PART 1: The wait, and a level of inappropriateness in others.

There's not enough caffein in my system right now.  Writing is coming out rather disjointed, no matter what I do or how many times I attempt a re-write.  Some days are just like this.

Yesterday.  The appointment held nothing remarkable for me, nor anything surprising as I'd already seen my labs.  Dr. Vip (What they call him..shortened name) explained the results of my lab work and discussed, but only briefly, the tests coming up on the 18th.  He wasn't "unequivocal" regarding doing a biopsy but reminded me that it was the "Gold standard" in seeing what's REALLY going on in the liver.  It isn't without its risks, so it's not a test doctors jump on right off unless they have absolute need, such in the case of alcoholics who have liver disease.  This isn't the case with me, so the decision was made guardedly.  No need for unnecessary risks.

The biopsy will show what labs won't show, and it's going to be ultrasound-guided so they take the sample from a place that will give enough information.  Then I will have to be there for 4-6 hours afterwards, unmoving, so they can keep an eye on my vitals and watch for problems--which usually means bleeding.  At least it's a day procedure, but it's going to make for a long day just the same.

I've watched the procedure online and have spoken with those in a group online who've had this done.  It's no small thing.  But I knew that.  The needle is inserted between the ribs (total eeewness!), and the procedure is fairly fast.  As for the level of pain, many say it feels like being punched in the gut, while others felt little.  But then some opted out of sedation---who does that?  I'm definitely opting for sedation just because the idea of what they're going to do is going to give me the heebie jeebies.

Following the procedure I will be there for some time to watch for the bleeding (as mentioned), and I won't be allowed to move, not even to use the restroom.  Here's where things get weird for me...  I'm not sure if I want T in the room with me or not, as he rarely helps in situations like this.  Mostly.. I do better on my own.  I'm not allowed to drive afterwards, so he will have to drive.  That's fine.  But I don't know how to handle his being there afterwards.  Why not?....

T is not a terrible person, but he often has inappropriate responses to certain situations.  This has been a huge problem for me for some time now, and I find myself wanting a LOT of distance when I don't feel well, and also when I have to have something important done.  This didn't happen in a vacuum, and it wasn't difficult for me to get here.  I'm back to being very self-protective again.

An example of these inappropriate behaviors include, but are not limited to (by any means!) laughing or finding humor when the situation or discussion, etc. is anything but humorous.  I've only met one other person who is like this.. and she freaked me out on a regular basis.  When this sort of behavior shows itself.. it's a bit like watching someone laugh at a funeral.  Yeah.  It's THAT inappropriate.

Not everyone has compassion, though everyone 'thinks' they do.  And not all who have little compassion are bad people---they just have a bit of ice in their veins is all.  And no, I'm not making light of this.  Many people get along with folks like that, but it's usually those who are the same way themselves.  I'm not one of those people, so this causes a great deal of dissension.  But that's another talk show.

Where am I in all of this?  Now that I can answer...

I'm in self-protection mode and have been for some time.  I'm facing something that doesn't qualify on the same level as getting blood drawn, to say the least, and I feel like I'm going it alone... while feeling also like I WANT to go it alone.  Weird.  But true.  So much damage... that's all I can say.  So much damage to get me to this place.

All I want to do is get better, to heal, to feel energetic again, to embrace life with vitality and enthusiasm again and not feel as if I'm 5 years old being told what to do, what not to do, and unable to make choices for myself.  THAT is what I want!

....compelled to let it all out.  In some way, anyway.

I need another cup of coffee and another entry to continue....

Told you!  It's one of those days.

When the dreams come...and the fireflies are back..

Wrapped in the velvet of night, they dance and glow despite the shortness of their lives.  They aren't burdened by the thought that their lights will flicker and fade far too soon-- they simply continue to dance.. and shine their lights until the end of their lives.

Transitioning off Topamax has been easier than expected, and it's been an interesting ride thus far.  My sleep has changed again, though not in the respect of pain affecting my sleep in adverse ways.  Still, the dreams....

They're wild, to put it mildly, and perhaps telling if one looked into them too closely...which I tend to do.  I believe, as I was taught in college Psych classes, that dreaming is the mind..actually the subconscious, not the mind.. working out issues or problems, etc.  So when I dream of being in a building filled with rooms and doors and windows...supposedly...it represents me.  Or to put it more specifically.. it represents my 'self.'  I was taught that, in dreams, a house represents the dreamer.  But it doesn't have to be an actual "house."  It can be any structure/building.

This dream, which I had several nights ago, stuck with me because there's a lot, after scrutinizing it a bit, that is fairly revealing...

I was in a building consisting of many floors, a complex maze of rooms, corridors, windows, and doors.  The doors themselves were very telling with their different sizes, shapes, how they opened (standard, shutter-like, etc.), and... the sheer number of locks on them all.  Locks of all kinds...

I was on a very high floor looking down upon streets filled with people.  And not ordinary people, mind you--you know how dreams can be.  So.. most of them looked quite alien in nature...with some being pale white, gray, etc.  But they would change from being alien-like to being just.. people.  And these people wanted IN my building.  I remember feeling anxious, though not exactly afraid, as I scrambled to shut and lock what doors were vulnerable and unlocked.  And I almost succeeded.  All I knew is that I couldn't let these people in.  At all!  And dreams being what they are... someone got in.. and I had that proverbial "Oh shit!" moment...right before I woke.  Yeah.  You know how dreams can be.

I've been very isolated lately--by choice.  I don't let Tom close these days because he's rather 'out of touch' with what's going on with me and what I'm dealing with.  Having 'been there, done that' in the past with others, and also knowing how damaging it can be to be with someone and yet feel completely alone, I knew the only way to protect myself is to isolate myself.  A bit.  From him.  He knows this, because I've talked to him about it.  It hasn't made any difference, and he just keeps saying he doesn't want me to do that, etc... but... he continues to do things that make it impossible for me to stop.  He knows I can't afford to allow stress or unhappiness, etc. to come in and cause more harm to my body and mind.

Being sick isn't a walk in the park, but if one keeps a good mind-set about things.. it can be a drive in the country.  It's really all what you make of it.  "It's your attitude, not your aptitude, that determines your altitude."

....

Recprocity, all the juicy stuff.. reloaded.

Or not.  In this case, definitely of the 'or not' variety.  And let me be perfectly clear here---when I stated that shit is about to get real, we've done skipped the "about" part and dove headlong into the "real" part.  You've been warned.. and I'm not going to promise to always use 'ladylike' language, so if you can't handle that... it's best you leave now.  Just in case.

This is what happens when someone has poor quality sleep for as long as I have (outspoken), as well as poor quality in a few other areas of life. We'll get to that second part in short order.

Reciprocity.  What does it mean, really?  Let's start with that, just to be clear and so we know we're absolutely certain we're on the same page with this.  Because, I assure you, it's important.

1 : the quality or state of being reciprocal (shared, felt, or shown by both sides) : mutual dependence, action, or influence
Or.

2 : a mutual exchange of privileges; specifically : a recognition by one of two countries or institutions (or people!) of the validity of licenses or privileges granted by the other.

So.  Understanding the definition of a word is a helluva lot simpler than understanding what makes men and women tick.  Or not.  What's even more complicated is when men delude themselves into thinking they have is all figured out, when they're actually floating around aimlessly in outer space without a single clue as to what--makes--us [women]--tick.  Yeah.  Frustrating.  But we love you for it anyway, regardless.

Now for the shit-getting-real part.  You ready?...?

Partnered sex.  Everyone thinks they know what that is, right?  You do.  I do.  We all do.  But when was the last time you actually gave it any thought, and I mean actually, seriously thought about what it actually means?  Because, honestly, most I've asked, aside from describing the 'act' of intercourse,  actually described anything that has to do with actually 'partnered' anything.  But the thing is, just because the same 'stuff' is involved, and that said 'stuff' is involved at the same time...or even at different times.. doesn't mean the experiences of both people are the same.

Here's the tricky part about reciprocity:  What your partner did for you that YOU wanted may not be what THEY want done for them.. exactly.  Assumptions can ruin a great sexual experience, and far more times than not guys assume this very thing.  Reciprocating... you've done this for me, and I will do that for you--doesn't always work.  In sex, most of the time you're looking for that outcome, the orgasm.  What I'm saying here is... it may not always be the same for her as it is for you, that need.

Now for the worst case scenario, the truly real shit.  Ready?...?

Assuming your engaged in partnered sex when you're actually using your partner as a masterbation tool.  Earnestly partnered sex, meaning sex that is based on shared, mutual pleasure, is far different than one person using another person's body to masterbate to.  Oh yes, it most certainly happens, and not just with oral sex.

If you're in a situation where someone is engaging in a sexual activity with you, despite if it turns you on, if you dislike it, if it doesn't feel good to you, etc... and you're pressured into feeling obligated to do it... it's not partnered sex.  You're being used as a masturbation tool.  In healthy relationships one person or the other may not always feel like doing A or B.  It happens.  No big deal.  You wait, do something else, or simply just put it off until you both feel up to it.  Sex is never a fully pleasant experience if you're overly tired, sick, distracted, etc., and if your partner cares about you as a whole person their libido won't override their humanity.

Not to say the person who is under the weather won't feel up to helping their partner "feel better," but that is something couples work out amongst themselves, hopefully in a loving, respectful, and caring manner.

Look, I'm not an expert.  I'm just someone sorting through my own crap and sharing my thoughts, as well as a bit I learned in my college psych classes, etc.  And this is all forefront in my mind right now because I'm having to make some seriously messed up decisions with regards to my life.  As we all know.. life is too freaking short to waste it away living a way that falls short of anything beautiful and amazing.  So I have a LOT of decisions to make.

As my laptop battery reaches 9% I'm going to say this:  Not all things can be fixed.  Some things in a relationship have to be supplemented, especially when the person who needs to fix the problem proclaims emphatically that they don't intend on fixing that problem.  To state the problem, well, I would have to set my blog settings to 'adult,' and I'm not sure I'm willing to go 'there' just yet.

Told you this shit was getting real.

It's just me being me, wide open, raw, no walls or fences or protection.  Here it is.  Anything I'm holding back is due to my not fully understanding what I can and can't say here based on TOS rules.

My other blogs will be updated---most likely daily---and they won't be copied and pasted from one to the next.  I have a lot to get off my chest.  Apparently.

It's not something you feel. It's something you DO.

Love.

I listen to the stories of others and feel their confusion.  Their pain.  Their bewilderment.  The despair threaded through the last decaying blooms of hope.  And I recognize so much of what they're going through.  I'm powerless to help, but I can listen, and I can tell them what I learned.

When it happens to someone close, a family member, someone going through health issues, it's 100 times more heartbreaking.  And my fierce protectiveness rises up and I feel like a protective warrior willing to take the pain, the wounds, every emotional hit and bleed until I'm spent.  But it never really happens like that, does it?  Dammit.  But I would.  Oh, but I would.

I see the signs and recognize the hateful phrases and hurtful behaviors in her.  I'm glad he's tough, and I'm glad to see his self-esteem isn't trashed like mine was, and still is in many ways.  I raised my sons to be strong inside, yet gentle and kind, respectful.  I suppose those are the ones who end up getting the worst of it sometimes.

I don't get in the middle of their marriage and never will.  It's not my place.  I don't treat her badly, because that's wrong.  But if she abuses him further.. I won't remain quiet for much longer.  I keep my peace for his sake.  High blood pressure and an ulcer at such a young age is telling, and the erratic, crazy behavior, the uncaring attitude she displays... isn't going to bode well for her.

I did warn him to day to protect his health and his life, because this is not the same thing as taking a bullet to save your child or loved one.  You simply don't risk a heart attack or stroke or bleeding ulcer (or worse if it doesn't heal!) by staying with someone who isn't on board with your getting healthy!

He said she gets angry if his stomach is painful and he chooses not to go out do something she wants to do.  She gets angry because he has to eat a low-sodium diet and doesn't eat pizza or something else that will harm his health.  When he does things to take care of his health, when he chooses to eat right, not eat or drink things that will harm his health... she gets angry and tells him.. "It's always about you!"  I mean, what the actual hell??!!

And... she's taken to yelling at him for, of all things, paying his child support!

One of his friends works on a pipeline and is possibly being promoted soon.  If that happens, he will be putting a crew together, and he stated my son would be perfect for his crew.  This would mean traveling for work for my son.

I hope my son gets this job.