PART 1: Artumentative---the art of arguing

Just because you don't agree with me and say so..doesn't mean you're being argumentative.  If you have a different point of view you would like to express, I don't see you as being argumentative.  If your needs are different than mine, accept that and move on.  Arguments for argument's sake is never helpful, but some arguments happen in order to facilitate a breakthrough in an otherwise difficult situation.  Yes, sometimes arguing (respectfully) is good.  But some people make such a habit out of arguing that it becomes the order of the day and is usually their only response.  THAT is where I draw the line, especially when it comes to my own personal feelings, needs, etc.  Embark on that journey, my dear, and I will go into self-preservation mode faster than you can say the F word.

Arguing takes energy, focus, and intent.  I don't have enough energy to join in a conversation that is really not a conversation but a debate, argument, or whatever you'd like to call it.  There are times when debating is a good thing, such as when you have differing opinions on something and want to state your point.  Debating can end up in a full-blown argument if you're not very careful, and when you begin debating against something very personal that has to do with your... 'opponent,' then you've crossed a line into the dark realm of utter disrespect.  You will gain nothing with disrespect, except perhaps resentment from the other side.  And eventually, with me being that other side, I will stop listening.  This means, darlin'... you've completely lost your audience.  So why the hell are you still talking?

I can definitely handle someone not agreeing with me.  The flip side to that is when my choices as a person, my feelings, my needs, etc. come into question and you believe you have a right to disrespect my life choices and shove that disrespect in my face... often.

Bear with me.. I'm on a roll here...

Let me be perfectly clear---at no point are my personal life choices any business of yours.  When it comes to my health and the way I choose to take care of myself, better myself, and so on... you have absolutely no right to argue with me about it or make life difficult.

If you want to help me, great.  If you don't, then get out of my way!

Living with someone, or just being with someone who doesn't have your best interests at heart is a living hell.  I've been here before, and it always has a detrimental effect on my life AND my health and well-being.  I haven't decided yet what I want to do about this, because... well, T is often apologetic after things turn ugly.  He tries to make amends, tell me he's sorry, etc., etc.  And while this all sounds just flipping lovely, I can assure you it's really not.

It's not that we're totally incompatible.  We are very different people in many ways.  I respect him for who he is, and I don't try to change him.  I support him in his choices, and I never get in the way of his doing whatever makes him happy.  The biggest problem is that he doesn't extend that same courtesy to me.  And yes, there's always a reason why, right?  Right!  And that reason is... he simply does not in any way, shape, or form get me as a person.  This is a HUGE problem in the relationship, and a ginormous problem for me.  I cannot thrive in that life venue.  I can't.

So now what?  I don't know.  I've so much healing to do.  My body isn't supporting me, physically, in what I need to do for myself.  I know that sounds weird, but when you need to do things to make yourself healthier while you so unhealthy that you can't DO anything.... well, see the dilemma here?  Isn't completely impossible, no.  I have to take things one step at a time and exercise a tremendous amount of patience.  Oh, but the patience this takes.

Blunty, my needs as a human being, a person, a woman, an artist... and more, are simply not being met.  It's not so much that I want to get that from someone else, as much as it is about my being allowed enough personal freedom to get that for myself, on my own...which has a far greater impact on the quality of one's life.

And that's what it's about, isn't it?  Quality of life?

Quality of life.  Think about that for a moment.  It's such a powerful phrase.  Most of the time people take their quality of life for granted.  I don't.  I've extremely aware of what's missing, what's wrong, and how I feel from one situation and moment to the next.  I'm aware of my surroundings, including the emotional ones.  I recognize in a big way when my QOL isn't what it should be, especially when I don't see anything great in the future.. based on what is "NOW."  That's MY bad.  I shouldn't be thinking that way and should, instead, be focusing on making MY LIFE better, because focusing on making someone else's life better never, ever, ever works.  At some point, your own life begins to suffer.  And mine definitely is.

Well, this has been a long entry.  There will be a PART 2, because I've finally tapped into something and the flood gates are now open.  NOW is the time for me to get it all out.....

More to come.....