I know what I have to do. I've always known what I have to do. The trick is being allowed to do what it is I have to do. Oh, and what is this thing I have to do? It's obvious, isn't it? I have to take my life back! This isn't as easy as it sounds. Well, in some circumstances it can be quite easy, such as when you don't have anyone hovering over you and fighting against that very thing. One has to adapt an extremely stubborn and determined mind-set in order to succeed in that environment. And me, well, I don't have much of a determined mind-set at the moment. Being anemic and not having any treatment as of yet is causing the wind to miss my sails, so to speak. I'm struggling.
Every single day I try to find my motivation, and every single day thus far it's been a total failure. I mean, I can feel that drive somewhere inside me, but my body feels so horrible, so weak, painful.. that I can't seem to make myself GET THERE. Every day I try again, though. Every. Single. Day.
I have to find a way. My physical and mental health are both suffering at the moment, and dammit if I have to constantly work around T to keep from buckling under this mess. Dammit, will you just let me live!?! I can't breathe. And I need life experiences to find myself again.
Living. God, but I've not been doing that for so long. While I don't feel well enough to want to go do anything, anything at all... I live with someone who, while very healthy, chooses to NOT do anything. Content to simply sit in front of a T.V., he does absolutely nothing that he doesn't HAVE to do. And even the things that people do because they really need to... he won't. He's "Life lazy" in every way you could imagine. Me... I'm terrified that the rest of my life will simply pass without my having wonderful experiences, making new memories, or feeling as if I am actually alive.
So tell me, how the hell do I get back to my life? I will make my own experiences, my own memories, and live life... even if I embark on those journeys alone. I'd rather do them alone than not do them at all. Period. T will fight me on this.
T will have no interest in the things I do, want to do, need to do. But he will want to tag along. He won't 'get' what I'm doing and will have absolutely no intention on being present. But he will insist on tagging along, knowing he will be the reason the experience is not only cut short, but lost. I've been through this before, which I believe was the catalyst that made this fire that's burning my life from the inside-out.. a raging inferno that threatens everything I am.
History, our history, has led to my giving up. Oh, but how I tried to keep what vitality I still had (despite my health deteriorating). When I decided to go somewhere, anywhere, simply to get out of the house and out of my head so I could think about anything other than being sick, it would end it total disaster. Because T insisted on tagging along. Even if I only ended up going to Starbuck's, or walking around a store to "Window shop." It didn't matter. Within 20 minutes he was acting asking how much longer it was going to be before we left. Every single time. I grew to hate going anywhere with him, because he doesn't LIKE to go anywhere or do anything. And he doesn't like the idea that I DO. In the middle of whatever it was I was doing... he would blurt out how late it is, or how tired he was, or how bored he was. OMG, WTF did you want to come with me if you knew you wouldn't enjoy it??????!!!!!!!!
*sigh*
So what will I do moving forward? That's easy. I will tell him I'm doing X, Y, or Z on my own. My life will be the better for it. And he can sit in front of a television.
Oh, and I'm guessing you're thinking that maybe I should've asked what HE would like to do. I have, hence the statement that he doesn't want to do anything. The couple of times he has said what he wants to do... it always involved either eating, or going to a movie. Sorry. That sounds WAY too much like what we do at home. Watch T.V. and eat meals. Ugh. I can't stand it anymore. LIFE isn't eating and watching television, or being on Facebook every spare minute.
Nope. This is MY life. I am going to LIVE my life on my own terms. I have to. My life actually depends on it.
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