The Best Part of My Day

Mornings.  Especially mornings when I am alone and able to just sit in the stillness, drink coffee, and let my mind wander.  Even though I don't feel well (an understatement) I love mornings like this and am a little sad to see the sun go down at the end of the day, knowing that the evenings are FAR from my favorite.

Laying awake at night means research, learning as much as I can with what I KNOW I'm dealing with, as well as what I "may" be dealing with, health-wise.  The more I learn the better prepared I am to face whatever is to come.  The worst part about he uncertain aspects of my health is not really knowing if I'm wasting my time or not.  Given evidence, things I've learned, the larger part of me (no ass jokes, please) still believes that it's imperative that I know, learn, and be ready.

But then the morning comes.

My eyes are puffy when I wake, and they seem to continue to remain in that state.  This could be a prednisone issue that will resolve once I get down to the minimum dosage of 5mg/day, or it could take my coming off the prednisone completely before this, and other side effects, resolve.  But in the mornings the puffiness and pressure reminds me that things aren't as they should be and that I have to take every minute, every movement, every chore or task one by one and decide what it is that day I can or cannot do.  Still, mornings are the best part of my day.

I make no demands on myself anymore but for the task of simply getting out of bed.  Sounds depressing, doesn't it?  It needn't be, though, and I find my way through the day simply because I CAN still get out of bed.  It's an accomplishment at the moment, I promise.

Paroxysmal weakness remains, despite the prednisone, despite the Azathioprine.  It's just a fact, that's all, and one that could in time change considerably.  Fact doesn't equal fate.  When I think of the real possibility that my doctor is correct, that I'm dealing with Myositis (which brand of that has yet to be determined) it can sink my spirits low.  The idea of progressive weakness and muscle wasting isn't something to celebrate, but I can take what steps I can to minimize the damage by making sure I keep moving, exercise, eat enough protein, and keep my mind clear.  The alternative is to simply give up and let it all overcome me.  And no, I'm not into that.

I have my work cut out for me.

But hey, I have coffee and mornings and that little boost of euphoria, however fleeting, to tell me to keep going no matter what.  NO MATTER WHAT, Myositis and AIH be-damned.

Today...beyond morning... I'm going to make sure T finishes putting the exercise bike together....