Running interference

"STOP!"  Some words have lost their effectiveness.  As many times as I tell myself to stop with the stupid internal dialogue it has yet to have any real effect on me.  Damn, but my inner child is stubborn as hell!  But then, all of me tends to be that way.  With a lack of a support network I'm left to my own devices, and the on-screen blabbering of an indifferent internet to fill that void.  Guess what?  NONE of it's working.

Inspiration, more specifically the lack thereof, squashes motivation before it even gets out of the gate.  Am I saying I'm uninspired, then I would have to say "YES!"  Knowing my situation will only change when I facilitate that change (personally) is enough pressure all on its own, but when I'm told my my cardiologist that I can't exercise until after I have the nuclear stress test and get the results, well, that really puts a massive damper on things.  And waiting is just another level of hell.

My subconscious is raging against all that's happening, behaving like a willful, spoiled brat, and one in which I can't exactly order to go stand in the corner somewhere.  So the tantrums ensue, unchecked.  Yippee.

Yesterday I saw an orthodontist about an oral device that will help with this mild sleep apnea.  While waiting in the office I thumbed through a huge binder filled with handwritten testimonies of people who've gotten this device (which is a lot like what you wear to protect your teeth if you grind them in your sleep).  Anyway, encouragement and hope literally poured from the pages, and I actually felt myself on the verge of tears at the thought that "I" could really feel THAT good again.  There are things I still need to do with regards to my teeth, like get a dental implant for the one I cracked severely from years of grinding my teeth, so that will slow things down a bit.  Waiting... has never been my strong point.  Delayed gratification sucks when it's something this necessary, vital even.

For every night I spend in poor sleep, I wake to feel as if I'd not slept at all.  So how is it that I'm going to be able to wait for the next few weeks in order to deal with the process of getting that dental implant?  How in the hell do I make myself okay with feeling like THIS for yet a few more weeks?  I really don't know that I can do it.  BUT, I have to.  They can't have them make that oral device before I have the other done because it won't fit.  Ugh.

As my subconscious rages, as it seeks to pout and crawl into a deep, dark hole where it can sulk in private, I'm left with the aftermath of its childish behavior; depression, hopelessness, sadness, bewilderment, and at times anger.  Screw this.  My subconscious and I need to have a damn talk!

I really could use a support network right now.  Having to admit such a frailty is really uncomfortable, I'll have you know.  Over the years I've changed from someone who was open, okay with expressing feelings and allowing them to flow through me so I could deal with them, to someone who refuses to cry in front of anyone, to show my vulnerability, and to even express my needs.  This unpleasant change began a few years ago and has continued to hold onto the part of me I want back.  I feel like a damn hostage inside my own body.  Wtf?

Free me...

Sleep, oh those little slices of death...

....how I NEED them!  Well, sometimes.  This elusive and popular activity, sleep, keeps me at arm's length whenever I try to embrace it.  It's taken a few appointments with doctors, and an orthodontist, to finally get to the bottom of the HEALTH-side of this issue.  As for the other side, the emotional one, well... that may be more complex of a process.  In fact, there's no "may" about it.

I'm sitting here at my laptop wondering...why I'm sitting here at my laptop.  This is how sleep deprivation gets you.  As the world becomes more surreal, the intuitive side and the creative side begin to meld together, thus creating a loss of place.  Do you understand that phrase when I say it?  If you do, you've been here in this garden in forever dusk.  If not, I'm not entirely sure I could explain it to you where you'd actually understand.  Just know that it's a lot like being in a dream while awake..and leave it at that.

This sleepless state changes my perception of just about everything, and in turn my attitude towards just about everything also changes.  Emotional.  There's just no two ways about it.  But this emotion is both limiting and freeing, as the daily filters which keep our tongues in-check fall away.  And yes, those filters are quite necessary in everyday, polite living among society.  I don't worry about it overly  much, because the more tired I become the funnier the world gets.  And also more irritating.  I don't think you can have one without the other in this respect.

Last night as I waited for sleep to rescue me, I realized this love/hate relationship I have with sleep depends on my level or worry, anxiety, loneliness, or the need to BE alone for a bit.  I'm sure this is true for everyone, but I cannot tell you how impossible the act of falling asleep becomes when you, on some level, despise it!  I'm working on that, but there is also a great deal of 'dealing' I need to do in order to get there.  My quality of life is failing because of this unresolved nightmare.  No pun intended.

I have hope now that the health aspect of this insomnia and inability to remain asleep will be resolved.  I'm far too worn out to discuss it now, but I'm confident about this next step, next phase, next.. 'nothing new.'  Truly.  I've been here before.

You know what?  I just can't sit here anymore.  Yeah, it's THAT kind of day. lol

To speak my mind in uncertain terms

I literally just wrote several paragraphs before deleting every one of them.  It's my state of mind at the moment, I suppose, really feeling like I need to talk about so much but finding the words impossible to convey what's needed.  Speaking my mind these days isn't always easy, and trying to speak my mind in uncertain terms usually ends up being the case.  Where did the girl go who could quite easily let it all flow out onto the page, or screen as it were?  Dammit.

Where is my voice?  Have I simply worn myself out by expressing what I feel and need?  Is there some cutoff inside that totally prohibits discussion on a matter that's been beaten to death with no resolution from the other side?  Where the hell is my voice?!

Too much going on.  Too much unresolved issues.  Too much indifference.  Too much passive-aggressive controlling from T.  Too many unspoken and unreasonable demands put upon me.  At some point a person under "Too much" gives in, gives up, or gives out; I tend to vacillate between all three.

When I speak, to whom do I speak?  That's a rhetorical question, btw.  I need to talk about what's going on with my health, my lack of any quality of life, my concerns, my needs, my life.  And yet, here I am pouring out what I need to talk about online, rather than talking about what I need.  Geez.  I'm starting to not make much sense, but I'm sure a few of you get where I'm coming from.  It's a familiar place to many, though probably not to all.  This place, this unhealthy place where I am right now, is actually making it more difficult to speak my mind.

Have I developed so much mistrust in people that I can't bring myself to actually say what I need to say?  This has been an ongoing theme in my life (and here) for quite some time now, and where I was once able to pour out my heart and soul and mind freely, it just seems as if every part of me that should be free is tightly shackled, gagged, and sedated by defeat.  That's not a good thing.

Once upon a time I would pour out my soul here.  Those of you who've been reading my blogs know exactly what I'm talking about.  Wether I was raging, hopeful, dreaming, wishful, happy, sad, surprised, or any other number of feelings... I was able to convey everything clearly right here, even if I weren't speaking to anyone else face-to-face.  So what's happened?

I know the answer already, though it's really difficult to say 'out loud.'  But as a first step to getting over this wall, or breaking it down, I can honestly say that I am a product of my recent history, and by 'recent' I mean over the last few years.

After being raged at and punished for speaking my mind the wall was built.  I really didn't know it was happening on all levels, but deep inside I knew, and I let it happen.  Frankly, it was absolutely necessary when it was happening.  The wall went up to protect myself, and now I can't seem to break it down again.

So, how does one get past this?  *shrugs*  Beats me.  But it needs to be done.  HAS to be done.

*sigh*

Dear Subconscious. SHUT UP!!

These dreams.  You know.  I've talked about them in past entries.  They're always quite memorable.  They don't leave me be but haunt me throughout the days, nights... in far too many waking moments. They arrive, unbidden, though I do admit to having contemplated the why's and wherefore's of their appearance.  Especially now.  Maybe because of now.  Not one damn answer as to why....

Dwelling on these dreams isn't a 'thing' with me, and most of the time it's just this haunting feeling I get... that eventually eases as the day, or days, go on.  The intensity of their message(s) increases with each subsequent dream, and I just don't know what to think about them.  It's just freaking weird.

Dear subconscious....  SHUT UP!