The Danger of Indifference.

I know every cliche there is about life and happiness.  The sayings, unfortunately, are just that and don't really bring anything useful to the discussion most of the time.  "You're the captain of your own ship" and other cliches I find are just uttered AT someone due the lack of having anything substantial or helpful.  It's all very well-meaning, of course, but as they say... "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." *wink*

I don't need cliches or old sayings or quotes from famous people.  What I need is substance and action from people who are involved in my life where they have have direct and powerful influence in what happens in my life or to me.  Keep the platitudes and he cliches and the rehearsed and memories 'pretties.'  What I need is something REAL.

Many times people will utter those cliches, or even quote scripture as a response to questions or shared feelings, experiences or thoughts.  I would rather someone be honest and tell me they don't know what to say instead of offering verbal memes as a replacement for heartfelt responses.  There's no replacement for real feelings.  You can't pretend to say or do something from the heart.  People know when something isn't genuine.

Not everyone resorts to cliches out of indifference, I know this.  But many people try to cover their indifference with BS.  Just stop it already.  Actions speak louder than words, right?  And even the smallest action can be recognized as an honest attempt.  But do NOT try and tell me you 'care' or 'love' me when your behavior screams indifference.  Don't underestimate me, and don't assume I don't see what you are or where you're at just because I remain quiet.

Indifference has no place in healthy relationships of any kind.  Not working, not romantic, not friendship, not even in business or career!  An indifferent nurse will often be irresponsible.  Do YOU want an indifferent nurse to be giving you medication and measuring injection dosages?  I sure as hell don't!  Indifference is dangerous... on all practical and impractical levels.

T's indifference this morning left me angry and also alarmed at my situation.  I won't go into it all again here as I spilled my guts about that in This Free Spirit.  I'm just venting at this point and wondering why human beings choose indifference over compassion and empathy.

That's the million dollar question, isn't it?

The Art of ASSuming & The Most Powerful Thing To Be....

I spent the last 1/2 hour or so talking on the phone to a friend of mine, who also has a blog as well, and we talked about life, health, girl stuff, and so on.  During the course of the conversation, and as the conversation settled into more meaningful, deeper topics... we both came to the realization that scrutiny is good, and ASSumption is bad.  Okay.  Sounds silly when you put it like that, but why confuse the issue with pretty words?

Somewhere between acquiring information and implementing reason something can go very, very awry, and the consequences aren't anything to write home about.  So why do people fall prey to the rather weak lure of assumption when the truth is often, though not always, fairly interesting?  G and I concluded that we definitely are in the middle of a dung-pile of thrill-seekers who can't handle being removed from the most caustic drama available.  And when it's not available... they set about constructing the facade that will most assist them in their endeavor to be shocked, appalled, thrilled, and mortified.  How crazy is that?  Well, maybe it's not crazy at all.

Humans thrive on drama.  Whether you have drama in your life or not, and it doesn't matter who's fault the drama is, people just can't seem to help themselves when said drama isn't up to par for their taste.  It takes talent, G and I agree on this, and we believe that in all seriousness people hone and perfect this skill that is not at all unlike mental heroin.  Once people try it.. they can't do without it, and when their 'stash' of drama runs low, or it's just not doing it anymore for them, they have to enhance it somehow.

Right before G and I hung up so we could, you know, blog about it (grin)... we both thought there was, in so many ways, a certain kind of power with being honest with blogging AND life.  When you realize your advantage, when it finally hits you that you're actually in a position power... the anger against having ASSumption being projected on you... that's the moment you win.

The most powerful thing to be, hands-down, is underestimated.

Now, this isn't anything new.  I've known this, as most do, my whole life.  Or at least fairly early on at some point... usually in childhood.  Even if we don't recognize it right off deep in our gut we know.  The first time someone doesn't believe us when we're telling the truth--realization sets in.  And either then, or later on in life, at some point in time... you understand fully that the moment people don't give you credit for having intelligence is the moment they relinquish their own power.. to you.

People who don't respect you try, even subconsciously, to discredit you.  This is a very strong form of underestimation of you as a person.  This means they underestimate you, therefore, can't predict what you will say, do, or think at any moment in any situation.  The mistrust they infuse doesn't move beyond themselves and, therefore... they weaken their own ability to 'keep up.'  My question in all of this is.. "Why on earth would they deliberately assume the position of weakness?"  Well, that's something only those people can answer.

I can be amused by all of this easily.  However, as G and I agreed, there's a certain element of pity that comes into play when you realize that when people choose to inject ASSumption into truth that their lives must become terribly distorted as a result.  How can anyone find anything good if the distortion becomes a barrier to actual communication?

At this moment I can visualize G blogging away frantically---excited to know she's not as powerless as she once thought.  It was a good conversation.

Off to re-post on my other blogs, then to read G's blog...

What a weird freaking day.

The Similarities of Day to Day Life.

Or shall we call it "A life of perpetual sameness"?  Either way, I'm going to make damn sure I change this.  I have to.

I've posted enough here for you guys to know where I am at the moment.  Dealing with communication and respect issues from T, issues that make themselves known every day and every night without fail.  You also know by now that my tolerance for this is extremely thin, verging on non-existent.  Notwithstanding innocent goof and human blunders, somewhere in the chaos one has to actually SEE the damage being done.  "I" see the damage because I'm a recipient of most of it, but T sits quietly on the river "Denial" and refuses to move.  Ok.  Whatever.

He doesn't like my bluntness and doesn't want me to say aloud the truth that threatens not only to completely destroy this relationship, but the truth that's destroying my peace of mind, health, and happiness.  He's in blissful ignorance, so I don't have any choice other than to say exactly what's on my mind.

When I'm trying to open a discussion, when I need to point out behaviors in someone that TRULY need addressing, I use non-combative phrases.  I speak of how I feel, what the harmful behavior is, but I don't point fingers, name-call, label, etc., because that approach causes damage as well.  I know how to communicate, as long as people allow me to communicate.

Repeatedly disrespecting me is a huge deal and would be for pretty much anyone.  Not allowing anyone to disrespect me was a lesson only recently learned, so I'm still a little awkward with it and finding my balance and strength when approaching the subject.  I'm getting there.  Now, in the process I've become fairly blunt when I've taken all I can, and all PC is out the window.  I speak my mind now while doing my best to preserve the other person's (in this case T) self-esteem.  I've no interest in becoming what I most despise so won't allow myself to go there.

T believes that when I point out what he does that hurts, offends, and disrespects me.. that it's a form of disrespect and that I shouldn't say anything at all.  But I assure you, that approach NEVER works and is, in fact, quite harmful to relationships and the individuals.  If I shove down my feelings, ignore the disrespect, and take the punches in silence... I will eventually resent that person, and that person right now is T.  No matter how I try to explain this--he doesn't get it and shows no indication of trying to understand or stop the disrespectful behavior.

Again, as I've said many times before, I'm not trying to make T out as a bad guy or to demonize him. He's NOT a bad guy--he's just blind to the things he does and doesn't do that greatly and adversely affect me in so many ways.  I hang in there for the obvious reasons, and I do so because I hold hope very close, hope that he'll see what he's doing so it can be stopped.

I may be a bit foolish for relying on hope this way given my past experiences and hope-filled failures.  But there's no reason NOT to hope.  In fact, hope is the great buffer of all things, isn't it?  Life tends to slip apart when hope is lost.

Damage control: There's been a lot of this with most being unsuccessful.  And I'm no stranger to damage control given past relationships that left me holding the weight of fixing everything.  One person CANNOT fix a relationship, nor can one person break it.  If a relationship is going bad, guaranteed there are TWO people at fault, even if it's the behavior of one and the acceptance of that behavior by the other.  It takes two people to break a relationship and two to repair it; an absolute truth.

Sometimes there are victims, yes, but 'most' victims are willing.  Meaning, when you have a way out of a bad situation and don't get on board with preparing things, and if you stay and suffer the damaging consequences.. then you've willingly participated in that damage.

As for me, I was a willing victim.  I played the martyr in love more times than I like to admit.  My role in a past relationship which did a LOT of damage to my self-esteem, body, etc. I take full responsibility for.  I remained in a bad situation, and though I believed that he and I could fix things I refused to see and acknowledge (for far too long) that the weight of that burden was planted fully on me.  I should've left at the first sign of serious problems.

I should have bailed when the relationship began changing the way I saw myself, how I thought of myself, when it began to depress me and fill my entire world with anxiety.  I should have been my own best friend and stood up for ME.  Instead, I did everything I possibly could to change into the distorted version he wished me to become.  It doesn't take a genius to understand that my acceptance of abuses, be they emotional or physical, would nearly destroy me as a person; I get it NOW, but I didn't get it THEN, not until it was too late and the damage was done.

I had to forgive myself more than the other person, because it was ME who let myself down.  I didn't have my own back, and I allowed everything till nearly the end.  It wasn't until I had a TIA and ended up in the hospital (very shortly after the last blow up) did I realize to what degree I'd been beaten up inside and how it had shattered me.

In the hospital the doctors asked about my level of stress, had I been dealing with major life changes such as a death in the family, financial hardship, and/or a breakup.  That was the first time the lightbulb went on and I began to introspect as I lay in that hospital bed with nothing but the hum of the heater to interfere with what came to me.  The realization was harsh, brazen, and shattering in its truth.  I had to get out of the relationship; I had to let go; and I had to do it to save my life.

This wasn't a comfortable awareness when it came blazing out of the deep recesses in which unpleasant things go to smolder.  But there was nothing I could do, really, but allow it into the light and face what it was, what I'd always known but refused to acknowledge.

So the burning question for most people at this point, after hearing/reading about my experience, the question everyone I knew at the time had is: Why the hell did I stay so long?  I stayed because I was in love with him.  Isn't that why any of us stay in bad or toxic relationships, because of our feelings and our sometimes misguided hopes that he/she will change?

I wouldn't find out until much later, until it was far too late and the damage was taking over my life and destroying happiness, that the person I fell in love with didn't really exist.  If you've read my blogs for a while you've heard me say this, and that's because the realization that I fell in love with a lie is profound and one I struggle with today for obvious reasons: You can't say goodbye to someone who doesn't exist.

The mask slipped and I discovered the truth beneath.

To this day everything about me struggles to reconcile who I thought I loved with who I was actually dealing with.

I believe that this problem of irreconcilable truths, for me, is fanning the flames of what's happening in the current relationship.  While I knew this was a possibility there wasn't any reasonable way to prepare for the experience itself.  On one hand being protective is necessary, but on the other hand.. always being poised in defense isn't a good idea either.

This emotional struggle could end with closure; something I will never have.  I can't say goodbye to someone who never existed, now can I?

Yeah... and therein lies the biggest problem of all.  This fight, this struggle permeates day to day life.  T's disrespect, whether purposeful or accidental permeates day to day life.  Health problems worsen and take over day to day life.  There seems to be no end to this....

Respect Has Nothing to Do With Your Demands

Do you get it, the title I mean?  Do you read that alone and become angry, irritated?  It's okay if you are angry, because you probably don't understand what it means.  Allow me a moment to explain...

Human nature dictates that when we want something and ask it of another that we automatically feel the other person must comply if they care.  Let's be honest, because this is what people think.  Doesn't mean it's good or bad; it just means it IS what it IS.  So given this idea, why then is it that we become so hurt, angry, bitter, and so forth (some people anyway) when our needs, wants, desires, demands, and so forth aren't met?  Is it the other person's fault, or is it that the demands themselves take on a living, breathing life of their own, something that people can lose control of quickly if they're not very careful?  I think it's very much the latter.

The monsters we create from our own needs usually turn on us.  It's the truth, when you think about us.  Some people, though not all and not all of the time, see their needs as so inherently vital that they can't possibly be happy if those needs aren't being met by someone else.  Meaning, higher expectations of others than what you expect from yourself is a sure way to end up an angry, bitter, mean-ass individual.  I've seen it happen.  BOY have I seen it happen.

My past is marked by experiences that are less than wonderful, and most of the damaging experiences where when I was with people who literally shoved unreasonable demands on me without ever allowing for room for me to actually live my own life.  Being asked to be at someone's 24/7 beck and call is beyond anything 'reasonable,' and eventually you're going to wear that person down.  This is what happened to me.

I lived that life for a few years, the life where my time meant nothing to that other person, my time nor space or even the room for me to take care of myself (bathing, eating, sleeping, down time, etc.).  Demands in excess that diminished my ability to even take care of myself properly, and all the while he claimed I was being disrespectful for not being that person at his every beck and call and whim at any given moment in a 24hr period.

What I know NOW that I didn't know THEN is that the lack of respect from him with regards to my own personal space was a very serious problem and a huge red flag.  Expecting me to be on 24/7 stand-by to fulfill his every demand was really about disrespecting me, not the other way around.  I wasn't put on earth to be a servant to anyone.  And yet that's exactly what I became until I was empty, spent, used up and exhausted.

He wasn't blind or confused.  He was calculating, precise, and knew exactly what he was doing.  In fact, he felt quite justified in what he was doing, what he was asking of me, because to him.. that was normal.  But I'm here to tell you it's not normal at all to treat another human being that way.

I'm on a roll today, btw, about this whole respect thing because it's become an important aspect in my life, as it should be in all our lives.  We can't allow people to use us like servants, and we can't be okay with the dishing out of punishments when we can't be on standby 24/7.  We deserve to live our own lives, take care of ourselves, and we deserve to be happy.  You can't be happy when someone else is trying to control your every waking moment. You just can't.

So if it seems I'm having 'one of those days' today, well that's because I am.  I told you guys I'm still working to get past the past, to heal the damage and find that peacefulness I once had.  This is just part of the process, no matter how chaotic it may come across.  It's a process....

Hopefully I've made some sense.  If not, then chalk it up to my just having another day of dealing...

Well, some of you know where I'm coming from...

The entry that never was

It happens.  Every so once in a while I'll start an entry, just to be pulled away to deal with something else, only to come back and find it didn't make it into draft.  That's okay.  Probably not meant to be said anyway, at least not all of it.  Still, the early morning entry I was composing was about something very real, and something that instills a sense of urgency on my part with regards to my situation.  Even so, I had two doctor appointments today to contend with, and changes that did, or will be, due to those appointments.

The day wasn't bad.  Today was just a day that needed to 'be' in the great scheme of things called my life.  Learn from what I can and walk away from it with a plan, a new plan if necessary.  Things change.  As information changes, so does my take on how to proceed.  And today was definitely one of those days.

Skipping the annoyance of this morning, I will say that my first appointment went mostly as expected.  Saw the liver doc, an AWESOME doctor btw, and we assessed my reaction to tapering off prednisone.  Since the symptoms of AIH returned beginning with the first taper, he said this is what is used to gauge ongoing treatment/therapy to bring AIH under control and into remission.. long-term.

Basically, as expected, he added Imuran (Azathioprine) to the mix, so I'm now on prednisone, an anti-inflammatory and immunosuppressant, AND Azathioprine, a very powerful immunosuppressant.  The way this protocol works is that I'm to taper down from prednisone while increasing the dosage of Imuran (brand name, btw.. just easier to type. I'm actually taking the generic called Azathioprine).  The Azathioprine dosage will increase as the prednisone decreases until the Azathioprine reaches my ongoing dosage of 150mg/day.

I also had blood work done to re-check liver enzymes, Aldolase (as it was once highly elevated a few months back, returned to normal a few months later), a complete CBC, metabolic panel, and a test for a specific enzyme to see how well, or IF, I will be able to metabolize the Azathioprine.  Some people can't metabolize it and need to use something else, because the drug will literally build up in the system and cause organ damage, mainly to the liver; that's something we definitely don't want.  Doc wanted to start the medication right away, but he is going for a 1/3 of the dosage to begin with, and when test results come back we can assess if I can continue taking it.

In two weeks I have to return for more blood work, and in one month another follow-up.  The blood work in two weeks is basically to make sure I'm still metabolizing the new drug, even if the first test for the enzymes proves favorable.

In the meantime, I'm struggling with dealing with T situations.  I'm not angry, mind you.  Not today anyway.  But I am incredibly disappointed that he doesn't take anything I say seriously with regards to what he does, doesn't do, says, etc.  Things really do have to change or this will not be a long-term relationship, that I can tell you.  And yes, he knows this.

Okay, so what I will say about this morning is this:  I don't sleep that well at night for a few reasons, so waking me up at 5am for a 7:15 appointment makes absolutely NO sense whatsoever.  This morning I was awakened by T, who said it was time to get up.  I was groggy, out of it really, and tired as hell.  But I simply accepted what he said and did my best to get up and get going.  Thing is, I didn't need but 30 minutes TOPS to get ready to go.  And what did he do?  He woke me and then went right back to bed himself.

....?????....

I was up, moving about, bewildered, befuddled, groggy, tired, sleep and sore, and I realized that I was the only one up and 'getting ready' so went to find out what was going on.  I certainly didn't 'need' to be up this early, so I assumed HE had a reason for me to be.  He was back in bed.. sleeping.  I asked him if he had fallen asleep by accident, and he said.. "No. Just going back to bed."  Yeah, I wasn't real happy about this.  I wasn't upset he was in bed when he didn't 'have' to be up, but I was irritated that he made a point of waking me, knowing I would never get back to sleep again.

Let me clarify this completely by saying... there was NO reason I should've been up at 5am.

Anyone who has insomnia for ANY reason understand exactly how precious sleep is, and draining sleep deprivation can be on a body that is chronically 'unrested.'

So why did he do this?  I've no idea.  I asked, and he said he thought I wanted to take a shower.  Um, NO.. when I have an appointment THAT early that shower is done the night before.  He knows this.  Overly cautious on his part?  I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, I really do.  I just wish he would PAY ATTENTION to what I tell him so this sort of thing didn't happen.  And again, if you think I'm being unreasonable, try going MONTHS with very little to no sleep and watch how protective you get with that vital and necessary process.

There's no way to bend or twist the events of this morning beginning at O'Dark:30.  I got over it pretty quickly with the infusion of a few cups of coffee.  But things didn't have to start out so damn badly.  They really didn't.

Consideration.  That's so very important to me.  It's the sister of respect and vital to any type of relationship.  Shit happens, I get that.  Shit happens because we're humans living on planet earth and it's in our very nature to have shit happens.  But a little respect and consideration goes a long way.  I don't get upset with him or blame him when his snoring still wakes me up in the other room.  He can't help it.  Some people snore, especially guys.  I wouldn't get upset if he had to go to the restroom in the middle of the night and woke me in the process.  That's a natural body function and anyone who BLAMES a person for that is totally messed up in the head, plain and simple.  But I don't see any reasonable excuse for ignoring when someone tells you something important.

I need sleep just like anyone else.  Is that just too much to ask?  Am I asking for the impossible by saying... Will you PLEASE listen to me when I'm talking?

*sigh*

Ever-Wondering Why I Bother to Give a Damn

It was a long holiday weekend filled with packing, moving a few loads over to the new house, and lots of anxiety having to be around T for that long.  I'm not being mean here, I assure you, but the magnitude in which he's "just not there" is ever more apparent when we're around each other too much.  And honestly, it drags me down and wears me out beyond words.  Not sure how I can handle this much longer.

I try very hard to be patient and understanding, but it's nearly impossible to feel those things when the other person is simply not trying at all.  I'm a ghost in my own household (notice I didn't say "home"), and the weight of being absolutely trapped is taking a tremendous toll on me both physically and emotionally.  Life isn't supposed to be this hard.

He's supposed to go visit his family in Florida next month, and no.. I'm not going.  By choice.  I'm simply not up to that long drive right now, and honestly... I really need the time alone; maybe I'll be able to breathe for once.  I'm a little scared I'll like being by myself much more than I realize.  Though it really wouldn't surprise me...as I crave space, peace, breathing room, a place to stretch these broken wings and try and remember what it feels like to fly.

...It was another weekend with my pointing out all the ways he tries to control me, how he treats me like a child, how he doesn't respect me... and as always it falls on deaf ears.  Oh, he vehemently INSISTS that he understands what I'm trying to say to him, that he gets it, that he will try harder, and so on..and on..and on..and on.  His words mean very little to me anymore, and his WORD... means even less.

I can't rely on him following through.

Honestly, I could understand his not being able to follow through on some things if there were a REASON.  But there's not.  He simply just... doesn't.  And it's very telling.

In the meantime I try desperately to hold on, to remember who I am, to remember my dreams, wishes, hopes, goals, and to remind myself that my needs matter too.  I also have to work on not being completely rolled over by him when he does this; and I have to say it's nearly impossible.  I mean, let's face it---I'm not the toughest person, and I'm sensitive to both people and environment.  And my environment right now is NOT conducive to happiness, joy, OR healing; three things of which I need desperately in my life.

How the hell did I get here?  Rhetorical question, really.  What I should be asking myself is 'How did I get here AGAIN?!'

Okay, so truth be told I'd have to say I HAVE asked myself that question and know how I got here again.  I'm not in the awful places that I've been in the past with relationships, but this one isn't healthy for me at all.  So what do I do so that I can thrive, live, and be able to breathe in my own space?

That's the million dollar question, isn't it?

And I'm working on that...

I am.  I have to.

HAVE to.

PART 2: Priorities revealed

Assuming you've read PART 1, I won't rehash the entire experience.  And I've spoken of my disappointment (for lack of a better word) in that T has the worst hierarchy of priorities that I've seen in a few years.  And in light of his absence during yesterday's procedure shows me more than ever where he is, who he is, and what he is.

When I was informed yesterday that the procedure I was having was more serious and carries far more risk than 'just' the biopsy I thought I was having, my radiologist asked me if I had anyone there with me.  The fact that I was alone in the section where I waited to be taken to my procedure didn't deter him from asking, because.. after all... I was the only patient there who didn't have anyone with them.

I told him T had dropped me off and went to work;  and he just looked at me for a moment, sat down, and began telling me (using straight-forward language) how "Tricky" the procedure I was going to have, how serious it was, and about the risks involved.  He said if I wanted to call T and give him an opportunity to come back to the hospital so he could be there as it's being done that they would hold off on performing the procedure until he arrived.  The radiologist left the room, and I called T...

T's reaction?  "Well, they have my contact information so that if anything happens they can call and I will come there."

I sat there for a split-second taking in his response, then was filled with the overwhelming need to hang up the phone, to NOT hear his voice at all.  And while this isn't the first time I've felt this reaction, it was by far the strongest I've felt.  I instantly went into self-preservation mode and wanted him nowhere near me.

The nurses, doctors, and other supportive medical staff were the only ones who made me feel like I wasn't completely alone.  I accepted that for what it was and allowed myself to just focus on what was about to happen and put T far, far out of my mind.  In fact, to be honest, he didn't enter my mind at all until at the end of recovery when I was told I was being released.

What does this mean?  That's not a question I'm asking myself, because I already know the answer.  I've been there, done that in the past with someone not giving a crap about my health, my well-being, and diminishing what I was going through or dealing with.  Has society really become a nation of zombies who have nothing but bricks for hearts?  I'm certainly beginning to think so.

I was supposed to go home and rest, not strain myself, no lifting, not even driving.  But T had other plans, ones that made HIS life ultimately easier.  Because that's what it all boils down to.  The aching in my neck and liver had begun, so I prayed that the medication I was given at the hospital would kick in soon and I at least wouldn't be in pain.

A heart cath is scheduled for the 19th of this month (November), and I was given a lab order to get blood work done prior to that day, as soon as possible.  T decided that since I was "Already out and about" that I should go to the lab to get the blood drawn.  I was painful, loopy, tired, and I wasn't at all up to walking through a parking garage and hospital in order to get blood drawn.  I just wanted to go home and rest.  That's all.  Just go home and rest.  But that wasn't about to happen.  T would have his way, and I would simply have to suck it up and deal with the unpleasantness.

This isn't the first time I've been with someone who lacks compassion, but at least I now know how to deal with it while protecting myself at the same time... thanks to a couple of past relationships.  At least I was smart enough to learn from the experiences, and while those lessons were necessary and taught me much, it doesn't mean I'm not feeling the effects of what's happening.

Deja vu.

I'm still processing everything, having just gone through this yesterday.  I've no real thoughts on the matter other than the obvious that one would expect to have after such.

I'll come to terms with things---perhaps when I feel stronger.

Narcissists Destroy Who they cannot Control

For anyone who may be involved with a narcissist, please watch/listen to this video.  It may be the very thing that changes your life... for the better.  If you know what you're dealing with, you can regain control over your own life and set yourself free... once and for all.  It's critical that you take charge, and take your life back before more damage is done.

PART 2: Selfishness as a matter of convenience (Where's the respect??)

I'm unimpressed.  I'm completely unimpressed by T, and by the way most guys treat women.  In my particular case, the disrespect is dehumanizing, demoralizing, belittling, and disappointing beyond anything I've known.  It's not just this relationship, but in the past as well.  My choices have NOT been the greatest, and my guess it's because I'm trusting and take people at face-value.  This is NOT a good thing.  At all.

As of yesterday a new low has been established, and I'm in no position to do anything about it.  Thus is the case when dealing with control freaks who refuse to see that they're actions are completely selfish and self-serving.  DON'T VOLUNTEER to do something for someone if you're only going to use it to gain control over that person!  DAMN!  How hard is that to understand?

All my doctor's appointments are now between my doctors and T.  Why?  Because ALL appointments aren't about what's necessary, or needed, or critical, or about doing tests etc in a 'timely fashion.'  Nope.  NOW my appointments are about what's convenient for T.  It's about what he does or does not feel like doing, what works with his schedule (he's been told he needs to use a lot of his leave or lose it), and none of it has a thing to do with... me, you know, the actual patient.

Yesterday was a disaster, stressful beyond reason, frustrating in that I'm basically told I no longer have any control on when or what time I get an appointment.  *sigh*  One major symptom of late makes it dangerous for me to drive much beyond a few miles of my house.  Dizziness/vertigo doesn't exactly translate into "safe driving."  So I'm stuck for the time being, screwed beyond reason, because I have to wait for T to decide when I can see my ENT or Neurologist regarding the severe tinnitus, vertigo and dizziness that's come on over the past couple of weeks.  I sit.  And I wait.  For HIM to decide when it's a good time to see the doctor about this.

Why the F***K am I here????!!!!  Being here is unhealthy, both physically and emotionally.  It's detrimental to my health and well-being, and the inner workings of living in this house with T has destroyed my quality of life.

Now, some of you know my recent history with relationships and know what I've gone through.  I also know what you're most likely going to say to me and expect that email eventually.  It's okay.  Send it on.  Maybe I need to hear that.. 'again.' ;)  Either way, you're most likely seeing something familiar in all of what I'm writing, in which case I will say... I do too.

More later.  I promise... the flood gates are open now...

Finally.

Signs of Emotional Abuse and How to Respond (Episode 16)

For you M... and for anyone who needs to hear this.  You know who you are, and you know how this feels.

PART 1: Selfishness as a matter of convenience

Selfishness is a part of all human nature.  When a person believes they're not selfish--they're lying to themselves.  The degree of selfishness matters, as does the reason, because in selfishness.. every detail does matter.  Some selfishness is necessary, and we all know this.  When someone wants you to help them and you have other plans that are 'higher on the proverbial totem pole,' then it's a matter of priorities.  Putting off taking your sick child to the doctor just so you can indulge a friend who needs to rant... is down-right insane.  In the pecking order of things---you simply do not harm another person with your selfishness.

Convenience.  Everyone understands this, right?  I know what it is.  You know what it is.  And this, like selfishness, has a hierarchy in which you determine what is right and what is wrong.  That really should go without saying.

I'm getting to the point here, but I'm also indulging in non-emotional verbiage in order to get control of the raging emotions within.  It's NOT easy, I'll tell you.  Just bear with me for a moment as I attempt to gain a little control here before going off completely.

I've spoken about my health issues, so many of you know some of it is a bit on the scary side.  I don't sit around in fear worrying all of the time about it, but I also don't completely ignore it thinking things will miraculously get better.  The way things are right now I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  Truly.  I never thought I could feel this bad.

Today....

Things began in the usual way, with me trying to drag myself through a few mundane tasks and telling myself I'm going to get better, while in the next moment wondering if I can stand even one more day of it all.  Not just the health issues, which are awful, but with this 'relationship' (for lack of a better descriptive word).  I believe a person can deal with just about anything if they have a strong support network (which I don't), and also if their physical environment is conducive to healing  If your living environment is stressful, depressing, hollow, empty, uninspiring... and more, you will have to do some serious magic to pull yourself up and out of whatever awful place you're in, both emotionally and physically/medically.

I have yet another CT w/contrast to go through.  This one is for my lungs, to further evaluate the nodule, the unexplained scarring, etc.  They had to put it off for about 3 months because I had a CT without contrast, which means they couldn't get all the information they needed.  Honestly, it worries me how many of these imaging sessions I've had.  Too many.  But it is what it is.

My pulmonologist's secretary wasn't aware that I had a CT scheduled for the 18th, so when I called about some other test results (that aren't back in yet), she told me that she needed to make the appt for me.  She chose the 9th.  When I sent T a text to let him know when it was, he immediately went to "THAT" place where everything becomes all about convenience.  What it really comes down to are priorities and where I am on that list.  Where am I?...the bottom.

Some appointments I can't drive myself to and from, because they require someone to drive me.  T has an enormous amount of accrued leave time available, about a month actually, and so if he has to take me to an appt, etc., it doesn't do any financial harm, and his boss has already said he needs to use some of that leave.  He volunteered, and now he wants to complain about the dates and times of my appointments.  SO... today I made a decision....

I told T that from now on my appointment will be between HIM and the person setting the appointment.  I'm going to completely remove myself from the process because it seems these appointments are really about my health, but what is convenient for HIM.  What was his response?  "Okay."  He feels pretty good about himself right now.

There's really no other way to take this situation, no other way to see it other than what it EXACTLY is---selfishness in full swing.  Never mind that the doctor says he wants a test or procedure done by a certain time, as soon as possible, etc.  It's not about that... at least to T.  And he refuses to care that the longer these things are put off the longer I will be this sick.  Things are completely out of hand in the world of control freaks.  It's the truth.  And why the F**K do I always end up with control freaks anyway?  Well, it's not been in every relationship---there've been ones in the distant past that weren't like that.

And please, don't make the mistake of equating selfLESSness with buying someone things.  There are FAR FAR greater kindnesses, trust me.  Such as--treating someone with kindness and respect, being there for them when things are bad, listening to them without judgment, and actually putting their health, happiness, etc... ABOVE what's CONVENIENT.

Do you think being sick or dealing with a chronic illness is CONVENIENT for the person who's sick?  HELL NO!  No one wants to be this sick, so sick that they would do ANYTHING to feel better.  NO ONE wants a shitty quality of life.  So when you (using the word "You" loosely here) indulge in the 'This is so inconvenient for me" for me mindset, you're showing your true colors and actually causing harm to the person who's sick.  I mean, if you can't muster any empathy, compassion, or caring, if your give-a-shitter is THAT whacked, then by all means remove yourself from that person's life so they can HEAL!!!

In all honesty, I remember the last relationship I had where I DIDN'T feel as if I were better off alone, and it was a LONG LONG time ago.  Since then, I've usually ended up in a situation that left me feeling like the very best thing for me was to be single, because there was a total absence of health-destroying stress.  And I don't think I have to go on about the levels of stress, the differences between that which motivates and that which can kill.

I can't fix someone's lack of compassion.  I can't explain to them (where they'd get it) that buying something for someone who needs emotional support, love, compassion, etc... only makes themselves feel better.  Because it surely doesn't do a damn thing for the person who's suffering.

No offense to the guys reading this, but... if you're one of those men who find yourself saying "I bought x, y, z for you, so I DO care!"... then you may have a problem.  UNLESS that something you bought actually changed their life long-term.. the way true kindness and compassion does.  Not to say that gifts can't represent compassion, etc.. because they often do.  But you have to pay attention to what that person really needs, what they communicate to you.  Because when you don't, you miss the mark.

I'm angry right now because my situation, my health, etc. isn't being taken seriously by T.  It's damaging, stressful...which makes it more damaging.  "I" take it seriously.  My doctors take it seriously.  But T continues to do things that either undo all the work I've done thus far, or he does things that literally thwarts my efforts.

..... PART 2 will be next.  I have to gather my VERY scattered thoughts at the moment.

Testing patience, and those damn zombies

Patience is a virtue--blah, blah, blah.  No.. patience is a skill!  I used to have nearly endless patience, but I was taught over the past few years that too much patience extended incorrectly can turn you into a doormat.  Doesn't meant to say that patience isn't good or necessary (because it is in most cases), but you have to know when enough is enough.  Obviously, I haven't learned this particular lesson or skill myself, as I continuously allow far too much that wrecks my peace, tranquility, and overall health.  Enough is enough.  Right?

I've been told that if someone is complaining a lot that they're just 'negative.'  What I learned from an expert is actually the opposite.  While complaining about what negative things are going on in one's life may appear negative in itself, it's actually a side effect of seeking answers, resolutions, and working towards understanding of the situation.  It took me a while to understand and accept that it's a natural part of a necessary process, though, but I now understand what's going on and why it's okay, sometimes, to vent.  Some of this most people already know.  In the end, if someone is complaining about x, y, and/or z... listening can be of SO much benefit to that person.  And for those who proclaim that the person's 'negative energy' is wrecking their day, their mood, etc... you may want to consider that it's not that person's 'energy' that's wrecking anything.. it's your perception and resulting Reaction that changes things on your side.

Research, for example, has shown that in times of stress, anxiety, anger, etc... using the 'F' word actually lowers blood pressure!  Funny, I know... but absolutely true.  When it comes to complaining, as long as the person is venting the pressure they feel in the process... then it helps.  If the complaining is merely a habit---then it's most likely a groove they've gotten themselves into, rather than an immediate stressor they're trying to work through.

If I had a dollar for every time someone says they're a "Good listener".... I'd be rich.

There are good listeners, and there are some who completely and totally SUCK at it.  And should you ever REALLY need someone to talk to you better know which people in your life fall into which category.  If you trust the wrong person and let it all out, you're likely to feel far worse than had you said nothing at all; I think we've all been there.  Just a little inventory of your personal social network can tell you a great deal about whom you can trust.  And by "personal social network" I mean just that.  Not online social network ONLY, but the people you interact with, be it online or off.

The enablers...

These types of people listen, all right, but their usual reaction is to commiserate with you.  This is neither appropriate or helpful.  There is a difference between 'understanding' and 'commiserating.'  People understand may offer up something to let you know they've 'been there, done that and understand what you're going through.'  There's nothing wrong with that at all, and it makes the person who needs to talk feel much better about their situation.  But then there's the OTHER type, the ones who jump right in and complain heavily about their own experiences, tell you their entire life story, then tell you why you should keep feeling the way you do.  These people are easily recognized because you walk away from the situation feeling much worse, and also feeling like there's really little hope.  They in effect enable whatever negative emotion you're feeling while jumping on board and adding fuel to the fire.  Not to be confused with those who are offering up good advice while being emotional about it.

The Borg...

Think I'm kidding here? lol  I call some people 'Borg' when they harbor both contempt and indifference to your pain.  As you vent these people appear completely detached, and quite often respond with a little more than a grunt or canned response (if they really respond at all) while also trying to change the subject to something more palatable to them.  These types are actually quite dangerous to your situation, because on some very deep level they want you to feel worse.  Sounds crazy, yes?  These folks often KNOW you're feeling bad, down, etc... and ASK WHY you're feeling that way, only to respond with impatience, contempt, and sometimes even anger.  And this is IF they work themselves out of their own disinterest in you and your situation.  Steer clear of these types!

The zombies...

Many of us have watched enough zombie movies etc to know what zombies do.  Zombies are consumed by their own needs, self-interest, and will take whatever it is they want, no matter what it takes to do so.  They feel nothing, and they're relentless.  The only driving force is the all-consuming hunger to 'feed,' and they don't care if the person they're 'feeding on' is a family member, friend, loved one.  Zombies are consumed by 100% self-interest.  Period.  Oh, and there's the that lack of humanity thing.  Sounds like a lot of human beings, doesn't it?

While these zombie types don't try and eat your face off, they will still utterly consume you piece by piece until there's little left of you; and what is left is barely recognizable.  This type of person is by far the most dangerous of all.  This type of person psychologists refer to as narcissists.

Of course, the analogy of the zombie here is used somewhat loosely because I'm not talking about people who have no pulse, aren't breathing, and who eats the flesh of another human being.  Silly as it is for me to say that, I still feel I must.  But let me also clarify something---if you put everything a zombie is into an actual living, breathing person... it's pretty frightening.

My past relationships have included Zombies and Borgs, and those experiences nearly destroyed me as a person.  Truth.

Guys and epic failures: The humor and the hurt

A friend of mine (who now lives on the east coast) called me the other day out of the blue to share something both heartbreaking...and hilarious.  The conversation began very teary on her part, but after a good hour of talking we were both laughing, and I mean REALLY laughing.  She and I have known each other for several years now, and we have shared pretty much EVERYTHING.  Sometimes our shares were incidental, sometimes on purpose, but we really ended up knowing probably far too much about each other's private lives, which means... we're pretty damn comfortable talking about anything our hearts' desire.  Yesterday was one such day.

I will refer to my friend as R in order to keep her anonymous...

Skipping over the tearful parts (because she reads my blogs) I will say that the entire subject matter of our 3 hour+ conversation was primarily about guys and their epic failures in relationships.  Now, for the couple of guy friends who I've given my blog addresses to... you know I'm not referring to you!  Some guys are sweet, genuine, real gentleman...to say the least, but those guys are very, VERY rare, and I will tell you this---you will NOT meet those great guys online.  Sorry to burst the bubbles of those on dating sites, but... you simply won't.  Advice---save yourself the grief of even going there (online dating sites), because pretty much everyone I've ever met, with the exception of one person who met her guy on a Christian dating site (one you pay for), has found that there's mostly riffraff on there.  And ladies...seriously, it does NOT matter what they guy does for a living or how much money he has!  Just don't go there!

Okay, so R's ex (a recent event, btw) seemed to have been maintaining his profile on a popular dating site...the entire time he was with her.  God, but her story sounds just like mine with my ex!  She found out via another friend who is also on the site...when he showed up in her searches (same thing that happened to me).  So as she cried and expressed her shock, bewilderment, hurt, and anger over the phone... I remained quiet, thoughtful, and listening, because I have been where she is now, and it's one seriously ugly place to be.

I think it probably took her a good 2-30 minutes of crying and venting before she took that deep breath, sighed, and waited for me to respond.  She already knew my history, which means she knew I would understand.  And I do.  I told her how sorry I was that she had to go through that, and I told her she had every single right to feel outraged for what was done to her by this "guy" (whom I did not ever refer to as a "man" for obvious reasons).  Then she began to gush details, ones that in the light of day and 'after the fact' are really... well, rather hilarious.

She spoke of his quirks, personality flaws, and especially about his sexual inadequacies, ones he apparently was quite proud of.  I have to wonder if all guys are clueless to the things THEY like... that simply don't work for women?  So we talked about this for a bit, about why guys sometimes do what they do in the bedroom when it only benefits them and leaves their partner... well, unsatisfied.. or turned off completely.  With the latter in mind, the real conversation began.  She spoke of how the last year of their relationship she'd gone completely bored with him, sexually, how everything he did was for himself, and how he seemed shocked and angry because she was losing interest and couldn't hide it any longer.  She spoke of conversations she had with him that, at the time, seemed SO serious...when in retrospect were completely laughable.  Hindsight, you know... lol  I've had many revelations like that myself.

I felt for her as she told me in great bloody detail how her guy had failed repeatedly to perform.  "Hours.  We would do it for hours, with his talking and moaning and going on and on and on.  I mean, he was so into his performance, into himself that I think he completely forgot I was even there!  What the hell?"  After a moment's pause and neither of us saying anything... we both started laughing.  Suddenly the unspoken part of our mutual understanding of such things became something we could laugh about.  This is a good thing.

She told me that he was attempting to perform OS on her and that after some time of his robotic performance she told him to stop...to just stop.  Wow, I have to say this one really hit home for me, because the very last time "I" enjoyed or even wanted OS this was done to me, as punishment (a subject for another day).  And when she said, "I told him that was it. I didn't want him to ever do that to me again!"  Well, we can certainly say this was an epic failure on his part.  And as R talked... I could see, like with my previous situation, that this really was the beginning of the end for her.

She spoke of issues beyond sex, the cruelty, the way he made himself scarce in her life... leaving her wide open for meeting someone else, etc.  How is it, we both wondered, that guys can be that blind to the things they do that change the way their GF's or wives feel about them?..only to go on to blame her for the relationship eroding?  It's a mystery, I'll tell ya.  A mystery.  But R and I had a lot of laughs as we talked, and she at least was able to get to a point in the conversation where she was focusing on what she REALLY wanted in a guy, a relationship, rather than the time wasted with someone who honestly didn't have her best interest in mind anyway.

"He's not going to even notice I'm gone until, during sex, he looks down and sees that I'm actually not there!" lol  I will never forget that phrase!  Hilarious.

I'd asked a guy friend of mine about 3 years ago why some men behave this way, and he said that not all guys do, then added... "A lot of guys are attracted to themselves" and added that if the woman makes HIM feel sexy then he feels attracted to her for that reason, that men can actually be turned on by their own performance in bed, rather than the women they're actually in bed with.  WOW!  I was really shocked to hear this, though I shouldn't have been given my experience.

My friend, whom I will call "C," is extremely intelligent, has a lot of guy friends, women friends, and is fairly open and blunt when he speaks.  He'd been warning me about my situation nearly the entire time as he saw things in my relationship that were, in his words, huge warning signs.  Should I have listened to him?  I don't know, because I believe that everyone that comes into our lives are there for a reason, and it's usually to teach us something.  In my case, a couple of things broke, and I mean really broke that I'm pretty sure can't ever be repaired.  The experience changed me so significantly in a couple of ways that I just don't see those parts of me ever returning to what they were prior to the relationship.

I can't really can't say here what it is that's broke so completely due to account settings.  I'm not sure if anyone 'under age' has stumbled across my blogs or not, so I have to keep some of this on the down-low.... until I change my settings back again to include a warning for adult content.  Until then, let's just suffice it to say that while I mourn the parts of me that were shattered in that relationship I do recognize the protective stance I've taken since then.  My trust in guys is severely diminished due to what I went through, and I don't allow anyone to reach that vital part of me, of who I am.  Maybe this would change if I resumed therapy, which I had to resort to after the break up so I could repair most of what was damaged.  But, I'm not exactly sure I'm ready for that, because a huge part of me likes things just as they are.

The person I'm with right now has been flourishing in the 'epic fail' department.  He knows, and he's not given any of it any real thought, time, attention, nor is he made any effort to work on things.  His bad, because I'm beyond arms-length now and am completely focused on my health and well-being, rather than him.  It was a natural course of events as my health plummeted under the onslaught of the past and the damaging effects of the now.  As controlling as the previous relationship was, this one is as controlling...but in a very different way.  Either way, control doesn't work for me, and I am going to give absolutely everything I have to regaining my health, self-esteem, and repairing my damaged self-respect.  These are the only things that matter right now.

R and I had a good conversation, and one that ended with us both laughing.  I think she's going to break free from those traumatic bonds and move forward as a strong, single woman.  She isn't up for another relationship, and I can certainly understand that on SO many levels!  For me, I refuse to be another afterthought, slave, or punching bag for any guy.  If I'm not appreciated, then I will appreciate myself first and foremost.  It's the least I can do.

The conversation with R has reminded me of things I'd left for dead in my recent past.  So be it.  I'm sure I needed reminding for some reason.  Maybe that will be my motivation to plug ahead with getting my health in check, to become stronger inside and out, and to also remind myself that the choices I've made in light of my past are mine to make and mine to keep.  What's done is done, and thought I came out on the other side of things somewhat broken, changed... it's probably for the best.

I'm going to finish the other portions of this on my other blogs.  Things have turned a corner...

PART 2: Artumentative---The art of arguing.

Told you there would be a part 2.  If you've not read part 1 you may want to do that now... otherwise, you could end up confused.

I know what I have to do.  I've always known what I have to do.  The trick is being allowed to do what it is I have to do.  Oh, and what is this thing I have to do?  It's obvious, isn't it?  I have to take my life back!  This isn't as easy as it sounds.  Well, in some circumstances it can be quite easy, such as when you don't have anyone hovering over you and fighting against that very thing.  One has to adapt an extremely stubborn and determined mind-set in order to succeed in that environment.  And me, well, I don't have much of a determined mind-set at the moment.  Being anemic and not having any treatment as of yet is causing the wind to miss my sails, so to speak.  I'm struggling.

Every single day I try to find my motivation, and every single day thus far it's been a total failure.  I mean, I can feel that drive somewhere inside me, but my body feels so horrible, so weak, painful.. that I can't seem to make myself GET THERE.  Every day I try again, though.  Every.  Single.  Day.

I have to find a way.  My physical and mental health are both suffering at the moment, and dammit if I have to constantly work around T to keep from buckling under this mess.  Dammit, will you just let me live!?!  I can't breathe.  And I need life experiences to find myself again.

Living.  God, but I've not been doing that for so long.  While I don't feel well enough to want to go do anything, anything at all... I live with someone who, while very healthy, chooses to NOT do anything.  Content to simply sit in front of a T.V., he does absolutely nothing that he doesn't HAVE to do.  And even the things that people do because they really need to... he won't.  He's "Life lazy" in every way you could imagine.  Me... I'm terrified that the rest of my life will simply pass without my having wonderful experiences, making new memories, or feeling as if I am actually alive.

So tell me, how the hell do I get back to my life?  I will make my own experiences, my own memories, and live life... even if I embark on those journeys alone.  I'd rather do them alone than not do them at all.  Period.  T will fight me on this.

T will have no interest in the things I do, want to do, need to do.  But he will want to tag along.  He won't 'get' what I'm doing and will have absolutely no intention on being present.  But he will insist on tagging along, knowing he will be the reason the experience is not only cut short, but lost.  I've been through this before, which I believe was the catalyst that made this fire that's burning my life from the inside-out.. a raging inferno that threatens everything I am.

History, our history, has led to my giving up.  Oh, but how I tried to keep what vitality I still had (despite my health deteriorating).  When I decided to go somewhere, anywhere, simply to get out of the house and out of my head so I could think about anything other than being sick, it would end it total disaster.  Because T insisted on tagging along.  Even if I only ended up going to Starbuck's, or walking around a store to "Window shop."  It didn't matter.  Within 20 minutes he was acting asking how much longer it was going to be before we left.  Every single time.  I grew to hate going anywhere with him, because he doesn't LIKE to go anywhere or do anything.  And he doesn't like the idea that I DO.  In the middle of whatever it was I was doing... he would blurt out how late it is, or how tired he was, or how bored he was.  OMG, WTF did you want to come with me if you knew you wouldn't enjoy it??????!!!!!!!!

*sigh*

So what will I do moving forward?  That's easy.  I will tell him I'm doing X, Y, or Z on my own.  My life will be the better for it.  And he can sit in front of a television.

Oh, and I'm guessing you're thinking that maybe I should've asked what HE would like to do.  I have, hence the statement that he doesn't want to do anything.  The couple of times he has said what he wants to do... it always involved either eating, or going to a movie.  Sorry.  That sounds WAY too much like what we do at home.  Watch T.V. and eat meals.  Ugh.  I can't stand it anymore.  LIFE isn't eating and watching television, or being on Facebook every spare minute.

Nope.  This is MY life.  I am going to LIVE my life on my own terms.  I have to.  My life actually depends on it.

Dark Kiss: A crossover from my alter ego blog "All Things Ephemeral."

The memory of scent, what people call "Aromatherapy."  We've all been there and understand what it is and how powerful it can be.  So I'll skip explaining that further.  Instead, I'm going to focus on something that may help me back to 'me' again, rediscovering who I am and resurrecting what lay beneath all I carry.  Thank you, Bath & Body Works...for taking me back.... to me.

I guess I sound a little silly, right?  lol I don't mind if you think I do.  I'm happy about this.  And frankly, sounding silly is the least of my worries these days.

It's unsettling, really, having to resort to aromatherapy and other outside measures to remind me of where I was a year ago.  But whatever works.  And this does, in part, work very well to take me back...

Back to when I was calm and happy, on my own.
Back to when I felt better.  And though I didn't feel 100%...I felt 100% better than I do right now.
Back to when I still saw so much hope and possibility.
Back to when coming home felt like the most beautiful place in the world.
Back to when I was comfortable--not just with me, but with many aspects of my life.
Back to when I had the energy to indulge in my photography, doll art.
Back to when simply stepping outside, no matter the weather, felt amazing.
Back to when even spending time at home alone was peaceful and fulfilling.
Back to when I recognized who I was and where I was.

I may not have always known where I fit within this world, but I always found my way back if I got lost along the way and knew, for a time, that I just simply fit.  And that's all I needed really.

Living alone didn't always mean being alone.  I relished my 'me time' and didn't despair when I had more than enough alone time on my hands.  Oh, there were times I thought I was lonely, but looking back shows me that I had no reason to be.  And though I longed for romantic love, REAL love, not having it was never a cause for grief for me.  There was plenty of love, because of my kids.  But the whole romantic notion of love was a longing, but not a depressing one that came with a sense of emptiness.  Usually, in my time on planet earth I learned early that brand of emptiness came when I was with someone who had fallen out of love with me, or when I was with someone and realizing I shouldn't be.  No.. the lack of romantic love when I'm alone isn't a bad thing at all, though one would think so.  I mean, aren't most people driven to find their soulmate?  Something I don't believe in anymore, btw.

My place in the world now is one of complexity.  There are difficulties I deal with, certainly, but they are what they are and are simply parts of the whole, but not 'the whole.'  My biggest problem is not recognizing anything.  Have you felt this?  And trying to make order from the chaos is tiring, to say the least.  As an adult.. I should be given more respect and space to make decisions about my life, health, and how I need to proceed to become the most healthy 'me' I can.  And this, friends, is where everything falls apart.  No space.  No respect.  I can't breathe when someone is standing on my lifeline.

So I'm sitting here at the moment, blissfully alone, and surrounded by the scent of the past, reminding me of who I am and what I need to reconnect with in order to heal.  This, for a moment, is allowing me to breathe, and also to take in all the possibility I have to believe still exists.

....Stand out of my way.  Let me breathe.  Let me live.

The Art of Self-Preservation, Control Freaks, Indifference, and Mastering Compassion

Been there, done that, and doing it again.  It's built-in now, I suppose, that automatic retreat/withdrawal to assume the emotional posturing of protectiveness.. of self.  I'm fairly sure that it's just one of those things that are an integral part of me now, a learned response that I've had a few years to become quite proficient at.  All said, I don't see it as a bad thing.

Weekends are hard now, difficult in many ways because I can't retreat so a safe [physical] place so I can catch my breath and find my bearings.  Maybe it's for the best, really, because that would give me far too much time to contemplate the questions I believe I really don't want the answer to.  Such as.. why do people do the things they do to someone they claim to love, and why remorse, apologies, and just simple human kindness is lost on people now... my better half included?  That's definitely a rhetorical question, because that question most likely doesn't have an answer.  Not a all-inclusive answer, anyway.  So be it.  Maybe it's just one of those unpleasant phenomenons that you just learn to cope with, or not, depending on who you are, your past history, etc.  Either way, I don't cope with this sort of thing well, and its effects on me.. suck in every way imaginable.

No one said life was going to be easy all of the time, and those of us with open minds and hearts know all too well how the hard parts serve to teach and strengthen us.  I'm no exception.  I know the value of lessons learned, very much, and they've changed me along the way in my life.  They had to.  Anyone who doesn't change in the process of growing is just spinning their wheels.  I mean, how do you expect to move forward and become the person you are meant to be if you're sitting stagnant in some kind of fairytale land of your own making?  And you guys know that place---we all do--- and it's often a place people retreat to rather than facing and dealing with a situation.  I've never lived in that fantasy world, and I never will.

But there are those who make it very difficult, the people or person in our lives that attempt to micromanage ever move we make, the way we think, and what we do.  Too often those people (or person) attempts to filter our lives through their own.  What I mean by this is... those people who filter who and what you are, your life choices, your wants, needs, passions, wishes, dreams, philosophies, even your decisions through themselves, thus trying to force you to be, think, act, and feel just like them.  If you allow someone to do this to you, I promise, you will lose yourself along the way.

As you lose control, and this can happen in a slow and insidious way, you will see the negative effects in your life, your person, you body, and even in your spirit.  It's a lot like being crushed from the inside-out.  It's damaging.  It's dangerous.  And it will wreck you in the end.

Who wants to be disassembled piece by piece?


On the flip side of these controlling people is the indifference.  It shows itself when you try to be who you are, live like you're in YOUR life and not anyone else's.  Their response can be anything from being flippant to utter indifference.  The latter is often the case, I've found.  I guess it's just easier for them because it requires very little effort.  But that indifference is felt in every core of your being when it happens, doesn't it?  I know a few of you guys have felt this.

Not to say that indifference doesn't happen in normal situations, because it absolutely does!  And even the controlling part.. it's there in all of us, but not to a harmful degree like in those who succumb to it on a regular basis.  But they're there, because we're human.

There's a reason they refer to this as "Cold indifference."  There's nothing warm or loving about it, so the phrase fits like it was tailor-made.

Sure, people can feel indifferent to things, places, actions, laws.... and the list goes on and on.  But that's not what I'm talking about here.  I'm talking about the indifference to a person, the dehumanizing, demoralizing, and hurtful manner in which one displays their lack of compassion.  It's not hard to understand, really.  I mean, if you've felt compassion for anyone or anything in your lifetime, you know what I mean by this.  And if you've never felt compassion.. then, well.. let's just say I'm not here to discuss sociopaths and leave it at that.

Compassion comes easily to some, and not so much in others.  Duh, right?  But I have to state this clearly because there are so many people out there who REALLY don't get it, that there are folks who have to struggle for compassion and don't understand that it is sometimes something you have to actively practice to master.

But we feel it when it's absent, don't we?  We know when someone lacks compassion, because it displays prominently in everything that person does and doesn't do.  And when we're met with it in a personal way...it hurts.

Whether it comes easily to you or not, always practice compassion.  Never ever allow yourself to sink into that cold place where compassion dies.  Feel.  Love.  And never allow yourself to sink into indifference.  Because indifference may or may not change that other person, but it will ALWAYS change YOU.  Fact.

I'm no expert.  I am flawed.  I am not better than anyone else.  Nor do I see myself as 'enlightened.'  I do, however, know that I leave my heart open and exposed to others... because you have to risk yourself a bit to feel compassion.  You guys know that.  It's risky.  Always risky.  But oh so worth the risk.  Because I believe with all of my heart that if you open yourself up..that love and energy flows both ways.  Yes, you risk being hurt, but you also risk being loved.

So, what exactly does this have to do with me?  And yes, I realize that I often choose to talk in generalities to tell you what's going on in my life.  I'm not fighting that approach to exposing my life online, because that's where I am right now.

Indifference.  Lack of compassion.  Losing myself and reaching in the dark to find 'me' again.  It's just where I am.  I make no apologies for this, and I won't ever.

Dealing with illness is hard.  Dealing with not having much control in your life is hard.  Dealing with the knowns and unknowns with health issues is hard.

I will keep on reaching in the dark as long as I have to.

No one said life was going to be easy all of the time.