Ever-Wondering Why I Bother to Give a Damn

It was a long holiday weekend filled with packing, moving a few loads over to the new house, and lots of anxiety having to be around T for that long.  I'm not being mean here, I assure you, but the magnitude in which he's "just not there" is ever more apparent when we're around each other too much.  And honestly, it drags me down and wears me out beyond words.  Not sure how I can handle this much longer.

I try very hard to be patient and understanding, but it's nearly impossible to feel those things when the other person is simply not trying at all.  I'm a ghost in my own household (notice I didn't say "home"), and the weight of being absolutely trapped is taking a tremendous toll on me both physically and emotionally.  Life isn't supposed to be this hard.

He's supposed to go visit his family in Florida next month, and no.. I'm not going.  By choice.  I'm simply not up to that long drive right now, and honestly... I really need the time alone; maybe I'll be able to breathe for once.  I'm a little scared I'll like being by myself much more than I realize.  Though it really wouldn't surprise me...as I crave space, peace, breathing room, a place to stretch these broken wings and try and remember what it feels like to fly.

...It was another weekend with my pointing out all the ways he tries to control me, how he treats me like a child, how he doesn't respect me... and as always it falls on deaf ears.  Oh, he vehemently INSISTS that he understands what I'm trying to say to him, that he gets it, that he will try harder, and so on..and on..and on..and on.  His words mean very little to me anymore, and his WORD... means even less.

I can't rely on him following through.

Honestly, I could understand his not being able to follow through on some things if there were a REASON.  But there's not.  He simply just... doesn't.  And it's very telling.

In the meantime I try desperately to hold on, to remember who I am, to remember my dreams, wishes, hopes, goals, and to remind myself that my needs matter too.  I also have to work on not being completely rolled over by him when he does this; and I have to say it's nearly impossible.  I mean, let's face it---I'm not the toughest person, and I'm sensitive to both people and environment.  And my environment right now is NOT conducive to happiness, joy, OR healing; three things of which I need desperately in my life.

How the hell did I get here?  Rhetorical question, really.  What I should be asking myself is 'How did I get here AGAIN?!'

Okay, so truth be told I'd have to say I HAVE asked myself that question and know how I got here again.  I'm not in the awful places that I've been in the past with relationships, but this one isn't healthy for me at all.  So what do I do so that I can thrive, live, and be able to breathe in my own space?

That's the million dollar question, isn't it?

And I'm working on that...

I am.  I have to.

HAVE to.