When you find yourself saying "I'm a light sleeper"....

Until the last few months I really had no idea or understanding of what that phrase actually means.  To someone who is chronically tired, falling asleep during the day, and just not feeling well at all, those words come to have a greater meaning upon discovering that being in a state of 'light sleep' most of the night can have serious consequences, especially over the long haul.

I can't tell you how many times over the past 15 years I've said "I'm a light sleeper."  My kids are grown with kids of their own, but I remember as far back as the 70's, when my first son was born, how I would wake up quickly and thoroughly when they would make even the slightest sound.  It's 'mother's intuition' or 'mother's hearing,' as some call it.  But in the last 15 years I've come to accept this 'light sleeper' thing as simply remnants of that 'mother's hearing,' due in part to the fact that this works with my pets as well.  Just the slightest sound, especially when it sounds 'wrong'... I awaken.

Over the past 6 years or so, at a guess, my sleep patterns have gotten significantly 'off,' leaving me to awaken at ANY sound.  A car passing by my house, the sound of neighbors' voices, rain, thunder, someone just being awake in the same house I'm in, someone using the restroom... I can't really think of much that WON'T wake me.  And very recently I've come to discover the effects of this sort of sleep is cumulative and damaging.

Several months ago I purchased a machine called a ResMed S+ at Bed, Bath & Beyond.  ResMed is the company that makes CPAP machines and masks, and they made this device to help people measure the quality of sleep, help them fall asleep, and also to help them improve their quality of sleep.  What I discovered by using the S+ surprised and shocked me in many ways.  Using a scoring system, with 100 being the best score, I realized just how poor my sleep quality was.

Then I saw a pulmonologist who ordered, among other things, a sleep study where I discovered I have mild sleep apnea.

While the S+ couldn't tell me if I stopped breathing or how many times, it did measure REM, Light, and DEEP sleep, as well as how long it takes me to fall asleep on any given night.  The score is presented each morning.

The image at the top of this entry is a recent score from a couple of days ago.  This is not the worst score I've gotten--not even close.

As you can see, my DEEP sleep is incredibly short at 16 minutes.  That's BAD.  It should be closer to 1 1/5 hours.  REM sleep, on this particular night, isn't all that bad, really, as I've seen it as low as 15-20 minutes.  And LIGHT sleep always seems to dominate my sleep--also not good.

During light sleep a person is actually aware of their surroundings; sound, light, movement, etc.  And yes, this is why some people wake up easily--because they stay mostly in a state of LIGHT sleep.  This is not restorative sleep, btw.  REM mostly restores the mind, and DEEP mostly restores the body.  It's all quite important.

Again, what this machine does NOT show is the little awakenings, cessation of breathing, and other neurological events like restless leg syndrome, even teeth grinding!, which often comes with sleep apnea.  What it does actually show, however, is how many times I woke up completely and totally.  A person may or may not know they woke up every time, depending on how tired/sleepy you are.  So what's so telling about this?

Well, in MY case, as this ONE example shows, I woke up 8 times in one night; I've had many nights where this number has been as high as 14.  And remember, this is not counting the micro awakenings or cessation of breathing.  However, a sleep study has a very complex system of monitoring so that they can find the micro-awakenings, cessation of breathing, and so on.  In mild sleep apnea, for example, events happen 5-10 times PER HOUR.  In severe sleep apnea this can happen hundreds of times per hour.  Mild or severe, this can cause hypertension, heart attack, and stroke.

Basically what this means is---if you find yourself telling people you're a light sleeper, if sounds, movements in the bed, etc. wake you easily, and especially if you have symptoms of sleep apnea, you may want to consider bringing this up to your doctor; It could actually save your life!

In my personal case, I was actually quite amazed at how i felt after the second sleep study I had using a CPAP machine.  I felt pretty darn good the following day.  And while I'm having issues with my skin being tender and sensitive to the mask, etc., I know I'm going in the right direction.

Sleep apnea can cause heart arrhythmias such as Atrial Fibrillation--which is known for causing stroke.  Sleep apnea can also cause various other heart conditions including, but not limited to, congestive heart failure.  And if THAT isn't enough, do know that it can cause weight gain, muscle fatigue, back pain, joint pain not unlike that which comes with arthritis.. and more.

Do you snore?  That's a tell-tell sign of sleep apnea, btw.  Tired, sleepy during the day, snoring at night, fatigue... please listen to your body.

Let's Not Get Ahead of Ourselves

Quality of life; it only matters when you don't have it.  I can't speak for anyone else, but QOL matters a lot to me, and mostly because I've had to deal with the poor end of that existence.  Meaning, a poor QOL.  Now, let me make one thing perfectly clear; I don't see QOL connected to being wealthy.  I mean, whoever said you could buy happiness?  As cliche as that is, it's still perfectly true: you simply cannot buy happiness.

Now that we have that out of the way, WTH does that have to do with the price of tea in China?...

I don't intend to waste my life taking measure of everything that's gone right or wrong.  I don't feel that at any moment my world can collapse or expand abruptly; although I suppose this can happen.  I want to simply find my footing in MY life and live.  Is that so hard to understand?  Yes.  For some people have to comprehension of what QOL is or what it means because they've either not had it, or they've never gone without it.  It's really quite simple to understand.

So what does quality of life mean to me?

...Being heard.
...Treated with respect, kindness, and compassion.
...Given a chance to be myself, and to grow as I see fit.
...Having enough personal space to be able to breathe.  Really breathe.
...Being able to take care of myself; my life, my health, my spirit.
...and so very much more.

Because things are difficult right now, my quality of life has collapsed, and I don't mean in some small, meaningless way that will resolve on its own.  What I'm speaking of is far more insidious and disabling than mere unfortunate events.  Oh, and steps are being taken on my behalf to correct this, but the problem lies with resistance and clutter.  Let me explain...

Resistance, push-back when I make changes, reach for the goal, or otherwise try to catch my breath in my life.  Resistance in the form of control, suppression, and a stark lack of empathy from someone I'm living with.  This is a critical time for me, and I need to be focusing on my health, my own happiness, and surviving.  That's right--surviving.  Because if you're in a bad situation it can and will make you sick.  Trust me--I'm there.

I spent quite a bit of time asking the same question over and over again; what the hell is happening to me?  Now I ask; how do I make my life better?  Sure, this is kind of a 'duh' statement, but it wasn't easy for me to get to a place where I could say that.

My blog is a place to start.  In the past I would write to my heart's content about practically everything.  I avoided speaking in code, alluding to facts instead of expressing them, and showing my emotions.  Without going into detail as to what happened to make me stop (right now anyway), I'm simply going to say that it became a series of "Pavlov's Dog" experiences.  Needless to say, those experiences changed me; but I fully intend to change myself back.  Capiche?

I have much to address.  My health is at the top of the list of things that need my undivided attention, and that's precisely what I'm going to do; put my health right at the top where it belongs.

I refuse to allow my relationship to ruin me.  I can't change someone from disrespectful to respectful. I can't make someone feel empathy or compassion.  I can't force someone to hear me when I speak, nor can I force them to remember those things that are critically important to me, to my life, and my health.  All I can do is plug along and detach myself from the situation enough so I can find peace, and so I can heal.  It's all anyone can do in a situation like this.

Yes, I have a lot to do.

But let's not get ahead of ourselves; the present needs addressing.

Have you seen my alter egos?

.... I think they're playing a disturbing game of hide and seek.  Just kidding!  For the sake of clarity, for anyone new to reading the entries of this blog, my 'alter egos' is a reference to my other blogs, ones which I try to update as often as possible.  At times, I copy and paste the same entry as the first blog I began with, but I try very hard to post what's relevant to that blog.  Trust me, my blogs aren't supposed to be created equal. ;)

You can find the Alter Ego links in the menu bar on the side of the page, if you're curious and new to my blogs.  And why do I have other blogs?  Basically, they were all set apart for specific purposes; dreams and wishes, passions/life/desire/health, and the transient things that, by their very nature aren't always meant to sustain themselves in my life, or... at times... on 'the page.'  Naturally, all of the parts make up the whole, so overlapping is common and necessary sometimes.

I have to admit I've held back a lot over the past few months, whereas in the past I've pretty much unloaded here.  I won't go into why I began withholding what I really wanted to write, but the experiences took hold and held on for dear life.  It wasn't my intention for things to go that way.  But they did anyway.

My goal going forward is to find myself in a place of trust.  This will be a process, because my past being what it is, well, it's just going to take some time is all.  I'll get there.

Progress or Illusion of? I believe the first...

It's been a busy week.  First the appointment with the hematologist to confirm iron deficiency, then back to the sleep center for yet another sleep study.  Results in, and seeing a light at the end of the tunnel is imminent.  Right?

So the iron deficiency is confirmed and I have my first appointment for IV iron infusion next week, then another 7 days later.  Sleep study the other night went pretty well, and while I don't have "Obstructive Sleep Apnea," they did confirm there are 'episodes' happening while I'm sleeping.  My second study was to see if CPAP would help.  This was in question because certain types of SA aren't always successfully treated with CPAP.  HowEVER.... I woke the following morning after my study and felt completely different than I normally do!  Almost back to normal in some respects!  So apparently the pressure setting on the machine had to be calculated by my pulmonologist, based on the second study.  Prescription for the CPAP was called in immediately following the report being sent, so... I'm good to go on that front!

Second step is for the IV iron infusion, which (along with CPAP) should take care of many of these terrible symptoms I've been dealing with for FAR too long.  I'm excited about this.

Hopefully the lung issue(s) will be scrutinized soon and addressed in whatever way my pulmonologist sees fit, and I can go from there.  One step at a time.  And every single step towards that positive outcome is a GOOD step, indeed!

You know, funny thing about using a CPAP machine--the day following using one I felt pretty damn good.  But the following night without CPAP... I wake up feeling like death again.  Pretty telling.

What does this all mean?  PROGRESS!  :)

I'm happy about that. :D

I'm just not going there...

Bated into an argument.  Who doesn't just LOVE that?  Just kidding.  NO ONE loves that...

Anemia, grade II diastolic dysfunction, low vitamin D, lung issues that my pulmonologist has only begun to get to the bottom of, increasing BP that we've yet to find a cause of, and I won't even begin to list the plethora of symptoms plaguing my days.  The very LAST thing I need is someone willing to turn just about anything into a debate.  And I don't mean that something is said and someone has to defend themselves in any way.  Nor am I referring to the act of simply stating a different opinion of something.  I'm talking about the ART of argument... for argument's sake.  I just don't understand this at all, and it's wrecking my peace of mind.  That has to stop.  Soon.

I don't even attempt to participate in this BS.  And while it's glaringly apparent that these types of arguments serve NO purpose at all, T insists on embarking on the contrary.

Word to the wise---develop discernment with regards to what is going on in these circumstances.  I've decided to pick my battles and completely ignore anything that harms me.  This will be MUCH easier once into the new house, as I will have my own office/room separate from the combined living areas that people can't really expect to avoid one another.  I intend on making that room my own personal sanctuary, a place to decompress.  The sunroom will become the same.  I intend to make sure those environments are conducive to good health, peace of mind, and a place where I can work on shaking off the negativity that surrounds the situation.  And yes, of course this absolutely possible.  Not only possible, but necessary!

My dreams of late point to this necessity for positive vibes, healing vibes, hopeful vibes.  My subconscious and conscious are in-sync and connecting the dots on a daily basis.  Moment by moment more information is revealed, leaving me to understand how extremely important it is to my health, my LIFE that I protect myself from these external and harmful interactions.  You'd think I would have learned about this by now, right?

Dreams.  They reveal much if we pay attention to the message.  I know mine reveal quite a bit.  It's a combination of the imagery, an almost-metaphor-like movie playing out in my mind as I sleep, revealing what actually IS.  Sometimes the message is grim.  But honestly, most of the time the message is one of HOPE.  I understand this on a deep level, despite the unsettling way it unfolds as I sit in the theater of my mind.

No matter if my first reaction is to just allow myself to be baffled by it all, dreams being what they are.  I still possess the capacity for allowing the message to come right through.  And I'm more than okay with that, even if the message isn't exactly comfortable.  Hell, if it weren't comfortable it would be easier to recognize and face in the light of day!

I don't allow myself to dwell during the day, so I'm pretty sure what plays out at night is that which I won't address during the day.  Yeah, yeah... that's a 'duh' statement, but it still needs to be said.

What do I do with this information?  I've not one single clue, folks.  Not one.  Assuming my subconscious still knows more than my mind is willing to see, I guess it's just a matter of time when I'm shown what to do with it all.

Until then.... Please pass the popcorn!

PART 1: IV infusion... hope this works!

So I got the call yesterday that my labs confirmed the iron deficiency and that I will be scheduled for an IV infusion.  It will take about 30 minutes for the infusion (not bad), and another 30 mins for observation for any reactions...which can be quite severe/dangerous (anaphylactic shock).  Then I have to go for a second treatment one week later, then it's observation from there to watch for any declines in ferritin, and also to see if the levels are increasing to where they should be.

I'm really hoping this will take care of the awful fatigue and other symptoms, which may not be all due to the ID/IDA with all the other issues going on.  It will be nice to have my body temp in a more normal range where I don't feel as if I'm freezing all of the time.  My temp at the doctor's office yesterday was 96.0*F.. it's been running very low like that for some time, I'm assuming, from the ID/IDA.

Let's just say... these are all steps in the direction of obtaining better health.

Dear Subconscious. SHUT UP!!

These dreams.  You know.  I've talked about them in past entries.  They're always quite memorable.  They don't leave me be but haunt me throughout the days, nights... in far too many waking moments. They arrive, unbidden, though I do admit to having contemplated the why's and wherefore's of their appearance.  Especially now.  Maybe because of now.  Not one damn answer as to why....

Dwelling on these dreams isn't a 'thing' with me, and most of the time it's just this haunting feeling I get... that eventually eases as the day, or days, go on.  The intensity of their message(s) increases with each subsequent dream, and I just don't know what to think about them.  It's just freaking weird.

Dear subconscious....  SHUT UP!

Infusion Confusion and Various Other Junk... and Stuff.

One step at a time.  How many times have I said that statement?  Well, I'm still in the process of figuring things out.  Or, at least the doctors are figuring things out.  Either way, though progress looks slow, it's still progress.  I'll take it.

Saw the hematologist this morning.  He ordered new labs to re-check my ferritin level so we can proceed with addressing the low iron/ferritin.  The levels have to be re-checked to confirm that the problem is still there, and if it is (which he suspects) he wants to address it with IV therapy (iron infusion).  It will take 2 treatments, one week apart.  Then once the treatments are done my ferritin/iron levels will be monitored over time to make sure it doesn't begin to drop again.  They won't have my lab results back until later this afternoon, and if it shows low ferritin again.. they'll make an appointment for the IV infusion.  Could be worse!  Some folks have to have an actual blood transfusion if it gets too bad!  Mine isn't that bad, thank goodness.

Pulmonary issues still to go.  Have to do the breathing test, which I'm assuming is because of the "Mild, scattered scarring" in my lungs.  Which I don't understand at all and try not to think about too much.  It's all still up in the air at the moment as to where my pulmonologist will take things.  We will see.  Just hoping the chronic cough I have is just the low iron.

Still in the wait-and-see phase.

Now... about those damn dreams again!.......

The sound of my voice--just one presence in the world

To be heard---is not a difficult or complicated request.  And the weirdest part about not being heard is then when you take a moment out of your life to listen to your own voice, you find a unique opportunity to connect with your very presence in the world.  Now, before you confuse this with being self-absorbed or a narcissistic "Need to hear your own voice," allow me to put it into perspective and context.

Perspective, Context, life!

Take a moment and read a poem out loud to yourself.  Only to yourself.  Listen carefully to your voice and imagine your voice not ever being heard again.. not by you, not by anyone.

Listen not to the words, but to your voice.  Do you hear both the subtle and distinct sounds and nuances that make your voice completely unique?  When was the last time you even thought about your voice?...?

Is your tone soft, clear, muted, or resonant?  Do you hear emotion as you speak, and if so... what is it in your voice that tells the world where you are, how you feel?

Your very breath is in your voice...

What do you sound like?

So many people take this for granted.  That deep disconnection from self is more evident when you sit alone in a quiet place and listen to the sound of your own voice.  Poetry...or words from your favorite novel... what does it sound like when you recite them?

After you've read that poem, or those chosen words from a book (make it meaningful).  Now, stop talking and listen to the silence that follows...

....Stop talking and listen now to the silence that follows.  That is the absence of the sound of your voice...

Think about it.

That soft echo of one small voice

It's funny what we take for granted, isn't it?  At a frazzled pace we go through our lives not really paying much attention to the really little things until, that is, we're at risk of losing them.  I'm no exception to this.  For example, seeing photos of Colorado, Wisconsin, Minnesota, or the California coastline.... showing a brilliantly blue sky with puffy clouds... well, that seems vital to me right now, somehow more relevant than it had been.  I've been to those places, lived there actually, so seeing photos depicting what memories I have brings all my current needs to the surface in a quick and fierce rush that leaves me breathless.  This is no exaggeration.

That life, MY life, seemed long ago, and I now wonder what this ghost, held still by this mortal coil, would do if I simply set out to revisit what I long for and miss.

It's been a fury of dr. appointments, tests, taking lab reports, CT reports, etc. from one place to another, more paperwork for appointments with new doctors.  It's a responsible thing, you know, to ask for copies of your lab work, any imaging done, etc., because it's on-hand should you ever need it. I've known this, so it's nothing new for me to pick up or request to mail such reports.  Many times I'm surprised by what I see, and most of the time it doesn't really have any great effect on me.

I loved my anatomy and physiology classes in college---LOVED them.  So my understanding of some physiological systems is pretty good, if I do say so myself.  And, like most, I probably know enough to get me in trouble, but also enough to keep me from panicking.  I often laugh at that fact but never take it for granted.  That's a good thing I suppose.  Maybe.

Reading a CT report is pretty straight-forward, and as long as you understand certain language, terms, and have a baseline of education, you can actually glean something from what you're reading.  And hey, if there's a word or term you don't understand, the internet is a great place to find quick definitions.  The danger of this whole internet thing, however, is looking up specific phrases, because while you can get an idea of what that phrase means, you don't know how to apply the information.  This is where the doctor comes in.  Most people either ask the doctor to clarify once they've put themselves in a state of panic, or they allow the panic to wash over them and focus on "what it all means."  As for me, again...I know just enough to get me in trouble.

One thing I have that can also work for or against me is the amazing ability to read between the lines (accurately), and to put pieces of a very complex puzzle together.  It's my spidey power, you could say, and one that has often helped me a great deal in quite a few situations.  Do know I say 'spidey power' with amusement. ;)

What it all boils down to is this:  I pay attention.

So as I'm reading the last CT report (chest CT) I'm seeing things on the report itself AND recalling certain phrases the doctor used.  My last appointment was a follow-up to my CT.  The details that come to mind as I read the CT report are the doctor's demeanor, his mention of two specific things he wants to do next, and also.... what he didn't say.  And it's not just the recalling of information but how the fit together that makes me raise an eyebrow.

--  Mild, scattered lung scarring.
--  A couple of other findings that the radiologist couldn't determine if they were more nodules or more scarring.
--  The main pulmonary nodule having something attached, "A tubule," that the radiologist could not determine if it is an impacted bronchus or a vein/blood source 'feeing' the nodule.  Will need CT w/contrast to determine which it is.

The report is more detailed than that, but that's the gist of the main findings.

So there's the findings in a nutshell.  And then the doctor says he doesn't know what to think about the tubule attached to the nodule.  The nodule has only grown slightly so probably no real concern re it being cancer.  I'm low-risk anyway since I've never smoked.  I grew up in a house, however, with a HEAVILY chain-smoking mother, so not sure if that changed my risk or not.

Now, the impacted bronchus could be anything, so "Lighting it up" as my doctor calls CT with contrast may be the only way to determine exactly what's going on.

The lung scarring... he didn't mention, but he did say he wanted me to come back and get a Pulmonary Function Test (PFT).  Been through these before, so I know what's involved.  He was hoping my echo report contained my pulmonary pressure since, in the past, I've been shown to have mild pulmonary hypertension.  The echo didn't evaluate that at all.

In many ways the lung scarring concerns me more than anything.  A lot can cause lung scarring.  Sometimes the scarring is 'idiopathic,' meaning of no known origin... and this is not what anyone wants to hear.

I'm not willing to say what I know about the results, because I will leave it up to the doctor to determine what it is and what's next.

So what do I do about what he didn't say?  That's the question.  I guess I will just try like hell not to focus on that.  It's glaring, what he didn't say.... and I wasn't about to ask.  Most would have, but I was just.... not wanting to go there.

Irritating not knowing what's what.  No one likes the waiting game.

In the meantime I simply long for something I can't even put my finger on.... wanting to revisit WI, MN, CA...

You found a what?

Well, yesterday's appt did NOT go the way I expected.  At all.  Not.  At.  All.

So I went for my follow-up appointment with my pulmonologist yesterday, mostly to discuss chest CT and sleep study results.  The minor part is that they found 'mild sleep apnea.'  Ok.  Then he went on to discuss the lung nodule...and something else they found on the CT.

Doctor F stated that the lung nodule was slightly larger, but it also is "Very strange looking."  He went on to explain that there is a "Tubule" attached to the nodule that the radiologist says "May" be due to an impacted/clogged something-or-other-that-I-can't-rember due to my inability to sleep worth a f*ck!  Sorry for the potty mouth, but it's true.  Anyway, the nodule is odd and he said he has to "Think about it a bit..." and may possibly do another CT scan, only with contrast this time.  He's not sure, because he doesn't know what to make of the findings.

Then he said there is another nodule... 1.9 x .5 cm... in my breast.  Well K den.

Next week I have to have another mammogram, and they're insisting they MUST have the last one that I had first, the imaging.  I'm a little spooked by this.  No one is telling me the characteristics of the nodule, and now I understand why the imaging center flat refused to give me a copy of the report... that was finished the day after my CT.  Normally.. I have no issues getting copies of lab or imaging reports.

I also have to see a hematologist (possibly) for the anemia, because the colonoscopy and EGD did NOT show any causes of the anemia.  I will start Rx iron pills today or tomorrow, though.  Hoping I can tolerate those.

Now the big, fat, giant wait.  Again.  Seriously?

I'm nervous about the mammogram, obviously, but the worst part is T's attitude.  He is just mostly put out because I wanted him to give me a ride there, to be with me while I have this screening.  He basically complained, meaning it was an inconvenience.  I simply told him, never mind... I will take myself!  I certainly don't need some whining, self-absorbed, watch-checking complainer coming with me on THE SCARIEST and most stressful test to-date.  Mr. Indifference needs to keep his distance, because what I need right now is far from whining, complaining, etc.

Yes.  It's time to be a little pissed about this.  And I am.

Dammit!!

So what of the heart, home, a place where my soul can feel uplifted, rejuvenated, allowed to grow and breathe and soar?  Dunno.  Still waiting on that one, I guess.  Dealing with the anemia is a start.  PC doc is referring me to a hematologist to see what the cause is.

Dammit again!

*sigh*

PART II: Sept 08, 2015

Sunroom nearly done..ceiling fan needs to be put up.  ....The house is looking great.  It's been a very long haul getting everything done, but it doesn't look at all like the house it was.  THAT...is a good thing.  It's been a while since I've talked about the house, so just to reiterate what's what---it hadn't had but one (very ugly) update to it since it was built in 1972.  Location is AWESOME, the view.. also AWESOME.  But the interior... was just 1972 hideous. lol  Ugh.  But, that was then and this is now.  Going to be okay.

NOTE:  The image here doesn't do the room justice, really.  But you can get the gist. ;)  BTW, I LOVE this sunroom!

After considering one idea for the sunroom, I decided on a blue floor and ceiling.. same color the cabinets are now painted.  LOVE this color!  It's going to look great when the patio furniture and rug, etc. are in the room.  Haven't decided on if I want to put indoor/outdoor sheer curtains in there or not.  I can decide that later on anyway.

Inside...the red brick fireplace is being covered with travertine subway tiles, with larger travertine tiles on the raised hearth.  Looks MUCH better.  Basically, the entire house has been re-done, with the exception of one small bedroom.  But that one bedroom really doesn't need anything.  Well, the ugly, outdated ceiling light has been replaced with a ceiling fan...not as decorative as the ones in the master bedroom, living and sunroom.  But still nice.

I really love the new fireplace tile and can't wait until it's finished...until the entire house is finished! :D  Everything looks SO different... and looks like it should be sitting on the beach somewhere.  I think nostalgia too me down that road.  Not sure.  But it all started with a small piece of beach glass. ;p  Go figure.

Anyway, the kitchen cabinets are done in the same blue as in the sunroom, and the same travertine tiles are now the backsplash (not subway).  It's coming together quite nicely.  And once everything is done... I can order my exercise bike.  Now THAT'S another talk show.  But basically.. I've always wanted a stationary bike, one of the really nice ones, and now... I can get one since I will have an extra room to put it in.

Well, I'm feeling rough so will sign off of this blog so I can post in the other "alter ego" blogs. Whew.  So hard to keep up these days.

Later, taters!

In this quiet place

I guess in some ways I've just allowed myself to vent in order to keep from losing my mind.  A lot of us do that.  And every day I try and find ways to make myself think differently, feel differently, and live differently in order to find myself again.  I'm okay with admitting I'm lost right now, and I believe being lost isn't always the worst thing a person can be or feel.  If you're lost, maybe it just means you've wandered many paths to find the right one.  It's certainly a better way of thinking about it than simply taking the stance that you're unable to find you way---no matter where you are.  I'm reaching out, but I can't really say who or what it is I'm reaching out TO.  It is what it is.  Questioning too much right now just makes things far too complicated.

So how do I feel today?  Self-assessment says I'm feeling tired, run down, and I'm experiencing some irritation with these possible PVCs.  They, along with the iron deficiency anemia make me breathless, fatigued, and TOTALLY uncomfortable.  Just scratching the surface of that, because I'm really not in much of a mood to talk about every detail.  And I'm pretty sure it's not what anyone wants to read.

Here I am, then... just contemplating WTF to do next.  Which is pretty much par for the course these days anyway.  Life is a constant weirdness.  What can I say?  (smiling, here)

Well, the next step (I guess) is just more of the waiting game.  I get to see my PC doc on Thursday about the anemia and what, if anything, do we do about it.  I say 'if anything,' because a larger part of me hopes it will just go away.  Yeah, yeah.  Still, why not expect it to resolve on its own, rather than expecting it not to?  Rhetorical statement.

I'm not going to dump everything in this one entry, because it will turn into topic-salad quickly.  That, and it will end up one of those novelettes that I'm known for writing at times. ;p  Be happy I'm sparing you that much, at least!  Getting to the point these days, as you know, isn't my strong point, so it just stands to reason that I, for now, keep the topics somewhat separated.  Easier for you.  Easier for me.

Blah blah blah.

And junk.

PART 2: Artumentative---The art of arguing.

Told you there would be a part 2.  If you've not read part 1 you may want to do that now... otherwise, you could end up confused.

I know what I have to do.  I've always known what I have to do.  The trick is being allowed to do what it is I have to do.  Oh, and what is this thing I have to do?  It's obvious, isn't it?  I have to take my life back!  This isn't as easy as it sounds.  Well, in some circumstances it can be quite easy, such as when you don't have anyone hovering over you and fighting against that very thing.  One has to adapt an extremely stubborn and determined mind-set in order to succeed in that environment.  And me, well, I don't have much of a determined mind-set at the moment.  Being anemic and not having any treatment as of yet is causing the wind to miss my sails, so to speak.  I'm struggling.

Every single day I try to find my motivation, and every single day thus far it's been a total failure.  I mean, I can feel that drive somewhere inside me, but my body feels so horrible, so weak, painful.. that I can't seem to make myself GET THERE.  Every day I try again, though.  Every.  Single.  Day.

I have to find a way.  My physical and mental health are both suffering at the moment, and dammit if I have to constantly work around T to keep from buckling under this mess.  Dammit, will you just let me live!?!  I can't breathe.  And I need life experiences to find myself again.

Living.  God, but I've not been doing that for so long.  While I don't feel well enough to want to go do anything, anything at all... I live with someone who, while very healthy, chooses to NOT do anything.  Content to simply sit in front of a T.V., he does absolutely nothing that he doesn't HAVE to do.  And even the things that people do because they really need to... he won't.  He's "Life lazy" in every way you could imagine.  Me... I'm terrified that the rest of my life will simply pass without my having wonderful experiences, making new memories, or feeling as if I am actually alive.

So tell me, how the hell do I get back to my life?  I will make my own experiences, my own memories, and live life... even if I embark on those journeys alone.  I'd rather do them alone than not do them at all.  Period.  T will fight me on this.

T will have no interest in the things I do, want to do, need to do.  But he will want to tag along.  He won't 'get' what I'm doing and will have absolutely no intention on being present.  But he will insist on tagging along, knowing he will be the reason the experience is not only cut short, but lost.  I've been through this before, which I believe was the catalyst that made this fire that's burning my life from the inside-out.. a raging inferno that threatens everything I am.

History, our history, has led to my giving up.  Oh, but how I tried to keep what vitality I still had (despite my health deteriorating).  When I decided to go somewhere, anywhere, simply to get out of the house and out of my head so I could think about anything other than being sick, it would end it total disaster.  Because T insisted on tagging along.  Even if I only ended up going to Starbuck's, or walking around a store to "Window shop."  It didn't matter.  Within 20 minutes he was acting asking how much longer it was going to be before we left.  Every single time.  I grew to hate going anywhere with him, because he doesn't LIKE to go anywhere or do anything.  And he doesn't like the idea that I DO.  In the middle of whatever it was I was doing... he would blurt out how late it is, or how tired he was, or how bored he was.  OMG, WTF did you want to come with me if you knew you wouldn't enjoy it??????!!!!!!!!

*sigh*

So what will I do moving forward?  That's easy.  I will tell him I'm doing X, Y, or Z on my own.  My life will be the better for it.  And he can sit in front of a television.

Oh, and I'm guessing you're thinking that maybe I should've asked what HE would like to do.  I have, hence the statement that he doesn't want to do anything.  The couple of times he has said what he wants to do... it always involved either eating, or going to a movie.  Sorry.  That sounds WAY too much like what we do at home.  Watch T.V. and eat meals.  Ugh.  I can't stand it anymore.  LIFE isn't eating and watching television, or being on Facebook every spare minute.

Nope.  This is MY life.  I am going to LIVE my life on my own terms.  I have to.  My life actually depends on it.

PART 1: Artumentative---the art of arguing

Just because you don't agree with me and say so..doesn't mean you're being argumentative.  If you have a different point of view you would like to express, I don't see you as being argumentative.  If your needs are different than mine, accept that and move on.  Arguments for argument's sake is never helpful, but some arguments happen in order to facilitate a breakthrough in an otherwise difficult situation.  Yes, sometimes arguing (respectfully) is good.  But some people make such a habit out of arguing that it becomes the order of the day and is usually their only response.  THAT is where I draw the line, especially when it comes to my own personal feelings, needs, etc.  Embark on that journey, my dear, and I will go into self-preservation mode faster than you can say the F word.

Arguing takes energy, focus, and intent.  I don't have enough energy to join in a conversation that is really not a conversation but a debate, argument, or whatever you'd like to call it.  There are times when debating is a good thing, such as when you have differing opinions on something and want to state your point.  Debating can end up in a full-blown argument if you're not very careful, and when you begin debating against something very personal that has to do with your... 'opponent,' then you've crossed a line into the dark realm of utter disrespect.  You will gain nothing with disrespect, except perhaps resentment from the other side.  And eventually, with me being that other side, I will stop listening.  This means, darlin'... you've completely lost your audience.  So why the hell are you still talking?

I can definitely handle someone not agreeing with me.  The flip side to that is when my choices as a person, my feelings, my needs, etc. come into question and you believe you have a right to disrespect my life choices and shove that disrespect in my face... often.

Bear with me.. I'm on a roll here...

Let me be perfectly clear---at no point are my personal life choices any business of yours.  When it comes to my health and the way I choose to take care of myself, better myself, and so on... you have absolutely no right to argue with me about it or make life difficult.

If you want to help me, great.  If you don't, then get out of my way!

Living with someone, or just being with someone who doesn't have your best interests at heart is a living hell.  I've been here before, and it always has a detrimental effect on my life AND my health and well-being.  I haven't decided yet what I want to do about this, because... well, T is often apologetic after things turn ugly.  He tries to make amends, tell me he's sorry, etc., etc.  And while this all sounds just flipping lovely, I can assure you it's really not.

It's not that we're totally incompatible.  We are very different people in many ways.  I respect him for who he is, and I don't try to change him.  I support him in his choices, and I never get in the way of his doing whatever makes him happy.  The biggest problem is that he doesn't extend that same courtesy to me.  And yes, there's always a reason why, right?  Right!  And that reason is... he simply does not in any way, shape, or form get me as a person.  This is a HUGE problem in the relationship, and a ginormous problem for me.  I cannot thrive in that life venue.  I can't.

So now what?  I don't know.  I've so much healing to do.  My body isn't supporting me, physically, in what I need to do for myself.  I know that sounds weird, but when you need to do things to make yourself healthier while you so unhealthy that you can't DO anything.... well, see the dilemma here?  Isn't completely impossible, no.  I have to take things one step at a time and exercise a tremendous amount of patience.  Oh, but the patience this takes.

Blunty, my needs as a human being, a person, a woman, an artist... and more, are simply not being met.  It's not so much that I want to get that from someone else, as much as it is about my being allowed enough personal freedom to get that for myself, on my own...which has a far greater impact on the quality of one's life.

And that's what it's about, isn't it?  Quality of life?

Quality of life.  Think about that for a moment.  It's such a powerful phrase.  Most of the time people take their quality of life for granted.  I don't.  I've extremely aware of what's missing, what's wrong, and how I feel from one situation and moment to the next.  I'm aware of my surroundings, including the emotional ones.  I recognize in a big way when my QOL isn't what it should be, especially when I don't see anything great in the future.. based on what is "NOW."  That's MY bad.  I shouldn't be thinking that way and should, instead, be focusing on making MY LIFE better, because focusing on making someone else's life better never, ever, ever works.  At some point, your own life begins to suffer.  And mine definitely is.

Well, this has been a long entry.  There will be a PART 2, because I've finally tapped into something and the flood gates are now open.  NOW is the time for me to get it all out.....

More to come.....

Breaking through

Life has gotten slow and stagnant.  But I guess it's a by-product of health issues that sap every single bit of your strength, stamina, vitality.  Apparently it's an unavoidable outcome for a somewhat lazy health care system where doctors continue to treat lab values instead of people.  This is not the actual topic of my entry here, so bear with me a minute...  Here's my dilemma---a slow, and not quite steady, progression from test, to test results, to... no real solutions.  What I'm left with is no quality of life.  How the hell did I get here?  As many times as I've asked that question, I've gotten equally as many... wait.  No.  I've gotten NO answers at all.

Screw it.

But do I really feel that way?  In some ways, I do.  There's a larger part of me that's had it, totally and completely HAD IT with feeling this way.  It's been coming on for a few years, though some of the issues recently discovered appear as new---but it doesn't mean that they actually are.  In fact, maybe it's the same issues just now revealed.  Geez.  I can't even get my thoughts straight on this.

I do what little exercise I can, when I can.  I push almost every day for this, making sure the attempt is made, if nothing else.  Mostly, I end up doing very little because there simply isn't enough energy or strength to actually DO the task(s).  Doctors love to say... "Exercise will help."  That's a whole lot like having an empty gas tank and expecting to drive.  In fact, it's exactly like that.  I simply don't have anything to work with.

Quality of life.  I see so many people who don't understand just how blessed they are to feel healthy, be healthy, and be able to live their lives somewhat normally.  I'm not judging them at all, but I am curious as to if they know just how blessed they are to ONLY have a minor headache, or maybe fatigue from staying up too late, etc.  I would SO trade places with them.

But that's not the topic here either...

Yes, I'm having trouble getting to the f'ing point.  It's one of those days, so it is what it is.

So what DO I know for sure?  Well, I know my GP (who is a pretty good Dr.) is out of the country until next week and that his secretary/nurse told me that they prescribe iron tablets for anemia.  Really?  Because it seems to me that putting something into your body that your body can't hold on to is... like putting gas in a car that has a hole in the tank.  *sigh*

I really want to know WHY this is happening.  There isn't any real "Idiopathic" iron deficiency anemia.  It's always caused by something.  The most obvious things are checked, and when they show to not be the cause.. it's shrugged off.  Why?  IDA is NOT a minor thing, and it has terrible affects on the health and quality of live of the person dealing with it.

But that's not the actual topic/focus here either...

What the hell am I trying to say, exactly?

I guess I don't really know.  Or I can't focus well enough to figure it out.  Dizziness... yet another symptom of IDA.  Ugh.

Sheesh.