Fact after the fact.

Had an appointment with the Dentist re my "mild" sleep apnea.  This diagnosis, btw, was really surprising to me, because I knew I wasn't sleeping well but thought it was because I was waking up so much during the night.  Pain, etc., all played a roll in my tossing and turning at night, fighting will a stubborn pillow which refused to submit to my will, and wresting with a blanket that I once viewed as the softest, most comfy-cozy piece of fabric on earth.  I mean, microfiber is the shit, is it not?  Yet, it never occurred to me that I could have sleep apnea.  Who knew?

This diagnosis, as you guys may know from past entries here, and on my other blogs, happened a few months back, even prior to the AIH diagnosis.  However, the dentist I see who makes the oral device (CPAP is out of the question) revealed my "score" as "11."  I had no idea I even had a score, much less what that number was.  I really need a new pulmonologist.  Sheesh.

So the dentist held up my chart with "11" written with a black Sharpie and explained what was what, again, and what I should look for in changes as the device is adjusted over the next couple of weeks.  I asked him, as T did (he was there) what the number meant, and this is what he told me....

"That number is the score they gave you based on how many times you stop breathing while sleeping."

Well.  Alrighty then.

So as he further explained, it's a score based on how many times a person stops breathing during the night divided by how many hours they slept.  The score means that, on average, I stop breathing 11 times per hour.

I sat there for a moment considering this information, and I wasn't sure how to react really because it was the first time I learned of this.  No one at the sleep study center told me, and my pulmonologist didn't bother telling me at all either.  It took a minute to digest.

So I guess there's a damn good reason I'm tired all of the time--in addition to all the pain and weakness.  But wow.  11 times an hour--and that's in the MILD sleep apnea range.  Crazy.

Over time it will be interesting to see how I feel as the device is adjusted forward.  This device, btw, moves the lower jaw forward a little to open up the airway and move the tongue forward--this is based on CPR maneuvers.  Pretty cool.  But it takes a little time because if the jaw is moved forward too quickly it can cause TMJ.  I already have issues with this due to grinding my teeth when I sleep, something the dentist has told me is solely due to stress.  In fact, when I asked him what the 'cure' is, he replied... "Not being stressed."

Well, I'm shit out of luck in that department.  Oh well.  So anyway, the adjustments for me have to be done a LOT slower due to this.

On another subject, I will have a new cardiologist soon.  My first appt will be in May.

Now that I've made my arms ache typing... I'll wrap this up.  There's more to say but I'll give myself a little time in that respect...

A life comprised of seconds on the face of a clock...

I feel time now.  I feel it when it's restless, frantic, soulful, and even when it slows down.  In some ways I think it slows hoping I'll catch up.  I don't think we speak the same language.  The numbers are carved away by wasted effort and endeavors destined to end up in a meaningless heap of shattered dreams, broken promises, and those experiences which bind them in quiet unity.

The days remain long, yet are over before I can catch my breath.  I no longer care why this is, or why it never seems to change.  My effort to reinsert myself into life again--actual life--fall short.  I don't care about the answers or explanations anymore.  Why on earth would I care when answers seem to only end up echoes that pass through the invisible bars of this prison-like existence?  Doesn't mean anything.  Not really.

I don't like feeling time.  I just don't.

Sleep, oh those little slices of death...

....how I NEED them!  Well, sometimes.  This elusive and popular activity, sleep, keeps me at arm's length whenever I try to embrace it.  It's taken a few appointments with doctors, and an orthodontist, to finally get to the bottom of the HEALTH-side of this issue.  As for the other side, the emotional one, well... that may be more complex of a process.  In fact, there's no "may" about it.

I'm sitting here at my laptop wondering...why I'm sitting here at my laptop.  This is how sleep deprivation gets you.  As the world becomes more surreal, the intuitive side and the creative side begin to meld together, thus creating a loss of place.  Do you understand that phrase when I say it?  If you do, you've been here in this garden in forever dusk.  If not, I'm not entirely sure I could explain it to you where you'd actually understand.  Just know that it's a lot like being in a dream while awake..and leave it at that.

This sleepless state changes my perception of just about everything, and in turn my attitude towards just about everything also changes.  Emotional.  There's just no two ways about it.  But this emotion is both limiting and freeing, as the daily filters which keep our tongues in-check fall away.  And yes, those filters are quite necessary in everyday, polite living among society.  I don't worry about it overly  much, because the more tired I become the funnier the world gets.  And also more irritating.  I don't think you can have one without the other in this respect.

Last night as I waited for sleep to rescue me, I realized this love/hate relationship I have with sleep depends on my level or worry, anxiety, loneliness, or the need to BE alone for a bit.  I'm sure this is true for everyone, but I cannot tell you how impossible the act of falling asleep becomes when you, on some level, despise it!  I'm working on that, but there is also a great deal of 'dealing' I need to do in order to get there.  My quality of life is failing because of this unresolved nightmare.  No pun intended.

I have hope now that the health aspect of this insomnia and inability to remain asleep will be resolved.  I'm far too worn out to discuss it now, but I'm confident about this next step, next phase, next.. 'nothing new.'  Truly.  I've been here before.

You know what?  I just can't sit here anymore.  Yeah, it's THAT kind of day. lol