To speak my mind in uncertain terms

I literally just wrote several paragraphs before deleting every one of them.  It's my state of mind at the moment, I suppose, really feeling like I need to talk about so much but finding the words impossible to convey what's needed.  Speaking my mind these days isn't always easy, and trying to speak my mind in uncertain terms usually ends up being the case.  Where did the girl go who could quite easily let it all flow out onto the page, or screen as it were?  Dammit.

Where is my voice?  Have I simply worn myself out by expressing what I feel and need?  Is there some cutoff inside that totally prohibits discussion on a matter that's been beaten to death with no resolution from the other side?  Where the hell is my voice?!

Too much going on.  Too much unresolved issues.  Too much indifference.  Too much passive-aggressive controlling from T.  Too many unspoken and unreasonable demands put upon me.  At some point a person under "Too much" gives in, gives up, or gives out; I tend to vacillate between all three.

When I speak, to whom do I speak?  That's a rhetorical question, btw.  I need to talk about what's going on with my health, my lack of any quality of life, my concerns, my needs, my life.  And yet, here I am pouring out what I need to talk about online, rather than talking about what I need.  Geez.  I'm starting to not make much sense, but I'm sure a few of you get where I'm coming from.  It's a familiar place to many, though probably not to all.  This place, this unhealthy place where I am right now, is actually making it more difficult to speak my mind.

Have I developed so much mistrust in people that I can't bring myself to actually say what I need to say?  This has been an ongoing theme in my life (and here) for quite some time now, and where I was once able to pour out my heart and soul and mind freely, it just seems as if every part of me that should be free is tightly shackled, gagged, and sedated by defeat.  That's not a good thing.

Once upon a time I would pour out my soul here.  Those of you who've been reading my blogs know exactly what I'm talking about.  Wether I was raging, hopeful, dreaming, wishful, happy, sad, surprised, or any other number of feelings... I was able to convey everything clearly right here, even if I weren't speaking to anyone else face-to-face.  So what's happened?

I know the answer already, though it's really difficult to say 'out loud.'  But as a first step to getting over this wall, or breaking it down, I can honestly say that I am a product of my recent history, and by 'recent' I mean over the last few years.

After being raged at and punished for speaking my mind the wall was built.  I really didn't know it was happening on all levels, but deep inside I knew, and I let it happen.  Frankly, it was absolutely necessary when it was happening.  The wall went up to protect myself, and now I can't seem to break it down again.

So, how does one get past this?  *shrugs*  Beats me.  But it needs to be done.  HAS to be done.

*sigh*