Decoding the usual. "How are you?" is offered by the polite, and sometimes they actually want to know the answer. Well, for someone who has chronic pain/illness this is one of the most difficult questions to answer, so we have to know, specifically, what it is you actually want to know. That long pause after you ask, that's the wheels spinning while we figure out how best to proceed.
The short route is going to be quick AND expected. "I'm fine." On the surface it sounds okay, believable, and luckily... we're not asked to expound. Now, before we go further with this, allow me now to show things from MY perspective. I'm not sure either of us is ready for this. lol
The question: "How are you?" is often where it all begins.
Decoding the answers....
"I'm fine" rarely ever means I'm actually fine. Decode that reply and you'll know what I'm actually saying is... "I don't know how to tell you how I feel, because I'm betting you really don't want to know." You're still in safe territory here and can relax. But pushing could mean trouble.. for both of us.
"I'm okay" is a bit tricky, because what often follows is.. "Just okay?" Once that door is open there is little way to close it again, and you're going to find out exactly what "Okay" means to me that given day, and this could go anywhere. It could be worse, though, trust me. Escape at this point is possible... if you act quickly.
"I'm good. Hanging in there" is pretty much a red flag that things are very wrong. Here is where you should tell yourself... "Don't ask the question if you don't want the answer." Translation: Run like hell! Everything I've been dealing with has overwhelmed me, leaving me torn between "Help me work through this" and "Leave me alone!" That middle ground is dangerous, because even I don't know how I feel.. other than like shit. At this point, you're probably screwed.
And just when you think it couldn't possibly be worse... you know you've entered the place of no return when I say "Fine," because there is never really going to be any such thing in my life as just.. "Fine." Ever. Here's where it gets hairy, and here is the place where you're going to most likely end up in an uncomfortable silence as we both try and figure out how to proceed. I'm not having a good day at this point and know precisely where I am and how I feel about anyone asking me how I am, and it's not going to end well for you if you ask again or push. At this point..I may be too physically and emotionally wrecked to give an actual answer. Run, Forrest, run!
Anything you say and do can be held against you. Well, just saying to tread lightly here, because you are asking more than I can give. Maybe you can sense this, which has left you with the moral dilemma of.. "Do I answer and risk what I know is coming, or do I risk looking like an insensitive ass and say nothing and move on?" Yeah, this would be a good time to exit stage left, sound the sirens, call for backup, and otherwise get the hell outta Dodge! If you hear "Fine" come out of my mouth, I can pretty much tell you one simple fact: You can't help me right now.
I never said dealing with me was going to be easy these days. My pain, weakness, and the resulting effects have already beaten a lot out of me, and what I'm trying to do at the moment is to simply make it through the day without giving up. *Without giving up.*
At this point I'm going to say may sound rather contrary, but it's important for people to know what it's like (inside) for someone dealing with chronic pain and/or illness. You won't know unless you experience it for yourself, but maybe some of this will help you understand what just happened when you ask.. "How are you?"
Yes, please ask. Most everyone dealing with chronic, invisible illness and pain, etc. really does want someone to care. The question is comforting, even when it's not at all wanted, though the answer could be more than you want or expect. Still---ask. Never mind the answer, or how emotionally charged or depleted it may be. Just ask. It helps, though it may not seem so at the time.
And please be aware of why you're asking. Because, I promise you, *I* will know. I will know if you really want to know how I'm feeling, how I'm doing... or if you just want to know 'What's up?' And if you feel indifferent, it will show.
It's not a girl thing that I'm talking about here. It's not a gender thing whatsoever. When you feel like crap most of the time, or are having a flare-up of whatever it is you're dealing with health-wise... even talking or interacting can become difficult. There are times when we have to deal with everyday life, whether we feel up to it or not, and it takes a toll, one in which few can actually SEE. Oh there could be subtle signs, such as dark circles under the eyes, not looking at all like yourself (which is often the case), etc. But those are often not remarkable enough for most to pick up on, or if they are noticed they're often explained away.
I'm still me, though I often don't feel like myself. I still have patience, but it's strained on many days depending on how long I've been in pain or feeling so weak that holding a cell phone is very difficult. I still want to talk, interact, hear about your life, your passions, and have meaningful conversations; that hasn't changed.
I'm not that difficult to deal with. Even on my most difficult days I fight to remain engaged, attentive, focused, and like 'the old me." I often fail. But I always try.
I am still me.
I wrote this in the context of mild humor, hoping beyond hope that anyone dealing with someone with an invisible, chronic illness can have a different view of what it's like to be asked "How are you?," because such a powerful question can elicit so many different responses in the absence of vibrant health.
Seriously. This was meant to be humorous, though the content may have some sobering elements.
Bear with me. Talk to me. Take me out of the world of indifference I live in and into the light with you.
No comments:
Post a Comment