The Art of Self-Preservation, Control Freaks, Indifference, and Mastering Compassion

Been there, done that, and doing it again.  It's built-in now, I suppose, that automatic retreat/withdrawal to assume the emotional posturing of protectiveness.. of self.  I'm fairly sure that it's just one of those things that are an integral part of me now, a learned response that I've had a few years to become quite proficient at.  All said, I don't see it as a bad thing.

Weekends are hard now, difficult in many ways because I can't retreat so a safe [physical] place so I can catch my breath and find my bearings.  Maybe it's for the best, really, because that would give me far too much time to contemplate the questions I believe I really don't want the answer to.  Such as.. why do people do the things they do to someone they claim to love, and why remorse, apologies, and just simple human kindness is lost on people now... my better half included?  That's definitely a rhetorical question, because that question most likely doesn't have an answer.  Not a all-inclusive answer, anyway.  So be it.  Maybe it's just one of those unpleasant phenomenons that you just learn to cope with, or not, depending on who you are, your past history, etc.  Either way, I don't cope with this sort of thing well, and its effects on me.. suck in every way imaginable.

No one said life was going to be easy all of the time, and those of us with open minds and hearts know all too well how the hard parts serve to teach and strengthen us.  I'm no exception.  I know the value of lessons learned, very much, and they've changed me along the way in my life.  They had to.  Anyone who doesn't change in the process of growing is just spinning their wheels.  I mean, how do you expect to move forward and become the person you are meant to be if you're sitting stagnant in some kind of fairytale land of your own making?  And you guys know that place---we all do--- and it's often a place people retreat to rather than facing and dealing with a situation.  I've never lived in that fantasy world, and I never will.

But there are those who make it very difficult, the people or person in our lives that attempt to micromanage ever move we make, the way we think, and what we do.  Too often those people (or person) attempts to filter our lives through their own.  What I mean by this is... those people who filter who and what you are, your life choices, your wants, needs, passions, wishes, dreams, philosophies, even your decisions through themselves, thus trying to force you to be, think, act, and feel just like them.  If you allow someone to do this to you, I promise, you will lose yourself along the way.

As you lose control, and this can happen in a slow and insidious way, you will see the negative effects in your life, your person, you body, and even in your spirit.  It's a lot like being crushed from the inside-out.  It's damaging.  It's dangerous.  And it will wreck you in the end.

Who wants to be disassembled piece by piece?


On the flip side of these controlling people is the indifference.  It shows itself when you try to be who you are, live like you're in YOUR life and not anyone else's.  Their response can be anything from being flippant to utter indifference.  The latter is often the case, I've found.  I guess it's just easier for them because it requires very little effort.  But that indifference is felt in every core of your being when it happens, doesn't it?  I know a few of you guys have felt this.

Not to say that indifference doesn't happen in normal situations, because it absolutely does!  And even the controlling part.. it's there in all of us, but not to a harmful degree like in those who succumb to it on a regular basis.  But they're there, because we're human.

There's a reason they refer to this as "Cold indifference."  There's nothing warm or loving about it, so the phrase fits like it was tailor-made.

Sure, people can feel indifferent to things, places, actions, laws.... and the list goes on and on.  But that's not what I'm talking about here.  I'm talking about the indifference to a person, the dehumanizing, demoralizing, and hurtful manner in which one displays their lack of compassion.  It's not hard to understand, really.  I mean, if you've felt compassion for anyone or anything in your lifetime, you know what I mean by this.  And if you've never felt compassion.. then, well.. let's just say I'm not here to discuss sociopaths and leave it at that.

Compassion comes easily to some, and not so much in others.  Duh, right?  But I have to state this clearly because there are so many people out there who REALLY don't get it, that there are folks who have to struggle for compassion and don't understand that it is sometimes something you have to actively practice to master.

But we feel it when it's absent, don't we?  We know when someone lacks compassion, because it displays prominently in everything that person does and doesn't do.  And when we're met with it in a personal way...it hurts.

Whether it comes easily to you or not, always practice compassion.  Never ever allow yourself to sink into that cold place where compassion dies.  Feel.  Love.  And never allow yourself to sink into indifference.  Because indifference may or may not change that other person, but it will ALWAYS change YOU.  Fact.

I'm no expert.  I am flawed.  I am not better than anyone else.  Nor do I see myself as 'enlightened.'  I do, however, know that I leave my heart open and exposed to others... because you have to risk yourself a bit to feel compassion.  You guys know that.  It's risky.  Always risky.  But oh so worth the risk.  Because I believe with all of my heart that if you open yourself up..that love and energy flows both ways.  Yes, you risk being hurt, but you also risk being loved.

So, what exactly does this have to do with me?  And yes, I realize that I often choose to talk in generalities to tell you what's going on in my life.  I'm not fighting that approach to exposing my life online, because that's where I am right now.

Indifference.  Lack of compassion.  Losing myself and reaching in the dark to find 'me' again.  It's just where I am.  I make no apologies for this, and I won't ever.

Dealing with illness is hard.  Dealing with not having much control in your life is hard.  Dealing with the knowns and unknowns with health issues is hard.

I will keep on reaching in the dark as long as I have to.

No one said life was going to be easy all of the time.

Emotional Detox (can you handle it?)

Warning!  This is an emotional detox, and I'm not going to apologize for what falls onto the 'page' here.  As with any detox, this is purging the poison, a self-cleansing if you will.  If you can't handle the non-fluffy-bunny rant here, then this is your queue to exit, stage left, while you still have the chance.

Thoughts are rather disorganized at the moment with so much converging at once.  I can't really sort things out where they make sense--just too f*cking much going on.  And yet I will try, as maybe rambling will at least get it all out of my system.

I won't promise my language will be clean.  Again, this is an emotional purging of sorts.  Of sorts.  That's the key, isn' it?  Because I'm not convinced I can completely open up here..even after all this time, after all the very close calls I've had regarding just spilling my guts for the whole world to see.

Whatever.

Waiting on doctor appointments, face to face with people who say they are specialists.  Will any of them listen, or attempt to get down to what's causing all of this?  Maybe.  I wouldn't know.  The waiting game sucks in a huge way--THAT I do know.  I also know how utterly tired I am of dealing with the physical crap going on with me, not knowing how to fix it myself, what to do/not do, or even how to DEAL with it.  Yes, I took care of the majority of the stomach pain with getting BACK on a PPI (Proton Pump Inhibitor), and DAMN was I not happy about that.  I just took myself OFF of one, convinced that it had to be causing most of the problems, if not all.  Then had to go to yet another type of drug that is NOT a PPI... only to find out that it worked for about a week, then.. didn't work at all.  Seriously? *sigh*

But there is still abdominal pain, severe muscle weakness, and I can't get enough sleep!  Really?  I mean.. really?

Then there was weaning myself off the Topamax.  Off of that... and still feeling like crap.  BUT.. it's still good to be on as little Rx's as possible.  But coming OFF those prescriptions has yet to reveal any benefit other than just being off of them.

W.  T.  F.??!!

So I'm sitting here fighting off the urge to make one more cup of coffee.  Caffein--really, the least of my problems.  And I only drink two cups/day now anyway.  Still, I'm fighting the urge.  Maybe it's my body trying to self-medicate?  IDK...

And this damn depression is irritating the crap out of me.  Though I do know that it's not your run-of-the-mill depression.  I'm told it's related to the other health issues and that when they're resolved... the depression will resolve itself.  Either way, I'm not taking any poison for that!  No way, jose!  Even so, I couldn't because of the blood thinner.  It's the feeling of being powerless against this..whateveritis.. that is taking my life away from me piece by piece, day by day.  But I'm still pursuing all avenues to help it on my own until the 'specialists' can offer up something.  Still, what can they possibly offer that will resolve THIS?

Inflammation.  I'm convinced that's what needs addressing.  It's origin means little to me at the moment, as I believe systemic inflammation IS the origin of health problems.

Damn I'm tired.  My thinking isn't quite 'there' today... just... too... tired.

Skipping Stones....

Blast from the past--feeling nostalgic and missing the old days...

When the dreams come...and the fireflies are back..

Wrapped in the velvet of night, they dance and glow despite the shortness of their lives.  They aren't burdened by the thought that their lights will flicker and fade far too soon-- they simply continue to dance.. and shine their lights until the end of their lives.

Transitioning off Topamax has been easier than expected, and it's been an interesting ride thus far.  My sleep has changed again, though not in the respect of pain affecting my sleep in adverse ways.  Still, the dreams....

They're wild, to put it mildly, and perhaps telling if one looked into them too closely...which I tend to do.  I believe, as I was taught in college Psych classes, that dreaming is the mind..actually the subconscious, not the mind.. working out issues or problems, etc.  So when I dream of being in a building filled with rooms and doors and windows...supposedly...it represents me.  Or to put it more specifically.. it represents my 'self.'  I was taught that, in dreams, a house represents the dreamer.  But it doesn't have to be an actual "house."  It can be any structure/building.

This dream, which I had several nights ago, stuck with me because there's a lot, after scrutinizing it a bit, that is fairly revealing...

I was in a building consisting of many floors, a complex maze of rooms, corridors, windows, and doors.  The doors themselves were very telling with their different sizes, shapes, how they opened (standard, shutter-like, etc.), and... the sheer number of locks on them all.  Locks of all kinds...

I was on a very high floor looking down upon streets filled with people.  And not ordinary people, mind you--you know how dreams can be.  So.. most of them looked quite alien in nature...with some being pale white, gray, etc.  But they would change from being alien-like to being just.. people.  And these people wanted IN my building.  I remember feeling anxious, though not exactly afraid, as I scrambled to shut and lock what doors were vulnerable and unlocked.  And I almost succeeded.  All I knew is that I couldn't let these people in.  At all!  And dreams being what they are... someone got in.. and I had that proverbial "Oh shit!" moment...right before I woke.  Yeah.  You know how dreams can be.

I've been very isolated lately--by choice.  I don't let Tom close these days because he's rather 'out of touch' with what's going on with me and what I'm dealing with.  Having 'been there, done that' in the past with others, and also knowing how damaging it can be to be with someone and yet feel completely alone, I knew the only way to protect myself is to isolate myself.  A bit.  From him.  He knows this, because I've talked to him about it.  It hasn't made any difference, and he just keeps saying he doesn't want me to do that, etc... but... he continues to do things that make it impossible for me to stop.  He knows I can't afford to allow stress or unhappiness, etc. to come in and cause more harm to my body and mind.

Being sick isn't a walk in the park, but if one keeps a good mind-set about things.. it can be a drive in the country.  It's really all what you make of it.  "It's your attitude, not your aptitude, that determines your altitude."

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