NO!
I can only take so much.
The sticking point for me these days is a past that comes back to haunt me. As I've said before, closure in situations of loss is necessary, no matter WHAT people try to tell me (and themselves). You can't push it aside, or bury it deep, or completely ignore it because it absolutely WILL drag you down to the depths of hell-on-earth while you may be completely oblivious to the signs.
I am well aware of why I can't get closure. I've been told why, but it was unnecessary. It took a few steps, introspection, and I had to take a huge step back to see the truth. When it finally came into focus I was completely taken aback by the sheer force of what I was shown. My God, how did I not SEE???!!
All that confusion, all that not knowing who the hell he was from one day to the next, all that unrecognizable behavior, the words, the everything. I didn't question, and that was my first mistake. I put the rose-colored glasses on and blissfully went through the world in a daze of utter ignorance to my situation, of who and what I was dealing with. Oh, I've stopped asking myself WHY I did it, because I've gone past that and know better now. But I still have so many times when I mourn the loss of that person...
Mourning still because there wasn't anyone to say goodbye to. Why?... because I fell in love with someone who didn't exactly exist!
This revelation, when it came, knocked the wind out of me and created a sense of loss unlike anything I'd ever known. Why did it hurt so much? Why did it take so long to let go? Why does it still haunt me today? The reason is stated clearly above, and it's impossible to say goodbye to someone who never existed in the first place.
So who the f**k did I fall in love with? Not sure, really, as I didn't exactly get to know him that well except for the dark stuff.
How did I manage to move on?... Well I've not moved on totally, which means I haven't moved on. Strange as it may sound BOTH are true.
I just keep working through it--the confusion. I mean, what else is there to do? There was never any closure to allow me to move to the next level and stay there. The grieving process for breakups is the same as when someone dies, and the process is rather circular... at least for a time. Back and forth you go through the stages until you reach the final stage that sets you free--acceptance. While I ACCEPTED the situation for what it is, accepting the breakup isn't exactly what happened, because I'd no idea WHO it was I broke up with. The person I was in love with changed SO drastically that it took my breath away--and in all the WRONG ways, I assure you.
The less I recognized him the more confused I became, and a part of me continued to search for the person I'd fallen in love with. This was the cycle I was trapped in while still with him. While blindsided by the behavior, the sneaking around, and so forth... I still forgave because I was erroneously convinced that he was still the person I fell in love with. Yet, I didn't SEE anything at all that I actually recognized! Nothing at all. The face was the same. The voice was the same. But everything else---NOT at all recognizable.
Look, I know people go through events and situations in their lives that change them for a short time; but eventually they get back to themselves again. Also, the person they are shines through despite what's happening and the resulting behavior etc changes. I get this. I've gone through it myself. However, the absence of ANYTHING recognizable in that person was the most perplexing part of the whole thing, leaving me to ask inwardly and often.... "WHO are you??!!"
I still learned much from the ordeal, and I know exactly what I won't deal with ever again. I also know exactly what I want. No one is perfect, and I don't expect perfection, but I do know what's right for me... now.
More on this later....
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