Well. Damn.

If there's anything that I'm NOT afraid of it's doctors and needles.  I don't mind a shot when necessary, and I don't mind blood work or IVs when needed.  However, one thing I discovered today is: I rather NOT okay with giving injections to myself.  And that, unfortunately, is what it's come to... at least right now.

So I saw my Endocrinologist today regarding my lab results for Cushings, Adrenal Fatigue, and... blood sugar issues.  The latter was a big concern because I ended up with Cushing's Syndrome while taking Prednisone, long-term (approximately 3 months).  My allergist stated flat-out that I would be lucky NOT to end up with Type II Diabetes due to my reaction to the Prednisone.  Lovely.  Especially given that my mom and oldest sister both had it (both deceased).

I have other health issues so the drug my doctor wanted me on can't be an option right now.  Lucky me, instead I get an injection... a treatment for Diabetes that's used for PRE-Diabetes/Insulin Resistance--which is where I'm at right now.  Damn.

Serum fasting glucose, Glucose Tolerance Test, AND serum Insulin were taken to assess IF I were in trouble and how badly.  My fasting INSULIN was double what it should have been, my fasting glucose was 111, and at one point... my fasting glucose (in the past few months) was 123.  I had NO idea about that 123 FG.  So here I am having to give myself a lovely injection in my abdomen (skin) once a week for 2 weeks to see if I need to continue that or not, long term, OR... if she's going to put me on another protocol.

The GOOD news is, at least on this one test, my adrenals are perfectly fine and right in the middle of the normal range.  She doesn't completely trust it so wants to test them again in 2 weeks to see where it is.  I also have to have my A1C tested again in a couple of weeks.

It's begun.

I'm NOT looking forward to giving myself an injection, even IF it's an automatic device and pre-loaded.  Just YUCK!!

I have hypOglycemia symptoms and have had those in the past.  I won't explain the process here of what happens BEFORE a person ends up diabetic, etc., because it's more time and energy than I have right now.  But hypOglycemia symptoms suck pretty bad.  Weakness, shaking, fatigue, cold sweats, headaches, etc.  What fun.  However, we're not exactly sure what's causing the chronic pain.  Endo says she also wonders about a myositis situation given the elevated Aldolase on a couple of occasions.  It's not elevated NOW, but I also was on prednisone and Imuran for 3 months, so that took care of any inflammation there might have been in my muscles.. causing muscle breakdown.

I don't know how anyone will ever be able to nail down the cause of the muscle pain after my having been on corticosteroids.  I just don't know.

Well, the pain is pretty severe so am going to sign off for now.  Wish me luck in the morning when I have to give myself my first injection.

What I Want.

I guess I got most of the rant out of my system in my other blog, so I'm going to try and avoid going there again here.  I can't promise anything except that I'll try.  I've seldom allowed myself to talk about what I want, or what I need.  There are reasons for that, but they're not important at the moment.  Either way, maybe it's time....

Many times I lay in bed at night listening to music and remembering how I used to feel when I was healthy and mostly pain-free.  It's not an easy task, remembering when I didn't feel pain 24/7.  But it's necessary, even critical that I not lose that memory of feeling well, healthy, at ease, calm, and... good.  That's my task each night as I lay there in the darkness.  I don't mind revisiting, but it's getting more difficult as the pain gets in the way.  So what do I think about, dream about?  Well, it's not as important what I think or dream about but actually what I ABSOLUTELY NEED to thrive.  And on those I'm very clear.

I need peace:  Peace is easy, imho.  To me, peace is the result of respecting the environment around you and everything in it.  It's not complicated to understand that a person's environment deeply affects their lives---and the health of those who live in that environment.  Having a clean house is important to me.  NO, I'm not talking about a sterile environment where a few specks of dust sends me over the edge.  I have a dog and have had pets most of my life, so I can't afford to be picky given that.  Basset Hounds shed, at times drool, and... well, that's life with a dog. :)  I wouldn't change it for the world.  However, there are some things that should be done on a regular basis for me to be comfortable and happy in the confines of whatever space I'm living in.  Just one word: clean.  that word is easy to understand, and easy to accomplish.

So how is it that 'clean' translates to 'peaceful' to me?  Well, it just does.  I'm a clean person and find a clean environment very comfortable, very peaceful.  It's not the only thing that instills peace, but it's a damn good start.

Picking up after oneself.  If you make a mess, clean it up.  Don't create messes, especially necessary ones.  And don't rely on other people in the house to do it for you.  Easy.  I raised my kids and don't feel like cleaning up after an adult one, meaning... my other half.

I need more than tv to 'live' my life!  T wants to sit in front of a tv during every spare moment of his life.  As for me, I can't do that.  Sometimes, yes, of course.  But not every spare moment.

I need to EXPERIENCE LIFE!  Sitting at home every spare moment waiting for 'some day' to come along, or 'retirement' to usher in actual living isn't my thing.  It will never, ever be.  I'm very sick right now, more than I've let on here, but... even with that my entire spirit cries out for EXPERIENCE.  I want beauty in my life, to experience something else, anything else than the chronic dullery of the status quo.  I want to see places here in the US I've not seen, to be awed, inspired, and fulfilled.  I want to take my camera and capture every moment.  Drive just for the love of driving, and MOVE through life instead of watching stupid tv shows to see other people living through fiction.

I need to have fully-engaged conversations with other human beings!  T talks, and he's brilliant.  He has a 150 IQ, two masters degrees... but doesn't like to engage much in conversation.  I often just give up quite honestly.  There's a lot to talk about, be it life here at home or anything going on in the world, cars, photography, nature, and hundreds of other topics... even shows on tv we mutually like. But that fails miserably most of the time.

I need beauty, engaging conversation driven by passion for the subject, laughter, joy, hope, dreams, and just to be completely comfortable in my own skin again.  I need to eat clean, healthy... and not have to fight every single day to do so.  I need to have at my disposal the tools necessary to help myself.  Is that so much to ask?  I don't think so.

I need to feel passion for my life again.  I need to feel excited about my life again.  I want to feel actual health, vitality, energy, and LIFE coursing through my entire body again.  I want MY life back, rather than to be forced to live my life through that of another.

I.
Want.
MY.
Life.
Back.

I need healing.

It's My Blogger, I Can Whine If I Want To, Whine If I Want To.....

You would whine too if it happened to youuuuuu! No, not really.  But it made for an intro that invoked a smile, even if a small one, right?  My busy week has left me wondering, unsure, and stuck in a health loop that I'm not sure will end easily.  Wow.  Like THAT doesn't sound familiar.

Life being what it is we just need to get things off our chest or deal with the consequences of, well, holding it all in until we lose it.  Right?  Right.  I suppose many people have their own way of dealing with or working through things life tosses their way, but for me.. I have many outlets.  Blogging, however is the one remaining on my list that I can actually use at the moment.  So be it.

I already talked about the elevated ferritin, so I'll leave that one be for the moment.  I saw an Endocrinologist yesterday who believes I have (((( wait for it  )))) Adrenal Fatigue caused by (((wait for it again! )))... long-term use of Prednisone.  I knoooooooooow!  *Putting on my best shocked face*  Basically what this means is that the prednisone put my adrenals to sleep and I have absolutely nothing to help me with ANY kind of stress.  I've been stressed for YEARS; Chronic, nearly 24/7 unbelievable stress, both emotional AND physical.  Then, I have to do a 12 day Pred Pac last year, then 3 months THIS year.  The thinking is that, because I went into Cushings Syndrome, my adrenals shut down.  And this is what happens when you develop Cushings.

I have almost every single symptom, and my Endo doc recognized what it is.  It can't be confirmed without blood work, and I got that today.  And tomorrow, because of the Pred, because of the Cushings, because of the possible adrenal fatigue.. I have to have glucose testing to see if my pancreas is damaged and I'm edging, or IN, the throes of diabetes.  My serum glucose is not showing overt diabetes, but that doesn't tell the entire story.  Type II diabetes is one of the more common side effects.  Nifty, huh?  *sigh*

The other appointment I had today was with my bone doc.  Got the MRI results back, and as suspected, I have a torn rotator cuff.  Surgery, because my arm is UNBELIEVABLY painful when I move, is the only option for me.  Day surgery, they'll repair the tear, file bone spurs, and send me home with pain meds and a few restrictions for a while.  There are two problems with proceeding right away with surgery is the fact that I have been on Prednisone and it was 'long-term.'  The other problem is the possible adrenal fatigue.  You can't add additional stress to the body when it basically lacks any defense.  Suppressed adrenals are VERY bad news, and in this case it would mean my body couldn't handle the physical stress of surgery, even minor surgery.  Getting upset at someone will shut you down completely when your adrenals are "asleep."

I can't go into all the details about adrenal fatigue because, literally, it would take a research paper to explain what it is in detail as well as the processes involved.  It's progressive if it isn't addressed and quickly.  People can be heading down that road for years and not even know it, and if you're on that road already... prednisone will push you right over the edge.  And it will.. WRECK. YOUR. LIFE.

So where I am right now in this is simple: Wait for blood test results to see IF what I'm dealing with actually IS adrenal fatigue, and go from there.

Not much else I can do.

Guess I'm done for now... arms too tired to type much longer.

Oh... hope you like the song I left for you guys....

The Maze of A Single Day.

Music: Sounds so much better with external speakers or head phones.  However, this is one of their best I think. "Everytime" by Broods.

This morning I woke and resolved myself to going into each of my blogs (links in the side menu bar) and posting.  It's the one way I have to work through whatever's happening in my life.  My one outlet, my only hope of unloading the bad, or tossing the good into the breeze like digital confetti.  The latter is rarely ever the case anymore, but... if I'm honest with myself each and every day then I'm doing something good for myself right there.  Still, the path through my days has so many twists and turns that it's incredibly easy for me to get completely lost inside the confines of my own life and environment.

Whether it's navigating around pain, fatigue, weakness, or whatever.. it's a maze I can get lost in if I'm not very careful.  So, I'm actually out of bed.  And oh yeah, this is something worth celebrating.  If you only knew.  But I've managed to force myself to get out of bed and at least go into the dining room for as long as I possibly can.  After having that hour long MRI the other day, I have to admit, accomplishing that one task is difficult.  Yet, here I am, somewhat among the living.

It's just me, Pandora radio (Broods at the current moment), a last cup of coffee, my blog, my dog, and my pain.

While T is outside trying to wreck the lawn mower by running over tree limbs... I'm trying to not feel stressed or anxious about that.  *sigh*

God help me through yet another day....

Been a very long time since I've heard this...

MRI, Lab Results, and... Fireflies....

The problem with my shoulder has gotten much worse and I'm pretty much unable to use my arm for little more than simple tasks... such as typing.  I was referred to bone doctor, who sent me for an MRI, which was yesterday.  An hour long MRI... did not sit well with my body at all.  I won't go into all of that now, but... now I wait to find out if it's a torn rotator cuff, which the bone doc thinks it is.  So much for that.

I also received a call from my PCD about some labs that were done about a week ago, and I'm once again being referred back to my hematologist.  Ugh.  The last time was about a year ago and was  for low ferritin (anemia).  I received iron infusions for that and was fine in that respect, and my ferritin levels were restored to normal.

THIS time, my ferritin is elevated.  Again, the last few tests it was right in the normal range where it should be.  I don't eat much red meat (not a big fan and prefer a plant-based diet), and any protein sources usually include chicken and fish mostly, and on occasion... red meat.  My multi-vitamin does NOT contain iron because I'm in pre/meno so well, to be blunt, I don't get any visits from Aunt Flow or Uncle TOM anymore, not in almost a year now.  No need for iron in vitamins when this occurs.

Anyway, so... I have to see the blood doctor to find out why.  Not sure if timing is the key here, or if this is just a really good indication that I'm NOT dealing with hemochromatosis, which is iron overload.  I don't believe for a second I have that.  But it still is almost always due to liver issues.  Ugh.. which most of you guys know I already have (Autoimmune Hepatitis, or AI).

Thankfully my ferritin level is only mildly raised... but I was told it's still needs attention because it means my body is absorbing more iron than it should.  I do have to say I find this odd since I really do eat very little meat.  No telling wth is causing this, but... another wait and see situation I guess.

On another note---FIREFLIES!

I've seen a few of these little guys flying about lately, but there were MUCH MORE yesterday.... and that's beyond awesome!  I DO NOT EVER, NOR DO I THINK IT'S OKAY to catch them in a jar!!  They're population is dwindling---a very sad fact---so in the very short season of their lives... let them live!  They have to have firefly nookie to maintain their population!  lol Well, it's true!

So my front and back yard is covered with them in the evenings... and, the big light at the end of the driveway is being turned off.  It's billed to us, so we can choose to have it on or not.  We're choosing NOT to have it on due to artificial light hurting the mating process of these amazing creatures.  We also don't over-mow the lawn so as to allow as much of the population to grow as possible.

I.  Absolutely.  LOVE.  Fireflies.

Lucid Dream..

I had my first lucid dream.  At least I think it was my first.  You know how dreams are... some of them you just can't remember.  But this one was pretty clear, and it had the usual recurring theme as my dreams tend to have, which has been the way of my dreams nearly my entire life.  There are basically 3 recurring themes, but I won't get into those now.  But as dreams go, this one was quite different then all the others.

The dream:

I was home, in 'my' room doing nothing but sitting quietly on the bed and looking out the window.  Clouds outside were very low, dark, broiling... and they shifted into what I recognized as a tornado (common theme in my dreams and not in the least scary, btw).  I jumped up and ran into the living room looking to see what damage there might be, can I yelled out to T that there was a tornado.

I could see the deck out back was damaged, the railing torn, and some trees, etc. were damaged.  I then walked into the breakfast nook area, and this is when I noticed the furniture was different, the room was different, and outside the breakfast nook window was another room.. instead of the deck and gorgeous view.

Once I realized everything was different I stopped, turned a little bit and told T... "Oh.  Never mind.  It's is just a dream." I then just looked around quickly, amused that I was dreaming.. then woke.

Weird.

And I don't mind weird at all, but... I felt in my dream, as I do after waking from an interesting or otherwise really good dream, rather.. disappointed.  Perhaps it was because I felt as if I had control of things in the dream, and much less so than in real life.

Whatever caused this lucid dream--I hope it happens again, because... I rather liked it.  Honestly, I wish I felt in real life the way I do in my dreams.  Why?  Because it's more like 'living.'

"You've chosen lessons of pain"

I received a message with this video in it yesterday.  I have no idea who the person is who sent it... but, oddly.. this is one of my favorite songs and one I listen to every night.  Headphones on, dark room, and songs to obliterate the thoughts....

The Greatest Misunderstanding of My Life.

I know who I am.  Or, at least who I'm supposed to be, who I used to be, and who I still am inside.  She's in there--I can hear her.  It's not the first time I've lost myself to a situation or another person.  It's all quite familiar, and not at all in a good way, I promise.  No need to talk about how I got here, because I've vented on that enough times that it's cemented in 'moot' at this point.  What I need to work on, find and deal with is the 'how' of where my life is currently.  HOW do I get out?  How do I repair myself, heal myself?  HOW do I go about finding the help I need to lift me into the light, to the only place I know healing can happen?

How?

All the self-talk, and all of the ideas that enter my mind late at night when I'm alone in the quiet, the dark and with only my thoughts... falls short of having any impact in the light of day.  Why is that, I wonder?  How can I find what I need and have it slip through my hands as the light slips through the window?  Exactly what part of me gave up so completely that I can't even hold onto the little resolve I have when faced with my own thoughts?

If I could only be able to answer any of those questions without having to add yet another question mark.

Clearly I know what I need--on the surface anyway.  There's no misunderstanding about where I am o want to be.  The problem arises from my not having any guidance as to how to GET there.  Just when I think I have every answer to every question, the mask slips off the face of mother solution, leaving me to wonder how a person can misunderstand themselves so completely?

I'm talking through pain, so if there's anything incoherent in what I'm saying... that's why.  As this misery reaches an intolerable level I'll most likely make much less sense.  Won't that be fun?  Ugh.

Okay.  So have I misunderstood things in general?  Have I missed the mark, the answers, the intent of what's around me?  All I want is answers, solutions, and to STOP being in pain all of the damn time, to get back to me, to feel like me, to FEEL GOOD AGAIN.

Sigh.  Apparently.. I'm asking way to freaking much.

**prayers**

I'm not going to talk about the Florida tragedy today.  The entire morning was consumed with conversation about it, here at home and online.  What else is there to really say about the situation that hasn't already been said?  I'm simply not going to go there... here.  Prayers for the victims and family....

Getting it ALL off my chest.

Well, it's a little cathartic to be able to vent, to scrutinize, to assess, to get it all out when something's bothering me.  If you want to know exactly what I'm talking about... it's HERE.  PART I and PART II were needed as this was, well, you'll see if you're curious enough to go there and read.  The discussion was about Beta men vs Alpha men and the necessary balance of power in a relationship.  I'm past that now, moving on, and wondering what the hell I'm going to do about my life as it is at the moment... not much of a life at all.  Aren't I always struggling with this?  Don't answer.

Exhaustion overcomes on the other side of stress.  I'm pretty much there at the moment and fighting like hell to defeat its encroachment.  What I'm left with is a familiar struggle to find my strength and focus again.  It's okay.  It is what it is.

I have to face each day like I don't remember the one before.  I can't allow myself to have any regrets, or allow the sense that I lost yet another 24 hours of my life.  There aren't any do-overs.  What I do is wake and think to myself.. "Today is the day."  It's a mantra of sorts, and one that has yet to actually work.

I'm spent.  Working on those two hefty entries has left me with virtually nothing.  So, if you're curious... click on the link above to read the most of today's crapola.

"G" gave me an order! OH NO SHE DI'NT!

OH yes she did! ;p  And then we cracked up, drank coffee, and drained our cell phone batteries talking.

Basically, we have this same conversation about twice a month, sometimes more often depending on how much I put into my blogs.  You see, she has ONE blog that she pours absolutely everything into.  And that works for her.  Not so much for me.  So, on occasion, like yesterday, she told me I "Absolutely must" put re-share the links across my blogs so people realize I'm not always saying the same thing in all the same places.  Okay.  If I must. ;p  She's a good egg, so I'll indulge her every so often.

The one thing I'm not on board with is her insistence that I talk here about the same things I talk to HER about.  Yeah, no.... I don't think ANYONE is ready for THAT! lol


NOTE: The links below can also be found on the menu section in each of my blogs.  Easy peasy. ;)

My other blogs:

Boo's Juicy Bits

This Free Spirit

Where Fireflies Dream

The Crap I Spew

All Things Ephemeral


Happy now, G?  Now let's see you bring some order to that mincemeat you call a blog. (*snort*).

Yeah, we've been friends for several years so can jab at each other.  All in good fun.. :)

Anger? Surprise? Inspiration at its worst? WTH?

REPOST from my other blog(s):

Sometimes I get a spark of something that inspires me.  Such inspiration doesn't always present itself in the best way, though, but I usually try to go with it when it happens.  Such gems shouldn't be taken for granted but taken advantage of.  It really is that rare.

In the midst of fighting for every drop of energy that can be found wherever it is I can find it, a tiny burst will make its way into the day and nudge me.  Okay, I can certainly deal with that.  Wish there were MORE of it, but I'll take what I can get and go with it nonetheless.

The fuel for this little 'fire' isn't from a good source, definitely not a positive force, and most definitely not from a pleasant source.  Be that as it may, there it is... kind of like when your dog has an accident and you're left looking at it wondering to yourself what you did to deserve such a... 'gift'? lol  Okay, okay... enough with lame attempts at comedy.  Even so, the conversation with a friend of mine earlier today was what ignited this whatever-it-is and sent me on a journey to try and put my thoughts in order.  I found the results of that rather.. lacking.

All this blabbering, to be honest, is just my working through it all.  Not the conversation, because that was interesting and creatively invigorating.  But the chaos I'm dealing within the thought process at the moment is simply trying to pull together the shards of data that's left from past experience.  Anyone who understands this knows where I'm coming from.  G knows.  She gets it.  And, from what I read on her blog(s)... she's been able to run with it without tripping like a clown every step of the way that I've been.  Eh.  I'm still confident that this purging will eliminate the chaff and reveal the good stuff.  I'll be back to discuss that when it happens.

The Art of ASSuming & The Most Powerful Thing To Be....

I spent the last 1/2 hour or so talking on the phone to a friend of mine, who also has a blog as well, and we talked about life, health, girl stuff, and so on.  During the course of the conversation, and as the conversation settled into more meaningful, deeper topics... we both came to the realization that scrutiny is good, and ASSumption is bad.  Okay.  Sounds silly when you put it like that, but why confuse the issue with pretty words?

Somewhere between acquiring information and implementing reason something can go very, very awry, and the consequences aren't anything to write home about.  So why do people fall prey to the rather weak lure of assumption when the truth is often, though not always, fairly interesting?  G and I concluded that we definitely are in the middle of a dung-pile of thrill-seekers who can't handle being removed from the most caustic drama available.  And when it's not available... they set about constructing the facade that will most assist them in their endeavor to be shocked, appalled, thrilled, and mortified.  How crazy is that?  Well, maybe it's not crazy at all.

Humans thrive on drama.  Whether you have drama in your life or not, and it doesn't matter who's fault the drama is, people just can't seem to help themselves when said drama isn't up to par for their taste.  It takes talent, G and I agree on this, and we believe that in all seriousness people hone and perfect this skill that is not at all unlike mental heroin.  Once people try it.. they can't do without it, and when their 'stash' of drama runs low, or it's just not doing it anymore for them, they have to enhance it somehow.

Right before G and I hung up so we could, you know, blog about it (grin)... we both thought there was, in so many ways, a certain kind of power with being honest with blogging AND life.  When you realize your advantage, when it finally hits you that you're actually in a position power... the anger against having ASSumption being projected on you... that's the moment you win.

The most powerful thing to be, hands-down, is underestimated.

Now, this isn't anything new.  I've known this, as most do, my whole life.  Or at least fairly early on at some point... usually in childhood.  Even if we don't recognize it right off deep in our gut we know.  The first time someone doesn't believe us when we're telling the truth--realization sets in.  And either then, or later on in life, at some point in time... you understand fully that the moment people don't give you credit for having intelligence is the moment they relinquish their own power.. to you.

People who don't respect you try, even subconsciously, to discredit you.  This is a very strong form of underestimation of you as a person.  This means they underestimate you, therefore, can't predict what you will say, do, or think at any moment in any situation.  The mistrust they infuse doesn't move beyond themselves and, therefore... they weaken their own ability to 'keep up.'  My question in all of this is.. "Why on earth would they deliberately assume the position of weakness?"  Well, that's something only those people can answer.

I can be amused by all of this easily.  However, as G and I agreed, there's a certain element of pity that comes into play when you realize that when people choose to inject ASSumption into truth that their lives must become terribly distorted as a result.  How can anyone find anything good if the distortion becomes a barrier to actual communication?

At this moment I can visualize G blogging away frantically---excited to know she's not as powerless as she once thought.  It was a good conversation.

Off to re-post on my other blogs, then to read G's blog...

What a weird freaking day.

"We came. We saw. He died."

EVIL has a name, a goal, and a VERY shrill voice.

Weirdness of Dreams...

A strange thing about dreams--the only scary ones are those that present as reality.  At least to me.  But I don't have nightmares, so I'm not speaking of those.  For me, it's how utterly REAL some can feel, and waking up feel like you're not in the right place anymore.  Whether it's the faces and interactions with those real and the obscure, the result is the same.  I wake up feeling utterly at odds with just about everything, feeling something that's almost akin to mourning... as if, by waking, I'd lost something incredibly important.  Such are dreams.

I've spoken about this a few times in my blogs, I know, and I suppose it may seem that it really doesn't have much to do with 'real life' or 'actual reality.'  But doesn't it?  If, as they say, the subconscious drives our dreams, creating that inner reality as we remain a silent passenger on that ride, then isn't it in some way our own reality speaking directly to us?  I rather think so.  Not that it means we have to ACT on our dreams, but at times.... people have, including me.

It's a long story I won't go into, but I actually had ONE dream many years ago that profoundly impacted my life--and for the better.  Let's just say that upon waking that morning I knew I had to change my life, and change it in a way so that it altered the course of my life going forward.  Trust me, it was a very good thing.  I went to bed in one place my head and woke up the next morning... changed.  In the throes of silence it was still, in every way, cathartic.

I'm not going to say my dreams of late have had this kind of impact on me, but they have caught my attention.. as I believe the innermost part of who I am is sending me warning shots.  I wake up somehow knowing that time is of the essence--yet my body refuses to allow me to DO anything in response.  Kind of a real bitch, to be honest.

Somehow I have to find a way, as soon as possible, to reconcile what I can and cannot do with regards to my health and what is absolutely necessary to survive.  Steps I've taken recently, with the decision to stop medication (much to my doctor's chagrin) is a start.. though I won't go into all that again here.  Still, I've put my health and well-being, which includes ultimate happiness, into the hands of physicians that have, but for a couple of issues, failed thus far.  Now it's up to me--at least that's how I see it anyway.

They don't understand, those doctors.  They don't understand why I'm choosing to risk everything by not taking medications they say I HAVE to take.  They fail to understand that quality of life is everything, and that no matter how long you live--if you're quality of life is nil.. what's the point?  "I" get it, and that's all that matters.  Ultimately, it is my life and my choice.

Given these are recent decisions to clear medications from my system to help myself get to the bottom of this debilitating fatigue, etc., perhaps the dreams I have these days are simply telling me to 'hurry.'  So that's basically where I get that from, that thought, that guess (because guessing is all I have) as to what my dreams, or subconscious is telling me.  For all the hassle and failure and attempts to try this or that to rectify the situation, I truly believe the message is: HURRY!

It's not as ominous as it sounds.

The fireflies are back...

I often see them outside the bedroom window at dusk and in the dark.  Sometimes one will cling to the outside of the window sill... and just blink... almost like it's saying hello.  The whimsical part of me remembers better times, before the pain and weakness, when I would go outside and just stand there among them.  There really was no place or experience more peaceful.  Now, I watch from afar, wanting desperately to be a participant again... in life.

Not sure when or if I'll ever be 'normal' again.  I'm losing hope, I have to admit.  My own light flashed brightly then.. simply went out for the most part.  And here I am, waiting in the dark, just waiting for those with the power to help me heal to... help me heal.

I waver these days between hope & depression.  And, there aren't any 'up' times at all anymore.  This severe pain, worse than anything I've ever known, has literally taken over my life.  Now, my life is measured, literally, between those doses of Tylenol... as I wait.

I've sent up the flare....

When I'm without words, music...

When I'm without words, music.....