The Similarities of Day to Day Life.

Or shall we call it "A life of perpetual sameness"?  Either way, I'm going to make damn sure I change this.  I have to.

I've posted enough here for you guys to know where I am at the moment.  Dealing with communication and respect issues from T, issues that make themselves known every day and every night without fail.  You also know by now that my tolerance for this is extremely thin, verging on non-existent.  Notwithstanding innocent goof and human blunders, somewhere in the chaos one has to actually SEE the damage being done.  "I" see the damage because I'm a recipient of most of it, but T sits quietly on the river "Denial" and refuses to move.  Ok.  Whatever.

He doesn't like my bluntness and doesn't want me to say aloud the truth that threatens not only to completely destroy this relationship, but the truth that's destroying my peace of mind, health, and happiness.  He's in blissful ignorance, so I don't have any choice other than to say exactly what's on my mind.

When I'm trying to open a discussion, when I need to point out behaviors in someone that TRULY need addressing, I use non-combative phrases.  I speak of how I feel, what the harmful behavior is, but I don't point fingers, name-call, label, etc., because that approach causes damage as well.  I know how to communicate, as long as people allow me to communicate.

Repeatedly disrespecting me is a huge deal and would be for pretty much anyone.  Not allowing anyone to disrespect me was a lesson only recently learned, so I'm still a little awkward with it and finding my balance and strength when approaching the subject.  I'm getting there.  Now, in the process I've become fairly blunt when I've taken all I can, and all PC is out the window.  I speak my mind now while doing my best to preserve the other person's (in this case T) self-esteem.  I've no interest in becoming what I most despise so won't allow myself to go there.

T believes that when I point out what he does that hurts, offends, and disrespects me.. that it's a form of disrespect and that I shouldn't say anything at all.  But I assure you, that approach NEVER works and is, in fact, quite harmful to relationships and the individuals.  If I shove down my feelings, ignore the disrespect, and take the punches in silence... I will eventually resent that person, and that person right now is T.  No matter how I try to explain this--he doesn't get it and shows no indication of trying to understand or stop the disrespectful behavior.

Again, as I've said many times before, I'm not trying to make T out as a bad guy or to demonize him. He's NOT a bad guy--he's just blind to the things he does and doesn't do that greatly and adversely affect me in so many ways.  I hang in there for the obvious reasons, and I do so because I hold hope very close, hope that he'll see what he's doing so it can be stopped.

I may be a bit foolish for relying on hope this way given my past experiences and hope-filled failures.  But there's no reason NOT to hope.  In fact, hope is the great buffer of all things, isn't it?  Life tends to slip apart when hope is lost.

Damage control: There's been a lot of this with most being unsuccessful.  And I'm no stranger to damage control given past relationships that left me holding the weight of fixing everything.  One person CANNOT fix a relationship, nor can one person break it.  If a relationship is going bad, guaranteed there are TWO people at fault, even if it's the behavior of one and the acceptance of that behavior by the other.  It takes two people to break a relationship and two to repair it; an absolute truth.

Sometimes there are victims, yes, but 'most' victims are willing.  Meaning, when you have a way out of a bad situation and don't get on board with preparing things, and if you stay and suffer the damaging consequences.. then you've willingly participated in that damage.

As for me, I was a willing victim.  I played the martyr in love more times than I like to admit.  My role in a past relationship which did a LOT of damage to my self-esteem, body, etc. I take full responsibility for.  I remained in a bad situation, and though I believed that he and I could fix things I refused to see and acknowledge (for far too long) that the weight of that burden was planted fully on me.  I should've left at the first sign of serious problems.

I should have bailed when the relationship began changing the way I saw myself, how I thought of myself, when it began to depress me and fill my entire world with anxiety.  I should have been my own best friend and stood up for ME.  Instead, I did everything I possibly could to change into the distorted version he wished me to become.  It doesn't take a genius to understand that my acceptance of abuses, be they emotional or physical, would nearly destroy me as a person; I get it NOW, but I didn't get it THEN, not until it was too late and the damage was done.

I had to forgive myself more than the other person, because it was ME who let myself down.  I didn't have my own back, and I allowed everything till nearly the end.  It wasn't until I had a TIA and ended up in the hospital (very shortly after the last blow up) did I realize to what degree I'd been beaten up inside and how it had shattered me.

In the hospital the doctors asked about my level of stress, had I been dealing with major life changes such as a death in the family, financial hardship, and/or a breakup.  That was the first time the lightbulb went on and I began to introspect as I lay in that hospital bed with nothing but the hum of the heater to interfere with what came to me.  The realization was harsh, brazen, and shattering in its truth.  I had to get out of the relationship; I had to let go; and I had to do it to save my life.

This wasn't a comfortable awareness when it came blazing out of the deep recesses in which unpleasant things go to smolder.  But there was nothing I could do, really, but allow it into the light and face what it was, what I'd always known but refused to acknowledge.

So the burning question for most people at this point, after hearing/reading about my experience, the question everyone I knew at the time had is: Why the hell did I stay so long?  I stayed because I was in love with him.  Isn't that why any of us stay in bad or toxic relationships, because of our feelings and our sometimes misguided hopes that he/she will change?

I wouldn't find out until much later, until it was far too late and the damage was taking over my life and destroying happiness, that the person I fell in love with didn't really exist.  If you've read my blogs for a while you've heard me say this, and that's because the realization that I fell in love with a lie is profound and one I struggle with today for obvious reasons: You can't say goodbye to someone who doesn't exist.

The mask slipped and I discovered the truth beneath.

To this day everything about me struggles to reconcile who I thought I loved with who I was actually dealing with.

I believe that this problem of irreconcilable truths, for me, is fanning the flames of what's happening in the current relationship.  While I knew this was a possibility there wasn't any reasonable way to prepare for the experience itself.  On one hand being protective is necessary, but on the other hand.. always being poised in defense isn't a good idea either.

This emotional struggle could end with closure; something I will never have.  I can't say goodbye to someone who never existed, now can I?

Yeah... and therein lies the biggest problem of all.  This fight, this struggle permeates day to day life.  T's disrespect, whether purposeful or accidental permeates day to day life.  Health problems worsen and take over day to day life.  There seems to be no end to this....

Preceding Sleep There is Music....

This is an amazing song and definitely meant for a great sound system of headphones.  I love Blue Stone... though whoever made this video chose a rather unfortunate graphic.  Anyway, here is a part of what my night sounds like...............

Those Damn Dreams Again.

I'm not into actual dream journals and feel I don't need to focus on those little mind-movies.  Sure, I understand it's my subconscious trying to work out a few issues or problems, etc., but some of the dreams I have just leave me shaking my head in confusion, bewilderment, and the occasional emotional reaction.  I won't go into the dream itself because it was mostly just symbolism and random persons, none of whom I actually know.  The point, really, is more so what I was thinking about before I went into that sleep--the place where reality makes itself known in a chaos of seemingly unrelated artifacts.

Music is often the vessel in which I obtain sleep, and many times it means I'm hearing the music/song as I drift in and out of sleep with snippets of fractured dreams that fail to completely reveal themselves.  Rarely do dreams or this twilight sleep offer much in the way of understanding, but every now and then something bursts to the surface---taking my breath away when it does.  Normally I just allow the emotions to wash over me and not fight against what I know can't bode well for me if it stays hidden deep and buried.

It didn't bring me to tears, this realization, but it certainly knocked me out of that drowsiness for a few.  I was lucky in that it didn't exactly steal my sleep or leave me shattered.  Still, there is a reckoning in that realization and one I will have to deal with no matter what.  However, I will say that the stark reality I saw and felt only confirmed what I already knew, something that hums in the background as life goes on.  It's there.  I accept what it is.  And I've no idea what to do with it.

Let me move to a different subject, because I'm really not sure what I'm trying to say, and I'm not willing yet to reveal what this truth is...

Moving on...

So I found out today that one of the risks with a medication I'm on is dependancy.  It's for the GI tract, so who would suspect something like that could be addictive?  Geez.  Well, I shouldn't be on it long enough for that to happen.  But dang, do pharmaceutical companies EVER think about the cost and benefits of their medications?  I doubt it.

I'm freezing today--another side effect of weaning off Prednisone, unfortunately.  And it's the kind of cold that makes your hands and feet like ice, the kind that you can't shake off and are forced to simply wait it out.  This is my day today.

I'm feeling badly right now so need to go lay down... it will be my headphones, my music, and my thoughts for a bit....

One Pass and I'm Done.

I've had to accept the fact that, for now, I'm not running the show called "My Life."  Where I was once the cast, director, producer and writer, I've been pushed aside, fired if you will, by Prednisone.  Today, for example, I made one entry in All Things Ephemeral and I'm absolutely drained, both physically and emotionally.  No amount of coffee is fixing this.

Where do I go from here?  The same place I always go--to my room.  My soft place to fall now is my own space, a place that is completely all mine and mine alone, a place that looks, feels, and even smells like my world, my life, and exists as the most familiar and soothing retreat I know.  It shouldn't be this way.  People should have people in their lives, someone who will listen like a friend, like someone who cares.

I will survive, even if it's mostly on my own.  I've made the decision to NOT burden my sons with my health issues, so I'm on my own.  The 'friends' I've made in my life weren't really friends at all, or at the most just fair-weather friends who only want to be in my life when it's completely convenient and doesn't interfere with their pink cloud existence.  It's okay.  I've come a long way from being hurt by this and know that I honestly can do very well on my own with this.  Would it be nice to have someone to talk to?  Sure.  But it's not something I have to have or need that much.

In a perfect world life wouldn't be this isolated, but I don't live in a perfect world by any stretch of the imagination.  I give in to my emotions to strip them of their power.  If I feel like crying, I do.  If I feel angry or anxious or confused, etc... I allow myself to feel those things, and every time it strips them of their power over me.  This is my life now.  And I accept this.

At the moment I'm self-protective, but that can change in the next moment depending on what's going on or how sick or painful I feel.  For now I'll absorb the shock, the knocks, the punches that life dishes out.  I'll be okay despite everything... and this is something I tell myself every day.

Too sick to keep writing here, so I'll sign off.  Not sure if I'll make entries in my other blogs, so two may have to be my limit for today.  So I guess TWO passes and I'm done.  It happens.

Countdown to Nap Time.

Yes, I'm trying to invoke my sense of humor in order to have a better chance of surviving today with all its prednisone withdrawal migraine headaches, weakness, fatigue, and a plethora of other unpleasant pleasantries.  A spring of irony, a handful of sarcasm, and walla!... instant blah, blah, blah. Yeah, it's not going so well.

I guess you could call this entry a 'hit-and-run' share because I'm fading quickly here and in desperate need of laying down, warming up, and praying for these Pred withdrawal side effects to vanish.

......

It's Been Rough

I'm not sure how long I can sit at the computer, but I'm giving it a try anyway...

I'm down to 2.5mg of Prednisone per day and am feeling completely beaten to death at this point.  The bloating/edema is still as severe as ever, and I just can't seem to feel right no matter what I do.  My appetite has waned, thankfully, but now nausea has taken place where I did have the dreaded prednisone appetite.  And I'm cold--SO cold.  I honestly don't have any idea what to expect going forward and am barely hanging on.  I'm dead serious about that.

The worst of it is that I'm having issues, big issues, with my muscles not working; they honestly just refuse to do what they're supposed to do.  The weakness and bloat and discomfort are unbearable.  But I'm hanging in there, getting up every morning, pushing through the routines I like in order to maintain some semblance of normalcy in this so-called "Life."  But it doesn't feel like MY life.  Not even a little.

It's only 10:55am and I've been up since about 7:30am.  And I want so badly to crawl back into bed, cover up, get warm... and sleep.  Just... sleep.  I'll allow myself to give into that once I'm done updating my blogs; a goal I set today and intend to fulfill.

Where is normalcy, my life, vitality?  Why I continue to ask that is beyond me.  I mean, I know full well it's just a rhetorical question that has NO answer.  Habit, I guess.

....I'm waning fast here....

Just because it's expected doesn't mean it's okay.

Yeah, I know.  I'm sure you guys are sick of hearing about me coming off Prednisone.  But, believe it or not, there are a LOT of people who have to take this stuff in high doses and often for a long period of time (months to years).  In my case we're talking about 2 months after it's all said and done, and when it comes to prednisone.. that is a very long time.

As I research I find many common complaints relating to my symptoms, and these seem to point to tapering off too quickly.  This means the adrenal glands haven't quite woken up enough to do their job.  The body is protective and reactant when it comes to anything upsetting homeostasis--we all know this.  So when something is brought on-board, like a glucocorticoid (a cortisone-like drug), the body springs into action to shut down the adrenal glands to thwart any danger brought on by excess steroids.  This process is a good thing.  My current symptoms began when I began to taper off the prednisone, but also when I added Aza (Azathioprine.. or "Imuran").  There was, and somewhat is, no way to definitely say what's causing these undesirable side effects.  Only time will tell.

In the meantime I'm stuck at home, uncertain from one day to the next, or one moment to the next what I can or can't do.  Yes--I sound like a broken record.

I'm reconfiguring my life around this withdrawal and its symptoms.  There really isn't any other choice.  And in the stretch to an unseen finish line I have to deal with T.  I mention this because it truly does make this process, this experience all the harder... and unnecessarily so.  Since I don't have control over what he does or doesn't do, and wouldn't WANT to have control, I have to focus even harder on what my future looks like, what I want, and how I plan to get there.  The first step to my future is to heal; this means taking all necessary steps to wellness.

I do have so much more on my mind, ideas and dreams that have yet to be realized and are 'just' out of reach at the moment.  Believing I'll get there demands I concentrate on healing as it's the most important part of the foundation for good living, and a vibrant, healthy, quality of life.  That foundation is necessary, vital to building a better future for myself.  See, I get at least that much.

So my talking about my health is critical, at least for me, and it's critical because it cannot be avoided.  If I look the other way while doing nothing, I'm going to get blindsided by what may be coming.  It's okay to be prepared for the worst while expecting the best, and anyone who chooses only one side of that coin is most likely going to receive a harsh lesson.  Why on earth would I invite that?

Okay, so now I've blabbered on about the same ole same ole.  It's a necessary evil, I guess.  Knowing a bit about what to expect as I taper off of a very powerful and dangerous medication, as the symptoms threaten to take me out at the knees.  Yeah, a lot of people deal with these withdrawal side effects, and it's expected...

But just because it's expected doesn't mean it's okay.  Trust me, it's NOT okay.  Ugh.

The Facebook Toast Experiment.

Time; Taken for granted, abused, ignored, squandered and sometimes stolen.  It's the currency of our lives, the one thing we can't live without, yet we can't seem to remember how little of it (time) we actually have.  It's nearly impossible to truly appreciate the time we have when we feel healthy, strong, energetic and, face it, damn near immortal.  When one's quality of life diminishes, time not only becomes more valuable but is measured quite differently.

When you deal with chronic illness, when quality of life diminishes, every moment, every choice, every decision is weighed carefully against what is gained as opposed to what is lost.  I have to make these choices on a daily basis now, because time wasted is, well, gone forever.  I don't know from one day to the next, or one hour to the next, or even one MINUTE to the next exactly how good or bad I will feel or what I will be able to do or not do.  My choice as to how I spend my time and who I spend it on isn't taken lightly.  My family automatically gets my time and attention, with the exception of siblings.. who never treated me like family from the time I was born (another talk show).  I also give my pets my attention and time.  I'm not about to waste precious time on people who aren't there for me, or on those who treat me with very little (if any) respect.  T is the exception because I still hold hope that he'll come around.

My time right now is divided into some unpleasant categories.  I spend a lot of my day just trying to make it from one mundane and everyday task or situation to the next.  There's no room for extraneous anything, no room for excess, no room for frivolity, no room for other people's drama.  Again, my family can bring their heartaches and rants and whatever to me no matter what; that's called unconditional love.  But mark my words, if you're absent in my life and suddenly want my attention... you better have a good reason, because the days of being a last-resort sounding board are gone.  I value REAL relationships, REAL friendships.  I have no room and no time for anything less.

As my entire morning was spent dealing with health issues (that I won't go into), I'm reminded how few truly good days I have.  If there is even 5 minutes without pain or discomfort, that 5 minutes is golden and not to be squandered.  So few people understand when I refuse to engage in their blatant drama or hateful rhetoric on Facebook, and I welcome being blocked or ignored by those who engage in those 'activities.'  I simply have NO room for it in my life.  And I'm not talking about normal, everyday drama that everyone has.  I'm talking about people who go out of their way to start drama using overt or veiled insults, or even resorting to passive/aggressive social networking maneuvers in an attempt to irritate or otherwise provoke me.  I've blocked or unfollowed a few who've done this.  Thankfully, most people aren't like that.

I've actually taken to spending a LOT less time on Facebook these days and mostly engage in my quota of social networking on Twitter.  When I compare the two I'm actually quite surprised at how superficial FB activity is.  People simply focus on the weirdest things, ignoring anything REAL a person posts.  This became SO apparent to me when I posted, of all things, a photo of several pieces of TOAST--yep, actual toasted bread (see image to left)--and a request from the poster (me, in this case) asking which people preferred.  This was a re-post, btw.  And you would NOT believe how many people responded to THAT post! I could hardly keep up!  But if I post something real, something that has to do with current events, anything that isn't a meme or video or whatever... only a few small number of people comment.  I have to wonder if people are chronically on autopilot while on FB.

How this translates into the real world is pretty easy to figure out.  Most are walking around in their pink cloud and are too afraid to peek out at the absolute technicolor of real life.  I don't understand this.  And talk about a waste of time!

The toast experiment was telling, I have to say.  VERY telling.  And I also learned something valuable about the outcome.. and that is... most people really think they have forever, that they can walk around with their blinders on and not participate in real life without consequences.  My health prevents me from participating in many events and activities right now, but I'm still participating in life as it is right now.  I'm engaged enough to not be distracted by, of all things, a photo of toast.  My time is just too precious to waste on the superficial BS that most engage in so they don't have to put too much of their time or effort into anything that doesn't serve them completely.

Can we login to life now?

Monotony's Child

NOTE:  Sorry for the text size change.  Had to save this blog due to a Blogger error.

I have no idea why line between days blurs into an unrecognizable abyss just waiting to swallow me at the slightest misstep.  Maybe it's the Prednisone.  Maybe it's more than I'm drowning in daily disrespect from T.  Maybe it's that I feel so badly coming OFF the prednisone.  And maybe... it's all the above.  There's a lot of maybes these days.

The topic of most of my entries here and in my other blogs are centered around my health and relationship issues.  And I'm sure it must get boring to hear me talk about those things with little deviation.  But it's where I am at the moment, and those things are significantly altering my life, my quality of life more specifically.  I long, DREAM, of days where I can just LIVE.  I'm tired of merely existing and need SO much to have a reason to get up each day OTHER than because I have a pulse and pets to care for.  Honestly, I can say that if it not for my pets I wouldn't get out of bed.  The depression is heavy, the physical issues due to illness and treatment is enough to bring me to my knees.  But I can't allow that.  I can honestly say that my pets have literally saved my life a few times over the years.  I owe them my all.

But anyway....back to the issue(s)....

Yesterday sucked in ways I can't even begin to explain.  I have now two more medications added to the mix, one is a continuing protocol for one issue, and the other is a newer protocol for an issue arising from the Prednisone.  My BP was significantly elevated yesterday on both tries, and now I have to take an ARB until I'm off the Prednisone and lose the water weight, and additional fat gain.  The water is the biggest culprit with BP, so once that's under control then things should go back to normal again.  Until then, I have to take Losartan.  I hate BP meds and have previous experience with them due to 3 heart arrhythmias I had.  I say "Had" because I got cardiac ablations to take care of them.

At some point today I have to also take Lasix--a powerful diuretic that will pull most of the excess fluid out of my body.  This means I'll be anchored to my "Girl cave," which thankfully has a bed and everything I need in there.  The bathroom is across the hall, and I'm going to be making FREQUENT trips after the Lasix takes effect.  I'm NOT looking forward to that, btw.  But if it helps... I'll do whatever is needed.

I vowed that today I would drink more water, watch even more carefully what I eat, and try and find something that's going to make me feel better emotionally.  If I can find something, anything online that I can identify with... I would be in a much better place, emotionally.  While I search and search for anything to help me understand how others deal with this.. I'm finding very little information that parallels what my circumstances are.  Most people have a support network, so that very much changes how chronic illness etc affects them.  No support network here, so I turn to the internet to find what I need.  I hate it, but it's all I have at the moment.  And no, I don't feel sorry for myself.  I actually feel determined, despite the depression.  I'm determined to find answers, encouragement, motivation, and I know it's out there.  Somewhere.

And it's a daily thing, a repetition that has become the machine known as my "life."  It takes a lot of fancy footwork for this repetitious seeking of something better to not transform into monotony.  For now, it's just repetition on a daily basis, something I refer to as "Monotony's Child".... 

That's all I have.

5:43 AM

5:43 AM -- This morning I find out if one of the medications I'm on is causing the swelling around my eyes.  Funny thing is that I'm wondering HOW I'm going to manage actually getting through the parking garage, into the hospital (where my specialist's office is), get to his office, and then the entire routine in reverse.  I've never felt so sick in my life.

Autoimmune Hepatitis, for me, should be relatively easy to get under control, and possibly keep under control.  I don't have cirrhosis, so the level of damage to my liver is minimal since the AI was caught early.  That's the good news.  But the case for what the medication(s) can and seem to be doing to me is another matter that has to be dealt with, and like a lot of people I'm only just a little surprised that I'm trying to decide which is worse; the disease or the cure?  I think there's no easy answer to that and the outcome could go either way.  At least for me.

Today I go down another 5mg of prednisone, and I have no idea what to expect.  Thus far, since there's no actual answer as to what's causing the symptoms I have at the moment, I've not even tried to predict what will happen when the dosage is tapered down.  And I'm completely torn now because I REALLY REALLY want OFF this drug.  Prednisone is nothing to mess with.

The depression that comes with taking this stuff doesn't help at all, and I've no coping mechanisms in place to catch me when I fall.  Those feelings of hopelessness, when they come simply just arrive like an unwanted house guest with way too many suitcases.

Finding hope is an everyday task as necessary as getting out of bed and having coffee.  That elusive hope, the thing that provides inspiration in a seemingly grim situation, evades me on most days.  But coffee helps!  And no, I'm absolutely not making jokes about that blessed liquid.  While my miracle vacations in the Bahamas somewhere, hope is the somewhat-retarded cousin who only wants to make demands instead of helping.

In the midst of the confusion, the chaos, the physical misery, I'm left to not sharing any of what I'm going through with anyone--at least face-to-face or on the telephone.  No family to call, no one to talk about this to---except for you guys.  How far into the virtual void does this information echo anyway?

Time to go...

1:42 PM -- Well, two doctor visits and a trip to LabCor was less than ideal.  New prescriptions, more blood work, and the realization that this prednisone is seriously messing with my BP.. which was 192/94 on the second try; the first was higher.  I hate BP meds, which I had to take before my ablation for 3 heart arrhythmias.  Those meds can make a person ridiculously tired--something I already deal with.  But it's just one of those things, I guess.  Also checking to make sure all's well with my kidneys... which I'm sure are fine despite some of the off-kilter values last week.  Maybe just a little dehydrated.

At the moment my entire body is absolutely tired and achy.  I was 5 hours late taking the prednisone dose today because I couldn't eat before heading out. OH well.

Right now I think I'm just rambling on and not really saying anything, so I'll sign off for now.  I'm in need of a nap and my favorite blanket...

The Elusive Unknown.

Variables in my life are sometimes the insidious monsters that hide in the shadows laying in wait.  While the analogy sounds grim, it's my way of defining the undefinable.  It's a human thing, after all.

This road I'm on is rocky, and I'm left feeling the broken pieces of my life digging deep into every step I take. On the surface everything appears chaotic and inherently uncontrollable; such is the process of healing.  One thing resolves while another is revealed.  Symptoms from illness, symptoms from medications to treat illness, and more pieces of yet another puzzle found in lab reports that inspires even more questions than reveals answers.  I'm left wondering when this will ever end and how?

I know how I sound most of the time, and I've refrained from giving voice to the truth inside.  I guess it's my not-so-distant past still poking it's spiny nails into my back, reminding me I just can't express those feelings because it may make other people uncomfortable... "And we can't have that, now, can we?".. it says.  That voice should've been silenced a couple of years ago, and yet here it is, interfering again.  That's another talk-show, I'm afraid.

But the truth is--I'm depressed most of the time.  Beyond that first week on prednisone, when I felt more like myself than I had in years, things have gotten better in some ways, and worse in many others.  So much is blindingly out of control, and I don't have the energy or drive to rage against any of it, nor do I have the power right now to affect change.

There are steps that I MUST take in order to heal.

There are some things I can do, or that I think I can do given my health problems.  And when I say "Think" I'm referring to changes I can make that I've no clue as to if they would help or harm.  Since there are no definitive answers as to what's what beyond the Autoimmune Hepatitis, I'm left in this ridiculous limbo where I wait.. and wait.. and wait; not the best scenario, I assure you.

I go to bed each night believing that the next day will be better, another opportunity to get it right (whatever that means).  I listen to music, remember better times, better health, and being happy, and long for a sleep where I don't remember my dreams the following day.  And when I wake up in the morning I'm greeted with the familiar weakness, and the other reminders that I'm not anywhere near healed.  It's another day of waiting and wondering and finding the strength to just...keep...going.  For every day I make it to the end I consider a good day, because I haven't given up, at least not yet.

It's glaring apparent as to what I need to do.  My mind and body are often at odds, all physical and emotional 'discussions' ongoing and without, as of yet, any agreement.  Let me tell you--this sucks in more ways than I can describe.

Eat better.  Work out.  Find ways that inspire peace, tranquility, happiness, joy.  BELIEVE that this WILL be resolved at some point.  I know this is what I should be doing, how I should be thinking, but my body warns me that believing isn't enough--not nearly enough.

The problems with my relationship also causes a great deal of distress, stress, anxiety, frustration, and it often completely steals all joy out of my life--what little there is.  If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times--I'm not demonizing T.  He does the best he can, I know, but his being tuned out, the knee-jerk reactions and actions of his that are blatantly disrespectful needs addressing.  And soon.  I can't do that for him, which means I'm left to exist within the confines of those happiness-destroying behaviors.  He's a good man, but he needs to educate himself on a few things.  Enough said about him, though.

I'm depressed.  I am.  I'm not completely taken out at the knees, though, so that's a good thing.  But it's something I needed to say.

Deciphering Dreams is Like Trying to Fold Clothes With Your Mind.

I remember most of my dreams.  Most of the time they really don't strike me as anything important.  But there are times when I wonder WTH my subconscious is doing when I get one of the weirder versions and WTH I'm supposed to do with the message(s)?  Most of the time I don't even bother trying, and I simply allow that strange, haunted feeling to carry me throughout the day.  Basically, I usually let it sort itself out.  Only thing is, last night's dreams (yes, plural) had an odd message, and one I'm not used to hearing.

Now, I have to say I don't believe all the 'dream interpretation' stuff out there.  For the most part what I see is just new age rhetoric nuzzled closely with religion/anti-religion belief systems, and I tend to think that dreams are 'mostly' our subconscious trying to work things out--simple Psychology 101.   Not to say that prophetic dreams don't happen, because I believe they do.  I just happen to believe that's not the case most of the time.  Having said that....

I dreamed of dying.  And not in some bleak, spooky, Stephen King sort of imagery, but rather something that felt practical but softly urgent.  My take is that those dreams had a lot to do with what I learned yesterday when I received copies of my lab results.  While alarming, I've not been given any kind of death sentence or any real cause to panic.  Nothing like that so far.  What I'm taking away from what I learned is that I need to be aware.  I can do that.  But my subconscious did have a field day with it.

Some of my dreams leave me haunted by the way things felt within them, and last night's dreams have done just that.  Okay.  Maybe I'm supposed to feel this way in order to affect some change.  Makes sense to me.

I'm choosing to not overthink the imagery or feelings those dreams of dying invoked, because it's virtually impossible to know exactly what they mean, what their purpose is, or even what I'm supposed to do with the information.  The more I think about it, the more confused and 'off' I feel.

Deciphering your dreams really is a lot like trying to fold clothes with your mind.  You can sit and stare and concentrate on them until your head hurts, but the wrinkles and folds and chaos remains unchanged....

That Deleted Post

Okay, as you long-time readers/friends know, I often delete posts.  The last one is a bit too sensitive, so I decided to delete it until I learn more.  Yes, it's health-related, but I don't know anything about what it actually MEANS right now.  Best thing, imho, is to just let it be until I have a better understanding about what I'm dealing with.

If you read the entry before I deleted it, then you know what I'm talking about.  Given that, once I learn more I'll update.

Sheesh.

I really need a nap.  Seriously.  Life just has to get easier than this crazy rollercoaster I'm on at the moment.

A Deliberate Derailing

It happens when we least want it to.  That sucks, huh?  But I discovered something today about the ole train of thought, and that's knowing when to purposely derail that bitch!  Across my blogs I've tried to focus on what needs to be done with my current health situation, relationship situation, etc., and what I found is that my mind just kept staying on what is currently happening that I can do nothing about.  I mean, it will drive you nuts if you don't have answers for something extremely pressing, like health or relationship issues, and I am not immune to that at all.  Given the level of frustration, I need to do something to completely and totally derail my train of thought, and I could really care less where the wreckage lands at this point.  There will be chaos when that thing jumps the track, but maybe a little chaos is what's needed to force a little organization to the situation.  Right?

Let's go!

Right.  Now did you really think it would happen that easily for me?  It's okay, though.  My main goal is to feel better, feel GOOD, be happy, healthy, and have a mostly-peaceful life in which I can thrive and survive.  I can't even begin to consider wasting precious time on those trivial things that many take for granted.  I won't even go into all of that here.

There's a bigger picture.

Every time I make a mistake, meaning straying from the current daily goals I've set for myself, I feel a little frustrated.  Not a lot, but enough to get my attention.  I've been posting like crazy in all of my blogs in order to sort things out and redirect my thought processes in a different direction; not really away from the problems but more towards what I can do to help my situation.

It's a lot like slight-of-hand when you're both the magician and audience; there's just some things you can't really hide from yourself no matter how hard you try; the illusion always gives itself away.

Outside of actual magic or parlor tricks my mind continues to actively search for answers.  Currently, even if I'm given good information, accurate information I'm left with more questions than solutions to my problem.  So do I just let go and ride the rails on a runaway train of bad health and confusion?  Or do I keep focusing this somewhat nervous energy towards learning, understanding, and exercising patience where it has little chance to survive?  Do I force my mind to focus on trivial matters or escapist literature or... staring at the television lost in a daze of fiction?  Will those things keep me from overthinking this whole health mess?

See?.... always ending with yet another question.  Well, that just sucks.

The Sound of What's Within