities and where I am on that list.  Where am I?...the bottom.

Some appointments I can't drive myself to and from, because they require someone to drive me.  T has an enormous amount of accrued leave time available, about a month actually, and so if he has to take me to an appt, etc., it doesn't do any financial harm, and his boss has already said he needs to use some of that leave.  He volunteered, and now he wants to complain about the dates and times of my appointments.  SO... today I made a decision....

I told T that from now on my appointment will be between HIM and the person setting the appointment.  I'm going to completely remove myself from the process because it seems these appointments are really about my health, but what is convenient for HIM.  What was his response?  "Okay."  He feels pretty good about himself right now.

There's really no other way to take this situation, no other way to see it other than what it EXACTLY is---selfishness in full swing.  Never mind that the doctor says he wants a test or procedure done by a certain time, as soon as possible, etc.  It's not about that... at least to T.  And he refuses to care that the longer these things are put off the longer I will be this sick.  Things are completely out of hand in the world of control freaks.  It's the truth.  And why the F**K do I always end up with control freaks anyway?  Well, it's not been in every relationship---there've been ones in the distant past that weren't like that.

And please, don't make the mistake of equating selfLESSness with buying someone things.  There are FAR FAR greater kindnesses, trust me.  Such as--treating someone with kindness and respect, being there for them when things are bad, listening to them without judgment, and actually putting their health, happiness, etc... ABOVE what's CONVENIENT.

Do you think being sick or dealing with a chronic illness is CONVENIENT for the person who's sick?  HELL NO!  No one wants to be this sick, so sick that they would do ANYTHING to feel better.  NO ONE wants a shitty quality of life.  So when you (using the word "You" loosely here) indulge in the 'This is so inconvenient for me" for me mindset, you're showing your true colors and actually causing harm to the person who's sick.  I mean, if you can't muster any empathy, compassion, or caring, if your give-a-shitter is THAT whacked, then by all means remove yourself from that person's life so they can HEAL!!!

In all honesty, I remember the last relationship I had where I DIDN'T feel as if I were better off alone, and it was a LONG LONG time ago.  Since then, I've usually ended up in a situation that left me feeling like the very best thing for me was to be single, because there was a total absence of health-destroying stress.  And I don't think I have to go on about the levels of stress, the differences between that which motivates and that which can kill.

I can't fix someone's lack of compassion.  I can't explain to them (where they'd get it) that buying something for someone who needs emotional support, love, compassion, etc... only makes themselves feel better.  Because it surely doesn't do a damn thing for the person who's suffering.

No offense to the guys reading this, but... if you're one of those men who find yourself saying "I bought x, y, z for you, so I DO care!"... then you may have a problem.  UNLESS that something you bought actually changed their life long-term.. the way true kindness and compassion does.  Not to say that gifts can't represent compassion, etc.. because they often do.  But you have to pay attention to what that person really needs, what they communicate to you.  Because when you don't, you miss the mark.

I'm angry right now because my situation, my health, etc. isn't being taken seriously by T.  It's damaging, stressful...which makes it more damaging.  "I" take it seriously.  My doctors take it seriously.  But T continues to do things that either undo all the work I've done thus far, or he does things that literally thwarts my efforts.

..... PART 2 will be next.  I have to gather my VERY scattered thoughts at the moment.

In the wake of an unexpected 12 hours

Insomnia is the usual case for me, especially over the past year.  Very difficult to fall asleep, and even more difficult waking up.  It's not that I don't wake up, it's more that I feel like I've been hit by a truck when I do.  This has been destroying my quality of life for some time now.  And last night was an unusual event as I slept for about 12 hours.  I do have to say, however, that it wasn't an unbroken sleep.  But even if within that broken 12 hours I managed to get 11 hours, I can feel a bit of change today.  Hasn't resolved everything, but I feel somewhat different.  This has to be brought under control.  And this... effects EVERYTHING about my life.  EVERYTHING.

Sometimes, after I have a fairly decent night's sleep I wake up feeling odd, too aware of everything.  I'm not sure this is a good thing, to tell you the truth.  In fact, it's quite unsettling.  In the fog of sleep deprivation and other limiting health issues it's almost a Godsend to have reality blurred somewhat.  I know it sounds crazy, but you don't know my life.. not really.  My 'life' hovers on the edges of that blurred reality for the most part, and when the lines begin to sharpen around what I've been ignoring and the stark reality of what actually IS...my anxiety builds.  Why?  Well, isn't it obvious?  Frankly put---I don't like my reality.

Changing my reality:

I've not given up.  I'm searching for answers.  If those answers are WITHIN me, then those things are buried DEEP, because I can't seem to access them at all.  So what's next?  Yeah, you hear that a lot here, don't you?  If I had the answers to that I'd already being doing it, trust me.

Still, I have to compartmentalize everything these days just so I can deal; I think we all pretty much do this.  I guess the trick is to not completely seal everything off.  *shrugs*

Healing.  Healing is absolutely NECESSARY to getting back to myself again.  I have to heal in mind, body, and spirit.  No matter what, I will have no quality of life if I don't heal.  So how do I do that?  How do I heal while in a place that isn't conducive to healing?  THAT is the million dollar question.

I'm stuck:

What do I do?  Where do I go?  How do I start?  When do I start?  How long will it take?  Which path is right?  Will I find my footing?

There isn't a single soul around that I can talk to about this.  The few people I have to talk to I can't open up to.  It's difficult to talk to someone who's not listening.

There's nothing that instills mistrust in another person than trying to talk to someone about something critical, important and having them shrug it off as if it's insignificant.  I'm not a fool, and I can tell when someone really could give a shit less.  All it takes is once, and I won't open up to that person again...

"Sorry to hear that.  Hope you feel better soon."  Wow.  Can't tell you how much this one puts me off.

Platitudes are not only insulting and hurtful to me, but they make you look shallow and self-absorbed.  Seriously.

It's been said that we live in a 'ME ME ME' era, and I have to agree.  Opening up to another human being, wether a friend or relative, is almost pointless these days.  At least it's been this way for me.  And...this is why I have blogs.  Opening up to people usually just brings on the deadpan platitudes that actually make me feel worse.

Does anyone in this country give a shit about anything at all?

Even T is deadpan, self-absorbed to the point of not seeing or hearing or feeling anything about anyone around him.  Most of all me.  But I'm adjusting to that, which means... my feelings toward him are changing radically, and now... irreversibly.  He was warned about this some time back, so he knew the risk of maintaining the status-quo.  Once I accepted that I have to focus on myself in order to heal, to get well, to reach for a better quality of life, to be happy, hopeful, and vibrant... things became both easier and more difficult at the same time.  I never expected this to be easy.

Back to sleep...

My dreams tell all.  I tend to dream a lot these days, and I dream of a reality that isn't, or at least used to be, MY reality.  I'm never tired, sick, painful, or alone in my dreams.  When I sleep.. I'm exactly where I want to be in my waking life.  I know what it is that I want, and my subconscious is showing me every single night how vastly WRONG my actual life is.  Many times I absolutely hate waking up.

It's going to be a long process, reaching my goals, and I will have to remind myself each and every day what those goals are.  I will also have to do everything in my power not to give up, because what happens in the reality of my life makes me want to give up.  This isn't a good thing.  At all.

So, what now?

I am...

I am a person, a human, a woman, someone with feelings, thoughts, hopes, dreams, intelligence, passion, and a heart.  I feel, breathe, think, love, hope, hurt, give, and bleed.  I am sensitive, patient, empathetic, sympathetic, spiritual, and I feel deeply what is sent my way.  My pain is real.  My joy is real.  My love is real.

I am real.

Because I am, I feel.  Because I think, I feel.  Because I breathe, I feel.  Because I have a soul, I feel.  And what I feel is exactly everything.  When you speak, I feel your words, and when you don't, I feel that as well.

I hear you when you're not talking.  I see you when you're not there.  My mind, soul, spirit and heart remembers everything.  I feel everything you've said, done, not said and not done, and it has changed parts of me, of who I am.  But I will find a way and strive each and every day to heal, to restore all that I once was.

The parts of me you broke with your words and actions, or inactions, are still there.  Every shattered part of me holds on and waits to be healed.

I am healing, though much slower than I'd hoped.

Inside there are are pieces that aren't mine at all but harmful remnants of an experience that threatened to change me completely, insidious shrapnel of an emotional war I never wanted to be a part of.

I'm passed the part where I forgive myself for willingly allowing myself to think everything I experienced was okay.  I apologized for allowing so much harm to be done as I did nothing.  I no longer ask myself 'why' I didn't exit much sooner than I did.  I've come to the conclusion that some things I will most likely never come to terms with, maybe not even completely heal from.  I can't say goodbye or get closure from someone who basically didn't actually exist.  Realizing that everything you thought you knew about someone wasn't real is beyond difficult, because there is no one to say goodbye to when the relationship ends.

I will heal.  Eventually I will be fully me again.  But there is much to sort out even now.  The wound opens time and time again because closure wasn't possible, and I work to forgive, repeatedly repair the damage that never seems to fully heal.

Anger is part of the process of letting go.  In the stages of loss, which happens with breakups, one must absolutely feel every stage.  But who am I to be angry at, sad over, etc?  The person I fell in love with, in the end, revealed so much about themselves as their guard went down that I didn't even recognize them.  At all.  I was allowed to see what they wanted me to see early-on, and I fell in love with THAT person, a person who disappeared completely and was replaced by.... a stranger.  I did not recognize that person and never saw the one I'd fallen in love with again.  So when things finally ended, there I was, wondering who I was supposed to say goodbye to.

More on this later as it's bigger than I'm able to speak about or even deal with in-short.

Is this the beginning of getting back to me again?

PART 2: Artumentative---The art of arguing.

Told you there would be a part 2.  If you've not read part 1 you may want to do that now... otherwise, you could end up confused.

I know what I have to do.  I've always known what I have to do.  The trick is being allowed to do what it is I have to do.  Oh, and what is this thing I have to do?  It's obvious, isn't it?  I have to take my life back!  This isn't as easy as it sounds.  Well, in some circumstances it can be quite easy, such as when you don't have anyone hovering over you and fighting against that very thing.  One has to adapt an extremely stubborn and determined mind-set in order to succeed in that environment.  And me, well, I don't have much of a determined mind-set at the moment.  Being anemic and not having any treatment as of yet is causing the wind to miss my sails, so to speak.  I'm struggling.

Every single day I try to find my motivation, and every single day thus far it's been a total failure.  I mean, I can feel that drive somewhere inside me, but my body feels so horrible, so weak, painful.. that I can't seem to make myself GET THERE.  Every day I try again, though.  Every.  Single.  Day.

I have to find a way.  My physical and mental health are both suffering at the moment, and dammit if I have to constantly work around T to keep from buckling under this mess.  Dammit, will you just let me live!?!  I can't breathe.  And I need life experiences to find myself again.

Living.  God, but I've not been doing that for so long.  While I don't feel well enough to want to go do anything, anything at all... I live with someone who, while very healthy, chooses to NOT do anything.  Content to simply sit in front of a T.V., he does absolutely nothing that he doesn't HAVE to do.  And even the things that people do because they really need to... he won't.  He's "Life lazy" in every way you could imagine.  Me... I'm terrified that the rest of my life will simply pass without my having wonderful experiences, making new memories, or feeling as if I am actually alive.

So tell me, how the hell do I get back to my life?  I will make my own experiences, my own memories, and live life... even if I embark on those journeys alone.  I'd rather do them alone than not do them at all.  Period.  T will fight me on this.

T will have no interest in the things I do, want to do, need to do.  But he will want to tag along.  He won't 'get' what I'm doing and will have absolutely no intention on being present.  But he will insist on tagging along, knowing he will be the reason the experience is not only cut short, but lost.  I've been through this before, which I believe was the catalyst that made this fire that's burning my life from the inside-out.. a raging inferno that threatens everything I am.

History, our history, has led to my giving up.  Oh, but how I tried to keep what vitality I still had (despite my health deteriorating).  When I decided to go somewhere, anywhere, simply to get out of the house and out of my head so I could think about anything other than being sick, it would end it total disaster.  Because T insisted on tagging along.  Even if I only ended up going to Starbuck's, or walking around a store to "Window shop."  It didn't matter.  Within 20 minutes he was acting asking how much longer it was going to be before we left.  Every single time.  I grew to hate going anywhere with him, because he doesn't LIKE to go anywhere or do anything.  And he doesn't like the idea that I DO.  In the middle of whatever it was I was doing... he would blurt out how late it is, or how tired he was, or how bored he was.  OMG, WTF did you want to come with me if you knew you wouldn't enjoy it??????!!!!!!!!

*sigh*

So what will I do moving forward?  That's easy.  I will tell him I'm doing X, Y, or Z on my own.  My life will be the better for it.  And he can sit in front of a television.

Oh, and I'm guessing you're thinking that maybe I should've asked what HE would like to do.  I have, hence the statement that he doesn't want to do anything.  The couple of times he has said what he wants to do... it always involved either eating, or going to a movie.  Sorry.  That sounds WAY too much like what we do at home.  Watch T.V. and eat meals.  Ugh.  I can't stand it anymore.  LIFE isn't eating and watching television, or being on Facebook every spare minute.

Nope.  This is MY life.  I am going to LIVE my life on my own terms.  I have to.  My life actually depends on it.

Breaking through

Life has gotten slow and stagnant.  But I guess it's a by-product of health issues that sap every single bit of your strength, stamina, vitality.  Apparently it's an unavoidable outcome for a somewhat lazy health care system where doctors continue to treat lab values instead of people.  This is not the actual topic of my entry here, so bear with me a minute...  Here's my dilemma---a slow, and not quite steady, progression from test, to test results, to... no real solutions.  What I'm left with is no quality of life.  How the hell did I get here?  As many times as I've asked that question, I've gotten equally as many... wait.  No.  I've gotten NO answers at all.

Screw it.

But do I really feel that way?  In some ways, I do.  There's a larger part of me that's had it, totally and completely HAD IT with feeling this way.  It's been coming on for a few years, though some of the issues recently discovered appear as new---but it doesn't mean that they actually are.  In fact, maybe it's the same issues just now revealed.  Geez.  I can't even get my thoughts straight on this.

I do what little exercise I can, when I can.  I push almost every day for this, making sure the attempt is made, if nothing else.  Mostly, I end up doing very little because there simply isn't enough energy or strength to actually DO the task(s).  Doctors love to say... "Exercise will help."  That's a whole lot like having an empty gas tank and expecting to drive.  In fact, it's exactly like that.  I simply don't have anything to work with.

Quality of life.  I see so many people who don't understand just how blessed they are to feel healthy, be healthy, and be able to live their lives somewhat normally.  I'm not judging them at all, but I am curious as to if they know just how blessed they are to ONLY have a minor headache, or maybe fatigue from staying up too late, etc.  I would SO trade places with them.

But that's not the topic here either...

Yes, I'm having trouble getting to the f'ing point.  It's one of those days, so it is what it is.

So what DO I know for sure?  Well, I know my GP (who is a pretty good Dr.) is out of the country until next week and that his secretary/nurse told me that they prescribe iron tablets for anemia.  Really?  Because it seems to me that putting something into your body that your body can't hold on to is... like putting gas in a car that has a hole in the tank.  *sigh*

I really want to know WHY this is happening.  There isn't any real "Idiopathic" iron deficiency anemia.  It's always caused by something.  The most obvious things are checked, and when they show to not be the cause.. it's shrugged off.  Why?  IDA is NOT a minor thing, and it has terrible affects on the health and quality of live of the person dealing with it.

But that's not the actual topic/focus here either...

What the hell am I trying to say, exactly?

I guess I don't really know.  Or I can't focus well enough to figure it out.  Dizziness... yet another symptom of IDA.  Ugh.

Sheesh.