It is said that even the strongest of feelings expire when ignored or taken for granted. And this is not the first time I've felt those feelings die inside me....
Don't let anyone tell you there's anything wrong with talking to a therapist. A strong person will look for expert advice when they feel stuck, as I did. While I spoke to her for only a short time, what she revealed to me would forever change my life. I now have tools at my disposal for not only recognizing that which harms me, but also for ensuring I don't become easy prey again.
People cause harm in many ways, right? But we don't often recognize what's happening until the damage is done. The real trick is to stop things before the damage becomes permanent on ANY level. I was only somewhat lucky in that, but the parts of me that were deeply harmed are now the strongest. Go figure. I guess the cliche we all overuse to some some degree actually has merit.
Intention. So this is something we humans also focus on when assessing where we are in a complicated situation. We ask ourselves 'What did they mean?' or 'Did they really mean that?' in scenarios where we're blindsided by the harmful actions or words by another. No matter if I question the other person's motives, because I've learned to ask myself the more important questions: "Am I okay with this, and if not, how am I going to handle things?"
My striving for better health while doctors give me medications that literally counteract that goal means I have very little tolerance for bullshit these days. In this present state of body and mind I have absolutely NO PROBLEM asserting myself. And I will tell you that this is something quite new for me. Somewhere along the line I grew one hell of a backbone. I'm more than okay with this, btw.
Oddly, since being with T I've evolved to focusing less on "love" than on respect and humanity, compassion and kindness. I never EVER ask "Does he love me?" Because, honestly, that means nothing to me right now. I don't equate love with gifts, material things, money, or even someone's physical presence. No, because those things mean nothing if the motivation behind one's actions are self-serving or indifferent. And yes, people CAN give you material things, money, even their time... and not have your best intentions as their motive. I will never be swayed by 'stuff,' nor by someone who feels as if they're doing me a huge favor simply by 'gifting' me with their presence.
If someone is here and yet 'not here,' being alone is far more peaceful, healing, and promoting of good physical and mental health. It's just plain unhealthy to be around someone who is barely, if at all, actually 'there.' But what does this mean, exactly?
A person has the ability to be present while not saying or doing anything. You can sit quietly next to someone and feel their presence. It's unmistakable if you're paying attention. Unfortunately, I've been 'empathic' my entire life, and even as a child I could strongly feel when someone didn't want me around, was angry with me, etc. I assumed everyone was like this, and boy was I ever wrong. Even so, coming to terms with that part of me as an adult was both easy and difficult, because I really didn't know WHAT I was to do with that information.
I can filter somewhat, but not very well what I feel from others.
When being misunderstood becomes a major stressor:
This is a big peeve of mine. Communication breaks down if one party is always over-scrutinizing what the other is saying. Wth can't people just, you know, LISTEN? Why do some people allow the wheels of overthinking to kick in and destroy what would otherwise be a productive conversation? I will never understand this as long as I live. Honestly, just listen to what the other person is saying before you pass judgment on what you THINK they "mean" by their words! I've dealt with this way too much over the past few years, and I'm more about a 50/50 conversation that both people are not only participating in, but equally open-minded in as well.
In my current situation, due to the 'tuning-out' factor, I'm often misunderstood. I mean, if you're not really listening or engaged in the exchange then you're not going to actually HEAR what it is I'm saying. And if you don't WANT to be in the conversation, man-up and say so. There are always other people to talk to. People who've known me for many years understand me, and they do so because they've been a respectful participant in enough conversations with me to know exactly who I am and what I need. And in turn I also understand them and what they need out of the conversation.
This has turned into a bit of a purging session, really, and I've strayed a bit off-course. All of the above is connected, but my goal here today is to talk about what I need and what I'm willing to put up with. The Reader's Digest version of this would be---disrespect is a deal-breaker for me. One for of disrespect is not listening during an important conversation.
..... Part II coming next.
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