Home.

One thing I've known for certain for pretty much all of my life is that when I'm ill, I long for home.  When I was little I knew where that place was, and despite its terrible flaws it was still home.  As an adult I was surprised to find that I no longer knew exactly where home was.  So I would spend the majority of my adult life longing for a place that quite possibly, for me anyway, doesn't exist.  I've never been able to reconcile this; not physically, and certainly not emotionally.

The closest I've come to being "Home" once moving out of my mom's house at 18 is Mobile, AL.  I had a tiny little apartment, and though not every moment there was perfect, it felt safe, and it felt like a warn welcome every time I walked through the door--no matter how good or bad things were.  It was a safe place for me to be myself, where I could decompress, where I could dream, wish, hope and feel alive.  This is not the case where I am now.  Not even close.

How did I get here?  I got here the same way I got into every bad situation in my life; By pure blind trust.  It's a flaw of mine and one that's gotten me into more trouble than I can tell you.  I give people the benefit of the doubt, take them on their word, and actually believe what they say.  Well, to a point anyway.  The thing is, that 'point' in which I pivot and see the error of my ways is usually far too late to avoid any damage to my life, and to me.

I'll probably always be this way, a far too trusting person.  I'm okay with that, I guess.  But I really wish I were better at assessing and discerning the heart and motives of people BEFORE I get involved.  We all have our flaws, I suppose.

As I wait for the sluggish process of diagnosis beyond the AIH, I'm left far too vulnerable for my liking.  There are days I can't walk well, verging on not at all, and days where lifting my arms to look at my phone is almost too much.  The weakness grows more each day and the doctors I need to see are weeks out of reach since I'll be a new patient.  The waiting is going to end me in the ER at some point, I'm afraid.  But the worst of this is being this sick and living in a place where I know absolutely no one at all.

T only helps around here bare minimum, and as the chores, etc. pile up... I long for the simplicity of the life I had in Mobile, where I didn't have to clean up after another human who refuses to do what's necessary to not live in a dirty, cluttered house.  I can't live this way, so I struggle to pick up the slack.  And I'll tell you, the slack is far far more than what T actually does.

How the hell did he survive on his own?

I have to somehow find my way home--wherever that is.  I know I can keep struggling a little bit to find my way here, to at least hang in there until I'm better---or at least better enough to survive, to move, to do something to help myself.  At this rate I don't know if I can work, which scares that crap out of me.  Disability requires a definite diagnosis, and at this time I don't have one that explains fully how I'm continuing to weaken and become more and more sick.  What can I do if even typing an entry like this makes me shaky and nauseated with weakness?

I want to be well again, to feel good again, to have energy again.  I want to be in a position where I can find my way back home again.

Home.  I just want to be... home.

Watching the sun from my bedroom window.

NOTE: I spent a good deal of time on my other blog "All Things Ephemeral," just in case you're curious about that.  A few updates, etc.

My days are spent mostly in my room.  "My room" is basically my personal space for creativity, decompressing, etc.  It's become where I sleep now due to the fact that I toss and turn most of the night due to pain.  T snores something awful, which makes sleeping worse.  So we can BOTH sleep, we've decided to take that up in separate rooms... which does help.  I couldn't sleep at all with a freight train next to me. :/

My room has two tall windows which are covered by light colored/natural bamboo roman blinds.  I keep the blinds closed, but diffused light still comes through.  My days aren't terribly happy ones--to say the least, and depression is with me much of the time.  I mean, who wouldn't be depressed being sick and painful 24hrs a day?  But I'm in there trying to relax, trying to feel better---waiting to feel better, occasionally searching my phone to amuse myself when I can't sleep, and listening to music when I'm up to it.  I love music, but sometimes I'm so painful that I need absolute quiet.  Yes.. it sucks big time.

Last night was a very difficult night for me.  Let me first say that when I have moments when it all just overwhelms me, it's not that I feel sorry for myself.  What I do feel is immense frustration that my body has become my worst enemy.  I wait things out, am careful, try to exercise but fail miserably, and my body doesn't respond to anything.  Anything that is except prednisone, and i'm NOT taking that again.  So my days are spent ticking off the minutes, the hours... until the day is gone and lost forever.

In the mornings the sun rises and brings light through my bedroom window, and I'm filled with hope. Hope that today will be better, that the pain will finally subside, that I can move without weakness, without all this pain.  Those thoughts carry me through the day until the day is gone, done, when the light changes and signals that the opportunity has passed... again.

The sun rises and sets outside of my room, signaling only one thing--that I lost that battle again.

Last night, late evening as the sun began to set, and like so many other times... I felt despair wash over me.  I couldn't stop it, and in many ways didn't want to.  I needed to feel this in order to move past it all.

So sick of all of this.

Those Damn Dreams Again.

I'm not into actual dream journals and feel I don't need to focus on those little mind-movies.  Sure, I understand it's my subconscious trying to work out a few issues or problems, etc., but some of the dreams I have just leave me shaking my head in confusion, bewilderment, and the occasional emotional reaction.  I won't go into the dream itself because it was mostly just symbolism and random persons, none of whom I actually know.  The point, really, is more so what I was thinking about before I went into that sleep--the place where reality makes itself known in a chaos of seemingly unrelated artifacts.

Music is often the vessel in which I obtain sleep, and many times it means I'm hearing the music/song as I drift in and out of sleep with snippets of fractured dreams that fail to completely reveal themselves.  Rarely do dreams or this twilight sleep offer much in the way of understanding, but every now and then something bursts to the surface---taking my breath away when it does.  Normally I just allow the emotions to wash over me and not fight against what I know can't bode well for me if it stays hidden deep and buried.

It didn't bring me to tears, this realization, but it certainly knocked me out of that drowsiness for a few.  I was lucky in that it didn't exactly steal my sleep or leave me shattered.  Still, there is a reckoning in that realization and one I will have to deal with no matter what.  However, I will say that the stark reality I saw and felt only confirmed what I already knew, something that hums in the background as life goes on.  It's there.  I accept what it is.  And I've no idea what to do with it.

Let me move to a different subject, because I'm really not sure what I'm trying to say, and I'm not willing yet to reveal what this truth is...

Moving on...

So I found out today that one of the risks with a medication I'm on is dependancy.  It's for the GI tract, so who would suspect something like that could be addictive?  Geez.  Well, I shouldn't be on it long enough for that to happen.  But dang, do pharmaceutical companies EVER think about the cost and benefits of their medications?  I doubt it.

I'm freezing today--another side effect of weaning off Prednisone, unfortunately.  And it's the kind of cold that makes your hands and feet like ice, the kind that you can't shake off and are forced to simply wait it out.  This is my day today.

I'm feeling badly right now so need to go lay down... it will be my headphones, my music, and my thoughts for a bit....

Deciphering Dreams is Like Trying to Fold Clothes With Your Mind.

I remember most of my dreams.  Most of the time they really don't strike me as anything important.  But there are times when I wonder WTH my subconscious is doing when I get one of the weirder versions and WTH I'm supposed to do with the message(s)?  Most of the time I don't even bother trying, and I simply allow that strange, haunted feeling to carry me throughout the day.  Basically, I usually let it sort itself out.  Only thing is, last night's dreams (yes, plural) had an odd message, and one I'm not used to hearing.

Now, I have to say I don't believe all the 'dream interpretation' stuff out there.  For the most part what I see is just new age rhetoric nuzzled closely with religion/anti-religion belief systems, and I tend to think that dreams are 'mostly' our subconscious trying to work things out--simple Psychology 101.   Not to say that prophetic dreams don't happen, because I believe they do.  I just happen to believe that's not the case most of the time.  Having said that....

I dreamed of dying.  And not in some bleak, spooky, Stephen King sort of imagery, but rather something that felt practical but softly urgent.  My take is that those dreams had a lot to do with what I learned yesterday when I received copies of my lab results.  While alarming, I've not been given any kind of death sentence or any real cause to panic.  Nothing like that so far.  What I'm taking away from what I learned is that I need to be aware.  I can do that.  But my subconscious did have a field day with it.

Some of my dreams leave me haunted by the way things felt within them, and last night's dreams have done just that.  Okay.  Maybe I'm supposed to feel this way in order to affect some change.  Makes sense to me.

I'm choosing to not overthink the imagery or feelings those dreams of dying invoked, because it's virtually impossible to know exactly what they mean, what their purpose is, or even what I'm supposed to do with the information.  The more I think about it, the more confused and 'off' I feel.

Deciphering your dreams really is a lot like trying to fold clothes with your mind.  You can sit and stare and concentrate on them until your head hurts, but the wrinkles and folds and chaos remains unchanged....

Where do they dream?

I guess in a too-short life dreams become more of a necessity than an option.  Guarantees of tomorrow, or even an hour from now, simply don't exist.  NO ONE has been given a guarantee that they won't wink out in the next instant.  Kind of a 'duh' statement, isn't it?  I mean, we know this, but yet... we don't know this.  With every decision we make we prove to the world at large how we still feel immortal, and yet it's a whole lot like walking the edge of the cliff.. at night.. with sunglasses on. Which little misstep or prophecy of nature will send us over the edge when we least expect it?

Yes.  It's lunacy to focus on mortality.  But it's genius to be aware and not take things for granted.  What's YOUR life IQ?

If I had a dollar for every time I heard someone say 'Don't take life for granted,' I'd be a very wealthy woman right now.  Saying it is easy.  Putting it into practice is an entirely different thing.  So how do I put it in practice?  Crazy as it sounds, I don't hoard life.  THAT'S how I put it into practice.

Hoarding life.  How does one actually do this?  Well, while it's wise to save for the future, plan for the future and all it could hold, we have to remember that the key here is the word "Could."  Again, no guarantee means we also have to live NOW, not to take experiences or people for granted.  Live NOW....

Take that long-put-off vacation.
ACT on the things you wanted to get done and haven't.
STOP procrastinating on the important stuff.
RECOGNIZE the importance of being in the moment every single day without fail.
Buy that album.
Go to that concert.
Have that special meal.
Eat a dessert once in a while.
Savor the moments you love.
LOVE.
RESPECT.
APPRECIATE.
And for God's sake LET GO of the people and things in your life that cause chronic anxiety, unhappiness, and feelings of depression.

That is so not the full list.  But it's the basic idea behind everything, really.

In a world based on uncertainty I hear people talk about what they're going to do when they retire.  And I have to wonder.. did YOU get a memo saying you'll actually reach retirement age?  Nooooo.. I'm not saying blow your life savings, because that would be utterly stupid.  But what I'm saying is.. do those things, as many as you can NOW, because even if you reach retirement age you may not be healthy enough to do those things.

This is what I want.  I want to live now, not later.  One thing finding out I have a chronic, life-long, incurable illness is this: If I don't follow my dreams and indulge my heart now.. I may not get a chance later.

Well then... I've had a lot of coffee this morning, haven't I?

The Love/Hate Relationship with Prednisone

Look, without a sense of humor, a life-long/chronic illness can steal your joy. ;)

Christmas is done, and the move into the new house is 99.99% complete.  Just a few items remaining at the old house at the moment, mostly due to the need to make room here so one doesn't feel hemmed-in.  While the move itself wasn't 'that' bad, it became a little easier when I began the first week of Prednisone--a drug I'd had to use in the past for something else and learned to both loathe and love equally.  This particular drug honestly needs to be held in reserve for the most extreme of circumstances.  The side effects of using and withdrawal are usually brutal.

How quickly those first couple of days became something to remember-but in a very good way.  My energy changed within 2 days, and nearly all of my symptoms ceased.  But the timing of this drug is tricky as one begins on high doses, then tapering to lower until remission (in my case) is obtained and held.  For the record, remission can take from 12 months to 2 years, depending on many factors.

So there I was in absolute heaven, though not feeling 100% it was SO drastically different (how I felt) that it instilled such hope and anticipation as to how much better I just knew I'd feel by the time this month of high-to-low dosing would take me.  Well, things changed quickly just a few days ago as I tapered down that first 10mg.  Dammit.

40 to 30, 30 to 20, 20-10, then 5mg for another month before the follow-up appointment.  That is, until within about 2 days of that 10mg taper I can crashing down HARD.  Phone call to the doctor and he moved my followup appointment from March 28th to January 25th, and he said to go back up to 35mg/day for a couple of days then to the 30mg.  So far, it's not taken much of the edge off the symptoms.  Ugh.

Sitting, standing, laying down, you name it... all very difficult yesterday and today.  And I've had some things to deal with on the computer most of the day so have been sitting upright for a few hours at a time.  And BOY does my upper right abdomen hurt.. all the way through to the back.  I'm really hating this at the moment.

That's where things are basically.  Wish I had more energy and stamina, was in less pain... so I could talk about all the other stuff.  But I have to listen to my body and go with what I know.  It's rather time to chill for a bit, regardless.

More to come...

More to catch up on...

Damn, crazy life...

Still fighting to find my bearings

Something isn't right.  "Something" hasn't felt right for a few years now, maybe since about 2012, maybe 2011.  When things break, the pieces often remain, cutting their way through the soft fabric of life.  I guess I'm realizing I was more malleable than first thought, and the strong, restraining hands of  someone I loved reshaped parts of me that I actually liked.  Not to say I'm not still in here--because I absolutely am.  Such is the part of me that fights like hell to keep me safe, protected from all the hurtful, jagged edges of what's left.  Because.. the parts of me that didn't mold to the whims and needs and demands of that person...shattered.  Where am I?

The barriers I've built around me have protected me in some ways, and they've also crushed me in others; Vulnerability is no longer something I give into.  Instead, I strive to be the strongest I've ever been, though it's not a comfortable posture for me.  So what of the discomfort, then?  It is what it is and it will remain because of my will.  It is MY will that allows or disallows what happens to me as a person, a woman, a friend, a lover, a mom... every facet that makes me who I am is ultimately at the mercy of MY will and no other but God's.  His will is ultimate, but my will is His gift to me.  And no, I'm not going off on a religious tangent.  I'm simply taking responsibility for the damage I allowed others to do to me, and also for my inability to completely regain control of the clanging thought-machine inside me that clatters on and on.

It's just one of those days sitting in the midst of one of those weeks in what I now call one of those lives...

I'm dealing with illness because of the unrest and DIS-ease I've felt for so long, with the majority of it beginning when I blindly walked into a situation I didn't want to recognize for what it actually was.  I fell headlong right into the abyss and hit bottom.  Dammit, but I should have had my own back.  I have a good understanding of this NOW and am being diligent, watchful.  And yet, contemplating what my life is now in the wake of the experiences isn't exactly pretty.  Not at all.

Nothing is improving.  My health continues to worsen, and all the tests I've gone through over the past few weeks, all of the tests I'm going through THIS week will tell me where I am in all of this.  While it may not be the best course of action on my part I will wait for the doctors to render their final diagnosis and allow them to push me in the direction I need to go.  I'm so bogged down in near-defeat that I can't seem to propel myself in the right direction.

I will let the current take me.

What's left

I have to admit that beginning another blog that focuses on emotional abuse, etc., has been good for getting things out that have needed letting out for some time now.  And even if I can't help myself through this, then maybe I can help others.  There will be entries of what I've been through, how I felt about it, their effects on me then and now, and much about moving on, recognizing where I've been and how it's changed who I am--for better or worse, and how my world is post-nightmare.  Either way, it's all good considering.  Considering...

I have so far to go even still.  In the aftermath there remains no closure.  I will find peace with it all eventually.

Today I'm in a place that's leaving me tired, worn, and still as confused as ever.  The situation with T is still an ongoing thing in which it appears he has no desire to change the behaviors that hurt, belittle, and depress me.  Depression is rage turned inward; I'm sure you guys have heard that.  And it's true.  The trick in getting past that is to know WHO or WHAT you're actually enraged at!  Fun stuff.

In my world, as it is now, I have to make my own way through the muddle without a support network.  All the health issues, the isolation, the loneness that comes with being in a new place and too sick to get out and meet people, it all has taken a great toll on everything I am.  There IS a strong element of depression, situational as it may be, it doesn't seem to want to lose its hold.  Taking an antidepressant is completely unappealing to me, and it's not an option anyway due to being on a blood thinner.  So the question remains---so now what?  Tired of having that question hanging overhead while seemingly no answer exists for this dilemma.  Crap.  Crap.  and CRAP.

*shaking my head*

Another day perhaps...

Purity Ring - Obedear [HD]

PART 2: Selfishness as a matter of convenience (Where's the respect??)

I'm unimpressed.  I'm completely unimpressed by T, and by the way most guys treat women.  In my particular case, the disrespect is dehumanizing, demoralizing, belittling, and disappointing beyond anything I've known.  It's not just this relationship, but in the past as well.  My choices have NOT been the greatest, and my guess it's because I'm trusting and take people at face-value.  This is NOT a good thing.  At all.

As of yesterday a new low has been established, and I'm in no position to do anything about it.  Thus is the case when dealing with control freaks who refuse to see that they're actions are completely selfish and self-serving.  DON'T VOLUNTEER to do something for someone if you're only going to use it to gain control over that person!  DAMN!  How hard is that to understand?

All my doctor's appointments are now between my doctors and T.  Why?  Because ALL appointments aren't about what's necessary, or needed, or critical, or about doing tests etc in a 'timely fashion.'  Nope.  NOW my appointments are about what's convenient for T.  It's about what he does or does not feel like doing, what works with his schedule (he's been told he needs to use a lot of his leave or lose it), and none of it has a thing to do with... me, you know, the actual patient.

Yesterday was a disaster, stressful beyond reason, frustrating in that I'm basically told I no longer have any control on when or what time I get an appointment.  *sigh*  One major symptom of late makes it dangerous for me to drive much beyond a few miles of my house.  Dizziness/vertigo doesn't exactly translate into "safe driving."  So I'm stuck for the time being, screwed beyond reason, because I have to wait for T to decide when I can see my ENT or Neurologist regarding the severe tinnitus, vertigo and dizziness that's come on over the past couple of weeks.  I sit.  And I wait.  For HIM to decide when it's a good time to see the doctor about this.

Why the F***K am I here????!!!!  Being here is unhealthy, both physically and emotionally.  It's detrimental to my health and well-being, and the inner workings of living in this house with T has destroyed my quality of life.

Now, some of you know my recent history with relationships and know what I've gone through.  I also know what you're most likely going to say to me and expect that email eventually.  It's okay.  Send it on.  Maybe I need to hear that.. 'again.' ;)  Either way, you're most likely seeing something familiar in all of what I'm writing, in which case I will say... I do too.

More later.  I promise... the flood gates are open now...

Finally.

PART 1: Selfishness as a matter of convenience

Selfishness is a part of all human nature.  When a person believes they're not selfish--they're lying to themselves.  The degree of selfishness matters, as does the reason, because in selfishness.. every detail does matter.  Some selfishness is necessary, and we all know this.  When someone wants you to help them and you have other plans that are 'higher on the proverbial totem pole,' then it's a matter of priorities.  Putting off taking your sick child to the doctor just so you can indulge a friend who needs to rant... is down-right insane.  In the pecking order of things---you simply do not harm another person with your selfishness.

Convenience.  Everyone understands this, right?  I know what it is.  You know what it is.  And this, like selfishness, has a hierarchy in which you determine what is right and what is wrong.  That really should go without saying.

I'm getting to the point here, but I'm also indulging in non-emotional verbiage in order to get control of the raging emotions within.  It's NOT easy, I'll tell you.  Just bear with me for a moment as I attempt to gain a little control here before going off completely.

I've spoken about my health issues, so many of you know some of it is a bit on the scary side.  I don't sit around in fear worrying all of the time about it, but I also don't completely ignore it thinking things will miraculously get better.  The way things are right now I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.  Truly.  I never thought I could feel this bad.

Today....

Things began in the usual way, with me trying to drag myself through a few mundane tasks and telling myself I'm going to get better, while in the next moment wondering if I can stand even one more day of it all.  Not just the health issues, which are awful, but with this 'relationship' (for lack of a better descriptive word).  I believe a person can deal with just about anything if they have a strong support network (which I don't), and also if their physical environment is conducive to healing  If your living environment is stressful, depressing, hollow, empty, uninspiring... and more, you will have to do some serious magic to pull yourself up and out of whatever awful place you're in, both emotionally and physically/medically.

I have yet another CT w/contrast to go through.  This one is for my lungs, to further evaluate the nodule, the unexplained scarring, etc.  They had to put it off for about 3 months because I had a CT without contrast, which means they couldn't get all the information they needed.  Honestly, it worries me how many of these imaging sessions I've had.  Too many.  But it is what it is.

My pulmonologist's secretary wasn't aware that I had a CT scheduled for the 18th, so when I called about some other test results (that aren't back in yet), she told me that she needed to make the appt for me.  She chose the 9th.  When I sent T a text to let him know when it was, he immediately went to "THAT" place where everything becomes all about convenience.  What it really comes down to are priorities and where I am on that list.  Where am I?...the bottom.

Some appointments I can't drive myself to and from, because they require someone to drive me.  T has an enormous amount of accrued leave time available, about a month actually, and so if he has to take me to an appt, etc., it doesn't do any financial harm, and his boss has already said he needs to use some of that leave.  He volunteered, and now he wants to complain about the dates and times of my appointments.  SO... today I made a decision....

I told T that from now on my appointment will be between HIM and the person setting the appointment.  I'm going to completely remove myself from the process because it seems these appointments are really about my health, but what is convenient for HIM.  What was his response?  "Okay."  He feels pretty good about himself right now.

There's really no other way to take this situation, no other way to see it other than what it EXACTLY is---selfishness in full swing.  Never mind that the doctor says he wants a test or procedure done by a certain time, as soon as possible, etc.  It's not about that... at least to T.  And he refuses to care that the longer these things are put off the longer I will be this sick.  Things are completely out of hand in the world of control freaks.  It's the truth.  And why the F**K do I always end up with control freaks anyway?  Well, it's not been in every relationship---there've been ones in the distant past that weren't like that.

And please, don't make the mistake of equating selfLESSness with buying someone things.  There are FAR FAR greater kindnesses, trust me.  Such as--treating someone with kindness and respect, being there for them when things are bad, listening to them without judgment, and actually putting their health, happiness, etc... ABOVE what's CONVENIENT.

Do you think being sick or dealing with a chronic illness is CONVENIENT for the person who's sick?  HELL NO!  No one wants to be this sick, so sick that they would do ANYTHING to feel better.  NO ONE wants a shitty quality of life.  So when you (using the word "You" loosely here) indulge in the 'This is so inconvenient for me" for me mindset, you're showing your true colors and actually causing harm to the person who's sick.  I mean, if you can't muster any empathy, compassion, or caring, if your give-a-shitter is THAT whacked, then by all means remove yourself from that person's life so they can HEAL!!!

In all honesty, I remember the last relationship I had where I DIDN'T feel as if I were better off alone, and it was a LONG LONG time ago.  Since then, I've usually ended up in a situation that left me feeling like the very best thing for me was to be single, because there was a total absence of health-destroying stress.  And I don't think I have to go on about the levels of stress, the differences between that which motivates and that which can kill.

I can't fix someone's lack of compassion.  I can't explain to them (where they'd get it) that buying something for someone who needs emotional support, love, compassion, etc... only makes themselves feel better.  Because it surely doesn't do a damn thing for the person who's suffering.

No offense to the guys reading this, but... if you're one of those men who find yourself saying "I bought x, y, z for you, so I DO care!"... then you may have a problem.  UNLESS that something you bought actually changed their life long-term.. the way true kindness and compassion does.  Not to say that gifts can't represent compassion, etc.. because they often do.  But you have to pay attention to what that person really needs, what they communicate to you.  Because when you don't, you miss the mark.

I'm angry right now because my situation, my health, etc. isn't being taken seriously by T.  It's damaging, stressful...which makes it more damaging.  "I" take it seriously.  My doctors take it seriously.  But T continues to do things that either undo all the work I've done thus far, or he does things that literally thwarts my efforts.

..... PART 2 will be next.  I have to gather my VERY scattered thoughts at the moment.

Testing patience, and those damn zombies

Patience is a virtue--blah, blah, blah.  No.. patience is a skill!  I used to have nearly endless patience, but I was taught over the past few years that too much patience extended incorrectly can turn you into a doormat.  Doesn't meant to say that patience isn't good or necessary (because it is in most cases), but you have to know when enough is enough.  Obviously, I haven't learned this particular lesson or skill myself, as I continuously allow far too much that wrecks my peace, tranquility, and overall health.  Enough is enough.  Right?

I've been told that if someone is complaining a lot that they're just 'negative.'  What I learned from an expert is actually the opposite.  While complaining about what negative things are going on in one's life may appear negative in itself, it's actually a side effect of seeking answers, resolutions, and working towards understanding of the situation.  It took me a while to understand and accept that it's a natural part of a necessary process, though, but I now understand what's going on and why it's okay, sometimes, to vent.  Some of this most people already know.  In the end, if someone is complaining about x, y, and/or z... listening can be of SO much benefit to that person.  And for those who proclaim that the person's 'negative energy' is wrecking their day, their mood, etc... you may want to consider that it's not that person's 'energy' that's wrecking anything.. it's your perception and resulting Reaction that changes things on your side.

Research, for example, has shown that in times of stress, anxiety, anger, etc... using the 'F' word actually lowers blood pressure!  Funny, I know... but absolutely true.  When it comes to complaining, as long as the person is venting the pressure they feel in the process... then it helps.  If the complaining is merely a habit---then it's most likely a groove they've gotten themselves into, rather than an immediate stressor they're trying to work through.

If I had a dollar for every time someone says they're a "Good listener".... I'd be rich.

There are good listeners, and there are some who completely and totally SUCK at it.  And should you ever REALLY need someone to talk to you better know which people in your life fall into which category.  If you trust the wrong person and let it all out, you're likely to feel far worse than had you said nothing at all; I think we've all been there.  Just a little inventory of your personal social network can tell you a great deal about whom you can trust.  And by "personal social network" I mean just that.  Not online social network ONLY, but the people you interact with, be it online or off.

The enablers...

These types of people listen, all right, but their usual reaction is to commiserate with you.  This is neither appropriate or helpful.  There is a difference between 'understanding' and 'commiserating.'  People understand may offer up something to let you know they've 'been there, done that and understand what you're going through.'  There's nothing wrong with that at all, and it makes the person who needs to talk feel much better about their situation.  But then there's the OTHER type, the ones who jump right in and complain heavily about their own experiences, tell you their entire life story, then tell you why you should keep feeling the way you do.  These people are easily recognized because you walk away from the situation feeling much worse, and also feeling like there's really little hope.  They in effect enable whatever negative emotion you're feeling while jumping on board and adding fuel to the fire.  Not to be confused with those who are offering up good advice while being emotional about it.

The Borg...

Think I'm kidding here? lol  I call some people 'Borg' when they harbor both contempt and indifference to your pain.  As you vent these people appear completely detached, and quite often respond with a little more than a grunt or canned response (if they really respond at all) while also trying to change the subject to something more palatable to them.  These types are actually quite dangerous to your situation, because on some very deep level they want you to feel worse.  Sounds crazy, yes?  These folks often KNOW you're feeling bad, down, etc... and ASK WHY you're feeling that way, only to respond with impatience, contempt, and sometimes even anger.  And this is IF they work themselves out of their own disinterest in you and your situation.  Steer clear of these types!

The zombies...

Many of us have watched enough zombie movies etc to know what zombies do.  Zombies are consumed by their own needs, self-interest, and will take whatever it is they want, no matter what it takes to do so.  They feel nothing, and they're relentless.  The only driving force is the all-consuming hunger to 'feed,' and they don't care if the person they're 'feeding on' is a family member, friend, loved one.  Zombies are consumed by 100% self-interest.  Period.  Oh, and there's the that lack of humanity thing.  Sounds like a lot of human beings, doesn't it?

While these zombie types don't try and eat your face off, they will still utterly consume you piece by piece until there's little left of you; and what is left is barely recognizable.  This type of person is by far the most dangerous of all.  This type of person psychologists refer to as narcissists.

Of course, the analogy of the zombie here is used somewhat loosely because I'm not talking about people who have no pulse, aren't breathing, and who eats the flesh of another human being.  Silly as it is for me to say that, I still feel I must.  But let me also clarify something---if you put everything a zombie is into an actual living, breathing person... it's pretty frightening.

My past relationships have included Zombies and Borgs, and those experiences nearly destroyed me as a person.  Truth.

Settings change for 'adult content'

First let me say the settings we changed due to some subject matter which will be discussed occasionally.  While I work on talking openly about issues that NEED addressing, some of those issues are going to be sexual in nature.  I think it only fair to warn you guys.

Many of you won't care as I've had these settings in place before.  I removed the settings and decided not to talk of anything 'sensitive' some time back, and I did this due to an increasing necessity to protect myself by withholding much of what's going on within and without.

Things are changing, and I'm fully planning on going with the flow here.  If you can hang---cool.  If you can't hang---I certainly understand.

Guys and epic failures: The humor and the hurt

A friend of mine (who now lives on the east coast) called me the other day out of the blue to share something both heartbreaking...and hilarious.  The conversation began very teary on her part, but after a good hour of talking we were both laughing, and I mean REALLY laughing.  She and I have known each other for several years now, and we have shared pretty much EVERYTHING.  Sometimes our shares were incidental, sometimes on purpose, but we really ended up knowing probably far too much about each other's private lives, which means... we're pretty damn comfortable talking about anything our hearts' desire.  Yesterday was one such day.

I will refer to my friend as R in order to keep her anonymous...

Skipping over the tearful parts (because she reads my blogs) I will say that the entire subject matter of our 3 hour+ conversation was primarily about guys and their epic failures in relationships.  Now, for the couple of guy friends who I've given my blog addresses to... you know I'm not referring to you!  Some guys are sweet, genuine, real gentleman...to say the least, but those guys are very, VERY rare, and I will tell you this---you will NOT meet those great guys online.  Sorry to burst the bubbles of those on dating sites, but... you simply won't.  Advice---save yourself the grief of even going there (online dating sites), because pretty much everyone I've ever met, with the exception of one person who met her guy on a Christian dating site (one you pay for), has found that there's mostly riffraff on there.  And ladies...seriously, it does NOT matter what they guy does for a living or how much money he has!  Just don't go there!

Okay, so R's ex (a recent event, btw) seemed to have been maintaining his profile on a popular dating site...the entire time he was with her.  God, but her story sounds just like mine with my ex!  She found out via another friend who is also on the site...when he showed up in her searches (same thing that happened to me).  So as she cried and expressed her shock, bewilderment, hurt, and anger over the phone... I remained quiet, thoughtful, and listening, because I have been where she is now, and it's one seriously ugly place to be.

I think it probably took her a good 2-30 minutes of crying and venting before she took that deep breath, sighed, and waited for me to respond.  She already knew my history, which means she knew I would understand.  And I do.  I told her how sorry I was that she had to go through that, and I told her she had every single right to feel outraged for what was done to her by this "guy" (whom I did not ever refer to as a "man" for obvious reasons).  Then she began to gush details, ones that in the light of day and 'after the fact' are really... well, rather hilarious.

She spoke of his quirks, personality flaws, and especially about his sexual inadequacies, ones he apparently was quite proud of.  I have to wonder if all guys are clueless to the things THEY like... that simply don't work for women?  So we talked about this for a bit, about why guys sometimes do what they do in the bedroom when it only benefits them and leaves their partner... well, unsatisfied.. or turned off completely.  With the latter in mind, the real conversation began.  She spoke of how the last year of their relationship she'd gone completely bored with him, sexually, how everything he did was for himself, and how he seemed shocked and angry because she was losing interest and couldn't hide it any longer.  She spoke of conversations she had with him that, at the time, seemed SO serious...when in retrospect were completely laughable.  Hindsight, you know... lol  I've had many revelations like that myself.

I felt for her as she told me in great bloody detail how her guy had failed repeatedly to perform.  "Hours.  We would do it for hours, with his talking and moaning and going on and on and on.  I mean, he was so into his performance, into himself that I think he completely forgot I was even there!  What the hell?"  After a moment's pause and neither of us saying anything... we both started laughing.  Suddenly the unspoken part of our mutual understanding of such things became something we could laugh about.  This is a good thing.

She told me that he was attempting to perform OS on her and that after some time of his robotic performance she told him to stop...to just stop.  Wow, I have to say this one really hit home for me, because the very last time "I" enjoyed or even wanted OS this was done to me, as punishment (a subject for another day).  And when she said, "I told him that was it. I didn't want him to ever do that to me again!"  Well, we can certainly say this was an epic failure on his part.  And as R talked... I could see, like with my previous situation, that this really was the beginning of the end for her.

She spoke of issues beyond sex, the cruelty, the way he made himself scarce in her life... leaving her wide open for meeting someone else, etc.  How is it, we both wondered, that guys can be that blind to the things they do that change the way their GF's or wives feel about them?..only to go on to blame her for the relationship eroding?  It's a mystery, I'll tell ya.  A mystery.  But R and I had a lot of laughs as we talked, and she at least was able to get to a point in the conversation where she was focusing on what she REALLY wanted in a guy, a relationship, rather than the time wasted with someone who honestly didn't have her best interest in mind anyway.

"He's not going to even notice I'm gone until, during sex, he looks down and sees that I'm actually not there!" lol  I will never forget that phrase!  Hilarious.

I'd asked a guy friend of mine about 3 years ago why some men behave this way, and he said that not all guys do, then added... "A lot of guys are attracted to themselves" and added that if the woman makes HIM feel sexy then he feels attracted to her for that reason, that men can actually be turned on by their own performance in bed, rather than the women they're actually in bed with.  WOW!  I was really shocked to hear this, though I shouldn't have been given my experience.

My friend, whom I will call "C," is extremely intelligent, has a lot of guy friends, women friends, and is fairly open and blunt when he speaks.  He'd been warning me about my situation nearly the entire time as he saw things in my relationship that were, in his words, huge warning signs.  Should I have listened to him?  I don't know, because I believe that everyone that comes into our lives are there for a reason, and it's usually to teach us something.  In my case, a couple of things broke, and I mean really broke that I'm pretty sure can't ever be repaired.  The experience changed me so significantly in a couple of ways that I just don't see those parts of me ever returning to what they were prior to the relationship.

I can't really can't say here what it is that's broke so completely due to account settings.  I'm not sure if anyone 'under age' has stumbled across my blogs or not, so I have to keep some of this on the down-low.... until I change my settings back again to include a warning for adult content.  Until then, let's just suffice it to say that while I mourn the parts of me that were shattered in that relationship I do recognize the protective stance I've taken since then.  My trust in guys is severely diminished due to what I went through, and I don't allow anyone to reach that vital part of me, of who I am.  Maybe this would change if I resumed therapy, which I had to resort to after the break up so I could repair most of what was damaged.  But, I'm not exactly sure I'm ready for that, because a huge part of me likes things just as they are.

The person I'm with right now has been flourishing in the 'epic fail' department.  He knows, and he's not given any of it any real thought, time, attention, nor is he made any effort to work on things.  His bad, because I'm beyond arms-length now and am completely focused on my health and well-being, rather than him.  It was a natural course of events as my health plummeted under the onslaught of the past and the damaging effects of the now.  As controlling as the previous relationship was, this one is as controlling...but in a very different way.  Either way, control doesn't work for me, and I am going to give absolutely everything I have to regaining my health, self-esteem, and repairing my damaged self-respect.  These are the only things that matter right now.

R and I had a good conversation, and one that ended with us both laughing.  I think she's going to break free from those traumatic bonds and move forward as a strong, single woman.  She isn't up for another relationship, and I can certainly understand that on SO many levels!  For me, I refuse to be another afterthought, slave, or punching bag for any guy.  If I'm not appreciated, then I will appreciate myself first and foremost.  It's the least I can do.

The conversation with R has reminded me of things I'd left for dead in my recent past.  So be it.  I'm sure I needed reminding for some reason.  Maybe that will be my motivation to plug ahead with getting my health in check, to become stronger inside and out, and to also remind myself that the choices I've made in light of my past are mine to make and mine to keep.  What's done is done, and thought I came out on the other side of things somewhat broken, changed... it's probably for the best.

I'm going to finish the other portions of this on my other blogs.  Things have turned a corner...

Running interference

"STOP!"  Some words have lost their effectiveness.  As many times as I tell myself to stop with the stupid internal dialogue it has yet to have any real effect on me.  Damn, but my inner child is stubborn as hell!  But then, all of me tends to be that way.  With a lack of a support network I'm left to my own devices, and the on-screen blabbering of an indifferent internet to fill that void.  Guess what?  NONE of it's working.

Inspiration, more specifically the lack thereof, squashes motivation before it even gets out of the gate.  Am I saying I'm uninspired, then I would have to say "YES!"  Knowing my situation will only change when I facilitate that change (personally) is enough pressure all on its own, but when I'm told my my cardiologist that I can't exercise until after I have the nuclear stress test and get the results, well, that really puts a massive damper on things.  And waiting is just another level of hell.

My subconscious is raging against all that's happening, behaving like a willful, spoiled brat, and one in which I can't exactly order to go stand in the corner somewhere.  So the tantrums ensue, unchecked.  Yippee.

Yesterday I saw an orthodontist about an oral device that will help with this mild sleep apnea.  While waiting in the office I thumbed through a huge binder filled with handwritten testimonies of people who've gotten this device (which is a lot like what you wear to protect your teeth if you grind them in your sleep).  Anyway, encouragement and hope literally poured from the pages, and I actually felt myself on the verge of tears at the thought that "I" could really feel THAT good again.  There are things I still need to do with regards to my teeth, like get a dental implant for the one I cracked severely from years of grinding my teeth, so that will slow things down a bit.  Waiting... has never been my strong point.  Delayed gratification sucks when it's something this necessary, vital even.

For every night I spend in poor sleep, I wake to feel as if I'd not slept at all.  So how is it that I'm going to be able to wait for the next few weeks in order to deal with the process of getting that dental implant?  How in the hell do I make myself okay with feeling like THIS for yet a few more weeks?  I really don't know that I can do it.  BUT, I have to.  They can't have them make that oral device before I have the other done because it won't fit.  Ugh.

As my subconscious rages, as it seeks to pout and crawl into a deep, dark hole where it can sulk in private, I'm left with the aftermath of its childish behavior; depression, hopelessness, sadness, bewilderment, and at times anger.  Screw this.  My subconscious and I need to have a damn talk!

I really could use a support network right now.  Having to admit such a frailty is really uncomfortable, I'll have you know.  Over the years I've changed from someone who was open, okay with expressing feelings and allowing them to flow through me so I could deal with them, to someone who refuses to cry in front of anyone, to show my vulnerability, and to even express my needs.  This unpleasant change began a few years ago and has continued to hold onto the part of me I want back.  I feel like a damn hostage inside my own body.  Wtf?

Free me...

In the wake of an unexpected 12 hours

Insomnia is the usual case for me, especially over the past year.  Very difficult to fall asleep, and even more difficult waking up.  It's not that I don't wake up, it's more that I feel like I've been hit by a truck when I do.  This has been destroying my quality of life for some time now.  And last night was an unusual event as I slept for about 12 hours.  I do have to say, however, that it wasn't an unbroken sleep.  But even if within that broken 12 hours I managed to get 11 hours, I can feel a bit of change today.  Hasn't resolved everything, but I feel somewhat different.  This has to be brought under control.  And this... effects EVERYTHING about my life.  EVERYTHING.

Sometimes, after I have a fairly decent night's sleep I wake up feeling odd, too aware of everything.  I'm not sure this is a good thing, to tell you the truth.  In fact, it's quite unsettling.  In the fog of sleep deprivation and other limiting health issues it's almost a Godsend to have reality blurred somewhat.  I know it sounds crazy, but you don't know my life.. not really.  My 'life' hovers on the edges of that blurred reality for the most part, and when the lines begin to sharpen around what I've been ignoring and the stark reality of what actually IS...my anxiety builds.  Why?  Well, isn't it obvious?  Frankly put---I don't like my reality.

Changing my reality:

I've not given up.  I'm searching for answers.  If those answers are WITHIN me, then those things are buried DEEP, because I can't seem to access them at all.  So what's next?  Yeah, you hear that a lot here, don't you?  If I had the answers to that I'd already being doing it, trust me.

Still, I have to compartmentalize everything these days just so I can deal; I think we all pretty much do this.  I guess the trick is to not completely seal everything off.  *shrugs*

Healing.  Healing is absolutely NECESSARY to getting back to myself again.  I have to heal in mind, body, and spirit.  No matter what, I will have no quality of life if I don't heal.  So how do I do that?  How do I heal while in a place that isn't conducive to healing?  THAT is the million dollar question.

I'm stuck:

What do I do?  Where do I go?  How do I start?  When do I start?  How long will it take?  Which path is right?  Will I find my footing?

There isn't a single soul around that I can talk to about this.  The few people I have to talk to I can't open up to.  It's difficult to talk to someone who's not listening.

There's nothing that instills mistrust in another person than trying to talk to someone about something critical, important and having them shrug it off as if it's insignificant.  I'm not a fool, and I can tell when someone really could give a shit less.  All it takes is once, and I won't open up to that person again...

"Sorry to hear that.  Hope you feel better soon."  Wow.  Can't tell you how much this one puts me off.

Platitudes are not only insulting and hurtful to me, but they make you look shallow and self-absorbed.  Seriously.

It's been said that we live in a 'ME ME ME' era, and I have to agree.  Opening up to another human being, wether a friend or relative, is almost pointless these days.  At least it's been this way for me.  And...this is why I have blogs.  Opening up to people usually just brings on the deadpan platitudes that actually make me feel worse.

Does anyone in this country give a shit about anything at all?

Even T is deadpan, self-absorbed to the point of not seeing or hearing or feeling anything about anyone around him.  Most of all me.  But I'm adjusting to that, which means... my feelings toward him are changing radically, and now... irreversibly.  He was warned about this some time back, so he knew the risk of maintaining the status-quo.  Once I accepted that I have to focus on myself in order to heal, to get well, to reach for a better quality of life, to be happy, hopeful, and vibrant... things became both easier and more difficult at the same time.  I never expected this to be easy.

Back to sleep...

My dreams tell all.  I tend to dream a lot these days, and I dream of a reality that isn't, or at least used to be, MY reality.  I'm never tired, sick, painful, or alone in my dreams.  When I sleep.. I'm exactly where I want to be in my waking life.  I know what it is that I want, and my subconscious is showing me every single night how vastly WRONG my actual life is.  Many times I absolutely hate waking up.

It's going to be a long process, reaching my goals, and I will have to remind myself each and every day what those goals are.  I will also have to do everything in my power not to give up, because what happens in the reality of my life makes me want to give up.  This isn't a good thing.  At all.

So, what now?

I am...

I am a person, a human, a woman, someone with feelings, thoughts, hopes, dreams, intelligence, passion, and a heart.  I feel, breathe, think, love, hope, hurt, give, and bleed.  I am sensitive, patient, empathetic, sympathetic, spiritual, and I feel deeply what is sent my way.  My pain is real.  My joy is real.  My love is real.

I am real.

Because I am, I feel.  Because I think, I feel.  Because I breathe, I feel.  Because I have a soul, I feel.  And what I feel is exactly everything.  When you speak, I feel your words, and when you don't, I feel that as well.

I hear you when you're not talking.  I see you when you're not there.  My mind, soul, spirit and heart remembers everything.  I feel everything you've said, done, not said and not done, and it has changed parts of me, of who I am.  But I will find a way and strive each and every day to heal, to restore all that I once was.

The parts of me you broke with your words and actions, or inactions, are still there.  Every shattered part of me holds on and waits to be healed.

I am healing, though much slower than I'd hoped.

Inside there are are pieces that aren't mine at all but harmful remnants of an experience that threatened to change me completely, insidious shrapnel of an emotional war I never wanted to be a part of.

I'm passed the part where I forgive myself for willingly allowing myself to think everything I experienced was okay.  I apologized for allowing so much harm to be done as I did nothing.  I no longer ask myself 'why' I didn't exit much sooner than I did.  I've come to the conclusion that some things I will most likely never come to terms with, maybe not even completely heal from.  I can't say goodbye or get closure from someone who basically didn't actually exist.  Realizing that everything you thought you knew about someone wasn't real is beyond difficult, because there is no one to say goodbye to when the relationship ends.

I will heal.  Eventually I will be fully me again.  But there is much to sort out even now.  The wound opens time and time again because closure wasn't possible, and I work to forgive, repeatedly repair the damage that never seems to fully heal.

Anger is part of the process of letting go.  In the stages of loss, which happens with breakups, one must absolutely feel every stage.  But who am I to be angry at, sad over, etc?  The person I fell in love with, in the end, revealed so much about themselves as their guard went down that I didn't even recognize them.  At all.  I was allowed to see what they wanted me to see early-on, and I fell in love with THAT person, a person who disappeared completely and was replaced by.... a stranger.  I did not recognize that person and never saw the one I'd fallen in love with again.  So when things finally ended, there I was, wondering who I was supposed to say goodbye to.

More on this later as it's bigger than I'm able to speak about or even deal with in-short.

Is this the beginning of getting back to me again?

I hate freckled bananas

I mean, they look like they've lost their will to live.  And the really brown ones, that's just overt depression.  The key to helping them is to give them a new reason to live; you know, like.. banana bread.

Our own personal static

Being present.  It's not always the easiest thing in the world, is it?  I mean, every single human being on this planet has to deal with pulling themselves back from their own personal static.  It's not about being falsely-focused during a conversation, but rather being genuinely interested, connected, even polite.  The static is always there, always real, and it makes us who we are.  In fact, that static of our own thoughts is a simple by-product of a complex intellect.  And we are all participants in self-indulgence, mired in the buzz and whir of, well, thinking.  There's just too much going on in our heads, right?

Wrong.

I can say with confidence that being ignored isn't one of my favorite things, and yet it is a daily energy-suck that refuses to let go of me.  I live with someone who is chronically in the throes of his own personal static.  Honestly, these days I feel like a ghost, invisible, and as if I have absolutely no voice whatsoever.  It's getting to me.

This entry sat in "Drafts" for some time now, and oddly.. it's relevant to what's going on STILL.  I'm personally tired of the static I'm surrounded by in my everyday life here with T.

More on this another time...

I have no idea, and a Halloween selfie.

Where do my thoughts go when I sit down to post here?  Why do I draw a complete blank when the night before, the morning of, etc... I had plenty to think about, plenty to say?  Where do the most important ideas, contemplations, feelings, and so forth actually disappear to when I'm more than ready to get them out into the open?  I have absolutely NO idea.

All that which keeps me awake at night, pondering, seem to slip into the shadows when I'm up and ready to sort it all out.  I mean, yes, there are enough topics I could easily discuss, but my goal here isn't just to talk about the easy.  It's the difficult I need to stand toe-to-toe with.  So damn frustrating.

I suppose if I were to be honest about it, at least one of the major issues is right there in the forefront, and I'm finding myself stepping back from letting it all out in the open.  Just a protective measure on my part, but it doesn't make it okay.  I really do need to talk about a few things.

A blog is a blog.  Maybe that I've come to a deep understanding about how all this, at times, feels utterly pointless.  You know, like speaking into a dark, cavernous void only to hear nothing by my own voice echoing back.

Oh well.  I've been edging towards speaking out-right here for some time.  It's not easy for me, even though I did create my blogs as a place where I COULD actually speak my mind, vent, share, or whatever.

WHY is this so hard for me?!  Seriously.

P.S.  No, that's not really my selfie.  ;)