Thoughts, Scattered.

....As is the case these days.  AKA... pardon my ramblings.

It's About Time.

When I first began blogging it was for one specific reason--venting.  I needed a place where I could get things off my chest that were bothering me so I could get on with life without cumbersome emotions or baggage.  I had ONE blog at that time.  When things got tough, and they often were, I would visit my blog and unload to my heart's content, not giving a single iota to being politically correct or holding back out of some delusion that I somehow had to be 'polite' here.  The venting would ensue, fall upon the screen, and I would be left to bask in the aftermath of some seriously epic purging of thoughts, feelings, and more.  In the end I would usually go back and delete the long-winded and emotionally-charged entries, knowing I could do so now that some time had past.  That blog still exists and I still post in it as often as possible, and I named it "All Things Ephemeral" for a reason, even if that reason no longer exists.  Let me explain....

A few years ago I made the decision to stop deleting the entries.  Being honest with myself I realized that I was deleting so as not to 'hurt feelings' of those I vented about.  No matter that I left off names and details that would give much away to the wrong set of eyes reading, I decided it was somehow 'impolite' to share even my feelings and experiences.  Boy, was that ever stupid.  I'm glad I came to my senses and stopped editing the content over some perceived butthurt it may cause someone else.  But, did I really stop editing my own entries after all?  Well, today I figured it was something worth investigating.

I often come here and stare at the blank screen where bits of my life would fall and wonder... "How can I actually talk about this?"  I know as I write just how much I'm holding back, even when I don't WANT to.  Still, the struggle to set myself free remains just that--a struggle, even today.  Even when I know the healthiest thing I can do for myself is write about it, get it out of my system, it's remains incredibly difficult just the same.

What I want very much to do right now is to take the first step in 'going there,' to talk openly instead of using a string of allusions to piece together a story that, when all is said and done, remains unclear and ill-explained because of that fear below the surface of truth.

A Bold First Step

My next blog entry will be in This Free Spirit, and I tell you this because it will ultimately be the first blog entry in many years where I hold little if nothing back.  With failing health I need all the help I can get to break the bonds of emotional servitude, and the first step is to open myself completely to the idea of 'almost' full disclosure.

Wish me luck....

The Danger of Indifference.

I know every cliche there is about life and happiness.  The sayings, unfortunately, are just that and don't really bring anything useful to the discussion most of the time.  "You're the captain of your own ship" and other cliches I find are just uttered AT someone due the lack of having anything substantial or helpful.  It's all very well-meaning, of course, but as they say... "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." *wink*

I don't need cliches or old sayings or quotes from famous people.  What I need is substance and action from people who are involved in my life where they have have direct and powerful influence in what happens in my life or to me.  Keep the platitudes and he cliches and the rehearsed and memories 'pretties.'  What I need is something REAL.

Many times people will utter those cliches, or even quote scripture as a response to questions or shared feelings, experiences or thoughts.  I would rather someone be honest and tell me they don't know what to say instead of offering verbal memes as a replacement for heartfelt responses.  There's no replacement for real feelings.  You can't pretend to say or do something from the heart.  People know when something isn't genuine.

Not everyone resorts to cliches out of indifference, I know this.  But many people try to cover their indifference with BS.  Just stop it already.  Actions speak louder than words, right?  And even the smallest action can be recognized as an honest attempt.  But do NOT try and tell me you 'care' or 'love' me when your behavior screams indifference.  Don't underestimate me, and don't assume I don't see what you are or where you're at just because I remain quiet.

Indifference has no place in healthy relationships of any kind.  Not working, not romantic, not friendship, not even in business or career!  An indifferent nurse will often be irresponsible.  Do YOU want an indifferent nurse to be giving you medication and measuring injection dosages?  I sure as hell don't!  Indifference is dangerous... on all practical and impractical levels.

T's indifference this morning left me angry and also alarmed at my situation.  I won't go into it all again here as I spilled my guts about that in This Free Spirit.  I'm just venting at this point and wondering why human beings choose indifference over compassion and empathy.

That's the million dollar question, isn't it?

Why Dream?

I used to dream a lot.  I used to believe that pretty much anything was possible.  I also used to believe that people in your life who say they love you also want your dreams to come true, for you to be happy.  But the truth is--no one really cares about your dreams, desires, and often... they don't even care what you NEED.  But what if your dreams ARE what you need?

I hear the chatter, the whispers on the web and witness the effects on women everywhere when disconnection takes over their lives.  Meaning, the disconnection of whomever they're with, the disconnection that divides, hinders, then ultimately destroys dreams.  It's there, and the blind are those who seek to control and tell that person---they're not allowed to have that dream.  Or worse, to insist that the dream isn't possible.  You can DREAM it but you can't HAVE it.  That message seeks to destroy.

I have dreams every now and then when I can pry myself away from the chronic pain, the debilitating pain as it is on most days right now.  They creep in subtly and often fade just as quietly as they arrived.  More times than not these days, however, I'm fighting against that negative force that reminds me daily that I need permission to dream, to want more, to see my life outside of what it is at the moment.  When I reach for better... my hand is slapped away every time.

Why dream then?  Why waste the time and energy to think, to visualize, to want something better than what I have?  Why envision my life as it was before I became sick?  Why bother at all?  Because the times that I give up it feels a little like dying.  I can't explain it more than that, but it's what it feels like---as if life is absolutely over.

I have to think about that.

"You've chosen lessons of pain"

I received a message with this video in it yesterday.  I have no idea who the person is who sent it... but, oddly.. this is one of my favorite songs and one I listen to every night.  Headphones on, dark room, and songs to obliterate the thoughts....

The Greatest Misunderstanding of My Life.

I know who I am.  Or, at least who I'm supposed to be, who I used to be, and who I still am inside.  She's in there--I can hear her.  It's not the first time I've lost myself to a situation or another person.  It's all quite familiar, and not at all in a good way, I promise.  No need to talk about how I got here, because I've vented on that enough times that it's cemented in 'moot' at this point.  What I need to work on, find and deal with is the 'how' of where my life is currently.  HOW do I get out?  How do I repair myself, heal myself?  HOW do I go about finding the help I need to lift me into the light, to the only place I know healing can happen?

How?

All the self-talk, and all of the ideas that enter my mind late at night when I'm alone in the quiet, the dark and with only my thoughts... falls short of having any impact in the light of day.  Why is that, I wonder?  How can I find what I need and have it slip through my hands as the light slips through the window?  Exactly what part of me gave up so completely that I can't even hold onto the little resolve I have when faced with my own thoughts?

If I could only be able to answer any of those questions without having to add yet another question mark.

Clearly I know what I need--on the surface anyway.  There's no misunderstanding about where I am o want to be.  The problem arises from my not having any guidance as to how to GET there.  Just when I think I have every answer to every question, the mask slips off the face of mother solution, leaving me to wonder how a person can misunderstand themselves so completely?

I'm talking through pain, so if there's anything incoherent in what I'm saying... that's why.  As this misery reaches an intolerable level I'll most likely make much less sense.  Won't that be fun?  Ugh.

Okay.  So have I misunderstood things in general?  Have I missed the mark, the answers, the intent of what's around me?  All I want is answers, solutions, and to STOP being in pain all of the damn time, to get back to me, to feel like me, to FEEL GOOD AGAIN.

Sigh.  Apparently.. I'm asking way to freaking much.

Weirdness of Dreams...

A strange thing about dreams--the only scary ones are those that present as reality.  At least to me.  But I don't have nightmares, so I'm not speaking of those.  For me, it's how utterly REAL some can feel, and waking up feel like you're not in the right place anymore.  Whether it's the faces and interactions with those real and the obscure, the result is the same.  I wake up feeling utterly at odds with just about everything, feeling something that's almost akin to mourning... as if, by waking, I'd lost something incredibly important.  Such are dreams.

I've spoken about this a few times in my blogs, I know, and I suppose it may seem that it really doesn't have much to do with 'real life' or 'actual reality.'  But doesn't it?  If, as they say, the subconscious drives our dreams, creating that inner reality as we remain a silent passenger on that ride, then isn't it in some way our own reality speaking directly to us?  I rather think so.  Not that it means we have to ACT on our dreams, but at times.... people have, including me.

It's a long story I won't go into, but I actually had ONE dream many years ago that profoundly impacted my life--and for the better.  Let's just say that upon waking that morning I knew I had to change my life, and change it in a way so that it altered the course of my life going forward.  Trust me, it was a very good thing.  I went to bed in one place my head and woke up the next morning... changed.  In the throes of silence it was still, in every way, cathartic.

I'm not going to say my dreams of late have had this kind of impact on me, but they have caught my attention.. as I believe the innermost part of who I am is sending me warning shots.  I wake up somehow knowing that time is of the essence--yet my body refuses to allow me to DO anything in response.  Kind of a real bitch, to be honest.

Somehow I have to find a way, as soon as possible, to reconcile what I can and cannot do with regards to my health and what is absolutely necessary to survive.  Steps I've taken recently, with the decision to stop medication (much to my doctor's chagrin) is a start.. though I won't go into all that again here.  Still, I've put my health and well-being, which includes ultimate happiness, into the hands of physicians that have, but for a couple of issues, failed thus far.  Now it's up to me--at least that's how I see it anyway.

They don't understand, those doctors.  They don't understand why I'm choosing to risk everything by not taking medications they say I HAVE to take.  They fail to understand that quality of life is everything, and that no matter how long you live--if you're quality of life is nil.. what's the point?  "I" get it, and that's all that matters.  Ultimately, it is my life and my choice.

Given these are recent decisions to clear medications from my system to help myself get to the bottom of this debilitating fatigue, etc., perhaps the dreams I have these days are simply telling me to 'hurry.'  So that's basically where I get that from, that thought, that guess (because guessing is all I have) as to what my dreams, or subconscious is telling me.  For all the hassle and failure and attempts to try this or that to rectify the situation, I truly believe the message is: HURRY!

It's not as ominous as it sounds.