Remember Me?

Kind of a question I ask myself these days, and mostly because I've almost completely disconnected from myself.  This can happen when you no longer recognize the person in the mirror.  I SEE myself in there somewhere, but the tired, sick, and miserable person looking back at me is someone I don't really know.  God I need a break from life.

It's my new reality for now, and making the best of the circumstances isn't easy.  I feel like I'm standing, frozen, amidst a busy, whirring river of people blurring past on a crowded street.

Stay perfectly still and I won't hurt you.

If prednisone had a voice, this is what it would say.  But I push anyway, and I force myself to go throughout the day trying desperately to do those 'normal' things that tell me I'm still on this planet with my feet firmly on the ground.  I don't feel grounded, though.  Not really.

The undercurrent to my life these days, of course, is the AIH.  It won't be that way always, because at some point I will be in remission and functioning more like a human being again.  But for now, its presence is felt in all that I do.

Somewhere inside I'm still the me I was a few years ago before this massive flare-up.  I'm inside and fighting like hell to hang on.  I haven't given up and don't plan to.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I do give up every single day.  But every single day I find a new reason to keep going again.

"Courage isn't the absence of fear but the triumph over it." --Nelson Mandela