Almost Alive

Adrift.  That's what it feels like right now.  Physically there are limitations to what I can accomplish in any given time slot.  I've made my peace with that, because without facing even unpleasant realities I'm going to constantly be smacked by them when I'm not paying attention.  At least being aware and acknowledging what I'm dealing with gives me the power to work around the obstacles.  It's either that or roll over and play dead; I'm simply not going to do that.  Not now.  Not ever.

My goals today, to the average person, would look incredibly lame.  But unless you know what it feels like, to need a nap after showering, then you probably don't understand that MY goals most likely don't look like yours; not even close.  But then, maybe some of you understand this on some level.

Anxiety and stress while taking this drug I'm on means feeling even worse in the aftermath.  With prednisone on board my adrenals have, or is in the process, of shutting down a bit, almost completely.  It's the nature of the beast for this to happen.  So in times of stress and anxiety the adrenals kick in and release cortisol, the anti-stress hormone.  Except in my case, because trying to maintain balance my adrenals won't be chiming in to save the day, leaving me basically with little to fight back with.  This causes some serious issues, both physical and emotional.

My body doesn't react to stress now the way it used to.  The response that normally comes forth is no longer there, no longer helping me to deal with stressors, especially the bigger ones.  Little things are now big things, and being unable to physically handle things that need handling causes even further stress.  I can't light enough fires under T to get anything done, and my body is my worst enemy right now for getting things done.  Oh... but I do try anyway, and boy oh boy is there ever a price to pay when I do.

I need peace, tranquility, a chance to decompress completely.  None of this half-ass breaking down mid-day business, but actually being able to decompress and relax every muscle in my body, quiet the inner dialogue, and still the tension I feel all over.  I need this to be a conscious choice and not a random occurrence that happens just because the timing is right.

I need a vacation, and yet I'm too tired to consider the possibility.  How does that even happen?... too tired to take a vacation.  I so need to get away, though.  Still, I also know that it will be far more enjoyable if I were well.  See, I'm not even sure that last statement makes any sense...

So I remain in a physical and emotional limbo, not quite alive, not actually dead.  Geez.

Fun Stuff & the Continued Muddle of Health

So, on a high note today.. I got an Apple Watch.  Pretty cool little gadget, and I really needed a watch.  Made perfect sense.  Came in a HUGE box, so (like my iPhone 6 Plus) I've dubbed it my "WatchASaurus."  Opted for the rose metal sport watch with the gray band and really like it.  Chose the larger face to make things easier to work with.  I'm happy with my choice, even if I did get startled terribly when it finished syncing and vibrated on my wrist. lol  Small price to pay, right?

I guess the next step is to make sure I have the Apple Watch app on my iPhone... apparently that's needed.  So that's the good stuff so far today.

The rest of my day--pretty mundane, and I believe it's due to the drop in prednisone.  See, I told you this stuff shouldn't be used for just any ole inflammation problem.  The sides (side effects) are terrible, but if it gets the job done then so be it.  Todays lovely side-effect addition: Depression.  Seriously.  WTF...

It basically just comes down to dancing with the devil and hoping you don't trip.  Prednisone and Eliquis (blood thinner) is a bad combo, but one that can't be avoided.  It's just all part of the package, and I have to learn to be watchful and careful while on Pred.

Strictly speaking, I know some of what I'm up against.  What I dislike at the moment is dealing with it alone, because I'm seriously confused and remaining a bit in denial in some ways.  Without anyone to really talk to about it, I'm just floundering about trying to find my way.

Really wish T would just step out of the way, because he isn't going to get his shit together anytime soon, or at all.  I've gotten mostly past the point of caring, though.  If I'm on my own, he's on his own as well.  He doesn't LIKE that idea, but it's true nonetheless.  It's time, still time, absolutely time for me to take care of myself, put myself first.. for the very first time in my life.

Purity Ring - Obedear [HD]

Like I need another hole in the head

New blog.  Honestly, sometimes I wonder where I get all the time to post in all of these.  In some ways having the focuses of my entries in separate blogs helps me maintain cohesive thought.... well, at least I TRY.  Expressing everything in one common place just makes for a serious muddle in which it's difficult to sift through sometimes.  I mean, I revisit some of my entries to see where I am.  I mean, isn't that what a 'diary' is for?

Well, this new one is about the ongoing processes of working out past injuries, as well as current ones...

Either way, it was a moral imperative.  Finding my way in the dark is a necessity, and the link below will provide you with a window on which to see this happen.  It's not always going to pleasant...

This Free Spirit

OR

http://abusebondsbroken.blogspot.com

Sleep, oh those little slices of death...

....how I NEED them!  Well, sometimes.  This elusive and popular activity, sleep, keeps me at arm's length whenever I try to embrace it.  It's taken a few appointments with doctors, and an orthodontist, to finally get to the bottom of the HEALTH-side of this issue.  As for the other side, the emotional one, well... that may be more complex of a process.  In fact, there's no "may" about it.

I'm sitting here at my laptop wondering...why I'm sitting here at my laptop.  This is how sleep deprivation gets you.  As the world becomes more surreal, the intuitive side and the creative side begin to meld together, thus creating a loss of place.  Do you understand that phrase when I say it?  If you do, you've been here in this garden in forever dusk.  If not, I'm not entirely sure I could explain it to you where you'd actually understand.  Just know that it's a lot like being in a dream while awake..and leave it at that.

This sleepless state changes my perception of just about everything, and in turn my attitude towards just about everything also changes.  Emotional.  There's just no two ways about it.  But this emotion is both limiting and freeing, as the daily filters which keep our tongues in-check fall away.  And yes, those filters are quite necessary in everyday, polite living among society.  I don't worry about it overly  much, because the more tired I become the funnier the world gets.  And also more irritating.  I don't think you can have one without the other in this respect.

Last night as I waited for sleep to rescue me, I realized this love/hate relationship I have with sleep depends on my level or worry, anxiety, loneliness, or the need to BE alone for a bit.  I'm sure this is true for everyone, but I cannot tell you how impossible the act of falling asleep becomes when you, on some level, despise it!  I'm working on that, but there is also a great deal of 'dealing' I need to do in order to get there.  My quality of life is failing because of this unresolved nightmare.  No pun intended.

I have hope now that the health aspect of this insomnia and inability to remain asleep will be resolved.  I'm far too worn out to discuss it now, but I'm confident about this next step, next phase, next.. 'nothing new.'  Truly.  I've been here before.

You know what?  I just can't sit here anymore.  Yeah, it's THAT kind of day. lol

PART II: You can't treat me this way

I no longer care if I'm heard.  My resolve is strong enough that I can take things from here.  My guess is that many guys shrug things off and feel justified in their indifference, and I am more than okay with that right now.  I'm in a place that indifference, silence, and flipping the switch to autopilot just gives me more time to focus on what I need, healing, happiness and health.

Give me enough space and I will build a universe!  And yes, L, you may quote me on that. ;)

Even when I resort to the introvert side of me, or if I'm venting in order to sort through the muddle, I'm a LOT stronger than you think.  Don't underestimate me, because others have and discovered quickly that I don't require their help, blessings, or support in such matters.  If it comes down to the wire... I've got this!

Yes, it would be nice to have people close to me who are supportive.  But I've long since learned that it's not an actual requirement in order to succeed at my goals.  of course, there is a lot that's to be said about having a good support network when you're going through difficulties.  Still, if that network and support isn't there, I have to resort to my own devices.

This is where I am right now.

....Will continue this soon...

In the wake of an unexpected 12 hours

Insomnia is the usual case for me, especially over the past year.  Very difficult to fall asleep, and even more difficult waking up.  It's not that I don't wake up, it's more that I feel like I've been hit by a truck when I do.  This has been destroying my quality of life for some time now.  And last night was an unusual event as I slept for about 12 hours.  I do have to say, however, that it wasn't an unbroken sleep.  But even if within that broken 12 hours I managed to get 11 hours, I can feel a bit of change today.  Hasn't resolved everything, but I feel somewhat different.  This has to be brought under control.  And this... effects EVERYTHING about my life.  EVERYTHING.

Sometimes, after I have a fairly decent night's sleep I wake up feeling odd, too aware of everything.  I'm not sure this is a good thing, to tell you the truth.  In fact, it's quite unsettling.  In the fog of sleep deprivation and other limiting health issues it's almost a Godsend to have reality blurred somewhat.  I know it sounds crazy, but you don't know my life.. not really.  My 'life' hovers on the edges of that blurred reality for the most part, and when the lines begin to sharpen around what I've been ignoring and the stark reality of what actually IS...my anxiety builds.  Why?  Well, isn't it obvious?  Frankly put---I don't like my reality.

Changing my reality:

I've not given up.  I'm searching for answers.  If those answers are WITHIN me, then those things are buried DEEP, because I can't seem to access them at all.  So what's next?  Yeah, you hear that a lot here, don't you?  If I had the answers to that I'd already being doing it, trust me.

Still, I have to compartmentalize everything these days just so I can deal; I think we all pretty much do this.  I guess the trick is to not completely seal everything off.  *shrugs*

Healing.  Healing is absolutely NECESSARY to getting back to myself again.  I have to heal in mind, body, and spirit.  No matter what, I will have no quality of life if I don't heal.  So how do I do that?  How do I heal while in a place that isn't conducive to healing?  THAT is the million dollar question.

I'm stuck:

What do I do?  Where do I go?  How do I start?  When do I start?  How long will it take?  Which path is right?  Will I find my footing?

There isn't a single soul around that I can talk to about this.  The few people I have to talk to I can't open up to.  It's difficult to talk to someone who's not listening.

There's nothing that instills mistrust in another person than trying to talk to someone about something critical, important and having them shrug it off as if it's insignificant.  I'm not a fool, and I can tell when someone really could give a shit less.  All it takes is once, and I won't open up to that person again...

"Sorry to hear that.  Hope you feel better soon."  Wow.  Can't tell you how much this one puts me off.

Platitudes are not only insulting and hurtful to me, but they make you look shallow and self-absorbed.  Seriously.

It's been said that we live in a 'ME ME ME' era, and I have to agree.  Opening up to another human being, wether a friend or relative, is almost pointless these days.  At least it's been this way for me.  And...this is why I have blogs.  Opening up to people usually just brings on the deadpan platitudes that actually make me feel worse.

Does anyone in this country give a shit about anything at all?

Even T is deadpan, self-absorbed to the point of not seeing or hearing or feeling anything about anyone around him.  Most of all me.  But I'm adjusting to that, which means... my feelings toward him are changing radically, and now... irreversibly.  He was warned about this some time back, so he knew the risk of maintaining the status-quo.  Once I accepted that I have to focus on myself in order to heal, to get well, to reach for a better quality of life, to be happy, hopeful, and vibrant... things became both easier and more difficult at the same time.  I never expected this to be easy.

Back to sleep...

My dreams tell all.  I tend to dream a lot these days, and I dream of a reality that isn't, or at least used to be, MY reality.  I'm never tired, sick, painful, or alone in my dreams.  When I sleep.. I'm exactly where I want to be in my waking life.  I know what it is that I want, and my subconscious is showing me every single night how vastly WRONG my actual life is.  Many times I absolutely hate waking up.

It's going to be a long process, reaching my goals, and I will have to remind myself each and every day what those goals are.  I will also have to do everything in my power not to give up, because what happens in the reality of my life makes me want to give up.  This isn't a good thing.  At all.

So, what now?

You found a what?

Well, yesterday's appt did NOT go the way I expected.  At all.  Not.  At.  All.

So I went for my follow-up appointment with my pulmonologist yesterday, mostly to discuss chest CT and sleep study results.  The minor part is that they found 'mild sleep apnea.'  Ok.  Then he went on to discuss the lung nodule...and something else they found on the CT.

Doctor F stated that the lung nodule was slightly larger, but it also is "Very strange looking."  He went on to explain that there is a "Tubule" attached to the nodule that the radiologist says "May" be due to an impacted/clogged something-or-other-that-I-can't-rember due to my inability to sleep worth a f*ck!  Sorry for the potty mouth, but it's true.  Anyway, the nodule is odd and he said he has to "Think about it a bit..." and may possibly do another CT scan, only with contrast this time.  He's not sure, because he doesn't know what to make of the findings.

Then he said there is another nodule... 1.9 x .5 cm... in my breast.  Well K den.

Next week I have to have another mammogram, and they're insisting they MUST have the last one that I had first, the imaging.  I'm a little spooked by this.  No one is telling me the characteristics of the nodule, and now I understand why the imaging center flat refused to give me a copy of the report... that was finished the day after my CT.  Normally.. I have no issues getting copies of lab or imaging reports.

I also have to see a hematologist (possibly) for the anemia, because the colonoscopy and EGD did NOT show any causes of the anemia.  I will start Rx iron pills today or tomorrow, though.  Hoping I can tolerate those.

Now the big, fat, giant wait.  Again.  Seriously?

I'm nervous about the mammogram, obviously, but the worst part is T's attitude.  He is just mostly put out because I wanted him to give me a ride there, to be with me while I have this screening.  He basically complained, meaning it was an inconvenience.  I simply told him, never mind... I will take myself!  I certainly don't need some whining, self-absorbed, watch-checking complainer coming with me on THE SCARIEST and most stressful test to-date.  Mr. Indifference needs to keep his distance, because what I need right now is far from whining, complaining, etc.

Yes.  It's time to be a little pissed about this.  And I am.

Dammit!!

So what of the heart, home, a place where my soul can feel uplifted, rejuvenated, allowed to grow and breathe and soar?  Dunno.  Still waiting on that one, I guess.  Dealing with the anemia is a start.  PC doc is referring me to a hematologist to see what the cause is.

Dammit again!

*sigh*

PART II: Sept 08, 2015

Sunroom nearly done..ceiling fan needs to be put up.  ....The house is looking great.  It's been a very long haul getting everything done, but it doesn't look at all like the house it was.  THAT...is a good thing.  It's been a while since I've talked about the house, so just to reiterate what's what---it hadn't had but one (very ugly) update to it since it was built in 1972.  Location is AWESOME, the view.. also AWESOME.  But the interior... was just 1972 hideous. lol  Ugh.  But, that was then and this is now.  Going to be okay.

NOTE:  The image here doesn't do the room justice, really.  But you can get the gist. ;)  BTW, I LOVE this sunroom!

After considering one idea for the sunroom, I decided on a blue floor and ceiling.. same color the cabinets are now painted.  LOVE this color!  It's going to look great when the patio furniture and rug, etc. are in the room.  Haven't decided on if I want to put indoor/outdoor sheer curtains in there or not.  I can decide that later on anyway.

Inside...the red brick fireplace is being covered with travertine subway tiles, with larger travertine tiles on the raised hearth.  Looks MUCH better.  Basically, the entire house has been re-done, with the exception of one small bedroom.  But that one bedroom really doesn't need anything.  Well, the ugly, outdated ceiling light has been replaced with a ceiling fan...not as decorative as the ones in the master bedroom, living and sunroom.  But still nice.

I really love the new fireplace tile and can't wait until it's finished...until the entire house is finished! :D  Everything looks SO different... and looks like it should be sitting on the beach somewhere.  I think nostalgia too me down that road.  Not sure.  But it all started with a small piece of beach glass. ;p  Go figure.

Anyway, the kitchen cabinets are done in the same blue as in the sunroom, and the same travertine tiles are now the backsplash (not subway).  It's coming together quite nicely.  And once everything is done... I can order my exercise bike.  Now THAT'S another talk show.  But basically.. I've always wanted a stationary bike, one of the really nice ones, and now... I can get one since I will have an extra room to put it in.

Well, I'm feeling rough so will sign off of this blog so I can post in the other "alter ego" blogs. Whew.  So hard to keep up these days.

Later, taters!

PART 2: Is knowing really better? GI appointment, and all things considering.

If you've not read part 1 this may be a little confusing...

So..why the two-part post?  Well, mostly to spare you guys a bit of frustration and make this whole thing easier to read.  They're going to be long, so why not break it up by focus?  Same subject, different focus.  Because... I love you guys. ;)

Assuming you've read part 1, you know where I'm coming from and how spooky all of this is.  Some health issues are scary to some but not to others, and of all the possibilities discussed with my GI dr. yesterday, Myositis/Polymyositis is one of the most frightening to me.  I'm leveling that fear, but it's not easy.  I've just not been this spooked till now.  And it's f*cking difficult, I'll tell you.

Everyone knows that we can all be our own worst enemy.  But sometimes, even when we behave like we are our own best friend... there are forces, usually people, who make it nearly impossible, who make the fight to maintain a positive attitude and outlook..a fight.  It doesn't have to be this way.  So WTF would anyone choose to make another's life more difficult than it already is.  And yes, I'm referring to those who do it WILLINGLY and with their eyes wide open.  Sometimes people can just not know what they're doing, and I can forgive that easily.  But when they KNOW, when you've shown them, told them, explained to them WHY this is the case..and they deny and continue their behavior...  I begin to withdraw in a huge way.  Self-protection, plain and simple.

I'm in that mode right now.

I'm far from perfect.  I make mistakes like anyone, and sometimes they're real doozies.  I'm human, and it's going to happen from time to time.  But I'm at least making myself aware of my behaviors.  Not so much with my other half.

I guess like anyone I've allowed myself to overlook and forgive, make excuses for and sometimes ignore the obvious in front of me when it comes to T.  A bad habit of mine, I'm afraid, but one I'm quickening overcoming.  I've actually reached a point now where I simply cannot allow it to happen to me anymore.  It's destructive to my health, my happiness, my state of mind, my spirit.  He's not a horrible person.  He's a person who can't for the life of him see much outside of his own personal space.

That's not a good thing.  He's controlling in many ways, big ways, and we've discussed this (and much more) ad nauseum.  It's done nothing to change anything.

Indifference while professing love.  Apologizing while continuing damaging behavior.  A lack of empathy and compassion.  So much more.  I can't keep going along with this.  And after my GI appt yesterday I'm even more convinced that I have to start putting my foot down about my health, my life, my needs, my...everything.  It's up to me.  No matter what.  It's up to me.

IF the diagnosis ends up being what my dr is stating he's sure of (but needs ultimate confirmation from further testing)... things could be very bad for me.  Myositis/Polymyositis is serious, scary, and can significantly diminish a person's quality of life.  Damage to muscle can be irreversible if not addressed early, and we've no idea how long I've been dealing with this.  Judging by symptoms I've had for some time now... well, let's not put the cart before the horse here.  Thing is, I need a positive, uplifting, supportive environment.  And that simply doesn't exist for me right now.  Not for a lack of trying, but for having to do damage control each and every day due to someone else's carelessness, indifference, and even out-right damaging behavior.

The climate of my life needs to change.  I need to protect myself better than I have, despite what anyone else thinks.  So much damage being done.

I'm distancing myself from T for good reason, most of my reasons are stated above, but it goes much deeper than that.  MUCH.  HE doesn't see the problem.  HE is scared to death I will leave...and he should be.  But he's killed so much of this relationship, and what's damaged will never be repaired in my eyes.   Some things are like that proverbial bell that can't be un-rung.  Period.

This isn't a case of unforgiveness or being unreasonable or unkind.  Too much time has passed with my trying to reason, etc. and I'm just done.  If he doesn't get it by now.. he won't.  And I can't allow any further damage to my health, my energy, my state of mind.

IF my doctor is right...stress, anxiety, lack of sleep due to stress and anxiety is only going to make things significantly worse.

Right now I don't have a soul to talk to about this, and that's not easy.  People who don't know me well who say "You can always talk to me" or "If you need anyone to talk to..." are really just nosy more than anything.  Self-protection stops me from discussing matters of real importance with people who are only curious.  I'd rather express it all here online to the entire world than to have a somewhat intimate conversation and divulge my feelings and what I'm going through with someone who is most likely, again, just curious.

Recent gravitation towards a not-so-pretty diagnosis with my health changes everything... absolutely everything.

...just no idea who to talk to about any of this.

PART 1: Is knowing really better? GI appointment, and all things considering.

I've decided to start here, rather than the usual pouring-forth on All Things Ephemeral (alter ego).  Doesn't matter why--just something I decided to do.  Maybe it's just the one tiny thing that makes me feel as if I have some control over things.  Probably deluding myself, to tell you the truth.

This is just part 1 of 2 with regards to yesterday, as there are two distinct components here that I REALLY need to talk about.  I figure I'd do you guys a service and break the topic up so the read isn't as overwhelming, and so it will also be easier to keep up with in case you don't want to read it all at once.

So, I finally saw the GI/liver specialist yesterday.  The visit went very well in all ways.  I've NEVER seen a doctor who genuinely showed compassion for his patients!  I was blown away..almost in tears.  Seriously, this is a rarity.  He's young, and he earned his IM degree at Johns Hopkins, then went on to California for DO school.  He holds several scholarships/honors awards and is published.

He introduced himself when he walked in, and asked 'how are you today," but not in a casual "hey how are ya?!" way, but in a genuine.. wanting-to-know-how-you-actually-feel way.  I was a little caught off guard. So he concluded his introduction with telling me his background (briefly and without wasting time), and then added... "So my new patients ask why I'm here [in AL]."  He explained that after earning his degrees he wanted to come back to AL and be near his family (Birmingham), which is about an hour and a half away from Montgomery.  How selfless!  I mean, this guy could have his pick of places to work, including Johns Hopkins, but he chose home, his family.  GREAT fortune for our area to have this guy!

I handed him my last lab report, which is FAR larger than most college research papers, and he began going through them asking me about my symptoms, etc.  He left NO stone unturned.  As he looked at my liver enzymes (ALT, AST, etc, etc.) he remarked on how significantly elevated they are, focusing immediately on my Aldolase.  He looked at all the other labs and remarked on many things, actually putting it all together in a way that no other doctor I've showed these labs to even came close to doing.  Impressed yet again... I continued to listen.

He stated, with nearly 100% absolute certainty, that one of the things I'm dealing with is myositis (sometimes called polymyositis).  But he kept going...  and here's basically where I'm at with all of this:

Doctor suspects...

Autoimmune hepatitis.
Myositis/polymyositis.
Duodenal ulcer.

My ferritin is low (he said significantly low), and added that the usual effect liver issues, etc. has on ferritin levels is that it goes UP, not down.  The fact that my ferritin is depleted makes him suspect bleeding (ulcer).  That coupled with symptoms is pointing to that.

My autoimmune markers for autoimmune hepatitis were negative, but my Dr. just shrugged and said that a good deal of people who have AI hepatitis have false-negative labs.  He then mentioned I will likely need a liver biopsy.

Myositis--he ordered another lab that wasn't previously done, one specifically for myositis.

Procedures/tests scheduled and yet to be scheduled:

EGD (endoscopy).
Colonoscopy (procedural, even though I had one last year).
The top two tests/procedures will be done in 4 weeks.

Liver Biopsy - to be scheduled.

These are suspicions, really, until proven either by conclusive test results OR process of elimination.  Either way, my Dr. is awesome, and he doesn't give up easily.

In the meantime he is addressing the vitamin D deficiency, which he professed his shock that I wasn't already being treated for that (seen two other Dr's who knew about this but didn't address it).  I take one dose of Rx vitamin D once a week for 16 weeks, at which he tells me my Vitamin D should be replenished.  I've also been given an additional medication for stomach issues (ulcer?).

The backdrop to the above is a big complication--that of relationship, happiness..or lack thereof, and a simple matter of needing peace, serenity, and place where I can heal...

THAT is another talk show. And THAT is part 2....

So what does that mean, "Adult content" anyway? And does it apply to me? Pppffftththht. Hardly.

I've no idea.  And how far does one dig into their own personal thoughts and share openly here before the powers that be decide it's 'adult content'?   At first I thought it could be almost anything that you could say or allude to that even remotely hints at anything sexual.  But, that's a pretty big umbrella if you ask me.  And if I were to share ANY of my thoughts, fantasies (within somewhat restricted moral boundaries), or even dreams I may have had the night before, am I then breaking some online moral blogger law?

Settings to 'yes' or settings to 'no'... and who gives a fluck anyway?  I'm not running a peep show here, so no breaking any weird rules there.  So what then... do I have to speak in code?  No change there since I tend to do that anyway.

All I know is that I'm having a weird day, and I guess this whole 'adult content' issue here is just something my mind decided to grab onto in order to avoid the 'I'm feeling weird today' issue altogether.  Now that I've gotten that out of the way....

There IS something bothering me today, something sitting right there at the forefront where it's bugging the crap out of me.  I mean.. really?  But, it is.  And.. it's been an annoyance for a while now.  Not every day, mind you, but there just the same.  While I'm not ready to just blurt it all out, let it just suffice it to say that it is deeply imbedded in one of my biggest pet peeves.  Let's just say that I DO NOT like groups of people who form a click and keep opportunity out of reach of others.  I hate that. And no, this isn't about political events or political leaders or anything to do with the USA or anything of the sort.  This is on a much smaller scale.  And while it deals with adults, it's more along the lines of adults behaving as children, much like I recall in Jr. High school or even high school.

I just don't understand the mentality of the workings for adults who do things such as this, except for the obvious fact that this behavior makes them feel special, different, because they are on the 'in' and others aren't allowed 'in' unless they're already... 'in.'  It's a power thing, and it's just wrong on so many levels.  It would be nice to just look away and pretend I don't SEE it happening.  But I DO see it happening, and.. I'm disgusted by it.  Kind of hard not to be.

So then what do I do with this?  It's really irritating me to no end.  It's both none of my business AND also my business because I could very well be a part of this thing and yet... I am SO disgusted by how it's done and run that I am loathe to be.  I mean, do I want to be a part of something that is run this way and handled in such a way that its very foundation is based on exclusion?  No.

So yes.  This is a weird day indeed.

Still here. Sort of. Feeling adventurously unhinged.

It will take me a few to catch up...  Really not the easiest time for me to talk about everything right now.  Lots going on in life and inside my head.

Not entirely sure where I'm focusing my energies, and that can make it a little confusing here if I talk about it too much.  Or at all....

But when I do... there will plenty to say....

Hang in there.

I am.

Trying.

Sort of.

And damn these dreams.  Wicked cool.  And interesting.  Makes me feel adventurous...and maybe not in the most conservative way.

The feel of the engine, or the sound of whistle in the distance?...

I feel this need to get away, to escape, to experience something totally..."not here."  I need to just "be," and I need to do it soon.  It's critical, and I know it with all that I am.  The one thing I don't know at the moment for certain is exactly how to go about this.  Desperate times call for desperate measures, but.. what does that mean for me right now?

Close calls being what they are, and often lived through someone else (in this case a love one), I was abruptly reminded this past weekend how brief and utterly fragile this life is.  God but how we waste so much time on meaningless BS, while all the beauty and wonder of glorious living either rushes by us like a train... or ticks by like the languid and misunderstood hands of a clock.  Both deliver the exact same message at the exact same speed, yet... it looks so deceptively different.  How is it that we miss this oh-so-important information when we need it the most?  Easy...we're forever immersed in the minutia of the moment, in the meaningless hum and buzz of the machines that drive us throughout our day, our lives, the very machine that carries us to our graves as we watch through tiny, fogged windows of indifference.  IF...we aren't careful.

Pull the cord and get the hell off that train, dammit!

So much harder to do than it sounds.  Well, there is the alternative.  F*cking JUMP!  Hey, you may end up a bit bruised and bewildered, but at least you're not speeding towards that end nearly as quickly as you were.  Right?

Yeah, there are a number of the ways to travel in this life.  Read a book near the center isle.  Grab that window seat and watch as life passes by in a blur.  Sleep (ha! Like none of us hasn't ever tried that one).  Try to start up a conversation with others doing the same (not usually a stimulating conversation, sorry to say).  Or..do like so many and simply stare straight ahead hoping there is some destination other than the inevitable...and wait..wait..wait for the train to stop and deliver you.

I'm not sure about jumping, but pulling the cord...?  I can feel it right there...just right there...at my fingertips.

What do I do now?

Well, tomorrow is it....

The house closing is tomorrow and...I'm super excited to be moving out of the city.  It's busy here, and I guess I've grown far to used to the serenity of the neighborhood I lived in while in Mobile, AL. I miss that neighborhood so much, having lived there about 10 years.  Hopefully this little private drive will be just as peaceful.  No through traffic, one way in/out... and not that many houses.  And, the house sits on a bluff.  No, I'm not bluffing.

In the summertime it's covered in kudzu... something that I believe is taking over the south (lol), and in the Winter... it withers and opens up the view even more.  Basically, the landscaped backyard comes to a halt at one point, and needless to say.. it's not a place you want to wander out drunk, especially in the dark! lol  I wouldn't advise wandering out there in the dark sober either. haha  That's one SERIOUS drop, folks! ;p

The deck will be refinished over the next few weeks, as the paint and a few other things get done.  But I honestly can't wait to get hold of that sunroom!!!!  That will be a topic for another day.

This is one of the back corners of the 'back yard' as far as one can take a photo without falling off into that abyss. lol (again, just a photo from the listing). going to be my oasis, my place where all the decompression happens.

And I love the way the deck wraps around the sunroom so that there's a little deck on one side, and a larger deck on the other side (showing in the photo to the left.

I'm loving this already. :)

Last but not least... the bedroom set for the master bedroom was ordered this past weekend. :D  Headboard/footboard, dresser w/mirror, 2 nightstands, and 2 lamps you see in the photo.  Already have the contractor trying to match the paint on the walls in the photo, and I've been looking for the 'natural' look curtains....  yeah, I'm somewhat trying to recreate this room.  Almost.  Almost. :)

And my bedroom set, also pretty but in dark wood.. will go in one of the other two bedrooms. Most likely the one that will be my workspace/office/art/photography room.  We have to have places for family to sleep when they come to visit, so now we will have beds in all 3 rooms.  Yay!

What's not showing here is the view from the breakfast nook (from the back of the house), and the master bedroom.. also at the back of the house.  Unbeatable.  As they say... location, location, location!  There were other houses.. often placed in crowded neighborhoods or on barren, stripped lots.  Oh they were GORGEOUS inside with new everything, etc...  but when you walk outside... barren suburbia.

My thinking on things like this is simple---there are things you can change, and things you can't change.  You can make your house look like a palace, but if you build it in the middle of a landfill... it doesn't much matter if it's a palace.

No matter what house was seen, walked through, oooohed and awed at... it always came back to this one house.  It was difficult to forget the view, the privacy, the way the front yard was outlined in trees all the way to the driveway so that it is literally secluded.

Well, it's difficult to put into words, and most houses aren't at their best in the Winter with all the trees stripped of leaves, the shrubs appearing like nothing more but twigs and woody bones, the grass a pallid yellow.  I guess you just have to see its potential through something other than just your eyes.  And of course, photos from another season certainly helps. ;)

Low-carb weirdness, or is my subconscious mindf*cking me?

Day 3 on Atkins and am having a little of the carb withdrawal.  Could be worse, but thankfully I'm not withdrawing from grains/wheat, processed food, caffein, sugar, etc.  Still, I know this feeling well and it should pass.  Still, WTF is going on with all this other bizzwax?

That low-carb lull isn't surprising, but this craziness with my dreams at night are really getting on my nerves now.  It's not like I haven't brought this up before, and I'm not sure I want to go into the details about who and what is in my dreams or why.  Hell, some of it is hella fun!  Like the drag racing in last night's dream!  THAT was awesome! lol  But, this common theme is really unsettling, to say the least.  Some of it I get.  I really, really get.  And I know my subconscious is telling me to get a freaking life.  No, not telling me, but demanding I get a freaking life.  It's beyond obvious.

I am out-of-my-mind restless now.  Something's going to give.  Correction, something IS giving.  Question is, WTH am I going to do about it?

Simple answer... get a freaking life!

Oh if I only had the cojones to just spell it out here in great bloody detail.  But I don't.  Not right now.  Not even sure I get what it's all about or what I'm going to do about it, to tell you the truth.  But those damn dreams....

Why do I have the dreams I have?  Why are the people in them IN them?  I don't understand.  I wake up and can't make any sense of it all, and yes... the dreams are profound enough that they do follow me about the rest of the day.  And there are times the dreams haunt me for a few days.  Maybe it's because I don't get why some people are in them and why some are not, or why things happen in them or why I don't understand MY role in them.

Blah.  Blah.  Blah.

I could talk to a girlfriend about this, but it's just not that easy, especially when everyone is out of state or hours away.  A phone call often just doesn't cut it.  And when you hang up the phone...you still feel isolated.  Neighbors here are either WAY too old or WAY too young, and the one or two my age I've met just want to get drunk or party etc.  Not my thing.  And I've not gotten out much recently because of the health issues.  So that's changing, but it's taking time to undo the damage from the medications.  One step at a time.

But those dang dreams.  And this dang feeling of needing a road trip.  Not just a road trip but one just for me, to reset everything and find my muse again.  Me, my car, my camera, good tunes, a destination...

Life.

OH. MY. GOURD!! It cost HOW much??!!

Day 17 and it's the end.  Yes, the end.  But not completely the end.  But don't break out the tissues and start playing Taps just yet!  Let me explain what made me decide to change up the fabric of what I'm doing...

No worries about juicing itself, because everything was fine.  It's a great experience that I am continuing, but not 100% as a juice fast!  And there's a damn good reason for this choice.

Cost.  Plain and simple.

At the beginning of this journey the cost was estimated to be somewhere around $120/week, roughly.  In that estimate certain factors were considered such as what was in season, not in season, local purchases (which would make things less expensive), and buying organic (which means more expensive).  All T's were crossed and all I's were dotted.  But what we didn't consider were shortages, and for any such shortages to include one of the main staples of juicing---kale.

Well damn!

While doing a bit of research yesterday I discovered a few threads on folks who had given up their juice fasts due to cost.  And I found as many discussions on those who chose to suck it up and continue despite the cost.  While this whole cost thing concerned me I wasn't all THAT worried.  But then, T insisted on doing the shopping since he wanted to use his credit card that gave this awesome cash back incentive for shopping at grocery stores.  Okay.  I'm down with that.  And what this translates to is this....

I had NO idea what juicing was costing us until last night!

OH.  MY.  GOURD!

So, how bad could it be, you ask?  $180.00 to $200.00 per week!  YES!!  I know!!!  OMG!

I asked, "WHY didn't you tell me it was costing this much??!!!"  And T's reply was... "I didn't want you to worry, and I knew it was helping you."  *sigh*  Super sweet, yes?  Of course it is.  Still, we have a lot going on and really, a Reboot doesn't HAVE to last 30 days to receive great benefit from all the micronutrients you take in!

I said... "It's time to Transition out."  And so last night I had lentil & veggie soup (vegan, gluten free, organic), and began my transition back into solid foods, and I feel great about my decision.  :)

I had 17 awesome days where my body was flooded with pure, fresh vegetable and fruit juice, free from packaged food, fried food, sugar, gluten, and any other form of garbage that most of us humans put into our systems on a regular basis.

I sleep better than I have since I don't know when, my hair is growing faster, my nails as well, and my skin looks great!  And... I don't crave junk food or sweets!  And trust me, I used to LOOOOOVE sweets.  Not that I wouldn't eat desserts, mind you.  They're just not a temptation anymore.  Also, the allergies that have plagued me over the past two years are GONE!!!  I couldn't breathe before this cleanse, and now I can breathe normally!

And it took only 17 days.  Actually, it took less than that, but I continued my cleanse for 17 days.

What's next?  My next goal is to go vegetarian/vegan.  I didn't grow up this way, and I didn't have this environment ever in my life.  So it's not going to be a "cold turkey" situation (no pun intended).  At least I don't think so.  I still have weight to lose as the prednisone monster and subsequent effects will take some time to correct, but it's okay.  I've come this far and have lost 17 lbs during my Reboot.  :)  I'm good.

So this is really where the fun actually starts!  Phase two is where the works begins, and "the work" IS the fun part, because the journey is going to be fun...  because nothing's really changes, has it?  I mean, all we really want is to look good naked, so... having said that... let's get to work!

W. E. I. R. D. as K. C. U. F.

Day 17 and I'm past the half-way point in this juicing journey and counting down to Transitioning-IN.  And I'm feeling weird and having weird dreams and having weird needs and it's just FREAKING WEIRD.  Not bad.  Weird.

There's a difference.  I say that a lot lately.

Maybe I'm just rediscovering a few things I've lost along the way and have NO freaking idea what to do with these "things," whatever they are.  Or maybe I've just lost my damn mind.  *snort*  Now that I can actually deal with.  But there are the dreams and the strangeness with that, and the odd way I can't really wrap my head around how I FEEL about anything anymore.  I mean, WTF is up with THAT???

Now that I'm not wandering around in a gluten and sugar-induced fog I seem to be a bit overcome and overwhelmed by all of this.  Damn, what do I do with it all?

I've discovered an intense need to see something else, somewhere else.  I need stimulation of the 6 senses, all freaking six of them!  Could it be that I'm having my own personal 'Eat, Pray, Love' moment?  Though I don't have any intentions on visiting other countries to find love and get fat! lol  On the contrary!  But, I do so very much need to just get the hell out of Dodge and DRIVE.

To see, to drive, to smell, to taste, to FEEL ALIVE!!

It's a moral imperative.

So the question is now... where do I go?  And do I go alone, or if not, who do I go with?

Because it's fun, that's why

Every now and then I love to share the music that stirs my spirit... often times this means what I play when I'm at home, what I hear when I plug in the headphones when I can't sleep at night, and in this case... what is a must when I'm driving!  ;p