Monotony's Child

NOTE:  Sorry for the text size change.  Had to save this blog due to a Blogger error.

I have no idea why line between days blurs into an unrecognizable abyss just waiting to swallow me at the slightest misstep.  Maybe it's the Prednisone.  Maybe it's more than I'm drowning in daily disrespect from T.  Maybe it's that I feel so badly coming OFF the prednisone.  And maybe... it's all the above.  There's a lot of maybes these days.

The topic of most of my entries here and in my other blogs are centered around my health and relationship issues.  And I'm sure it must get boring to hear me talk about those things with little deviation.  But it's where I am at the moment, and those things are significantly altering my life, my quality of life more specifically.  I long, DREAM, of days where I can just LIVE.  I'm tired of merely existing and need SO much to have a reason to get up each day OTHER than because I have a pulse and pets to care for.  Honestly, I can say that if it not for my pets I wouldn't get out of bed.  The depression is heavy, the physical issues due to illness and treatment is enough to bring me to my knees.  But I can't allow that.  I can honestly say that my pets have literally saved my life a few times over the years.  I owe them my all.

But anyway....back to the issue(s)....

Yesterday sucked in ways I can't even begin to explain.  I have now two more medications added to the mix, one is a continuing protocol for one issue, and the other is a newer protocol for an issue arising from the Prednisone.  My BP was significantly elevated yesterday on both tries, and now I have to take an ARB until I'm off the Prednisone and lose the water weight, and additional fat gain.  The water is the biggest culprit with BP, so once that's under control then things should go back to normal again.  Until then, I have to take Losartan.  I hate BP meds and have previous experience with them due to 3 heart arrhythmias I had.  I say "Had" because I got cardiac ablations to take care of them.

At some point today I have to also take Lasix--a powerful diuretic that will pull most of the excess fluid out of my body.  This means I'll be anchored to my "Girl cave," which thankfully has a bed and everything I need in there.  The bathroom is across the hall, and I'm going to be making FREQUENT trips after the Lasix takes effect.  I'm NOT looking forward to that, btw.  But if it helps... I'll do whatever is needed.

I vowed that today I would drink more water, watch even more carefully what I eat, and try and find something that's going to make me feel better emotionally.  If I can find something, anything online that I can identify with... I would be in a much better place, emotionally.  While I search and search for anything to help me understand how others deal with this.. I'm finding very little information that parallels what my circumstances are.  Most people have a support network, so that very much changes how chronic illness etc affects them.  No support network here, so I turn to the internet to find what I need.  I hate it, but it's all I have at the moment.  And no, I don't feel sorry for myself.  I actually feel determined, despite the depression.  I'm determined to find answers, encouragement, motivation, and I know it's out there.  Somewhere.

And it's a daily thing, a repetition that has become the machine known as my "life."  It takes a lot of fancy footwork for this repetitious seeking of something better to not transform into monotony.  For now, it's just repetition on a daily basis, something I refer to as "Monotony's Child".... 

That's all I have.