It's a chronic problem with T. It's a chronic problem with a lot of people in this world and is more evident now than ever. People have allowed a destructive numbness to creep into the very fabric of who and what they are. The consequences of embracing indifference is that it becomes a part of you, defining you, and ultimately destroying everything with its insidious whisperings inside your mind and heart. It's a comfortably destructive habit that will take everything about you and make it its own. It walks softly into one's life as a comforting buffer against anything and everything that makes you...
FEEL. And in the throes of its seductive and blinding embrace... you can be ultimately lost forever.
Indifference is like the sting of a mosquito; with just the smallest amount of anesthetic you won't feel the effects until it's too late.
When blind indifference takes hold of a person it's usually a selective process that often singles out just one, at first unwitting, individual. Damage is done to both sides, but the effects of the one staring into the face of indifference are far greater in intensity and much longer-lasting. Honestly, as much as we humans try to distance ourselves from the hurtful effects we too often fail at removing ourselves effectively. That doesn't mean we don't on some level understand what's happening, and usually several attempts are made to make the other aware of what they're doing. But true to indifference's nature our words, actions, they all fall on completely deaf ears.
I've been through two relationships of indifference, and both times I ended up not caring a flip about that person in the end.
Over the last few years I've come to see indifference from new angles, and I no longer believe that I'm the one who has the responsibility to fix what's happening. On the contrary. I wasn't put on planet earth to fix anyone, except myself. If indifference is really all that person has to offer, they have absolutely nothing to offer. At least not to me.
While I've focused yet again on 'the thing' that I want to talk about, I haven't actually shared where I am in this whole thing.
Where I am in all of this and why talking about it matters...
In context, indifference matters a great deal when it comes to me and my life, my emotional and physical health. It directly affects how I go about the course of my life, the details of who I am and what I want and need are blurred beneath the sharp blades that attempt to obliterate all in its path.
Case in point: Following the first IV iron infusion for anemia there were symptoms that I couldn't pin-point, ones that usually put someone on alert. With my heart and lung issues, having severe breathlessness and chest pressure is one of those things you simply shouldn't ignore, no matter who you are. A smart person would at least mention it to whoever they're living with, or call someone to let them know what's going on... to be on the safe side. Though, I have to add that it's a good idea to call someone who actually cares, because the alternative could be deadly.
Roughly about a day and a half after my IV infusion I had an 'event' that evening that startled me. I had just gotten into bed and found the usual breathlessness that I experience every night (heart issues), but instead of easing a little.. it actually intensified... a LOT. I found myself feeling as if an elephant was sitting on my chest, and I was gasping for air. Literally gasping for air. This went on for about 10 minutes or so until I became so fatigued by it all that I actually fell asleep. But before I fell asleep I alerted T to what was going on. He was actually standing near my side of the bed and wide awake, and when I told him what I was feeling, while gasping for air between words, he..said.. absolutely nothing. Nothing at all. He went around the other side of the bed and laid down in silence while I continued to gasp for air.
I propped myself up on my side on one elbow, still unable to breathe correctly, still gasping for air and trying to slow down my breathing.. thinking it may help. I'm not prone to panic attacks and felt no panic at all while this was going on, hence my not insisting I go to the ER. Was it concerning? Of course it was! But I believed it would pass. And it did.. after I fell asleep. I was exhausted by the experience. Utterly exhausted.
The next day T went to work as usual and didn't mentioned what happened the night before. What this left me with, like several other 'acts of indifference,' was a deep-seated mistrust, and it went so deep to the bone that I cannot shake it no matter what. But in reality, I don't WANT to shake this mistrust because it's necessary. This isn't the first time or first issue that's come along to instill a strong self-protectiveness.
T, I have found, doesn't really care much for anything any further than about 6 inches outside his own skin. He's aware of it, I've tried to talk to him about it, strongly suggested he "Pick something and practice giving a shit," and all for nothing but wasted breath and wasted time. I don't have any inclination to continue wasting energy and time on someone who's not willing to give a damn.
Whenever something of vital importance arises, T is "absent." He's not plugged in. He's not at all invested. And this is why I grow increasingly weary of involving him in anything important that's going on with me, my health, and so on. He's basically now on the outside, and he's even indifferent to that.. until he feels it's going to affect him personally in some way. *sigh*
There will be a PART II to this, because it's a huge huge issue for me, and one that is helping to destroy my health. It's about time I talk about it ALL, and it's just too much for a single entry.
I'm exhausted. Deciphering indifference is a huge energy-suck, and I just don't have any energy to spare.
If you don't FEEL anything---don't waste my time!
