Where the hell do all these decisions come from that I make every day? If I only knew. Yet I really don't have to know the answer to that question in order to make good or bad decisions, because those decisions are going to be what they are despite how I got there. What I mean by that is whether we take advice from others, or make a choice on our own... the end result is really going to be the same, because I firmly believe that even before we're aware of it.. that decision was already made prior to our giving it a voice.
Okay, so what the hell am I getting at here?....?
Firstly, I've had to make friends with the 'inevitable' in my life. I've seen it, acknowledged it's presence, introduced myself and shook its hand; this is how you face your enemy, btw. Now, right now this inevitable thing is trying its best to micromanage my life across the board, giving rise to bad decisions, good decisions, and choices that I often don't recognize the reason for. Now imagine the power it would have on me had I not accepted what it is and its role in my life? Yeah. Exactly. At least by calling it by name and facing it head-on I can somewhat predict a portion of where things are heading, with or without my help, either way.
It sounds a bit like a war or battle, doesn't it? It's not. If you don't acknowledge what IS in your life, how can you possibly know how to manage it so it doesn't end up managing YOU? This is my struggle at the moment. I waited too long while sitting on the sidelines, distracted, to see what really walked into my life and set up housekeeping. But I know better, and better late than never, I say.
My health. My relationships. What I want. What I need. What I long for. What I dream of. What I fear. In every single aspect of my life inevitability is woven deep into the fabric, and whether any of us likes it or not this is the case for all human beings. It's not depressing, and it's not an impossible foe; it is simply what it is, and it IS something we can take control of.
I now make the rules of engagement. I choose when and where and why and with what I use as tools to deal with the inevitable. In my case, at this time, the biggest thing is my health. I have an autoimmune disease; it's for life; it's forever; and it's mine. MINE. If I didn't OWN it, I couldn't control its effects in my life. I can't control if I have it, and I can't control EXACTLY where things will end when it's all said and done, but I can damn sure control my reaction to it, and I can CHOOSE whether to remain steadfast in fighting it, or I can surrender to it's true nature--the "Inevitable." I'm certainly not going to give in to the later, I can tell you this.
Right now the inevitable affects all aspects of my life. But I'm not sitting on my hands waiting for it to TAKE my life, which it could if I didn't do my part and acknowledge my role in things. It doesn't control ME as much as it controls how my body works. You see, I'm slowly but surely learning and accepting that my body isn't who I am. Yes, I'm somewhat late to this game, but I'm learning just the same, and that's what's important.
Today I take the medication to bring this AIH under control.
Today I try my best to choose healthier foods to eat.
Today I choose carefully whether or not I undertake something physical.
Today I try to head off stress, anxiety, and depression.
Today I do my best to do something that makes me smile or laugh.
There's a host of things I can do to help myself along the way.
Today the inevitable sits by my side and follows me throughout every task I undertake. But I'm aware of its presence and that gives me a solid edge, because "I" have a say in how far its reach is and how I either refuse or accept its defiance of my efforts to have a better life, better health, and to be myself.. no matter what.
I know what choices I'm making today, and I refuse to feel bad for taking care of me after all these years.
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