In the wake of the expulsion of thoughts and feelings I keep inside most of the time, there was a little bit of spillover yesterday afternoon. It comes with the territory, actually, and I wasn't at all surprised that I'd let go enough to vent out loud. I've expressed enough concerns and feelings about the indifference and the whole 'not-giving-a-shit-about-much" previously, but it was met with...ironically...
indifference. How can anyone be happy when something so bland and vanilla cake becomes a way of life for them? I will never understand it, personally, and I've mostly stop trying to get that which is.. "un-gettable." *snort* Shit happens.
It was both draining and liberating to vent yesterday. But it wasn't enough. One 12 minute trip in the car with the master of indifference was all it took to take me right back to square one. That can happen when you're trapped in the car with someone like that. And it didn't go well.
An outburst. Yep. I had one. Wasn't intending to, but the relief and calm hints of renewal and regeneration were no match for another slap with indifference. Those wonderful feelings were just too newborn, far too fragile to withstand something so damaging so soon. Nowhere to escape, all I had was my ability to expel the bad feelings when they came. And so I did.
I think there is no worse place than to be in a car with someone who makes you feel so badly. Without a safe place to retreat to, all that's left is to react. In this case, it didn't make me feel
better, but it did allow me to have a protective layer of indifference myself, born of just too many emotional jabs in all the wrong places. It worked. But I certainly don't want that feeling, or lack thereof, to stick around. Time for action...
In order of find a solution, or solutions as the case may be, I have to shift my thinking, focus, perspective to one that allows me to create an environment that's conducive to positivity. Not easy, but definitely possible. I have to create my own environment and one that doesn't allow others to destroy my happiness. So this means I had/have to ask myself what's REALLY bugging me. Well, I already knew the answer to that---
I'm forced to live in the same household with an indifferent person, one that isn't just indifferent to me, but also to far many aspects of his own life. And the most difficult part of this is----he's content/happy to be this way.
Is there any reconciliation of two souls who are so vastly different?
How does one live in an environment that makes them unhappy and uncomfortable? How do "I" live in that environment, more specifically? Is there any way I will ever be okay with that, and how and where do I indulge in those things that make my life
thrive...?
Thrive. That's a powerful component to living. I don't want to just be alive. I want to
thrive! I want even the most mundane experiences to feel like they're vital components to my life. They're supposed to be. They have to be. Everything should be worthwhile, but we can't always guarantee this is going to be the case. But why not? Why can't they be vital?
They can.
Everything, however, loses its vitality when laden with unhappiness, unrest, indifference from others or even self.
Peace, joy, happiness, calm, and a totally whimsical backdrop to life's story. Yeah. I know I ask for too much, yet I can't help thinking that it's absolutely possible.
I just need those everyday reminders of what reality is right now... to just take a rest and leave me be. Allow me to breathe... just allow me to breathe.
