Whatever the Hell That Means

Normal.  No idea what that means anymore.  Every day something changes, and I'm left completely taken aback by the sheer ridiculousness of it all.  But is it really ridiculous, or is it just that I'm finding I can't sort through the mess on my own and come to any conclusions as to how I'm going to deal with this ever-changing situation with my health?  I've gone back and forth so many times with this and have yet to come up with anything that makes any sense at all.  Maybe it's time I stop trying to make sense of what this is and focus on living with what I'm dealt with for the time being.  And maybe, just maybe, I need my head examined. ;p Okay, so that's always a given, isn't it?

My focus is lost as well, and that's to be expected I suppose.  Being sick, really sick isn't something that inspires keen insight and razor-sharp focus, now does it?  I get that, and I accept that as my reality at the moment. Still, where do I go from here?

I'm not sure who's reading all blogs, some of my blogs, or just one... but I've been trying to sort through this newness from every angle, and as you can imagine.. I'm mostly failing.  New symptoms jumped on board today, others have returned from my anemic past, and I'm left sitting here wondering who I can, if anyone, to ask for a re-test of my ferritin levels.  Things is, I'm just too damn tired, too sick... to want to deal with leaving messages for nurses and waiting for a return phone call to state my case.

Nausea and a complete absence of an appetite; a huge change from yesterday.

Prednisone is known for messing with blood sugar, known for massive water retention, and a plethora of other undesirable side effects.  They're necessary evils for those who have to take it to avoid potentially life-threatening complications of various diseases.  In my case, I'm using it to get my body in remission from autoimmune hepatitis, something that will destroy my liver if I leave it untreated.  I accept what must be done, of course.  In the meantime, up until today I've had to fight off relentless hunger, which is a common side effect of Pred.  Today.. is quite a different story altogether...

I noticed a few days ago that my taste has changed, and while at first it was only slightly noticeable, today a wave of nausea hit me and I realized my hunger was absolutely and completely GONE.  In fact, the thought of food makes me sick to my stomach.  This is a major turnaround and one I'm not quite sure what to do with.  And yesterday, my tongue felt sore... as it does today, and with that soreness is an almost numbness.  What gives?

No answers yet.  But I'm starting to wonder if the prednisone has already begun messing with my blood sugar in a major way.  I'm choosing not to think that, but instead.. I'm thinking maybe the anemia is returning.  I don't know WHAT the hell is going on, but I can tell you I don't like it one single bit.

So now what?

I have absolutely NO idea.

In this quiet place

I guess in some ways I've just allowed myself to vent in order to keep from losing my mind.  A lot of us do that.  And every day I try and find ways to make myself think differently, feel differently, and live differently in order to find myself again.  I'm okay with admitting I'm lost right now, and I believe being lost isn't always the worst thing a person can be or feel.  If you're lost, maybe it just means you've wandered many paths to find the right one.  It's certainly a better way of thinking about it than simply taking the stance that you're unable to find you way---no matter where you are.  I'm reaching out, but I can't really say who or what it is I'm reaching out TO.  It is what it is.  Questioning too much right now just makes things far too complicated.

So how do I feel today?  Self-assessment says I'm feeling tired, run down, and I'm experiencing some irritation with these possible PVCs.  They, along with the iron deficiency anemia make me breathless, fatigued, and TOTALLY uncomfortable.  Just scratching the surface of that, because I'm really not in much of a mood to talk about every detail.  And I'm pretty sure it's not what anyone wants to read.

Here I am, then... just contemplating WTF to do next.  Which is pretty much par for the course these days anyway.  Life is a constant weirdness.  What can I say?  (smiling, here)

Well, the next step (I guess) is just more of the waiting game.  I get to see my PC doc on Thursday about the anemia and what, if anything, do we do about it.  I say 'if anything,' because a larger part of me hopes it will just go away.  Yeah, yeah.  Still, why not expect it to resolve on its own, rather than expecting it not to?  Rhetorical statement.

I'm not going to dump everything in this one entry, because it will turn into topic-salad quickly.  That, and it will end up one of those novelettes that I'm known for writing at times. ;p  Be happy I'm sparing you that much, at least!  Getting to the point these days, as you know, isn't my strong point, so it just stands to reason that I, for now, keep the topics somewhat separated.  Easier for you.  Easier for me.

Blah blah blah.

And junk.