One Pass and I'm Done.

I've had to accept the fact that, for now, I'm not running the show called "My Life."  Where I was once the cast, director, producer and writer, I've been pushed aside, fired if you will, by Prednisone.  Today, for example, I made one entry in All Things Ephemeral and I'm absolutely drained, both physically and emotionally.  No amount of coffee is fixing this.

Where do I go from here?  The same place I always go--to my room.  My soft place to fall now is my own space, a place that is completely all mine and mine alone, a place that looks, feels, and even smells like my world, my life, and exists as the most familiar and soothing retreat I know.  It shouldn't be this way.  People should have people in their lives, someone who will listen like a friend, like someone who cares.

I will survive, even if it's mostly on my own.  I've made the decision to NOT burden my sons with my health issues, so I'm on my own.  The 'friends' I've made in my life weren't really friends at all, or at the most just fair-weather friends who only want to be in my life when it's completely convenient and doesn't interfere with their pink cloud existence.  It's okay.  I've come a long way from being hurt by this and know that I honestly can do very well on my own with this.  Would it be nice to have someone to talk to?  Sure.  But it's not something I have to have or need that much.

In a perfect world life wouldn't be this isolated, but I don't live in a perfect world by any stretch of the imagination.  I give in to my emotions to strip them of their power.  If I feel like crying, I do.  If I feel angry or anxious or confused, etc... I allow myself to feel those things, and every time it strips them of their power over me.  This is my life now.  And I accept this.

At the moment I'm self-protective, but that can change in the next moment depending on what's going on or how sick or painful I feel.  For now I'll absorb the shock, the knocks, the punches that life dishes out.  I'll be okay despite everything... and this is something I tell myself every day.

Too sick to keep writing here, so I'll sign off.  Not sure if I'll make entries in my other blogs, so two may have to be my limit for today.  So I guess TWO passes and I'm done.  It happens.