Samples From an Empty Head.

Where are all these outspoken "Geniuses" in real life?  You know the ones, those people who 'really do know it all'?  I mean, they're all over the internet, but where are they in REAL LIFE?  Well, if you're VERY VERY LUCKY you'll be spared actually having to meet or talk or interact with them.  Trust me, I know.  And what's worse, there's no real 'block' button to shut them up.

I have opinions, just like anyone.  I don't think my way is the only way, and just because I don't agree with someone doesn't mean I think their opinion or stance or whatever is always wrong.  I mean, if you tell me you're a murderer, then yeah... I'm definitely going to think you're wrong for that.  Given the obvious, let's set that aside and agree that we understand what I'm talking about here, murderers and baby killers, etc. aside.

I've dealt with the proverbial 'know-it-all.'  Not just once, but a couple of times in my life, and I suspect there are others whom I'm not around enough to really nail down that they're 'one of those people.'  But my experiences with the now-it-all types is pretty dark, ugly, and.. I have to admit, the craziest damn crap I've ever had to deal with.  In a perfect world we would be able to just turn off that part of their personality so we can try and glean something good from them.  I tried this, btw, and it just doesn't work.

Note: I'm going to refer to 'know-it-all' as NIA going forward....

A NIA is usually not a very nice person, and they seem to spend an extraordinary time trying to make other people feel stupid and often saying just as much if they're a narcissist.  So much wasted energy, if you ask me.  But whatever floats their boat.  What I also found is that they're "Wiki Savvy," and what I mean by that is that in all their 'all-knowingness' they actually dig information from online sources and sometimes commit the information to memory.  Few NIA's are scholars, and many don't have even the most rudimentary college degree. But that's okay, because it's not about a piece of paper anyway.  Truly educated, smart people RARELY waste time putting others down.

A high IQ doesn't mean your smart or informed, it simply means you're intelligent... or have the capacity to be.

I know my IQ for a reason, but I don't make it a topic of conversation with everyone I meet.  In fact, few people know my IQ.  The true 'geniuses' I know and respect are those who don't use their IQ score to bully others.  It's a huge red flag if you do meet someone who claims to have a high IQ and they spend most of their oxygen touting how great they are, how smart they are, how much better they are than someone else, while often ridiculing or criticizing others or the person they're talking to.   This is a dead giveaway that, despite a high IQ, that person ISN'T in the least 'smart.'

William Raspberry once said, "Smart isn't something you ARE, but it's something you can GET."  And yes, I learned about him and that quote while in college.  Yes, I have a degree and graduated with honors.  My IQ would've still been the same had I not attended college or opened my mind, and that's the point I'm making here.

Bottom line, many bullies are low IQ.  Sometimes, bullies have IQ's in the gifted or genius range.  But the one thing bullies have in common is that they all are self-important and possess an edematous ego.  Sloshing about they will attempt to lay waste to anyone they feel is a threat to their grandiose position, a position they will fight to the death to uphold and maintain.  This is far from 'smart.'

I have to wonder what's really inside the minds of those who believe they know it all?  I wonder if they have a genuine or original thought... ever?  Most of the time what's really said is simply regurgitations from other sources that support their stance and position.  In other words, the only thing they seem to offer are samples from an empty head, thoughts that came from somewhere else and not of their own making.

Hey, I may not know it all, but I can at least think and function without Wiki or dictionary.com...

Because I Can.

It's inevitable, isn't it?  Social networking is like trying to have a picnic beneath a buzzing hornets nest.  We know the situation is precarious, especially when so many have now succumbed to chronic butt-hurt, and yet we persevere, post to our little heart's content, and laugh at the wrath some things inspire from unstable people.  We try to understand, and some will try to edit what they post in order to 'keep down the drama.'  Thing is, the drama is on their side, not ours.  I mean, getting bent out of shape over what someone posts is a lot like being offended by the furniture in your neighbor's house... and saying so.  It's rude, and it's inappropriate.

So why do people do it if it's just going to stir up trouble?  Well, the answer to the question is in the question itself.  Some people are addicted to drama, and you can spot them readily because they'll be the ones complaining constantly, and in their passive/aggressive manner, about everyone else's "drama."  I know you guys have seen this.

I'm always a little amazed, watching them melt-down, lose control, judge others for speaking their minds, all the while trying desperately trying to blur the line between 'victim' and 'bully.'  Know the type I'm talking about?  These are the people who will call you an idiot while claiming they're above such behavior.

It's perplexing.

Here's the thing: Social networking doesn't come with a carte blanche card to attack other people's views, etc.  You have a choice to keep going if you see a post you don't like, and most stable, intelligent people will do just that.  And yes, there are exceptions, such as someone outright attacking, bullying, posting personal or sensitive information about you, etc.  I mean, by all means.. call them out on it if they do that, and be sure to block their sorry asses when you're done.  Nobody likes a bully.

Now, you also have to practice what you preach.  I choose not to comment if I don't like something, and I refrain when possible the urge to behave in passive/aggressive ways.

I personally don't believe we should censor our speech just to make other people more comfortable.  DO know that I'm NOT including bullying in this, because that will NEVER be okay.  Not ever.  But outside of bullying, we can say what we want, given it's within keeping with said SN TOS.

My personal experience in this current political climate has been that the chronically butt-hurt come out in force when I post something that isn't in keeping with their own views.  One person in particular has taken to some very nasty commenting on posts he doesn't agree with, and often it's simply posts in support of who my chosen presidential candidate is.  Now why would anyone have to vomit nastiness on a positive post?  Who knows?  Who cares?  My posts on my page aren't open to bullying and nastiness.  I will either delete your posts or block you.  Enough is enough.  For the record, I've not yet blocked this other person, but that could change quickly after today's nastiness.

When has free speech turned into 'free to bully'?  I don't have the answer to this question either, but maybe it's more a rhetorical reference than anything else.  Either way, some people really don't understand how stubborn I can be when it comes to another trying to control what I do, how I think, how I feel, and so on.  Yeah, I can assure you.. you really don't want to poke the bear like that.

Bullying doesn't work on me, and you'll find quite the opposite response than what you hope for.  But then, I think these types of drama queens actually WANT the drama, which is why they spend SO much time tossing insults.  Why else would they do it if that's the only payoff?

So today this person went on a rant, tossing in character assassination remarks and such, and quite a few at that.  But the main complaint is that he didn't want to see political posts and actually stated that if you're posting more than 2-3 per day that your friends are "Fucking sick of you."  Well, what he thinks was a clever cut down and shaming tactic I see only as a challenge, and one I accepted right off.  Today is going to be a day when the political posts will continue.. all.. day.. long.

I don't give in to bullies, who are really just cowards anyway.  My page, my posts, and anyone who doesn't like it can click the 'unfollow' or 'unfriend' button!  You can't bully me.  You can't censor me.  And you can't control me.

Challenge me, and you may be surprised at my response.  And remember, you can't un-ring that bell.

I also practice what I preach: if I see a post I don't like... I move on.  Having the restraint to NOT react is empowering, because when you do as that other person did today you show weakness, an inability to control your own emotions and behavior.  Why would anyone willingly do that?  There are venues outside of social media to air your grievances if needed.  Hell, I have blogs where I can speak my mind and get things off my chest WITHOUT drawing attention to the person I may be talking about.  Having been at the receiving end of abuse and character assassination I choose to refrain from going down that road if possible.  But I assure you, I'm NOT afraid to stand up for myself; that's a completely different thing altogether anyway.

As they say... haters gonna hate. ;p

The Best Part of My Day

Mornings.  Especially mornings when I am alone and able to just sit in the stillness, drink coffee, and let my mind wander.  Even though I don't feel well (an understatement) I love mornings like this and am a little sad to see the sun go down at the end of the day, knowing that the evenings are FAR from my favorite.

Laying awake at night means research, learning as much as I can with what I KNOW I'm dealing with, as well as what I "may" be dealing with, health-wise.  The more I learn the better prepared I am to face whatever is to come.  The worst part about he uncertain aspects of my health is not really knowing if I'm wasting my time or not.  Given evidence, things I've learned, the larger part of me (no ass jokes, please) still believes that it's imperative that I know, learn, and be ready.

But then the morning comes.

My eyes are puffy when I wake, and they seem to continue to remain in that state.  This could be a prednisone issue that will resolve once I get down to the minimum dosage of 5mg/day, or it could take my coming off the prednisone completely before this, and other side effects, resolve.  But in the mornings the puffiness and pressure reminds me that things aren't as they should be and that I have to take every minute, every movement, every chore or task one by one and decide what it is that day I can or cannot do.  Still, mornings are the best part of my day.

I make no demands on myself anymore but for the task of simply getting out of bed.  Sounds depressing, doesn't it?  It needn't be, though, and I find my way through the day simply because I CAN still get out of bed.  It's an accomplishment at the moment, I promise.

Paroxysmal weakness remains, despite the prednisone, despite the Azathioprine.  It's just a fact, that's all, and one that could in time change considerably.  Fact doesn't equal fate.  When I think of the real possibility that my doctor is correct, that I'm dealing with Myositis (which brand of that has yet to be determined) it can sink my spirits low.  The idea of progressive weakness and muscle wasting isn't something to celebrate, but I can take what steps I can to minimize the damage by making sure I keep moving, exercise, eat enough protein, and keep my mind clear.  The alternative is to simply give up and let it all overcome me.  And no, I'm not into that.

I have my work cut out for me.

But hey, I have coffee and mornings and that little boost of euphoria, however fleeting, to tell me to keep going no matter what.  NO MATTER WHAT, Myositis and AIH be-damned.

Today...beyond morning... I'm going to make sure T finishes putting the exercise bike together....

The Invisibility of Being.

Throughout my life I've been pretty thin-skinned, listening to others tell me what I should/shouldn't be, what and how I should think, do, say, dream... developed into an art form for me that damn near reached "Spidey Power" status.  No, seriously.  I would take and wear whatever anyone projected upon me like a shiny pair of Jimmy Choo's.  And trust me when I say that two-sizes too small absolutely made a difference in how I felt and carried myself through life.

Barefoot is better.  Know what happens when you go barefoot the majority of the time?  The soles of your feet get pretty damn tough.  Having grown up poor I had only one pair of shoes (cheap) at a time and wasn't really allowed to wear them outside if I were just playing in the yard, etc.  They had to last until my mom decided we could afford more.  I think I had the toughest feet of anyone I've ever known because of this.  The only thing that really hurt me was if I stepped on glass (which I did a few times, once landing me in the ER to have the glass removed), and when that California asphalt and concrete got hot enough to fry an egg on.  Even so, over time walking barefoot didn't bother me one single bit.

But what about the INSIDE?  Oh, but that was a whole different story altogether.  I couldn't walk my way through through the pain to being 'thick-skinned' and pretty much felt the weight of anything and everything that was said to me.  Criticism became truth, a 'reality' handed to me that I willingly took.  My childhood experiences weren't filled with encouragement or praise nor even helpful criticism.  Indifference and criticism, and many times complete withdrawal of love and affection were the tools used to shape the person I would become.

I was to become the child who survived.

In adulthood, that small child I once was is alive, and though not well, that part of me is AWARE.  There is still a disconnection of who 'that little girl' was and who I am now, and I still see photos of when I was little and feel such pity for 'that little girl.'  Yes, I know it's me, of course.  But the disconnection is still there just the same.  I want SO much to apologize to her and say "I'm sorry I didn't protect you!"

I've accepted this disconnection as a part of who I am, but I don't like it one single bit.  C'est la vie.

I remain thin-skinned, but my reaction to criticism, disrespect, and so forth is very different now.  I've allowed history to repeat itself in relationships I've had, and the reality of this has unprecedented tenure, so it would seem.  It will be with me the rest of my life.  Okay.  I'll just have to work around that when possible, right?

So here I am all grown up and stuff.  I can make decisions, change my mind, and walk away from anyone or anything that threatens my happiness; such are the benefits of being an adult.  Right?  Well, not exactly.  At least not for me.  That subconscious, that inner child, the child I actually WAS at one time so long ago, well.. she has a mind of her own and remembers the pain, the isolation, the indifference, the coldness, the invisibility of being... well, me.

Such memories carry over for the long-haul and map the course of life in often undesirable ways.  But it doesn't always have to be like that.  I can do more to help myself in that respect.  And I do.

On bad days, of which I have far too many these days, that inner child is the one who suffers most.  Sure, I feel the physical pain, and I feel the isolation of my situation and all it invokes (depression, anxiety, etc).  But it's what happens INSIDE that changes my world, my life.  All I can do is anesthetize myself with too much coffee, reading, and way too much television.  My physical body simply refuses to allow much more these days.  That's okay, because eventually the AIH and the 'possible' Myositis, both autoimmune, is driving the bus now, and not even my inner child can rebel against that and affect change.

Sitting here in the quiet, drinking coffee, talking about things I've not talked with a single other human being about...well, but for one therapist for a very short time, I can definitely say I recognize my life as it was, and as it still is; The invisibility of being... me.

Cross-Post Rant Ahead... "I'm DONE"

Trust me when I say... it's taken me from approximately 7:20am to 10:37am JUST to calm down enough to write.  Waking to indifference each day is grating on my nerves and sucking the life out of my life.  I'm not in the greatest of moods at the moment, and I'm not about to pretend I am.  It's been one HELL of a morning... let's just start there, shall we?

Okay, so all of my life I've believed that the old saying "Anything worth doing is worth doing RIGHT" is a damn good foundation for anyone's life.  Half-Assing ANYTHING reveals a lot about a person.  And by 'half-assing" I mean not putting everything you have into what you're doing.  Not to say your "everything" may not be on the same level every day, but putting in 100% of what you can is all anyone can really ask.  And why not?  Why would anyone do anything less than 100%?  When you take shortcuts you leave someone else to make up the difference in distance you weren't willing to go.

NOTE:  As always, unless I'm writing something aimed at someone in particular... the word "You" is used loosely and not meant to point fingers at anyone here.

My health is bad--I've spoken of this a lot in my blogs.  Dealing with one confirmed AI disease (AIH) and going through the paces of confirming a second means.. I'm NOT in remission.  I won't BE in remission for a very long time (I'm told).  The blood work COULD very well improve, the numbers will improve and possibly quickly, but 'remission' is more than numbers.  I won't go into all of that, but suffice it to say every single day is a battle to get through.  So here I am living with someone who, by nature, does ONLY what he can get away with and not a scintilla more.  What does this mean?  It means I have to take up the slack.  I not only have to do what I need and have to do, but I have to take up the slack from what he only does PART-WAY.

Half-Assers are a HUGE pet peeve of mine!

Look, I realize there will be days, times, and situations where you may have to take a short cut or do what you can in that moment.  But I also know that there are things that HAVE to be done correctly, thoroughly.  I mean, you can only short-cut your way through things until you end up with a completely and totally chaotic mess that SOMEONE ELSE will ultimately have to deal with.  Why the hell would you do this to someone, especially someone you claim to "love"?

This morning, like so many mornings (every morning!) I found myself forcing my way through cleaning up after T.  And I mean, cleaning up as in it takes me some 45-hour JUST to pick up the slack of his half-assed whatever.  Have I spoken to him about this?  Of course I have, and 2 years ago, when it really began, I was very calm, loving, and discussed the matter with him in hopes he would see what he was doing.  I mean, he's a grown up, and I'm not his mom.  He can pick up after himself, because he's no Ward Cleaver and doesn't treat me like Joan.  The family of the 1950's and 1960's are GONE.  Marriage and relationships aren't centered around women being in servitude.

Now, women who are treated with respect, treated kindly, appreciated.. will do almost anything for their guys.  It's how we're wired.  We're wired to be caretakers, caregivers, at least most of us.  However, when taken advantage of we often will begin to back off from all those things we once did easily, eagerly, and happily.  When taken for granted... we don't see any reason to continue giving when there's only taking from the other side.

And please, don't confuse this 'give and take' with material things or money, etc.  Because those things don't bring happiness, not ever.  What I'm talking about here is doing one's part in the relationship without placing the blinders on and thinking it's really just all about the other person doing all the work.

I've been in a relationship where everything was dumped solely on my shoulders.  People who know me, who pay attention, find out quickly that I can't be bought.  You can't buy your way out of unhappiness.  You just can't.  Being poor and happy is FAR FAR superior than being well-off and miserable.  Money can't get rid of unhappiness.. I really can't stress that enough.

Doing your part, that's what it's about.  Not placing necessary pressure or expectations on the other person is what it's about.  Respecting the other person's time is what it's about.  And soooooo much more, or course.  But when it comes to half-assing your way through chores because you know the other person will take up the slack for you... that's a sure-fire way to turn that person off, long-term.  And good damn luck getting them to be turned on again.

Being taken advantage of is not good foreplay.
Being taken for granted is not good foreplay.
Doing and not doing things that make the other person's life more difficult.. is not good foreplay.
Being overtly, blatantly lazy isn't sexy.
Indifference isn't sexy.
Ignoring someone isn't sexy.
Not respecting the other person's space, time, and needs isn't sexy, nor is it good foreplay.
Being mean, hateful, abusive.. isn't sexy, and it makes for LOUSY foreplay.

You treat me like shit, I'm going to shut down.
You abuse me, mentally, verbally, or physically.. and I'm going to shut down and NOT be into you.
Take me for granted and I'll stop doing things for you.

It's taken me years to get to this point, and I've been a welcome mat for a couple of people and won't ever allow myself to do that again.  I don't need anyone THAT much.  If I'm treated badly, eventually I won't feel anything at all for you, and you're going to find out that you really just can't un-ring that bell.

You can't buy me or my love.  I'm not for sale.  If you do something you claim is out of kindness or whatever, and you use it against me later.. you've given your true motive away!  Once I SEE you, what and who you REALLY are, I won't be able to see that 'other' person ever again.  Once you blow it, you blow it.

T is lucky in that there's still about 2% hope here.  This morning was just about the final straw, but I fought and worked my way past it, and I'm telling you it was DIFFICULT!  He knew, too.  He knew the moment I pointed out to him what he'd done.  He tried to backpedal, tried to reassure himself that he'd not blown it VIA me.  But what was done was done, and the disingenuous nature of what he did wasn't lost on me at all, and it broke something inside and change, again, the way I see him and feel about him.  Being disingenuous is exactly like lying, and I'm DONE being okay with men who lie to me, either by omission or right-out.  DONE.

That 2% of me that is still open to his finding a solution and fixing the whole disingenuous thing is stretched very thin.  He's running out of time.

Honesty and respect are MORE important than love.  My last relationship taught me that, opened my eyes to the fact that without those first two things.. LOVE CAN'T EXIST!  Love CANNOT exist in the absence of honesty and respect.

Besides struggling through a VERY PAINFUL morning trying to finish half-assed attempts at whatever, I also had to deal with the tuning me out thing, the thing where he pretends to vaguely respond because he knows he didn't hear a thing I just said.  No matter... I don't repeat myself anymore.  I do let him know, however, that I get that he didn't hear me and that all the begging in the world to repeat myself isn't going to make me do so.  After a year or more of this not listening/tuning me out thing.. I've grown intolerant to it.  I've told him that, fine, if he's that disinterested in what I have to say then I'll simply 'tell someone who gives a shit.'  He doesn't like it, but it's no longer about what HE likes and doesn't like anymore.  I've taken the first step in getting MY life back, replacing the disrespect he shows towards me with my own SELF-RESPECT; something I really should've done a long, long time ago.  Better late than never, I say.

So this morning was NOT a good morning.  But I'm going to spend the remainder of my day taking care of myself, focusing on what I can do to help myself heal, and incorporating those things that will protect me from further harm from anyone, especially from the person I'm living with.  Yes, I still have to work through the damage from the past relationship, but that's already underway and will help with my current situation.

Well, that's where I am today.  It will get better, and I will keep persevering... as long as I can.

Write/Delete, Write/Delete...

It's been that kind of a day.  And it's also been a while since I've done that, you know, write something only to delete it a few minutes later.  Yep.  It's totally that kind of day already.

It could very well be I'm still not quite recovered from the epic crash I experienced yesterday, something I'm assuming is Azathioprine side effects kicking in.  My Dr. increased the dosage big time, so I guess it's bound to happen, and from what I've read it's going to take a few days or so for the side effects to ease.  Until then, I just have to go with the flow and be nice to my body.

It didn't help that I woke up to a mess to clean up in the kitchen.  This wouldn't be an issue except for two things: 1) The mess was necessary and created out of carelessness.  2) T didn't bother to clean any of it up.  Something spilled on the cabinets, the floor, the counter.  It's really difficult right now for me to bend over to do anything because of the wicked lower back pain.  But I do what I have to do when I can, and this particular mess couldn't be ignored.  I'll pay the price for having cleaned it up, but again... I do what I have to do.

If I could just wake up one day, just ONE day, and not have messes to clean up.  If I could just have that little bit of 'nice' first thing in the morning, that would be awesome.  I'm sitting here, yes, remembering that particular brand of peace that comes from living alone.  I know a lot of people understand this, because I've spoken to a few lately about this very thing.

So how do I get this 'peace' here and now?  Not sure, exactly, because there's so much going on, so much that needs addressing.  My health.  Issues with T's indifference and carelessness in many matters.  I don't even know where to begin until my body reminds me that it all starts with good health.

My dream, my goal.. is to just get healthy.  And boy, that's another talk show after what I experienced yesterday....

....Another talk show entirely.

Family--Beating My Head Against a Wall

To say I come from a dysfunctional family is putting it mildly.  Further back than my own memory reaches my siblings have hated me.  No, really, I'm not making this up or being dramatic.  I don't talk about this much because it brings a lot of sadness and discomfort, anger and resentment rushing to the surface.  It's a long story, really, and one with gaps and holes and far-reaching voids where many memories have vanished.  It would be oh so much easier had I been adopted, because I know virtually nothing about my family tree, for all the asking I've done over the years, and my parents are both deceased with my having absolutely NO idea where I came from, who my ancestors are, or what my connection is to any of them, if at all.

I was a "Mistake," according to my mother.  Now, my relationship and experience with my mom is a story in and of itself, and honestly... I could write a novel here about that.  But I'm not going to.  Let's just say my mom was disconnected by the time I was born, old enough to be my grandmother, and about as unplugged as a parent could get.  It was easier to micromanage and control everything to a damaging degree, rather than create experiences that may have given me a chance and coming out on the other side with less 'issues.'  Yes, of course I have issues, and in a way it was my mom's only legacy.

How is it that I could know little of nothing, if anything, about anyone in my family tree?  Well, that's easy--when you don't answer questions, share nothing, and ensure that not a single photo, letter, information, etc. gets passed down to you... well, you can't ask a dead person questions.  Point blank, not pretty, but absolute truth just the same.

Everything from health/medical information was shared primarily with ONE of the 6 children, and I wasn't the one who got the information.  My eldest sister was my mother's confidant, her go-to gal, and there was an almost too-close relationship between my mom and my oldest sister (old enough to be my mom).  I spent my entire life on the outside, looking in, and it was that way until my mom passed away (over 20 years ago now).

One sister and I shared a dad, and my other siblings share a father form my mom's 1st and only marriage.  Yep, my other sister and I were illegitimate.  I could really care less about that, to tell you the truth.  My dad was out of the picture when I was 18 months old, and my mother really never spoke of him or his family except for some really scary things, very dark and scary things.  Now, it shouldn't surprise anyone that if you scare a kid like that, they're most likely not ever going to ask too many questions.  This was the case with me.

The siblings who had a different dad hate me.  Just the truth.  I was even told that one reason they despised me was that, because we were very poor, they often didn't get as much milk (the example used by one brother and sister) because when it came down to the wire... "The baby" (me) needed it more than they did.  I can't speak for what happened when I was a baby.  I can't apologize for something that I didn't do on purpose.  Yet that resentment carried right into adulthood for my 3 brothers and one sister.  BTW, I don't really think of them as brothers and sisters because they've not treated me as such throughout my life.  What memories I have of life with them.. isn't good.

I was born very late, with my mom being in her early 40's when she had me.  All my siblings (but for one) was grown and gone and with kids of their own, so I pretty much grew up like an only child from about age 10.. when one of my sisters married and moved out (she was 16).  We lived in a 3 bedroom house that was eventually condemned, and my mother (a hoarder) used all 3 bedrooms as her hoarding rooms.  My sister, the one I share a dad with, had her own room, lots of 'stuff,' decorated walls, record player, records, clothes, and a bike.  I didn't have enough toys to even have a toy box, so even in this respect I would find myself living an entirely different life than my sister... and everyone else, actually.

My mom was absent, indifferent, cold most of the time...and even cruel.  Skipping over more details than will fit here, I will say that my childhood was very, very odd, and the damage done has proven to be long-lasting.  Still, I spent my life longing for a family, a REAL family.  Now, coming from a family with 3 brothers and 2 sisters you would think that a strange thing for me to say.  Aunts, uncles, cousins... really had nothing to do with me, but for one cousin who, I guess, simply took pity on me.  I felt the hostility from them all growing up and didn't understand any of it at all.  I felt it, saw it, heard it, and experienced that hostility until we moved away from California.  We moved to Colorado because my oldest brother wanted my mom to move there so she could babysit while he and my SIL could work.  I was in 8th grade when we moved, and my life didn't get better at all.

Longing for a real family... even to this day....

I would eventually move away from the state of Colorado.  My kids and I, to make a long story short as possible, ended up here in the south along the Gulf Coast, where we settled into that strange place (strange to us because we weren't from there) and would end up calling the south "Home."  It's the only place that ever felt like home to me.  I'm still in the south, but a little further north by a few short hours.  But back to "Family"....

When my mom passed, naturally my eldest sister got everything.  Very important items my mom was holding for me until I could send for them were divided amongst my brothers and sisters and nephews... or just tossed out as garbage.  They did this QUICKLY after my mother died, the day they found out, using the excuse that they were sure that since she was on disability, got a veteran's widow pension, and on Medicare, etc... that the 'government' was going to come in and take her stuff.  Yes, LUDICROUS, but that's the excuse they used.  And when I arrived for her funeral I wasn't even allowed to so much as have a photo of hers.  My eldest sister 'allowed' me to take ONE photo to have it photocopied.  My mom had boxes and boxes of photos, btw.

Few actually had anything to say to me at the funeral, or after.  It was the same shit, different day.. only worse.  A few years later I'd tried once again to make some kind of connection with them, but it ended in a total disaster.  I finally came to my senses and realized that I was the only one putting in any effort and that it just simply wasn't worth it.  I basically told my oldest brother and his bitchy wife to piss off.  And yes, it felt great and was LONG overdue.

In the present....

I know pretty much nothing of my family history, my family tree.  My last living grandparent died when I was 2 weeks old, and everyone else was so much older than me that no one really had anything to do with me.  My mom wasn't really forthcoming with names, histories, etc., though she did incorporate some names and such in a few fun stories she would tell from time to time.  But as a little child I really had no idea if she were making the stuff up/telling fairytales, or if the information was actually true.  And after my mom's death... the information about grandparents and such were simply not given to me, even if I asked.  Photos, etc.... all given to my sister, who claimed some neighbor stole them, were lost.  My brothers, etc. chose badly when they decided to give my sister everything.  One person said they thought my sister pawned or sold the framed antique photos of grandparents etc for money.  Sadly, it sounds exactly like something she would do.

The cruelty extends into adulthood....

When one of my brothers passed away a few years ago I was told about this AFTER the funeral had taken place, and... I was told on Facebook by a distant cousin.  She apparently looked for me on Facebook with ONE purpose in mind, and that was to send me a message that read.. "B**** passed away last week.  Thought you'd like to know."  I asked "How/why?" which lead to her replaying in the same short, blunt fashion. She then disappeared and didn't say a word ever again.  I'd written back a couple of times.. with no response.  I'd written my nephew as well, and have been ignored.  And this nephew I grew up with and was very close to most of our lives.  He's only 2 1/2 years younger than I am.

Cruelty was their favorite weapon, and continues to be so.


The family tree...

As someone who feels completely disconnected from 'family' or blood ties, history... it only stands to reason that I would, eventually, WANT to know something about my own family history.  SOMETHING.  ANYTHING.  So when I decided to look into www.ancestry.com I felt like I was taking a step in the right direction.  Maybe this site could help me put the broken pieces together in such a way that I would at least see my connection within the bloodline.

What I've done...

I created an account at www.ancestry.com over a year ago, but since I wasn't really willing to invest any money into getting a full account, I've only spent the smallest bit of time there.  But that changed for me about a week ago when I saw a commercial online for Ancestry and a DNA test they offered that shows where your bloodline is from, at least in percentages.  A lot of folks have jumped on board for this.  Now, one cool thing about the DNA test and having a real account (which I don't yet) is that you can set your family tree to allow links between matches for DNA, region, etc.  It's a lot more complicated than that, and they have a video that explains it all, but it's a really neat tool and a good place to start.  But what about for someone like me?....

DNA results may be the only thing I really get out of this, and that's okay.  It's something, isn't it?  It would be nice to know for sure what ethnicities are involved in my family tree, even if I don't have any family history to see how the pieces fit.  I sent my kit off today and, from what I understand, it will take about a week for the results to get uploaded online.  Knowing it's not going to give me complete picture of my family tree... I'm still okay, and I'm fairly patient where that's concerned.

So what's my freaking point here?

My point is this: If you have information about family history (names, places, etc) please share them with your kids.  Don't leave them in the dark to spend the rest of their lives wondering who they really are (history wise), where they're from, what their history is, etc.  It's really not a good or easy thing to live with when you have no idea about those things.  Don't do that to your kids, seriously.

My desire to know more about my family history/ancestry runs deeper than the hurt from the disconnection from my actual 'family members.'  I rarely use the word 'family' when speaking about them.  They're blood relatives to me, but nothing more.

I have to wonder if I'm beating my head against the wall trying to piece together a family tree I know nothing about.  Names, birth dates, etc. are required to even do searches or make connections.  What little information I have really just stops at my mom, and my dad I have only a name and birth date.  It's really like hitting a brick wall.  But is it worth it, all of this effort?  I don't know.

I really just don't know.  The one thing I DO know is that I'm left with the question: Will I ever fully understand myself in connection to history and ancestry?

*shrugs*

The Science (and more) behind hazel eyes

An interesting read, though I've heard this before...

http://www.eyedoctorguide.com/Eye-Color/hazel-eyes-eye-color.html

Trump Supporter Kambree destroys National Review

I'm posting this across my blogs, because this woman speaks for SO many of us.  The original video she made is a lot longer than this, but this gets to the key points directly.  She speaks for SO many of us....

Predicting Life

There's simply no way to predict how I'm going to feel from one day to the next.  Planning anything is out of the question and has been for at least a year now.  Life, for me, is measured by the information my body gives me when I first wake up, and mostly after I've consumed a good deal of coffee.  From the onset, once my feet hit the floor in the morning, I'm given a small hint, just one small message that tells me everything I need to know about how the rest of the day will progress (or not as the case may be).  The message is clear, but I honestly wish it weren't.

Quality of life isn't something I have right now, I have to be honest about this.  Some days are better than others, true, but my quality of life has diminished considerably.  If only I could feel the way I felt on that first week of prednisone---closest thing to 'normal' I've felt in years!  But as fate would have it, there's simply too much going on with my health for one simple pill, or even two, to put me in a healthy, strong place.

So I picked up copies of my labs yesterday and learned a few things.  For starters, what I understood to be increased PORTAL vein pressures was actually CENTRAL venous pressure.  NOT having portal hypertension is VERY GOOD news!  And on the flip-side, that CENTRAL venous pressure increase is extremely bad as it could very well be a result of my heart issues, lung issues, or both.  There's just too much overlapping findings here.

Liver enzymes are creeping towards normal, slowly, which is great!
Aldolase is now elevated again.
MCV is elevated again.
BUN/Creatinine ratio is elevated.
Calcium is low.

To the last, I don't understand at all.  I take calcium supplements, so I've no idea why my calcium is low now, except that it's perhaps the prednisone.  Still, supplements are supposed to keep that from happening.

Aldolase is another puzzling bit of information because it's related to muscle and/or liver damage.  But which?  My guess is that the doctor could be right in that there's another issue that has yet to be pinpointed and nailed down with a diagnosis---possibly myositis.  The muscle weakness and severe lower back pain and cramping when I stand up/walk could be a result of muscle inflammation.  But why isn't the prednisone making me stronger like it did in that first week?

One thing for sure is that there are a LOT of really awful symptoms that have gone and not returned since starting the prednisone.  I'm stronger in some ways, and weaker in others (depending on which day it is).  The one constant is that I still don't feel well, even if I do feel better.  It's at least something, right?  I'll take what I can get, but I do need my life back.

I've no idea what will happen next, what will be addressed next, or how long it's going to take to feel like a normal human being again.  My arms are so tired right now that I have to lean my forearms on the laptop as I type, because there simply isn't any other way I could do it.  Yes, it's a very bad day today, and I long to crawl back into bed and just wrap myself in my favorite microfiber fleece blanket.  Oh, you've no idea how much I want to do that very thing.

Even so, I'm up, awake, and I can't allow myself to fall into that trap of laying down every time I don't feel good. Hell, if I did that I'd never get up!  Still I have hope that with everything going on that someone will tell me what all I'm dealing with here.  My blood work will be tested again on Monday, and MAYBE there will be even more improvement with my liver enzymes, and MAYBE with those results, which should come back about a week later, more investigations as to what's still occurring will begin.  I know, however, that despite it all I'm told the liver issue is the most important right now, the most critical.  And I get that.  I really do.  But I still need to know if there's something else going on here, or if the AIH is actually messing everything else up.

And I definitely need to find out what the deal is with the central venous pressure, because that appears to be directly related to heart issues, and possibly lung issues as well.

I'm so tired.  So very tired.  Just so very tired.

Labs Post-Prednisone & Azathioprine

So looks like another medication is being added to the list--Lasix, a water pill.  This is needed to reduce the amount of EXCESSIVE water retention caused by the Prednisone.  I'm really glad to know about this addition, though it's going to be rough heading to the bathroom constantly.  Oh... but I'm SO very glad to do so!  You've NO idea.  But there is other news as well...

Liver enzymes: At the start my liver enzymes (which is NOT a liver function test) were elevated some 7-8 times that of normal, depending on which end of normal you do the math from.  Considered by the doctors I saw these were considered "significantly elevated."  Some people have way more elevation than that, but apparently research says that the actual numbers don't always indicate prognosis or how significant the disease is at the time of diagnosis.  But today, thankfully, I'm told that the one enzyme that is still elevated is only elevated by a little now and "Much better than where it was before." YAY!!  That's good news!

While I have to wait to get the labs actually in my hand to SEE them, I was also told that some tests came back showing mild muscle inflammation.  Not sure which test that was, but it doesn't really surprise me.  I have labs rechecked next Monday also in order to make sure the Azathioprine is helping, and not hurting things.

Good news, right!? :D  And hey, as long as those numbers go down and into the normal range, I can deal with some side effects from Azathioprine.  I mean, as we go along this journey the prednisone will be tapered... and THAT is DEFINITELY a good thing!  Not treating AIH means possible progression to cirrhosis.  Only thing statistics say about this that I don't like much is that 80% of people who go OFF medication to control AIH have a flare up within 1-2 years, and it often comes with the nasty addition of fibrosis or cirrhosis.  Yeah, I'm okay with medication inconveniences over death, thank you. ;)

So what's the deal with muscle inflammation?  I've no idea.  Guess that may be addressed next... we'll see.

How's that for some good news? :D

Respect Has Nothing to Do With Your Demands

Do you get it, the title I mean?  Do you read that alone and become angry, irritated?  It's okay if you are angry, because you probably don't understand what it means.  Allow me a moment to explain...

Human nature dictates that when we want something and ask it of another that we automatically feel the other person must comply if they care.  Let's be honest, because this is what people think.  Doesn't mean it's good or bad; it just means it IS what it IS.  So given this idea, why then is it that we become so hurt, angry, bitter, and so forth (some people anyway) when our needs, wants, desires, demands, and so forth aren't met?  Is it the other person's fault, or is it that the demands themselves take on a living, breathing life of their own, something that people can lose control of quickly if they're not very careful?  I think it's very much the latter.

The monsters we create from our own needs usually turn on us.  It's the truth, when you think about us.  Some people, though not all and not all of the time, see their needs as so inherently vital that they can't possibly be happy if those needs aren't being met by someone else.  Meaning, higher expectations of others than what you expect from yourself is a sure way to end up an angry, bitter, mean-ass individual.  I've seen it happen.  BOY have I seen it happen.

My past is marked by experiences that are less than wonderful, and most of the damaging experiences where when I was with people who literally shoved unreasonable demands on me without ever allowing for room for me to actually live my own life.  Being asked to be at someone's 24/7 beck and call is beyond anything 'reasonable,' and eventually you're going to wear that person down.  This is what happened to me.

I lived that life for a few years, the life where my time meant nothing to that other person, my time nor space or even the room for me to take care of myself (bathing, eating, sleeping, down time, etc.).  Demands in excess that diminished my ability to even take care of myself properly, and all the while he claimed I was being disrespectful for not being that person at his every beck and call and whim at any given moment in a 24hr period.

What I know NOW that I didn't know THEN is that the lack of respect from him with regards to my own personal space was a very serious problem and a huge red flag.  Expecting me to be on 24/7 stand-by to fulfill his every demand was really about disrespecting me, not the other way around.  I wasn't put on earth to be a servant to anyone.  And yet that's exactly what I became until I was empty, spent, used up and exhausted.

He wasn't blind or confused.  He was calculating, precise, and knew exactly what he was doing.  In fact, he felt quite justified in what he was doing, what he was asking of me, because to him.. that was normal.  But I'm here to tell you it's not normal at all to treat another human being that way.

I'm on a roll today, btw, about this whole respect thing because it's become an important aspect in my life, as it should be in all our lives.  We can't allow people to use us like servants, and we can't be okay with the dishing out of punishments when we can't be on standby 24/7.  We deserve to live our own lives, take care of ourselves, and we deserve to be happy.  You can't be happy when someone else is trying to control your every waking moment. You just can't.

So if it seems I'm having 'one of those days' today, well that's because I am.  I told you guys I'm still working to get past the past, to heal the damage and find that peacefulness I once had.  This is just part of the process, no matter how chaotic it may come across.  It's a process....

Hopefully I've made some sense.  If not, then chalk it up to my just having another day of dealing...

Well, some of you know where I'm coming from...

Random Thoughts at 3am

I had to make that meme.  I suppose it's just that one goofy part of me (sense of humor) that refuses to buckle under the health issues.  Yeah, I'm just ninja like that.

ANYHOO....Insomnia is a fickle bedfellow these days.  Incredibly unpredictable, I never quite know what it is I'm facing when I get into bed each night.  There's something triggering me to wake up when I go to bed, but I've yet to pinpoint exactly what that is.  Even nodding off on the sofa prior to going to bed doesn't guarantee I'll sleep once I get there, and in fact... it's almost a given now that I'm going to be waiting up, tossing and turning, until the wee hours of the night.  And what does this do besides keep me tired and exhausted?  For one, I get strange dreams, ones I really could've done without.  No, not nightmares... just dreams.  But still...

So it's 2am, 3am.. and stupid, random thoughts pop into my brain, which triggers more thinking, thinking, thinking... blah blah blah.  Damn.  Seriously.  WTH?  Most of it isn't even worth thinking about, I promise.

Okay, so falling back asleep this morning in hopes of getting about 5 hours I had a dream, and one that puzzles the crap out of me.  Well, I suppose most dreams don't make sense, right?  They're usually random babbling and broken intel of things we are either not dealing with, dealing with poorly, or unaware that we need to deal, you know, with those things.  But what about those dreams that aren't as chaotic and confusing?  What about the dreams that leave us thinking.. "Wow. That was so REAL!"  What about THOSE dreams?  You know the kind I'm talking about.

If your dream makes sense, what's the message?  That's the big question, isn't it?

I'm not sure what to make of my dream.  The content, which I'm not wanting to talk about, I think I understand, but my REACTION to it is yet another thing entirely.  It made me sad, seeing what I saw in the dream, though the actual thing happening wasn't a sad thing at all.  So.. wth gives?

Sorry to be vague about the dream itself, but some things are just TOO revealing of my own thoughts and feelings, feelings I'd rather keep to myself.  I'm trusting my instincts on this.  I may actually talk about this stuff in detail at some point, but I prefer to wait until I'm ready.  Hope you guys understand.

The other crazy thing that's happened today, post-dream, is that I feel a little anxious about my future.  It's like I'm being forced to assess what I want and how I plan to go about getting what I want, in terms of my future, happiness, health, and so on.  I don't have the luxury of being on auto-pilot, so introspection and continually assessing where I am and where I'm heading is really important.  T is more of an auto-pilot type, and it's not always easy for someone like me who's trying to take the wheel of my own life to be around someone who's just, well, letting life happen to him.  Not to say that his life is bad, because he's really chill and content most of the time.  I like to see where I'm heading, though, so laying back and riding the current isn't going to work for me right now.  Not sure it will ever work, to tell you the truth.

I wish I knew what my subconscious was trying to tell me.  I have a guess, but I don't LIKE that guess so am keeping an open mind and hoping I'm full of it. ;p

That's a lot of writing for someone who's as tired as I am.  Sheesh....

Accepting the Inevitable on MY Terms

In all negotiations you both win and lose.  The key to negotiating your way in your own life means that you will ultimately give something up in order to get what you want.  We do this every day, don't we?  Well, we have to, because there is a price for everything, and I do mean.. everything.  The choice is relatively simple in that you either make a deal with yourself, or you make the proverbial 'deal with the devil'; The trick is knowing which is which.

Where the hell do all these decisions come from that I make every day?  If I only knew.  Yet I really don't have to know the answer to that question in order to make good or bad decisions, because those decisions are going to be what they are despite how I got there.  What I mean by that is whether we take advice from others, or make a choice on our own... the end result is really going to be the same, because I firmly believe that even before we're aware of it.. that decision was already made prior to our giving it a voice.

Okay, so what the hell am I getting at here?....?

Firstly, I've had to make friends with the 'inevitable' in my life.  I've seen it, acknowledged it's presence, introduced myself and shook its hand; this is how you face your enemy, btw.  Now, right now this inevitable thing is trying its best to micromanage my life across the board, giving rise to bad decisions, good decisions, and choices that I often don't recognize the reason for.  Now imagine the power it would have on me had I not accepted what it is and its role in my life?  Yeah.  Exactly.  At least by calling it by name and facing it head-on I can somewhat predict a portion of where things are heading, with or without my help, either way.

It sounds a bit like a war or battle, doesn't it?  It's not.  If you don't acknowledge what IS in your life, how can you possibly know how to manage it so it doesn't end up managing YOU?  This is my struggle at the moment.  I waited too long while sitting on the sidelines, distracted, to see what really walked into my life and set up housekeeping.  But I know better, and better late than never, I say.

My health.  My relationships.  What I want.  What I need.  What I long for.  What I dream of.  What I fear.  In every single aspect of my life inevitability is woven deep into the fabric, and whether any of us likes it or not this is the case for all human beings.  It's not depressing, and it's not an impossible foe; it is simply what it is, and it IS something we can take control of.

I now make the rules of engagement.  I choose when and where and why and with what I use as tools to deal with the inevitable.  In my case, at this time, the biggest thing is my health.  I have an autoimmune disease; it's for life; it's forever; and it's mine.  MINE.  If I didn't OWN it, I couldn't control its effects in my life.  I can't control if I have it, and I can't control EXACTLY where things will end when it's all said and done, but I can damn sure control my reaction to it, and I can CHOOSE whether to remain steadfast in fighting it, or I can surrender to it's true nature--the "Inevitable."  I'm certainly not going to give in to the later, I can tell you this.

Right now the inevitable affects all aspects of my life.  But I'm not sitting on my hands waiting for it to TAKE my life, which it could if I didn't do my part and acknowledge my role in things.  It doesn't control ME as much as it controls how my body works.  You see, I'm slowly but surely learning and accepting that my body isn't who I am.  Yes, I'm somewhat late to this game, but I'm learning just the same, and that's what's important.

Today I take the medication to bring this AIH under control.
Today I try my best to choose healthier foods to eat.
Today I choose carefully whether or not I undertake something physical.
Today I try to head off stress, anxiety, and depression.
Today I do my best to do something that makes me smile or laugh.

There's a host of things I can do to help myself along the way.

Today the inevitable sits by my side and follows me throughout every task I undertake.  But I'm aware of its presence and that gives me a solid edge, because "I" have a say in how far its reach is and how I either refuse or accept its defiance of my efforts to have a better life, better health, and to be myself.. no matter what.

I know what choices I'm making today, and I refuse to feel bad for taking care of me after all these years.

The Dangers of Being Honest

Honesty has become a vulnerability.  People who speak their minds honesty are often faced with ridicule and contempt by those who have opposing views. I believe most of us get this and have experienced that ridicule first-hand.  While a valuable lesson, that ridicule and backlash, while it reminds us how we should choose our words carefully, we must always remember that honesty is STILL the best policy, and that lying by omission... is STILL lying.

A friend who reads all my blogs, and I mean every entry (bless her heart), sent me a message and said, "I don't know how you do it. Aren't you scared of haters bashing you?"  Well, no.. I'm not.  I refuse to allow haters and bullies to dictate how I think, behave, react or don't react to any given situation.  I mean, once you give away your power it's really hard to get it back.  It's best not to give your power to another to begin with.

I've relinquished my power to haters and bullies in my past.  My entire life, up until about 3 years ago, I learned to suppress my feelings, to bury anger deep, to hide the foundations of any feelings I had.  Not to say I wasn't emotional, because BOY was I ever.  I wore my emotions on my sleeve for the entire world to see.  But when it came down to recognizing for more than a second what created those emotions, and when it came down to standing up for myself, that's where everything fell apart, and it did so because I was taught early on that having those emotions.. was a bad thing.

I no longer think that, and because I no longer think that I FEEL more intensely those emotions I used to keep in check to the point of denial.  It's been a liberating process, being able to access feelings like that.  I don't have to apologize to anyone for having those feelings, and I reserve apologies now for when I HANDLE those feelings badly; thankfully this is seldom an issue.  So when someone writes me and is worried because I allowed the emotions and thoughts etc to flow freely on the pages here, or in my other blogs, I DO take into consideration what they're saying, but I also take into consideration that I've come a very long way to not only reach my feelings and access them more fully than before, but that it's MORE than OKAY to express them.

There is a danger to being honest.  There's a danger in speaking freely at times.  There's a risk that you won't please one person or another person, etc.  Not everyone is going to like what I'm saying.  But so what?  There will be those who DO, and it's with those people that the unspoken camaraderie is expressed and felt.  What I say, what I express, actually has helped people, and it's certainly helped me.  So I've no intention of changing this, just so everyone here is clear on where I stand.

I will accept the dangers of honesty and continue to be honest, sometimes bluntly, and I will take into consideration the edges honesty has by definition.  I'm not out to hurt anyone, and this is why I name NO names here as to whom I'm speaking about.. IF I'm speaking about someone else.  It occurs to me that having to say this means I'm still aware, very aware, of the risks I take.  But it doesn't matter.. I'm not here to write fiction or make things look better or worse than they actually are.

I'm going to be myself, haters and bullies be-damned.  No one should give up pieces of themselves for others to devour, and that's exactly what you do when you censor your words, thoughts, and feelings in a place or forum where you're there to speak your mind.  People can choose to read or not read, listen or not listen.  Actions are a choice.

So to my friend, though we've spoken about this at length--I hear you.  And I'm okay.  I'm okay with what any hater or bully thinks about me, because I don't answer to them.  And.. you shouldn't either.

Non-PC and Loving it

So much talk about politics and world affairs, and opinions and 'feelings' are running rampant in this country right now.  Most of us are sick of BHO and his BS, and it's really not surprising that many Americans have applauded Putin for his role in trying to take care of ISIS.  Not surprising at all.

I'm not 'un-American' for saying that, btw.  It's simply the truth.  When something needed to be done about ISIS, Obama sat on his ass and did absolutely nothing.  NOTHING.  It doesn't take a genius to see how Obama has disgraced us, nor to see how he will continue to do so as long as he's in office.  Hell-bent on destroying everything we are.  American values, our constitution.. means nothing to him.

While our prez sits on his ass or goes golfing, some of our soldiers were humiliated by Iranian assholes, assholes who are getting more than a billion dollars from Hussein Obama.  WTH is wrong with that guy anyway?  Who the hell does he think he is?... besides "king" and "ruler of all"?  Who the hell cares who he is at this point, because we can't stand the jackass and want him GONE before he completely destroys this country.

Now, this entry would've fit far better in my blog "The Crap I Spew," but I decided to post it here where my dreams and wishes and such often fall upon the pages.  I dream of a United States of America WITHOUT Obama.  I dream of a USA that isn't pandering to one religion or race or ideology.  I dream of a USA that refuses to grab its knees and bend over for anyone at all, but one that STANDS UP STRAIGHT and remembers who we are, what we are, and why we are.

This whole Muslim situation is a freaking train wreck.  No matter how much evidence comes to light with that "religion of peace" (NOT what I call it, btw), left-wingers continue to look at the flood of men and boys entering other countries, even here, under the guise of "refugees," and FAILING miserably to understand or recognize that the REAL refugees are the women, girls, and Christians who are targeted not only by ISIS but by 'ordinary Muslims.'  Do you understand this?  "Ordinary Muslims" kill their own for the most ridiculous reasons, guided by the Quran, acted out within the bounds of Sharia Law, a law and ideology that CONFLICTS with American way of life.  Who with ANY brain cells working doesn't get this?

Donald Trump asked the burning question we all have in our minds, the question of.. where are the women and girls, the elderly?  Why are nearly ALL of the so-called refugees MEN AND BOYS?  The question is a rhetorical one, really, because most of us know the answer...

WHY aren't those men and boys (teens) remaining behind to take care of their wives, mothers, sisters, daughters, grandparents?  Think about it.  Lakewood, CO is poised to receive 1,000-1,200 TEENAGE BOYS by this spring.  TEENAGE BOYS.  Not girls.  Not women.  Not the elderly.  Not families.  TEENAGE BOYS.  The women, the girls, the elderly, the Christians being persecuted, tortured and killed by ISIS AND the 'average' Muslim are being left behind.  LEFT BEHIND.

I'm sorry, but BHO is a liar and a fraud.  He uses ONE token Muslim family, a doctor and his family as a 'representation' of the refugees coming here.  Um, no.  They're NOT representative....

It's not complicated, folks.  READ the Quran and see for yourself what they believe, what they follow, what they're COMMANDED to follow.  It's not like they have something new to follow, a new testament if you will.  They follow the Quran.

I'm reading the Quran, one that comes with three scholarly translations for accuracy.  The passages are VERY clear.  Most of the left, if not all of the left, who claim they know so much about Muslims and Islam... have NEVER read the Quran.  Arm yourself with knowledge and make an informed decision.  Stop listening to what the left-slanted media tells you and look for yourself.  Listen to the former Muslims when they speak out AGAINST Islam.  Listen to the persecuted, watch the difficult stuff... like videos of ISIS burning or beheading anyone non-Muslim and/or anyone who breaks their rules.  More importantly, watch the videos and read the news reports showing "Average and ordinary Muslims" torturing and killing women, girls, etc... for some ridiculous infraction, most of the time based solely on an accusation without evidence.

If you want the truth, seek the truth, and seek it from the closest to the actual source.  When able, go directly to the source, in this case.. the Quran.  READ IT if you dare.  If you want to know what their ideology is, if you want to see that the so-called 'religion of peace' isn't peaceful at all, that it's a political ideology FIRST and something they call 'religion' second, read the Quran.  If you don't want to purchase the book itself, there are many university web sites who have it all posted online with several scholarly translations (for accuracy).

Read the Quran, I dare you.  Read it and figure out for yourself what Islam is, who and what their so-called prophet is.  I dare you.

I will say again that our current POTUS is a fraud and a liar.  I will also say that I was stupid enough to vote for him THE FIRST TIME.  I learned, and I began listening.  I didn't listen to ineffective people who tried to use shame and humiliation to try and sway me, because that doesn't work on me and never will.  Logic, fact, etc... THOSE are the things that work, not ridicule.  People who use ridicule to try and change someone's mind are simple fools who lack anything substantial to say, and they resort to ridicule and mockery because they have NOTHING at all to offer.  Thankfully, I did have someone who talked with me at length about the Obama admin, of which I'd already grown tired of and mistrustful, and he did it in such a way that it made perfect sense, in a way that appealed to my intelligence, rather than emotion.  T is a genius, literally, and knows more about history in great detail than most who teach it.

So here I am sick and tired of BHO and his BS, sick of the career politicians and their fake-ass smiles, empty promises, and dull-minded platitudes.  They're empty suits, every one of them.  Ted Cruz, Jeb Bush, Marco Rubio.... empty suits.  And on the democratic side.. we have one seriously crazy-ass lunatic (Bernie Sanders) and a lying hag (Hillary Clinton), which most of us now are crossing our fingers that she'll be spending her time in PRISON for her crimes.

I'll hop off the soapbox now.  It had to be said.  After last night's GOP debate with Ted Cruz insulting New Yorkers, with his rehearsed, stiff comments and disingenuous rhetoric, with his stereotypical politician chopping hand movements, his smug arrogance... I had just had to say something, because he is the epitome, as Bernie and Hillary are, of what we DO NOT NEED IN THE WHITE HOUSE!

As for Putin---I'm with Trump when I say that we should just let him go after ISIS, because someone with BALLS should!  Our prez... BHO... is nothing but a weenie, a coward, and a snake.  Putin has put BHO to shame and continues to do so.

I love this country.  I love that I'm an American.  I love what this country stands for and feel there is simply no other like it in the world.  I'm sad for this country, for the division Obama has ignited and fueled, for the way people are now trying to erase history blur the lines of right and wrong while claiming they know what is or isn't 'right.'

BHO is a disaster for this country, and those of us who applauded Putin on his stance against ISIS are applauding someone who took the initiative to do the right thing without waiting.  BHO... only continues to do what's right for HIM personally, and relentless signing of executive orders is just one way he's doing this.

Dare we hope Obama grows a set of balls and does the right thing? Yeah. Right.  When pigs fly.

...Ok.  'Nuff said about this for now.

Whatever the Hell That Means

Normal.  No idea what that means anymore.  Every day something changes, and I'm left completely taken aback by the sheer ridiculousness of it all.  But is it really ridiculous, or is it just that I'm finding I can't sort through the mess on my own and come to any conclusions as to how I'm going to deal with this ever-changing situation with my health?  I've gone back and forth so many times with this and have yet to come up with anything that makes any sense at all.  Maybe it's time I stop trying to make sense of what this is and focus on living with what I'm dealt with for the time being.  And maybe, just maybe, I need my head examined. ;p Okay, so that's always a given, isn't it?

My focus is lost as well, and that's to be expected I suppose.  Being sick, really sick isn't something that inspires keen insight and razor-sharp focus, now does it?  I get that, and I accept that as my reality at the moment. Still, where do I go from here?

I'm not sure who's reading all blogs, some of my blogs, or just one... but I've been trying to sort through this newness from every angle, and as you can imagine.. I'm mostly failing.  New symptoms jumped on board today, others have returned from my anemic past, and I'm left sitting here wondering who I can, if anyone, to ask for a re-test of my ferritin levels.  Things is, I'm just too damn tired, too sick... to want to deal with leaving messages for nurses and waiting for a return phone call to state my case.

Nausea and a complete absence of an appetite; a huge change from yesterday.

Prednisone is known for messing with blood sugar, known for massive water retention, and a plethora of other undesirable side effects.  They're necessary evils for those who have to take it to avoid potentially life-threatening complications of various diseases.  In my case, I'm using it to get my body in remission from autoimmune hepatitis, something that will destroy my liver if I leave it untreated.  I accept what must be done, of course.  In the meantime, up until today I've had to fight off relentless hunger, which is a common side effect of Pred.  Today.. is quite a different story altogether...

I noticed a few days ago that my taste has changed, and while at first it was only slightly noticeable, today a wave of nausea hit me and I realized my hunger was absolutely and completely GONE.  In fact, the thought of food makes me sick to my stomach.  This is a major turnaround and one I'm not quite sure what to do with.  And yesterday, my tongue felt sore... as it does today, and with that soreness is an almost numbness.  What gives?

No answers yet.  But I'm starting to wonder if the prednisone has already begun messing with my blood sugar in a major way.  I'm choosing not to think that, but instead.. I'm thinking maybe the anemia is returning.  I don't know WHAT the hell is going on, but I can tell you I don't like it one single bit.

So now what?

I have absolutely NO idea.

For those who've left comments here... THANK YOU!

So it seems comment notifications haven't been working in a VERY long time, so if you've left comments and I didn't reply please know it's because I didn't realize anyone had left any.  Blogger seems to have fixed this.. for now.

I appreciate everyone's feedback, more than I can find words to describe really.  I guess, with the exception of those I know 'in person,' or those who contact me via social networking or email, etc., I often wonder if I'm just shouting or whispering into the wind here.

It was my hope that sharing my own experiences would help others, or make people laugh, or think... well, then it's all well worth it, especially with regards to "This Free Spirit," which was created to help work my way to a healing place post-abuse and hoping to help others along the way know they're not alone.

So again, if you've left comments on any of the entries on any of the blogs and I haven't respond.. I will.  And hopefully Blogger's notification system re comments will continue to work!

Blessings and thanks to all of you...

The Crap I Spew

Well, I told you guys I was going to do this, and I know some of you, if not most of you, usually end up having a preference as to which blog(s) of mine to read.  At least that's what some of you have told me.  The new blog, however, is just an outlet for crazy, stupid, nutty, fun, wacky-whatevers I need or want to share.  Yes, sometimes it's 'need.' ;)

Crap that enters my mind, sometimes unbidden.
Crap I think up that ends up epically cool, or total crap.
Crap I have an opinion about.
Crap I just want to share with you guys for no reason.
Crap I've seen.
Crap I've heard.
Crap I'm confused by.
Crap I'm angered by.
Crap
Crap
Crap
Crap
...and even more Crap.

It's in its fledgling stage, so hang in there as the growing pains begin.

URL:

http://thecrapispew.blogspot.com

Have fun!  Oh, and remember... all PC is out the window there, and don't be surprised if you have multiple WTF moments... eventually, it's gonna happen. ;p

The entry that never was

It happens.  Every so once in a while I'll start an entry, just to be pulled away to deal with something else, only to come back and find it didn't make it into draft.  That's okay.  Probably not meant to be said anyway, at least not all of it.  Still, the early morning entry I was composing was about something very real, and something that instills a sense of urgency on my part with regards to my situation.  Even so, I had two doctor appointments today to contend with, and changes that did, or will be, due to those appointments.

The day wasn't bad.  Today was just a day that needed to 'be' in the great scheme of things called my life.  Learn from what I can and walk away from it with a plan, a new plan if necessary.  Things change.  As information changes, so does my take on how to proceed.  And today was definitely one of those days.

Skipping the annoyance of this morning, I will say that my first appointment went mostly as expected.  Saw the liver doc, an AWESOME doctor btw, and we assessed my reaction to tapering off prednisone.  Since the symptoms of AIH returned beginning with the first taper, he said this is what is used to gauge ongoing treatment/therapy to bring AIH under control and into remission.. long-term.

Basically, as expected, he added Imuran (Azathioprine) to the mix, so I'm now on prednisone, an anti-inflammatory and immunosuppressant, AND Azathioprine, a very powerful immunosuppressant.  The way this protocol works is that I'm to taper down from prednisone while increasing the dosage of Imuran (brand name, btw.. just easier to type. I'm actually taking the generic called Azathioprine).  The Azathioprine dosage will increase as the prednisone decreases until the Azathioprine reaches my ongoing dosage of 150mg/day.

I also had blood work done to re-check liver enzymes, Aldolase (as it was once highly elevated a few months back, returned to normal a few months later), a complete CBC, metabolic panel, and a test for a specific enzyme to see how well, or IF, I will be able to metabolize the Azathioprine.  Some people can't metabolize it and need to use something else, because the drug will literally build up in the system and cause organ damage, mainly to the liver; that's something we definitely don't want.  Doc wanted to start the medication right away, but he is going for a 1/3 of the dosage to begin with, and when test results come back we can assess if I can continue taking it.

In two weeks I have to return for more blood work, and in one month another follow-up.  The blood work in two weeks is basically to make sure I'm still metabolizing the new drug, even if the first test for the enzymes proves favorable.

In the meantime, I'm struggling with dealing with T situations.  I'm not angry, mind you.  Not today anyway.  But I am incredibly disappointed that he doesn't take anything I say seriously with regards to what he does, doesn't do, says, etc.  Things really do have to change or this will not be a long-term relationship, that I can tell you.  And yes, he knows this.

Okay, so what I will say about this morning is this:  I don't sleep that well at night for a few reasons, so waking me up at 5am for a 7:15 appointment makes absolutely NO sense whatsoever.  This morning I was awakened by T, who said it was time to get up.  I was groggy, out of it really, and tired as hell.  But I simply accepted what he said and did my best to get up and get going.  Thing is, I didn't need but 30 minutes TOPS to get ready to go.  And what did he do?  He woke me and then went right back to bed himself.

....?????....

I was up, moving about, bewildered, befuddled, groggy, tired, sleep and sore, and I realized that I was the only one up and 'getting ready' so went to find out what was going on.  I certainly didn't 'need' to be up this early, so I assumed HE had a reason for me to be.  He was back in bed.. sleeping.  I asked him if he had fallen asleep by accident, and he said.. "No. Just going back to bed."  Yeah, I wasn't real happy about this.  I wasn't upset he was in bed when he didn't 'have' to be up, but I was irritated that he made a point of waking me, knowing I would never get back to sleep again.

Let me clarify this completely by saying... there was NO reason I should've been up at 5am.

Anyone who has insomnia for ANY reason understand exactly how precious sleep is, and draining sleep deprivation can be on a body that is chronically 'unrested.'

So why did he do this?  I've no idea.  I asked, and he said he thought I wanted to take a shower.  Um, NO.. when I have an appointment THAT early that shower is done the night before.  He knows this.  Overly cautious on his part?  I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, I really do.  I just wish he would PAY ATTENTION to what I tell him so this sort of thing didn't happen.  And again, if you think I'm being unreasonable, try going MONTHS with very little to no sleep and watch how protective you get with that vital and necessary process.

There's no way to bend or twist the events of this morning beginning at O'Dark:30.  I got over it pretty quickly with the infusion of a few cups of coffee.  But things didn't have to start out so damn badly.  They really didn't.

Consideration.  That's so very important to me.  It's the sister of respect and vital to any type of relationship.  Shit happens, I get that.  Shit happens because we're humans living on planet earth and it's in our very nature to have shit happens.  But a little respect and consideration goes a long way.  I don't get upset with him or blame him when his snoring still wakes me up in the other room.  He can't help it.  Some people snore, especially guys.  I wouldn't get upset if he had to go to the restroom in the middle of the night and woke me in the process.  That's a natural body function and anyone who BLAMES a person for that is totally messed up in the head, plain and simple.  But I don't see any reasonable excuse for ignoring when someone tells you something important.

I need sleep just like anyone else.  Is that just too much to ask?  Am I asking for the impossible by saying... Will you PLEASE listen to me when I'm talking?

*sigh*