So..why the two-part post? Well, mostly to spare you guys a bit of frustration and make this whole thing easier to read. They're going to be long, so why not break it up by focus? Same subject, different focus. Because... I love you guys. ;)
Assuming you've read part 1, you know where I'm coming from and how spooky all of this is. Some health issues are scary to some but not to others, and of all the possibilities discussed with my GI dr. yesterday, Myositis/Polymyositis is one of the most frightening to me. I'm leveling that fear, but it's not easy. I've just not been this spooked till now. And it's f*cking difficult, I'll tell you.
Everyone knows that we can all be our own worst enemy. But sometimes, even when we behave like we are our own best friend... there are forces, usually people, who make it nearly impossible, who make the fight to maintain a positive attitude and outlook..a fight. It doesn't have to be this way. So WTF would anyone choose to make another's life more difficult than it already is. And yes, I'm referring to those who do it WILLINGLY and with their eyes wide open. Sometimes people can just not know what they're doing, and I can forgive that easily. But when they KNOW, when you've shown them, told them, explained to them WHY this is the case..and they deny and continue their behavior... I begin to withdraw in a huge way. Self-protection, plain and simple.
I'm in that mode right now.
I'm far from perfect. I make mistakes like anyone, and sometimes they're real doozies. I'm human, and it's going to happen from time to time. But I'm at least making myself aware of my behaviors. Not so much with my other half.
I guess like anyone I've allowed myself to overlook and forgive, make excuses for and sometimes ignore the obvious in front of me when it comes to T. A bad habit of mine, I'm afraid, but one I'm quickening overcoming. I've actually reached a point now where I simply cannot allow it to happen to me anymore. It's destructive to my health, my happiness, my state of mind, my spirit. He's not a horrible person. He's a person who can't for the life of him see much outside of his own personal space.
That's not a good thing. He's controlling in many ways, big ways, and we've discussed this (and much more) ad nauseum. It's done nothing to change anything.
Indifference while professing love. Apologizing while continuing damaging behavior. A lack of empathy and compassion. So much more. I can't keep going along with this. And after my GI appt yesterday I'm even more convinced that I have to start putting my foot down about my health, my life, my needs, my...everything. It's up to me. No matter what. It's up to me.
IF the diagnosis ends up being what my dr is stating he's sure of (but needs ultimate confirmation from further testing)... things could be very bad for me. Myositis/Polymyositis is serious, scary, and can significantly diminish a person's quality of life. Damage to muscle can be irreversible if not addressed early, and we've no idea how long I've been dealing with this. Judging by symptoms I've had for some time now... well, let's not put the cart before the horse here. Thing is, I need a positive, uplifting, supportive environment. And that simply doesn't exist for me right now. Not for a lack of trying, but for having to do damage control each and every day due to someone else's carelessness, indifference, and even out-right damaging behavior.
The climate of my life needs to change. I need to protect myself better than I have, despite what anyone else thinks. So much damage being done.
I'm distancing myself from T for good reason, most of my reasons are stated above, but it goes much deeper than that. MUCH. HE doesn't see the problem. HE is scared to death I will leave...and he should be. But he's killed so much of this relationship, and what's damaged will never be repaired in my eyes. Some things are like that proverbial bell that can't be un-rung. Period.
This isn't a case of unforgiveness or being unreasonable or unkind. Too much time has passed with my trying to reason, etc. and I'm just done. If he doesn't get it by now.. he won't. And I can't allow any further damage to my health, my energy, my state of mind.
IF my doctor is right...stress, anxiety, lack of sleep due to stress and anxiety is only going to make things significantly worse.
Right now I don't have a soul to talk to about this, and that's not easy. People who don't know me well who say "You can always talk to me" or "If you need anyone to talk to..." are really just nosy more than anything. Self-protection stops me from discussing matters of real importance with people who are only curious. I'd rather express it all here online to the entire world than to have a somewhat intimate conversation and divulge my feelings and what I'm going through with someone who is most likely, again, just curious.
Recent gravitation towards a not-so-pretty diagnosis with my health changes everything... absolutely everything.
...just no idea who to talk to about any of this.
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