Many times I lay in bed at night listening to music and remembering how I used to feel when I was healthy and mostly pain-free. It's not an easy task, remembering when I didn't feel pain 24/7. But it's necessary, even critical that I not lose that memory of feeling well, healthy, at ease, calm, and... good. That's my task each night as I lay there in the darkness. I don't mind revisiting, but it's getting more difficult as the pain gets in the way. So what do I think about, dream about? Well, it's not as important what I think or dream about but actually what I ABSOLUTELY NEED to thrive. And on those I'm very clear.
I need peace: Peace is easy, imho. To me, peace is the result of respecting the environment around you and everything in it. It's not complicated to understand that a person's environment deeply affects their lives---and the health of those who live in that environment. Having a clean house is important to me. NO, I'm not talking about a sterile environment where a few specks of dust sends me over the edge. I have a dog and have had pets most of my life, so I can't afford to be picky given that. Basset Hounds shed, at times drool, and... well, that's life with a dog. :) I wouldn't change it for the world. However, there are some things that should be done on a regular basis for me to be comfortable and happy in the confines of whatever space I'm living in. Just one word: clean. that word is easy to understand, and easy to accomplish.
So how is it that 'clean' translates to 'peaceful' to me? Well, it just does. I'm a clean person and find a clean environment very comfortable, very peaceful. It's not the only thing that instills peace, but it's a damn good start.
Picking up after oneself. If you make a mess, clean it up. Don't create messes, especially necessary ones. And don't rely on other people in the house to do it for you. Easy. I raised my kids and don't feel like cleaning up after an adult one, meaning... my other half.
I need more than tv to 'live' my life! T wants to sit in front of a tv during every spare moment of his life. As for me, I can't do that. Sometimes, yes, of course. But not every spare moment.
I need to EXPERIENCE LIFE! Sitting at home every spare moment waiting for 'some day' to come along, or 'retirement' to usher in actual living isn't my thing. It will never, ever be. I'm very sick right now, more than I've let on here, but... even with that my entire spirit cries out for EXPERIENCE. I want beauty in my life, to experience something else, anything else than the chronic dullery of the status quo. I want to see places here in the US I've not seen, to be awed, inspired, and fulfilled. I want to take my camera and capture every moment. Drive just for the love of driving, and MOVE through life instead of watching stupid tv shows to see other people living through fiction.
I need to have fully-engaged conversations with other human beings! T talks, and he's brilliant. He has a 150 IQ, two masters degrees... but doesn't like to engage much in conversation. I often just give up quite honestly. There's a lot to talk about, be it life here at home or anything going on in the world, cars, photography, nature, and hundreds of other topics... even shows on tv we mutually like. But that fails miserably most of the time.
I need beauty, engaging conversation driven by passion for the subject, laughter, joy, hope, dreams, and just to be completely comfortable in my own skin again. I need to eat clean, healthy... and not have to fight every single day to do so. I need to have at my disposal the tools necessary to help myself. Is that so much to ask? I don't think so.
I need to feel passion for my life again. I need to feel excited about my life again. I want to feel actual health, vitality, energy, and LIFE coursing through my entire body again. I want MY life back, rather than to be forced to live my life through that of another.
I.
Want.
MY.
Life.
Back.
I need healing.
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