An Evolution of Life.

So here I am again, typing.  I made several attempts at creating audio files to avoid stressing my left arm, but I can't seem to find a way to upload them.  C'est la vie.  I wish I could've found a way to upload them for one very important reason----I spilled my guts, poured out my heart and am now a bit spent.  Where to go from here.... ?

It's been a rough couple of weeks with physical therapy and trying to avoid taking pain medication unless absolutely necessary.  I've had a bit of trouble with the new bed and will be exchanging it for a hybrid.  I prefer the hybrid (memory foam + springs) better anyway, but the Tempurpedic sales rep said the one I ended up with was better for me, based on what I told them.  Wrong.  lol  I do get that they tried, and I'm grateful for their help, but it turned out to be an epic fail.  They're policy is also... when you exchange it once.. you're stuck with it.  C'est la vie again.

Go with the flow, as they say.....

In the meantime I will deal with it as best I can.  Tomorrow my Lazy Boy recliner will be delivered and, if necessary, I will sleep in that.  Bed--recliner--whichever is more comfortable.  I have to say.. I'm excited about the recliner.  It's not cheap, but then a hand-made chair, leather and solid wood.... you get what you pay for.  Who wants to throw good money after bad anyway?

For the first time in weeks I'm listening to music.  Since the surgery I've been too painful to deal with any extraneous stimuli, including music (which I LOVE).  I've learned to take cues from my body and actually LISTEN to them.  And those are some hard-fought and won lessons, I have to say.  In the spirit of being far more kinder to myself my body dictates what I do and don't do; such is the healing process.

While it appears at times as if progress is being made with my shoulder healing, other aspects of my health continue to be a bit more stubborn (to say the least).  It is what it is, and I'm also trying to just do the best I can with that and not get down about it.  So NOT easy to do, trust me.  In the midst of attempting to make my health and life better I sometimes fail--but I keep trying.  In the deep of the night things are often breaching the perimeter of the impossible---pain, being worse at night, drags me right to the edge and invites me to give up altogether.  And I almost have.  But somehow I've managed to bring myself back again, to fall asleep out of (if nothing else) pure exhaustion.  There is success in those little battles, even if they're barely won.

My goal is to get healthy again, to have my shoulder heal, to tackle (finally) the fibromyalgia and break away from all the pain, to live, to live vitally and wholly, to be myself again... finally.

I want to find myself at home again, at peace again, to thrive and love my life again.

What I Want.

I guess I got most of the rant out of my system in my other blog, so I'm going to try and avoid going there again here.  I can't promise anything except that I'll try.  I've seldom allowed myself to talk about what I want, or what I need.  There are reasons for that, but they're not important at the moment.  Either way, maybe it's time....

Many times I lay in bed at night listening to music and remembering how I used to feel when I was healthy and mostly pain-free.  It's not an easy task, remembering when I didn't feel pain 24/7.  But it's necessary, even critical that I not lose that memory of feeling well, healthy, at ease, calm, and... good.  That's my task each night as I lay there in the darkness.  I don't mind revisiting, but it's getting more difficult as the pain gets in the way.  So what do I think about, dream about?  Well, it's not as important what I think or dream about but actually what I ABSOLUTELY NEED to thrive.  And on those I'm very clear.

I need peace:  Peace is easy, imho.  To me, peace is the result of respecting the environment around you and everything in it.  It's not complicated to understand that a person's environment deeply affects their lives---and the health of those who live in that environment.  Having a clean house is important to me.  NO, I'm not talking about a sterile environment where a few specks of dust sends me over the edge.  I have a dog and have had pets most of my life, so I can't afford to be picky given that.  Basset Hounds shed, at times drool, and... well, that's life with a dog. :)  I wouldn't change it for the world.  However, there are some things that should be done on a regular basis for me to be comfortable and happy in the confines of whatever space I'm living in.  Just one word: clean.  that word is easy to understand, and easy to accomplish.

So how is it that 'clean' translates to 'peaceful' to me?  Well, it just does.  I'm a clean person and find a clean environment very comfortable, very peaceful.  It's not the only thing that instills peace, but it's a damn good start.

Picking up after oneself.  If you make a mess, clean it up.  Don't create messes, especially necessary ones.  And don't rely on other people in the house to do it for you.  Easy.  I raised my kids and don't feel like cleaning up after an adult one, meaning... my other half.

I need more than tv to 'live' my life!  T wants to sit in front of a tv during every spare moment of his life.  As for me, I can't do that.  Sometimes, yes, of course.  But not every spare moment.

I need to EXPERIENCE LIFE!  Sitting at home every spare moment waiting for 'some day' to come along, or 'retirement' to usher in actual living isn't my thing.  It will never, ever be.  I'm very sick right now, more than I've let on here, but... even with that my entire spirit cries out for EXPERIENCE.  I want beauty in my life, to experience something else, anything else than the chronic dullery of the status quo.  I want to see places here in the US I've not seen, to be awed, inspired, and fulfilled.  I want to take my camera and capture every moment.  Drive just for the love of driving, and MOVE through life instead of watching stupid tv shows to see other people living through fiction.

I need to have fully-engaged conversations with other human beings!  T talks, and he's brilliant.  He has a 150 IQ, two masters degrees... but doesn't like to engage much in conversation.  I often just give up quite honestly.  There's a lot to talk about, be it life here at home or anything going on in the world, cars, photography, nature, and hundreds of other topics... even shows on tv we mutually like. But that fails miserably most of the time.

I need beauty, engaging conversation driven by passion for the subject, laughter, joy, hope, dreams, and just to be completely comfortable in my own skin again.  I need to eat clean, healthy... and not have to fight every single day to do so.  I need to have at my disposal the tools necessary to help myself.  Is that so much to ask?  I don't think so.

I need to feel passion for my life again.  I need to feel excited about my life again.  I want to feel actual health, vitality, energy, and LIFE coursing through my entire body again.  I want MY life back, rather than to be forced to live my life through that of another.

I.
Want.
MY.
Life.
Back.

I need healing.

Twilight--my favorite time of day.

It's a small part of the day and one you may miss if you blink.  Stay awake.  Just stay awake.

Almost the entirety of my escape processes include music, where the fabric of reality and the fantasy of reclaiming a life I once had clash in, sometimes, startling and colorful ways.  I don't delude myself into thinking that I don't know what really is or isn't; who cares?

Falling asleep listening to carefully constructed playlist is the only oasis I know.  While some songs grant me enough peace to fall asleep others wake me, and it's the message rushing to the forefront of those that bring me out of my slumber that are the most unsettling, the most telling.  I sometimes think of those moments as my subconscious crying out for help, that the sleeping soul and the wakeful spirit will be one again.

Creativity sleeps.  Dreams are too distant to remember.  Hope sits quietly beside me, distant and unmoved.  Memories are places my conscious mind tries to take up residence when I'm unable to sleep and surrender to what smothers my soul.  The abyss is real, and the truth looks down and recognizes its reflection in the darkness.  It's not as grim as it appears on the surface.

I no longer try to make my conscious and subconscious shake hands and call a truce.  The battle is a quiet one below the surface....

The Handshake.

A relationship is like a handshake.  One person extends their hand and the other extends theirs in acceptance.  This is the best case scenario, however, and relationships leave one person waving their hand in the air and feeling foolish.  At some point that dance just doesn't work anymore and we have to decide wether it's all worth it or not.  But how do we know WHEN it's time to place our hand back in our pocket and walk away?

There's no difference in friendships and we've all seen those fail miserably due to one-sided participation.  It's not usually an instant fail, btw, and we come to the conclusion to walk away after a lot of energy is spent trying to be the one acquiescing, initiating, or taking the blame for the short-comings within the relationship machine.

So if we know how it works in friendships, why do we take so damn long with romantic relationships?  I think part of it is that there's a much larger prize at stake when it comes to that kind of connection that leaves you ultimately vulnerable and exposed.  That other person, unlike a friend (usually) has seen you literally at your worst, your best, naked, knows most if not all of your secrets, and the love and affection that ties it all together is not that easy to break.  In most cases.  Either way, there's just a lot at stake when talking romantic relationships vs friendships.

Friendships do last longer.  And if you think about it, it's most likely because you're not living with that person or trying to divvy up responsibilities, not relying on that person when it comes to the hard times.  I mean, yes, there is some of that, but again.... you just can't compare the two.  There is an exception, however, to this rule, and that is that we actually can apply what we are willing to put up with when it comes to carrying the load of that relationship.

I don't care about the numbers, myself.  Wether you call it 50/50 or 100/100 it still requires both sides to assess what's what and decide a compromise when one side is no longer able to carry the larger portion of the load.

My point here is this: At some point we have to acknowledge when something is harming us, wether it's physical or emotional harm, be it stress or overt abuse, we absolutely HAVE to make a decision at some point while we still have enough of ourselves left, before any real long-term damage is done.

Every day I'm reminded of how much I have to carry, what I'm left to be responsible for, and just how little energy and strength I have to take that on.  Physically I grow weaker each day.  My specialist has upped the Azathioprine about as high as I can take it, and I'm waiting to see if/when this begins to pivot the illness and begin to heal what's wrong.  In the meantime I'm extremely weak, often sick (nausea, etc.), and I have to lay down in bed several times a day now.  This means little gets done because I'm not able to do it myself.  Simple things, really.  Chores that I could handle easily back when I was healthy, living alone and with many more time-consuming responsibilities.  The difference between he and I is that I did what needed to be done and was glad to do it.  I can't live in a dirty or nasty environment so fight my way through the day trying to do what little I can.

I'm so so so done with this.

And since the communication is one-sided (out of his laziness. No joke there.) I'm beyond exhausted. I'm back to my focus being on ONE thing and ONE thing only--getting well.  I will be well enough to take my life back when the time comes and he's going to find himself in the dust when it happens.  It's his own doing, and he's not going to be happy about it when it happens, I promise.  He's been warned of this, and he's coasting along like he can't see it happening already.  But it is, happening already....

Where do they dream?

I guess in a too-short life dreams become more of a necessity than an option.  Guarantees of tomorrow, or even an hour from now, simply don't exist.  NO ONE has been given a guarantee that they won't wink out in the next instant.  Kind of a 'duh' statement, isn't it?  I mean, we know this, but yet... we don't know this.  With every decision we make we prove to the world at large how we still feel immortal, and yet it's a whole lot like walking the edge of the cliff.. at night.. with sunglasses on. Which little misstep or prophecy of nature will send us over the edge when we least expect it?

Yes.  It's lunacy to focus on mortality.  But it's genius to be aware and not take things for granted.  What's YOUR life IQ?

If I had a dollar for every time I heard someone say 'Don't take life for granted,' I'd be a very wealthy woman right now.  Saying it is easy.  Putting it into practice is an entirely different thing.  So how do I put it in practice?  Crazy as it sounds, I don't hoard life.  THAT'S how I put it into practice.

Hoarding life.  How does one actually do this?  Well, while it's wise to save for the future, plan for the future and all it could hold, we have to remember that the key here is the word "Could."  Again, no guarantee means we also have to live NOW, not to take experiences or people for granted.  Live NOW....

Take that long-put-off vacation.
ACT on the things you wanted to get done and haven't.
STOP procrastinating on the important stuff.
RECOGNIZE the importance of being in the moment every single day without fail.
Buy that album.
Go to that concert.
Have that special meal.
Eat a dessert once in a while.
Savor the moments you love.
LOVE.
RESPECT.
APPRECIATE.
And for God's sake LET GO of the people and things in your life that cause chronic anxiety, unhappiness, and feelings of depression.

That is so not the full list.  But it's the basic idea behind everything, really.

In a world based on uncertainty I hear people talk about what they're going to do when they retire.  And I have to wonder.. did YOU get a memo saying you'll actually reach retirement age?  Nooooo.. I'm not saying blow your life savings, because that would be utterly stupid.  But what I'm saying is.. do those things, as many as you can NOW, because even if you reach retirement age you may not be healthy enough to do those things.

This is what I want.  I want to live now, not later.  One thing finding out I have a chronic, life-long, incurable illness is this: If I don't follow my dreams and indulge my heart now.. I may not get a chance later.

Well then... I've had a lot of coffee this morning, haven't I?

The Love/Hate Relationship with Prednisone

Look, without a sense of humor, a life-long/chronic illness can steal your joy. ;)

Christmas is done, and the move into the new house is 99.99% complete.  Just a few items remaining at the old house at the moment, mostly due to the need to make room here so one doesn't feel hemmed-in.  While the move itself wasn't 'that' bad, it became a little easier when I began the first week of Prednisone--a drug I'd had to use in the past for something else and learned to both loathe and love equally.  This particular drug honestly needs to be held in reserve for the most extreme of circumstances.  The side effects of using and withdrawal are usually brutal.

How quickly those first couple of days became something to remember-but in a very good way.  My energy changed within 2 days, and nearly all of my symptoms ceased.  But the timing of this drug is tricky as one begins on high doses, then tapering to lower until remission (in my case) is obtained and held.  For the record, remission can take from 12 months to 2 years, depending on many factors.

So there I was in absolute heaven, though not feeling 100% it was SO drastically different (how I felt) that it instilled such hope and anticipation as to how much better I just knew I'd feel by the time this month of high-to-low dosing would take me.  Well, things changed quickly just a few days ago as I tapered down that first 10mg.  Dammit.

40 to 30, 30 to 20, 20-10, then 5mg for another month before the follow-up appointment.  That is, until within about 2 days of that 10mg taper I can crashing down HARD.  Phone call to the doctor and he moved my followup appointment from March 28th to January 25th, and he said to go back up to 35mg/day for a couple of days then to the 30mg.  So far, it's not taken much of the edge off the symptoms.  Ugh.

Sitting, standing, laying down, you name it... all very difficult yesterday and today.  And I've had some things to deal with on the computer most of the day so have been sitting upright for a few hours at a time.  And BOY does my upper right abdomen hurt.. all the way through to the back.  I'm really hating this at the moment.

That's where things are basically.  Wish I had more energy and stamina, was in less pain... so I could talk about all the other stuff.  But I have to listen to my body and go with what I know.  It's rather time to chill for a bit, regardless.

More to come...

More to catch up on...

Damn, crazy life...

Spilling Over

I guess I should remind some of you who may not know, that if something is bothering me particularly.. I will most likely post it in all of my blogs.  The spillover from one to the next is just something that's going to happen.  Most of the time I aim to separate what I'm talking about between each one so that the meaning isn't really lost in context.  Make sense?

My blogs overlap, though they're meant to be focused in one aspect of my life or another...

Boo's Juicy Bits:  The main aim here is health, diet, eating, all the things that support and give us a foundation for a good (or bad) life.  There's so much to this part of health, so there will be at times an overlap as to what's going on the pages.  If life is getting in the way, or helping me on my way, the details will most likely end up there as well.  And don't be surprised if you find sexually-focused chatter on there as well.   The information is all connected in one form or fashion anyway.

Where Fireflies Dream:  Created as a place for whimsical thought and ideas to play, an expression of who I am, how I dream, what I want, and the things that can or do hold me back from my greatest expression of self within my life as it is at any given point.  Again, be aware that at times topics of a sexual nature will most likely appear in posts.  Don't say I didn't warn you. ;)

This Free Spirit:  The newest blog and one I feel is necessary, even critical for me.  It's a place to talk about abuse.  Been there, done that, and still haven't gotten 100% past the damage, to say the least.  My goal with this is sharing in hopes it will help others, but also to have a place to talk/deal with the lasting effects of my experiences.  This one will often have chatter of a sexual nature as well.

All Things Ephemeral:  Originally, this one was created to let it all hang out, a no holds barred kind of place to talk about EVERYTHING in great, bloody detail.  The nature of doing this means that, in the past, I would often delete posts after a day or two, a week, a month, whatever... because it was a bit much to leave just sitting there for the whole world to see.  However, this is changing.

I will be taking that no holds barred approach with posting there soon, as it's one of the greatest barriers I need to cross in order to heal.  Like Pavlov's Dogs I learned through experience that expressing myself openly meant I would pay a price, a high one at that.  But since this is no longer the case I plan on resuming, for personal growth and healing, my once bold approach to using this blog exactly as I intended---a place for me to be free to express myself in any way I see fit!

Onward...!

What's left

I have to admit that beginning another blog that focuses on emotional abuse, etc., has been good for getting things out that have needed letting out for some time now.  And even if I can't help myself through this, then maybe I can help others.  There will be entries of what I've been through, how I felt about it, their effects on me then and now, and much about moving on, recognizing where I've been and how it's changed who I am--for better or worse, and how my world is post-nightmare.  Either way, it's all good considering.  Considering...

I have so far to go even still.  In the aftermath there remains no closure.  I will find peace with it all eventually.

Today I'm in a place that's leaving me tired, worn, and still as confused as ever.  The situation with T is still an ongoing thing in which it appears he has no desire to change the behaviors that hurt, belittle, and depress me.  Depression is rage turned inward; I'm sure you guys have heard that.  And it's true.  The trick in getting past that is to know WHO or WHAT you're actually enraged at!  Fun stuff.

In my world, as it is now, I have to make my own way through the muddle without a support network.  All the health issues, the isolation, the loneness that comes with being in a new place and too sick to get out and meet people, it all has taken a great toll on everything I am.  There IS a strong element of depression, situational as it may be, it doesn't seem to want to lose its hold.  Taking an antidepressant is completely unappealing to me, and it's not an option anyway due to being on a blood thinner.  So the question remains---so now what?  Tired of having that question hanging overhead while seemingly no answer exists for this dilemma.  Crap.  Crap.  and CRAP.

*shaking my head*

Another day perhaps...

Purity Ring - Obedear [HD]

PART 2: Selfishness as a matter of convenience (Where's the respect??)

I'm unimpressed.  I'm completely unimpressed by T, and by the way most guys treat women.  In my particular case, the disrespect is dehumanizing, demoralizing, belittling, and disappointing beyond anything I've known.  It's not just this relationship, but in the past as well.  My choices have NOT been the greatest, and my guess it's because I'm trusting and take people at face-value.  This is NOT a good thing.  At all.

As of yesterday a new low has been established, and I'm in no position to do anything about it.  Thus is the case when dealing with control freaks who refuse to see that they're actions are completely selfish and self-serving.  DON'T VOLUNTEER to do something for someone if you're only going to use it to gain control over that person!  DAMN!  How hard is that to understand?

All my doctor's appointments are now between my doctors and T.  Why?  Because ALL appointments aren't about what's necessary, or needed, or critical, or about doing tests etc in a 'timely fashion.'  Nope.  NOW my appointments are about what's convenient for T.  It's about what he does or does not feel like doing, what works with his schedule (he's been told he needs to use a lot of his leave or lose it), and none of it has a thing to do with... me, you know, the actual patient.

Yesterday was a disaster, stressful beyond reason, frustrating in that I'm basically told I no longer have any control on when or what time I get an appointment.  *sigh*  One major symptom of late makes it dangerous for me to drive much beyond a few miles of my house.  Dizziness/vertigo doesn't exactly translate into "safe driving."  So I'm stuck for the time being, screwed beyond reason, because I have to wait for T to decide when I can see my ENT or Neurologist regarding the severe tinnitus, vertigo and dizziness that's come on over the past couple of weeks.  I sit.  And I wait.  For HIM to decide when it's a good time to see the doctor about this.

Why the F***K am I here????!!!!  Being here is unhealthy, both physically and emotionally.  It's detrimental to my health and well-being, and the inner workings of living in this house with T has destroyed my quality of life.

Now, some of you know my recent history with relationships and know what I've gone through.  I also know what you're most likely going to say to me and expect that email eventually.  It's okay.  Send it on.  Maybe I need to hear that.. 'again.' ;)  Either way, you're most likely seeing something familiar in all of what I'm writing, in which case I will say... I do too.

More later.  I promise... the flood gates are open now...

Finally.

Signs of Emotional Abuse and How to Respond (Episode 16)

For you M... and for anyone who needs to hear this.  You know who you are, and you know how this feels.

PART 1: Selfishness as a matter of convenience

Selfishness is a part of all human nature.  When a person believes they're not selfish--they're lying to themselves.  The degree of selfishness matters, as does the reason, because in selfishness.. every detail does matter.  Some selfishness is necessary, and we all know this.  When someone wants you to help them and you have other plans that are 'higher on the proverbial totem pole,' then it's a matter of priorities.  Putting off taking your sick child to the doctor just so you can indulge a friend who needs to rant... is down-right insane.  In the pecking order of things---you simply do not harm another person with your selfishness.

Convenience.  Everyone understands this, right?  I know what it is.  You know what it is.  And this, like selfishness, has a hierarchy in which you determine what is right and what is wrong.  That really should go without saying.

I'm getting to the point here, but I'm also indulging in non-emotional verbiage in order to get control of the raging emotions within.  It's NOT easy, I'll tell you.  Just bear with me for a moment as I attempt to gain a little control here before going off completely.

I've spoken about my health issues, so many of you know some of it is a bit on the scary side.  I don't sit around in fear worrying all of the time about it, but I also don't completely ignore it thinking things will miraculously get better.  The way things are right now I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  Truly.  I never thought I could feel this bad.

Today....

Things began in the usual way, with me trying to drag myself through a few mundane tasks and telling myself I'm going to get better, while in the next moment wondering if I can stand even one more day of it all.  Not just the health issues, which are awful, but with this 'relationship' (for lack of a better descriptive word).  I believe a person can deal with just about anything if they have a strong support network (which I don't), and also if their physical environment is conducive to healing  If your living environment is stressful, depressing, hollow, empty, uninspiring... and more, you will have to do some serious magic to pull yourself up and out of whatever awful place you're in, both emotionally and physically/medically.

I have yet another CT w/contrast to go through.  This one is for my lungs, to further evaluate the nodule, the unexplained scarring, etc.  They had to put it off for about 3 months because I had a CT without contrast, which means they couldn't get all the information they needed.  Honestly, it worries me how many of these imaging sessions I've had.  Too many.  But it is what it is.

My pulmonologist's secretary wasn't aware that I had a CT scheduled for the 18th, so when I called about some other test results (that aren't back in yet), she told me that she needed to make the appt for me.  She chose the 9th.  When I sent T a text to let him know when it was, he immediately went to "THAT" place where everything becomes all about convenience.  What it really comes down to are priorities and where I am on that list.  Where am I?...the bottom.

Some appointments I can't drive myself to and from, because they require someone to drive me.  T has an enormous amount of accrued leave time available, about a month actually, and so if he has to take me to an appt, etc., it doesn't do any financial harm, and his boss has already said he needs to use some of that leave.  He volunteered, and now he wants to complain about the dates and times of my appointments.  SO... today I made a decision....

I told T that from now on my appointment will be between HIM and the person setting the appointment.  I'm going to completely remove myself from the process because it seems these appointments are really about my health, but what is convenient for HIM.  What was his response?  "Okay."  He feels pretty good about himself right now.

There's really no other way to take this situation, no other way to see it other than what it EXACTLY is---selfishness in full swing.  Never mind that the doctor says he wants a test or procedure done by a certain time, as soon as possible, etc.  It's not about that... at least to T.  And he refuses to care that the longer these things are put off the longer I will be this sick.  Things are completely out of hand in the world of control freaks.  It's the truth.  And why the F**K do I always end up with control freaks anyway?  Well, it's not been in every relationship---there've been ones in the distant past that weren't like that.

And please, don't make the mistake of equating selfLESSness with buying someone things.  There are FAR FAR greater kindnesses, trust me.  Such as--treating someone with kindness and respect, being there for them when things are bad, listening to them without judgment, and actually putting their health, happiness, etc... ABOVE what's CONVENIENT.

Do you think being sick or dealing with a chronic illness is CONVENIENT for the person who's sick?  HELL NO!  No one wants to be this sick, so sick that they would do ANYTHING to feel better.  NO ONE wants a shitty quality of life.  So when you (using the word "You" loosely here) indulge in the 'This is so inconvenient for me" for me mindset, you're showing your true colors and actually causing harm to the person who's sick.  I mean, if you can't muster any empathy, compassion, or caring, if your give-a-shitter is THAT whacked, then by all means remove yourself from that person's life so they can HEAL!!!

In all honesty, I remember the last relationship I had where I DIDN'T feel as if I were better off alone, and it was a LONG LONG time ago.  Since then, I've usually ended up in a situation that left me feeling like the very best thing for me was to be single, because there was a total absence of health-destroying stress.  And I don't think I have to go on about the levels of stress, the differences between that which motivates and that which can kill.

I can't fix someone's lack of compassion.  I can't explain to them (where they'd get it) that buying something for someone who needs emotional support, love, compassion, etc... only makes themselves feel better.  Because it surely doesn't do a damn thing for the person who's suffering.

No offense to the guys reading this, but... if you're one of those men who find yourself saying "I bought x, y, z for you, so I DO care!"... then you may have a problem.  UNLESS that something you bought actually changed their life long-term.. the way true kindness and compassion does.  Not to say that gifts can't represent compassion, etc.. because they often do.  But you have to pay attention to what that person really needs, what they communicate to you.  Because when you don't, you miss the mark.

I'm angry right now because my situation, my health, etc. isn't being taken seriously by T.  It's damaging, stressful...which makes it more damaging.  "I" take it seriously.  My doctors take it seriously.  But T continues to do things that either undo all the work I've done thus far, or he does things that literally thwarts my efforts.

..... PART 2 will be next.  I have to gather my VERY scattered thoughts at the moment.

What I learned

Every experience I've had has taught me more than I really wanted to learn, and it wasn't always sunshine and rainbows.  The good stuff wouldn't be recognized as 'good' if there weren't any basis for comparison.  While I grit my teeth and muddle through the bad, I still dream of a future where the good definitely outweighs the bad.  Is that just asking too much?

NO!

I can only take so much.

The sticking point for me these days is a past that comes back to haunt me.  As I've said before, closure in situations of loss is necessary, no matter WHAT people try to tell me (and themselves).  You can't push it aside, or bury it deep, or completely ignore it because it absolutely WILL drag you down to the depths of hell-on-earth while you may be completely oblivious to the signs.

I am well aware of why I can't get closure.  I've been told why, but it was unnecessary.  It took a few steps, introspection, and I had to take a huge step back to see the truth.  When it finally came into focus I was completely taken aback by the sheer force of what I was shown.  My God, how did I not SEE???!!

All that confusion, all that not knowing who the hell he was from one day to the next, all that unrecognizable behavior, the words, the everything.  I didn't question, and that was my first mistake.  I put the rose-colored glasses on and blissfully went through the world in a daze of utter ignorance to my situation, of who and what I was dealing with.  Oh, I've stopped asking myself WHY I did it, because I've gone past that and know better now.  But I still have so many times when I mourn the loss of that person...

Mourning still because there wasn't anyone to say goodbye to.  Why?... because I fell in love with someone who didn't exactly exist!

This revelation, when it came, knocked the wind out of me and created a sense of loss unlike anything I'd ever known.  Why did it hurt so much?  Why did it take so long to let go?  Why does it still haunt me today?  The reason is stated clearly above, and it's impossible to say goodbye to someone who never existed in the first place.

So who the f**k did I fall in love with?  Not sure, really, as I didn't exactly get to know him that well except for the dark stuff.

How did I manage to move on?... Well I've not moved on totally, which means I haven't moved on.  Strange as it may sound BOTH are true.

I just keep working through it--the confusion.  I mean, what else is there to do?  There was never any closure to allow me to move to the next level and stay there.  The grieving process for breakups is the same as when someone dies, and the process is rather circular... at least for a time.  Back and forth you go through the stages until you reach the final stage that sets you free--acceptance.  While I ACCEPTED the situation for what it is, accepting the breakup isn't exactly what happened, because I'd no idea WHO it was I broke up with.  The person I was in love with changed SO drastically that it took my breath away--and in all the WRONG ways, I assure you.

The less I recognized him the more confused I became, and a part of me continued to search for the person I'd fallen in love with.  This was the cycle I was trapped in while still with him.  While blindsided by the behavior, the sneaking around, and so forth... I still forgave because I was erroneously convinced that he was still the person I fell in love with.  Yet, I didn't SEE anything at all that I actually recognized!  Nothing at all.  The face was the same.  The voice was the same.  But everything else---NOT at all recognizable.

Look, I know people go through events and situations in their lives that change them for a short time; but eventually they get back to themselves again.  Also, the person they are shines through despite what's happening and the resulting behavior etc changes.  I get this.  I've gone through it myself.  However, the absence of ANYTHING recognizable in that person was the most perplexing part of the whole thing, leaving me to ask inwardly and often.... "WHO are you??!!"

I still learned much from the ordeal, and I know exactly what I won't deal with ever again.  I also know exactly what I want.  No one is perfect, and I don't expect perfection, but I do know what's right for me... now.

More on this later....

Settings change for 'adult content'

First let me say the settings we changed due to some subject matter which will be discussed occasionally.  While I work on talking openly about issues that NEED addressing, some of those issues are going to be sexual in nature.  I think it only fair to warn you guys.

Many of you won't care as I've had these settings in place before.  I removed the settings and decided not to talk of anything 'sensitive' some time back, and I did this due to an increasing necessity to protect myself by withholding much of what's going on within and without.

Things are changing, and I'm fully planning on going with the flow here.  If you can hang---cool.  If you can't hang---I certainly understand.

Guys and epic failures: The humor and the hurt

A friend of mine (who now lives on the east coast) called me the other day out of the blue to share something both heartbreaking...and hilarious.  The conversation began very teary on her part, but after a good hour of talking we were both laughing, and I mean REALLY laughing.  She and I have known each other for several years now, and we have shared pretty much EVERYTHING.  Sometimes our shares were incidental, sometimes on purpose, but we really ended up knowing probably far too much about each other's private lives, which means... we're pretty damn comfortable talking about anything our hearts' desire.  Yesterday was one such day.

I will refer to my friend as R in order to keep her anonymous...

Skipping over the tearful parts (because she reads my blogs) I will say that the entire subject matter of our 3 hour+ conversation was primarily about guys and their epic failures in relationships.  Now, for the couple of guy friends who I've given my blog addresses to... you know I'm not referring to you!  Some guys are sweet, genuine, real gentleman...to say the least, but those guys are very, VERY rare, and I will tell you this---you will NOT meet those great guys online.  Sorry to burst the bubbles of those on dating sites, but... you simply won't.  Advice---save yourself the grief of even going there (online dating sites), because pretty much everyone I've ever met, with the exception of one person who met her guy on a Christian dating site (one you pay for), has found that there's mostly riffraff on there.  And ladies...seriously, it does NOT matter what they guy does for a living or how much money he has!  Just don't go there!

Okay, so R's ex (a recent event, btw) seemed to have been maintaining his profile on a popular dating site...the entire time he was with her.  God, but her story sounds just like mine with my ex!  She found out via another friend who is also on the site...when he showed up in her searches (same thing that happened to me).  So as she cried and expressed her shock, bewilderment, hurt, and anger over the phone... I remained quiet, thoughtful, and listening, because I have been where she is now, and it's one seriously ugly place to be.

I think it probably took her a good 2-30 minutes of crying and venting before she took that deep breath, sighed, and waited for me to respond.  She already knew my history, which means she knew I would understand.  And I do.  I told her how sorry I was that she had to go through that, and I told her she had every single right to feel outraged for what was done to her by this "guy" (whom I did not ever refer to as a "man" for obvious reasons).  Then she began to gush details, ones that in the light of day and 'after the fact' are really... well, rather hilarious.

She spoke of his quirks, personality flaws, and especially about his sexual inadequacies, ones he apparently was quite proud of.  I have to wonder if all guys are clueless to the things THEY like... that simply don't work for women?  So we talked about this for a bit, about why guys sometimes do what they do in the bedroom when it only benefits them and leaves their partner... well, unsatisfied.. or turned off completely.  With the latter in mind, the real conversation began.  She spoke of how the last year of their relationship she'd gone completely bored with him, sexually, how everything he did was for himself, and how he seemed shocked and angry because she was losing interest and couldn't hide it any longer.  She spoke of conversations she had with him that, at the time, seemed SO serious...when in retrospect were completely laughable.  Hindsight, you know... lol  I've had many revelations like that myself.

I felt for her as she told me in great bloody detail how her guy had failed repeatedly to perform.  "Hours.  We would do it for hours, with his talking and moaning and going on and on and on.  I mean, he was so into his performance, into himself that I think he completely forgot I was even there!  What the hell?"  After a moment's pause and neither of us saying anything... we both started laughing.  Suddenly the unspoken part of our mutual understanding of such things became something we could laugh about.  This is a good thing.

She told me that he was attempting to perform OS on her and that after some time of his robotic performance she told him to stop...to just stop.  Wow, I have to say this one really hit home for me, because the very last time "I" enjoyed or even wanted OS this was done to me, as punishment (a subject for another day).  And when she said, "I told him that was it. I didn't want him to ever do that to me again!"  Well, we can certainly say this was an epic failure on his part.  And as R talked... I could see, like with my previous situation, that this really was the beginning of the end for her.

She spoke of issues beyond sex, the cruelty, the way he made himself scarce in her life... leaving her wide open for meeting someone else, etc.  How is it, we both wondered, that guys can be that blind to the things they do that change the way their GF's or wives feel about them?..only to go on to blame her for the relationship eroding?  It's a mystery, I'll tell ya.  A mystery.  But R and I had a lot of laughs as we talked, and she at least was able to get to a point in the conversation where she was focusing on what she REALLY wanted in a guy, a relationship, rather than the time wasted with someone who honestly didn't have her best interest in mind anyway.

"He's not going to even notice I'm gone until, during sex, he looks down and sees that I'm actually not there!" lol  I will never forget that phrase!  Hilarious.

I'd asked a guy friend of mine about 3 years ago why some men behave this way, and he said that not all guys do, then added... "A lot of guys are attracted to themselves" and added that if the woman makes HIM feel sexy then he feels attracted to her for that reason, that men can actually be turned on by their own performance in bed, rather than the women they're actually in bed with.  WOW!  I was really shocked to hear this, though I shouldn't have been given my experience.

My friend, whom I will call "C," is extremely intelligent, has a lot of guy friends, women friends, and is fairly open and blunt when he speaks.  He'd been warning me about my situation nearly the entire time as he saw things in my relationship that were, in his words, huge warning signs.  Should I have listened to him?  I don't know, because I believe that everyone that comes into our lives are there for a reason, and it's usually to teach us something.  In my case, a couple of things broke, and I mean really broke that I'm pretty sure can't ever be repaired.  The experience changed me so significantly in a couple of ways that I just don't see those parts of me ever returning to what they were prior to the relationship.

I can't really can't say here what it is that's broke so completely due to account settings.  I'm not sure if anyone 'under age' has stumbled across my blogs or not, so I have to keep some of this on the down-low.... until I change my settings back again to include a warning for adult content.  Until then, let's just suffice it to say that while I mourn the parts of me that were shattered in that relationship I do recognize the protective stance I've taken since then.  My trust in guys is severely diminished due to what I went through, and I don't allow anyone to reach that vital part of me, of who I am.  Maybe this would change if I resumed therapy, which I had to resort to after the break up so I could repair most of what was damaged.  But, I'm not exactly sure I'm ready for that, because a huge part of me likes things just as they are.

The person I'm with right now has been flourishing in the 'epic fail' department.  He knows, and he's not given any of it any real thought, time, attention, nor is he made any effort to work on things.  His bad, because I'm beyond arms-length now and am completely focused on my health and well-being, rather than him.  It was a natural course of events as my health plummeted under the onslaught of the past and the damaging effects of the now.  As controlling as the previous relationship was, this one is as controlling...but in a very different way.  Either way, control doesn't work for me, and I am going to give absolutely everything I have to regaining my health, self-esteem, and repairing my damaged self-respect.  These are the only things that matter right now.

R and I had a good conversation, and one that ended with us both laughing.  I think she's going to break free from those traumatic bonds and move forward as a strong, single woman.  She isn't up for another relationship, and I can certainly understand that on SO many levels!  For me, I refuse to be another afterthought, slave, or punching bag for any guy.  If I'm not appreciated, then I will appreciate myself first and foremost.  It's the least I can do.

The conversation with R has reminded me of things I'd left for dead in my recent past.  So be it.  I'm sure I needed reminding for some reason.  Maybe that will be my motivation to plug ahead with getting my health in check, to become stronger inside and out, and to also remind myself that the choices I've made in light of my past are mine to make and mine to keep.  What's done is done, and thought I came out on the other side of things somewhat broken, changed... it's probably for the best.

I'm going to finish the other portions of this on my other blogs.  Things have turned a corner...

Running interference

"STOP!"  Some words have lost their effectiveness.  As many times as I tell myself to stop with the stupid internal dialogue it has yet to have any real effect on me.  Damn, but my inner child is stubborn as hell!  But then, all of me tends to be that way.  With a lack of a support network I'm left to my own devices, and the on-screen blabbering of an indifferent internet to fill that void.  Guess what?  NONE of it's working.

Inspiration, more specifically the lack thereof, squashes motivation before it even gets out of the gate.  Am I saying I'm uninspired, then I would have to say "YES!"  Knowing my situation will only change when I facilitate that change (personally) is enough pressure all on its own, but when I'm told my my cardiologist that I can't exercise until after I have the nuclear stress test and get the results, well, that really puts a massive damper on things.  And waiting is just another level of hell.

My subconscious is raging against all that's happening, behaving like a willful, spoiled brat, and one in which I can't exactly order to go stand in the corner somewhere.  So the tantrums ensue, unchecked.  Yippee.

Yesterday I saw an orthodontist about an oral device that will help with this mild sleep apnea.  While waiting in the office I thumbed through a huge binder filled with handwritten testimonies of people who've gotten this device (which is a lot like what you wear to protect your teeth if you grind them in your sleep).  Anyway, encouragement and hope literally poured from the pages, and I actually felt myself on the verge of tears at the thought that "I" could really feel THAT good again.  There are things I still need to do with regards to my teeth, like get a dental implant for the one I cracked severely from years of grinding my teeth, so that will slow things down a bit.  Waiting... has never been my strong point.  Delayed gratification sucks when it's something this necessary, vital even.

For every night I spend in poor sleep, I wake to feel as if I'd not slept at all.  So how is it that I'm going to be able to wait for the next few weeks in order to deal with the process of getting that dental implant?  How in the hell do I make myself okay with feeling like THIS for yet a few more weeks?  I really don't know that I can do it.  BUT, I have to.  They can't have them make that oral device before I have the other done because it won't fit.  Ugh.

As my subconscious rages, as it seeks to pout and crawl into a deep, dark hole where it can sulk in private, I'm left with the aftermath of its childish behavior; depression, hopelessness, sadness, bewilderment, and at times anger.  Screw this.  My subconscious and I need to have a damn talk!

I really could use a support network right now.  Having to admit such a frailty is really uncomfortable, I'll have you know.  Over the years I've changed from someone who was open, okay with expressing feelings and allowing them to flow through me so I could deal with them, to someone who refuses to cry in front of anyone, to show my vulnerability, and to even express my needs.  This unpleasant change began a few years ago and has continued to hold onto the part of me I want back.  I feel like a damn hostage inside my own body.  Wtf?

Free me...

Sleep, oh those little slices of death...

....how I NEED them!  Well, sometimes.  This elusive and popular activity, sleep, keeps me at arm's length whenever I try to embrace it.  It's taken a few appointments with doctors, and an orthodontist, to finally get to the bottom of the HEALTH-side of this issue.  As for the other side, the emotional one, well... that may be more complex of a process.  In fact, there's no "may" about it.

I'm sitting here at my laptop wondering...why I'm sitting here at my laptop.  This is how sleep deprivation gets you.  As the world becomes more surreal, the intuitive side and the creative side begin to meld together, thus creating a loss of place.  Do you understand that phrase when I say it?  If you do, you've been here in this garden in forever dusk.  If not, I'm not entirely sure I could explain it to you where you'd actually understand.  Just know that it's a lot like being in a dream while awake..and leave it at that.

This sleepless state changes my perception of just about everything, and in turn my attitude towards just about everything also changes.  Emotional.  There's just no two ways about it.  But this emotion is both limiting and freeing, as the daily filters which keep our tongues in-check fall away.  And yes, those filters are quite necessary in everyday, polite living among society.  I don't worry about it overly  much, because the more tired I become the funnier the world gets.  And also more irritating.  I don't think you can have one without the other in this respect.

Last night as I waited for sleep to rescue me, I realized this love/hate relationship I have with sleep depends on my level or worry, anxiety, loneliness, or the need to BE alone for a bit.  I'm sure this is true for everyone, but I cannot tell you how impossible the act of falling asleep becomes when you, on some level, despise it!  I'm working on that, but there is also a great deal of 'dealing' I need to do in order to get there.  My quality of life is failing because of this unresolved nightmare.  No pun intended.

I have hope now that the health aspect of this insomnia and inability to remain asleep will be resolved.  I'm far too worn out to discuss it now, but I'm confident about this next step, next phase, next.. 'nothing new.'  Truly.  I've been here before.

You know what?  I just can't sit here anymore.  Yeah, it's THAT kind of day. lol

PART II: You can't treat me this way

I no longer care if I'm heard.  My resolve is strong enough that I can take things from here.  My guess is that many guys shrug things off and feel justified in their indifference, and I am more than okay with that right now.  I'm in a place that indifference, silence, and flipping the switch to autopilot just gives me more time to focus on what I need, healing, happiness and health.

Give me enough space and I will build a universe!  And yes, L, you may quote me on that. ;)

Even when I resort to the introvert side of me, or if I'm venting in order to sort through the muddle, I'm a LOT stronger than you think.  Don't underestimate me, because others have and discovered quickly that I don't require their help, blessings, or support in such matters.  If it comes down to the wire... I've got this!

Yes, it would be nice to have people close to me who are supportive.  But I've long since learned that it's not an actual requirement in order to succeed at my goals.  of course, there is a lot that's to be said about having a good support network when you're going through difficulties.  Still, if that network and support isn't there, I have to resort to my own devices.

This is where I am right now.

....Will continue this soon...

You can't treat me that way

It is said that even the strongest of feelings expire when ignored or taken for granted.  And this is not the first time I've felt those feelings die inside me....

It's becoming ever clearer to me that I have to take back my life.  I resolved a few years ago to not allow another guy treat me badly, and somewhere along the way... I've become my best advocate.  How did I manage to get that right?  ;)  It's all good, because I know what's needed and just have to get to the task of implementing the things I know that work.  The lessons learned by a therapist I spoke to a few years ago have become invaluable and necessary.

Don't let anyone tell you there's anything wrong with talking to a therapist.  A strong person will look for expert advice when they feel stuck, as I did.  While I spoke to her for only a short time, what she revealed to me would forever change my life.  I now have tools at my disposal for not only recognizing that which harms me, but also for ensuring I don't become easy prey again.

People cause harm in many ways, right?  But we don't often recognize what's happening until the damage is done.  The real trick is to stop things before the damage becomes permanent on ANY level.  I was only somewhat lucky in that, but the parts of me that were deeply harmed are now the strongest.  Go figure.  I guess the cliche we all overuse to some some degree actually has merit.

Intention.  So this is something we humans also focus on when assessing where we are in a complicated situation.  We ask ourselves 'What did they mean?' or 'Did they really mean that?' in scenarios where we're blindsided by the harmful actions or words by another.   No matter if I question the other person's motives, because I've learned to ask myself the more important questions: "Am I okay with this, and if not, how am I going to handle things?"

My striving for better health while doctors give me medications that literally counteract that goal means I have very little tolerance for bullshit these days.  In this present state of body and mind I have absolutely NO PROBLEM asserting myself.  And I will tell you that this is something quite new for me.  Somewhere along the line I grew one hell of a backbone.  I'm more than okay with this, btw.

Oddly, since being with T I've evolved to focusing less on "love" than on respect and humanity, compassion and kindness.  I never EVER ask "Does he love me?"  Because, honestly, that means nothing to me right now.  I don't equate love with gifts, material things, money, or even someone's physical presence.  No, because those things mean nothing if the motivation behind one's actions are self-serving or indifferent.  And yes, people CAN give you material things, money, even their time... and not have your best intentions as their motive.  I will never be swayed by 'stuff,' nor by someone who feels as if they're doing me a huge favor simply by 'gifting' me with their presence.

If someone is here and yet 'not here,' being alone is far more peaceful, healing, and promoting of good physical and mental health.  It's just plain unhealthy to be around someone who is barely, if at all, actually 'there.'  But what does this mean, exactly?

A person has the ability to be present while not saying or doing anything.  You can sit quietly next to someone and feel their presence.  It's unmistakable if you're paying attention.  Unfortunately, I've been 'empathic' my entire life, and even as a child I could strongly feel when someone didn't want me around, was angry with me, etc.  I assumed everyone was like this, and boy was I ever wrong.  Even so, coming to terms with that part of me as an adult was both easy and difficult, because I really didn't know WHAT I was to do with that information.

I can filter somewhat, but not very well what I feel from others.

When being misunderstood becomes a major stressor:

This is a big peeve of mine.  Communication breaks down if one party is always over-scrutinizing what the other is saying.  Wth can't people just, you know, LISTEN?  Why do some people allow the wheels of overthinking to kick in and destroy what would otherwise be a productive conversation?  I will never understand this as long as I live.  Honestly, just listen to what the other person is saying before you pass judgment on what you THINK they "mean" by their words!  I've dealt with this way too much over the past few years, and I'm more about a 50/50 conversation that both people are not only participating in, but equally open-minded in as well.

In my current situation, due to the 'tuning-out' factor, I'm often misunderstood.  I mean, if you're not really listening or engaged in the exchange then you're not going to actually HEAR what it is I'm saying.  And if you don't WANT to be in the conversation, man-up and say so.  There are always other people to talk to.  People who've known me for many years understand me, and they do so because they've been a respectful participant in enough conversations with me to know exactly who I am and what I need.  And in turn I also understand them and what they need out of the conversation.

This has turned into a bit of a purging session, really, and I've strayed a bit off-course.  All of the above is connected, but my goal here today is to talk about what I need and what I'm willing to put up with.  The Reader's Digest version of this would be---disrespect is a deal-breaker for me.  One for of disrespect is not listening during an important conversation.

..... Part II coming next.

Blast from the past...

I guess it's kind of weird, really, that my dreams bring in people I knew some 20 years ago.  Weird, but not at all bad.  I think the last really awesome guy I ever dated was back when I worked at the Biloxi Belle in Biloxi, MS. It's a memory I don't actually visit, but one that visits me.  I don't feel melancholy or sad, but I do think it's strange.  I won't even begin to guess what it means, because I think that it has a lot less to do with HIM than it does with ME, who I am, who I was, and who I should be.  Back then I was able to be who I was without any seemingly limiting people around me.  Gosh, that was so very long ago, and during a time when my decisions were mostly the right ones.