It really isn't a case of cynicism. Yes, I can be just as cynical as anyone from time to time. But this isn't at all about cynicism and more about just facing the facts of my life as I know it right now. Everyone has to face this from time to time, and sometimes... reality just sucks.
I've written enough over the past weeks (months?) about living with indifference. Meaning... living with someone who is the epitome of indifference, someone who struggles to feel empathy or compassion, among other things. But in the current environment of my life this is a strongly disruptive force to be around on a regular basis. I've no family to 'run away' to while I go through the inevitable process of diagnosis, so I try my best to deal with it as best I can. Many times, most times, my best just isn't good enough.
As you guys know, I often 'elude,' rather than state plainly in my blogs. On occasion I will divulge details, but not enough to tell the whole story or paint the entire canvas. My attempt now is to do just that. I will leave room for error here, as it just depends on if, in my gut, saying so much is the right thing.
I will try.
It's a tired joke. Men don't listen to women. Oh, it's real enough. But I call it a joke because, well, it is very much like a cruel joke. Women need to talk---it's how we are built. Men hate listening to women talk---it's how they're built. But there are exceptions, I know. As for me, I don't live with one of those exceptions, and this is wreaking havoc from top to bottom, from inside and out, and I find myself now reaching-reaching for a kindred soul. It's just the way it is. And the level of indifference on his part is so great that... he doesn't see or get what's happening.
Not being heard, literally.
Being 'heard' but not being heard.
Not actively listening.
Not responding to questions, statements.
Indifference when the situation warrants compassion.
Being on auto-pilot 24/7.
......And oooooh so much more.
I'm not calling him mean, hateful, horrible, or any such thing. He is the way he is, though.. it would have been nice for him to have shown me this larger part of him in the beginning. But the damage being done is significant at this point, and I've nowhere to go to get away from this damaging force so I can breathe...and heal.
He's not in the dark about any of this. He's been told in no uncertain terms how I feel, what he's doing, the effects it has on me physically & emotionally, etc., etc., etc., blah-blah-blah.
Several times now it has come down to my telling him... "PICK something and practice giving a shit about it!" This, in the context it was spoken in, was very much overdue, very much needed, and very much appropriate.
Indifference is the way of the world these days, unfortunately. Online network scenarios take people from REAL LIFE and place them in a facade of life that is misleading and driven by selfishness and ego. Interactions are often play-acting, and people offer up weak platitudes in response to something real and life-altering. Someone posts about a relative dying, and lo and behold... someone plops a MEME, of all things, in the comments thread as a response. Really?
People say things like "You can call me if you need to talk," or "I'm here for you!" But they most often don't mean it. I've had that experience.
But it's such a different expression when real life situations end up exactly like that... and from your BF, GF, or spouse. I mean, wtf do you do with that?
My nights are often fraught with stress and anxiety due to these very scenarios and situations, attitudes and behaviors. After this long I've pretty much reached the end of my rope and have little left to cope with, especially in the face of this illness. Coping with BS when you're sick doesn't happen without a hefty price to your health, both mental and physical.
Bedtime is me laying awake with my earphones in, listening to music, looking online for whatever, and trying to totally distract myself enough to become SO exhausted... that sleep is finally possible. And it sucks. But he's been indifferent enough that I'm completely turned off in every way, shape, and form. And yes. He knows this. And he's done nothing to fix the problem. I'm sorry, but indifference isn't foreplay.
I'm not kidding when I say he's not in the dark about any of this. Platitudes are offered and forgotten. Apologies are offered and forgotten. Promises are offered and forgotten. And the indifference, attitude, etc. and so on...continue. Yeah... my libido exited stage left a while back.
In the face of so many uncertainties with my diagnosis, I could really use someone who's present and accounted for, at LEAST when they're in the same room with me. It's not much to ask.
However, I've stopped asking or expecting. I can't afford the energy expenditure of dealing with his indifference.
Is giving a shit really become something people have to work at? Does giving a shit only happen when someone is going to get something out of caring? Have people become SO self-absorbed that simple human compassion isn't even possible?
I'm kind of liking the idea of taking my life back. I've done it before and have had great results. My challenge this time is that I'm dealing with some kind of illness, Myositis so the specialist says, and I really don't know how to go about it all this time around.
I'm SO freaking tired at the moment. I guess I'm done right now. For those of you who read this, you're lucky. I may take this one down after a few days or so. Will have to wait and see.
Tired or not, I will be making entries in my alter egos... "All Things Ephemeral" and "Boo's Juicy Bits." Maybe I'll see you there...
Later.
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