Almost Alive

Adrift.  That's what it feels like right now.  Physically there are limitations to what I can accomplish in any given time slot.  I've made my peace with that, because without facing even unpleasant realities I'm going to constantly be smacked by them when I'm not paying attention.  At least being aware and acknowledging what I'm dealing with gives me the power to work around the obstacles.  It's either that or roll over and play dead; I'm simply not going to do that.  Not now.  Not ever.

My goals today, to the average person, would look incredibly lame.  But unless you know what it feels like, to need a nap after showering, then you probably don't understand that MY goals most likely don't look like yours; not even close.  But then, maybe some of you understand this on some level.

Anxiety and stress while taking this drug I'm on means feeling even worse in the aftermath.  With prednisone on board my adrenals have, or is in the process, of shutting down a bit, almost completely.  It's the nature of the beast for this to happen.  So in times of stress and anxiety the adrenals kick in and release cortisol, the anti-stress hormone.  Except in my case, because trying to maintain balance my adrenals won't be chiming in to save the day, leaving me basically with little to fight back with.  This causes some serious issues, both physical and emotional.

My body doesn't react to stress now the way it used to.  The response that normally comes forth is no longer there, no longer helping me to deal with stressors, especially the bigger ones.  Little things are now big things, and being unable to physically handle things that need handling causes even further stress.  I can't light enough fires under T to get anything done, and my body is my worst enemy right now for getting things done.  Oh... but I do try anyway, and boy oh boy is there ever a price to pay when I do.

I need peace, tranquility, a chance to decompress completely.  None of this half-ass breaking down mid-day business, but actually being able to decompress and relax every muscle in my body, quiet the inner dialogue, and still the tension I feel all over.  I need this to be a conscious choice and not a random occurrence that happens just because the timing is right.

I need a vacation, and yet I'm too tired to consider the possibility.  How does that even happen?... too tired to take a vacation.  I so need to get away, though.  Still, I also know that it will be far more enjoyable if I were well.  See, I'm not even sure that last statement makes any sense...

So I remain in a physical and emotional limbo, not quite alive, not actually dead.  Geez.