No idea where I am

Seems a common theme, doesn't it?  That most of my entries are about being lost, confused, and simply just not knowing where the hell I am or even WHO I am sometimes.  I've been here before, having lost myself completely in another situation.  And there is really nothing at all good about being in this place at all.  No.  Not at all.  But it's a lot like being in quicksand--knowing if you move at all in any direction you're going to sink even faster.  Crap.  Crap.  Crap.

I don't mind being lost as long as it's beautiful where I am.

For a moment, if I could just lose myself to something bigger, magnificent, taken to a place that feeds my soul.  Life is just too short to settle for mediocrity, and yet that's exactly what I've done.  And I really don't think at all that it has anything to do with being led, blindly, into the abyss, but rather than I've forged ahead on my own while my eyes were closed, shut tight against what might be.

The mundane features of every day life are what we exist in, right?  I mean, we can't avoid it for the most part...unless we're filthy rich.  We do our own laundry, wash our own dishes, clean the house, the dog, and so forth...

But it's what happens between the seconds that count the most.

That's where I lose myself, in those places between the seconds.  It's not easy finding my way in there right now.  I truly believe, though, that the happiest people are the ones who live in those tiny moments, because it what connects everything else.  Every.  Thing.  Else.

So what do those seconds mean to me?  What are they?  They're different for everyone, but for me personally they're little sparks of time that shine brighter and warmer than the sun, yet are as calming as they are invigorating when you submerge yourself in them....

Since moving here a year and a half ago I've lost every one of those seconds.  Prior to that...I was fairly good at finding the little sparks and allowing them to ignite what flows through me---my wants, dreams, wishes, illuminating all that inspires awe.  Those were what fed the creative side.

Now, when I reach for life in those potent places I'm yanked back into the more stagnant parts of life. I don't thrive there.  I don't think anyone does.  But when you're with someone who ONLY lives in that inert place... it can drag you down like an anchor.  And no, I'm not speaking of being anchored as in grounded.  I'm talking purely of something that takes you under the water and drowns every vibrant part of your being.

That's where I am when I'm lost.

Like now.

Drowning.

What comes naturally to me is to exist in beauty, surrounding myself and shaping my environment so that it resonates with what's inside of me.  I think this is what everyone does, even if they're not aware of it.  But it's something I need to do to be healthy!  No amount of explaining to T has made him understand, nor has it inspired him to take the initiative to FIND understanding.  He doesn't understand me.  At all.  And, sadly, he's chosen to be an anchor in my life that's keeping me from seeing the sun... or breathing.

The only way I can survive is to pull away and do what I have to do, risking his disapproval, ire, or whatever.  But you know what?  I've done things his way for some time now, and it's killing me..slowly but surely.  Not just who and what I am inside, but they physical body as well.  The way I will choose to live my life from here forward is to save my life.  I have to.

My needs aren't being met on any level.  As a human being I feel shackled.  As a women I feel dissected.  What I need to do NOW is change my feelings and life.  Period.

I don't recognize my surroundings or myself.  My bad health is making things far worse, too, and.. well, I'm working on that.  Those chains are what they are, but they will be shed far faster than the ones inside my soul.

I can't breathe.

It's just time is all.  I will change my own environment because I have to.  My spirit longs deeply and wholly to explore beautiful places, to see what I've not seen, to submerge each and every sense I have into being alive!  I need travel.  I need to experience something else.

I need my life back.  Again.  So I'm taking it back and making my own experiences based on what I need.  The time has come to actually live my life and feel complete, whole, invigorated....

Wish You Were Here- Pink Floyd feat. John Lennon

Damn thing won't stop beeping

Day 2 with the heart monitor, and it just won't stop beeping.  Okay, so there are pauses, but there have been SO many... I didn't get this many when I had SVT, AFib, and atrial flutter.  Weird.  For those who don't know how an event monitor works, you basically wear a portable EKG that comes with a monitor that records everything your heart does, and a wireless communicator that sends the information to the monitoring center.  Yes, you're actually monitored the entire time, 24/7, by real people.  This is not the same thing as a Holter monitor where you have the recorder only.

So when an 'event' occurs, one that you know of, you hit the button at the top of the monitor to mark the EKG, then the communicator asks what happened (palpitations, chest pain, shortness of breath, etc.), then it asks what you were doing when it happened (nothing, walking, exercising, etc.).  And whether or not you FEEL what happens, 'they' know..and it's recorded anyway and uploaded to the monitoring center's software.

When I speak of 'beeps,' there are actually 2 that happen during the event.  The first beep says something is happening and being recorded (blinking green light goes solid)...which takes approximately a minute, and the second beep says that event has been marked and is being uploaded (alternating blinking green and blue lights).  Nothing on the communicator asks you to state what happened or what you were doing because, if you didn't push the button, you're not aware anything happened anyway.

Basically, it beeps often when I'm standing, and it beeps nearly every time I bend over to pick something up off the floor.  It's also been beeping while laying down (like last night), and also when I'm just sitting and talking to someone.  This is not the way this usually goes for me, so I don't know what it's picking up.  Possibly PVCs, which most people have and aren't often aware of.  Thing is... I've never had a monitor go off as much as I have the past 24 hrs.  I have to wear this for 4 days, and it's procedure as a one year follow-up after a cardiac ablation.  It's meant to make sure episodes of the arrhythmia(s) aren't happening and determines wether or not the ablation(s) was/were successful or not.

Now, I have iron deficiency anemia, and it's NOT being treated.  So that could possibly explain anything my heart is doing.  Or it could be something related to the Grade II Diastolic Dysfunction I've recently be diagnosed with.  Not sure.  Honestly, I first thought I had a defective monitor, but the monitoring center ALWAYS knows if something's wrong and calls to recalibrate or decide if they need to send another monitor.  So far, no calls.  This is good in that nothing serious is happening. ;)

I know.  Blah blah blah.  I will get to more personal matters later on.

When assumptions are a good thing

I have to admit I'm exhausted.  No matter if I sleep or not, or how much sleep I get... I can't seem to bring myself out of the exhaustion with ANY success at all.  Coffee has once again become my best friend, and as I sit and type and catch the aroma of that little cup of wakefulness... I'm at least grateful for having that to help me through the morning.  I'm assuming it's okay, this daily morning indulgence, because I'm mindful of just how much of it I can consume without shoving myself into overdrive.  Assumptions can be a good thing, sometimes.

My sleep study is this evening.  And as I sit here typing with my forearms resting on the table (can't hold them up to type most of the time) I have a little spark of hope, mixed with apprehension, that maybe they'll find something that will lend hope to ending this awful fatigue and sluggishness I've felt for so long.  While a few things could be to blame, including (but not limited to) the anemia, vitamin D deficiency, NASH, and the new heart issue... I'm still assuming that I may have a problem with sleep apnea.  I've been told that there are more types of sleep apnea than the typical 'obstructive' type.  We shall see.

So what fuels me each day if I'm so tired?  Ha!  Funny you should ask...in a matter of speaking.  I guess it's just knowing I HAVE to get up, keep going, keep moving.  I really don't have any other motivation at the moment.  It's funny, really, how motivation seems readily available, like it's just right there in front of me, yet I can't seem to use it.  Well, there's fuel and there's fire... you need both for combustion, right?  I'm lacking at least one, though many days it feels like both are missing.

Man.  I can't even describe how 'blah' I feel these days.  THAT, my friends... is yet another talk show.

PART 1: While I was looking the other way...

After focusing on the liver issues and anemia and how to resolve them, I didn't take into account that anything else could be causing or contributing to my symptoms.  After my ablations last year for AFib, Atrial Flutter, and Supraventricular Tachycardia (SVT), I figured that was going to be pretty much it for heart issues.  I've had Mitral Valve Prolapse since I was a kid, and yes... that valve began to leak and is at the mild-moderate stage at this time.  I'm supposed to get a yearly ultrasound to keep an eye on things, and up till this past week it was just something I had to do.  I'm about 6 months late on this past one because the clinic I usually go to has lost 3 doctors to career move or changes, and this means my appointment got pushed months out due to the shortage of doctors.  I didn't really think much of it and decided to see if I could get my yearly ultrasound done when I went to see my EP about getting the Watchman Device implanted in my heart... at his suggestion.  I won't discuss that particular device right now because I've previously posted about it.  And I've yet to see if I can even have the procedure done in lieu of recent ultrasound findings.

Saturday (22nd) I received the ultrasound report in the mail.  I certainly didn't expect to see what was on the sheet, to tell you the truth.

I know the MVP can get worse in some people, and mine is slowly getting worse.  I also know that during my last two ultrasounds I discovered that my aortic valve was also leaking.  Well, it is what it is, and this is why I get a yearly ultrasound.

So I'm home alone and looking over the report that arrived in the mail on Saturday, and I see several things listed that surprised me...and I've listed the highlights below.  I will get to what it all means in a moment...

Left Ventricle
Diastolic filling demonstrates a pseudonormal pattern (new).

Left Atrium
Left Atrium Chamber is mildly dilated (new).

Right Atrium
Right Atrium Chamber is mildly dilated (new).

Aortic Valve
The Aortic Valve is mildly calcified.  There is mild aortic regurgitation (I already knew about this).

Mitral Valve
The Mitral Valve leaflet is mildly thickened.  There is mild-moderate mitral regurgitation (knew about this as well, with the exception of the valve now being thickened).

Tricuspid Valve
Trace tricuspid regurgitation (new).

Pulmonary Valve
There is trivial pulmonic regurgitation (new.  "Trivial" refers to the amount, but there is nothing trivial about this).

Diagnosis

Grade II/IV diastolic dysfunction.  This is heart failure.

Okay, so... there it is.  Now what?  Basically, Grade I is pretty much reversible and doesn't require treatment.  Grades II, on the other hand, requires treatment in hopes it won't progress quickly.  I have to wait to find out WHAT that treatment will be.  For some, this occurred due to high BP, but for me.. it was most likely a combination of years of having SVT, MVP, and then Afib and atrial flutter.  It's not like they can treat my HBP because I don't have that.  I may still end up on a beta blocker (hate those) to slow my HR down so it fills properly and doesn't regurgitate back into my lungs.

So yeah, there were a few new things that I learned about from this last ultrasound, none of them good.  Grade II is usually symptomatic, and I now wonder how much of the awful symptoms I've had are due to DD and not anemia or liver issues.  Something interesting that I've discovered, however, is that at night the pressure can cause RUQ pain in the liver.

Well, what do I do with this information?  Simply put, I need to get my shit together.  Exercise (with Dr's approval) is necessary, diet changes (low-fat and low-sodium), etc.  The usual.  My question is--- how the hell do I exercise when I now deal with exercise intolerance?  I guess I will have to find out.

I've been in a sort of daze since I received the news, and while I'm not really 'scared,' parts of me think I should be, because fear is often motivating in these circumstances.  Still, I'm not sure how I feel about this.  And as for T... he's indifferent, doesn't talk about it, and goes through his entire day as if I told him I stubbed my toe.  And it's not the 'I'm going to think positive' type of indifference, either.  He really has this reaction to just about everything, unless it's about him specifically.  This has been an ongoing problem of late, and it's now become more critical than ever to figure out what it all means to me.  Doesn't really matter what his indifference means to him, because he just claims he's not.  Denial isn't a river in Egypt.

So the question remains... how do I feel about this?  The answer is.. I really don't know.

It's not easy to sort through something like this without talking about it.  But who do I talk to?  No clue.  No clue at all.

An Echo of Nothing

I wish there were more fun and interesting things to write about.  But the truth is... there's just not.  There's nothing interesting about my life at the moment.  Frustrating, yes.  Disappointing, yes.  Interesting.. not so much.  Nope.  Not so much.

Maybe I've just flatlined due to the Flexeril.  It's one of the side effects, and so far I've ended up with 3 of them, none of which are anything anyone would want.  I may take myself off this stuff before the two weeks is up, and I'm DEFINITELY NOT staying on them long-term.  No way.  So is this a drug-induced blasé ... or is my life needing much more in the way of, well, actual 'living'?  I would have to say that the answer is an unequivocal 'Both!'

I'm also incredibly tired this morning.  Weekends, as I've mentioned in the past, are tough.  I get very little sleep, rest, or peace when T is home.  Not a great sleeper these days means I make up about 2 hours after he gets out of bed.  On the weekends, however, I'm unable to do this so end up being sleep-deprived throughout Saturday and Sunday of each and every, single week.  *sigh*  It wreaks havoc on my state of mind and health.  The way I see it, it really doesn't need to be this way.  A little common courtesy goes a long way in these matters.  I mean, does every single thing a person does in the morning HAVE to sound like a wrecking ball going through the house?  :/

I miss the peacefulness of my old apartment and life.  I may not have had a 'fancy' life, but it was pretty sweet.  And living alone wasn't a bad thing at all, really, though I didn't realize how much I would appreciate that later on.  C'est la vie.

At the rate things are going I realize now how much I need to step things up with getting my health in order.  I have to be healthy enough to live my own life and indulge, at least on occasion, in those things that made me thrive.  It's really not a possibility at the moment as things are currently.  But it's all quite fixable, and I can repair my health and my life if I'm diligent and believe in myself.

The reparations of my life and health are underway, but it's going to take some time.  Eventually we will get to the bottom of things, and then I will know what I need to do to begin healing.  The anemia is one issue, for example, of something that is making my life incredibly difficult.  It causes fatigue and pain, as does fibromyalgia.  Three doctors so far tell me have fibromyalgia, but I'm of a mind that such a title is only stating the obvious "Muscle Pain."  That's not a diagnosis, that's a symptom.  I truly believe that there's a CAUSE for that pain.  One day they'll discover what's actually causing it and go from there.  I won't EVEN go into my thoughts on what those causes can be.

So with the liver issue, anemia, and the fibromyalgia... and all the not-so-lovely symptoms that come with those... I really have my work cut out for me.  Nothing was 'seen' during the EGD or colonoscopy that would explain the anemia, so the investigation would need to be continued.  I will say that my being Vegan may be exacerbating the issue, though I can't really say for sure.  My doctors weren't at all concerned with that since many plants contain iron (non-heme), and it takes 2-4 years for anemia to be a problem IF one is very strict.  Iron is added to foods such as oatmeal, bread, pasta, and it's also in many plants, of course.  The trick is making sure to have some vitamin C with the foods that are non-heme iron sources.  I'm babbling on here, so let me get back on track....

It may take my adding fish back into my diet, though I'm thinking that shouldn't really be the case.  At this point I'm willing to do whatever it takes.  So far, with my ferritin at 7.4 I don't need anything drastic like a transfusion, and I can't supplement myself---no one should!  Iron can really mess up the liver, so it's a dangerous journey to try iron supplementation on your own.

I wish I had someone to talk to about all of this, just to be able to talk it out in order to sort through the details and see a clearer version of this picture.  Ah well.  At least I have this blog.  I mean, I'm totally not up to doing anything that would put me in a position to meet people here.  I'm simply just too damn tired and crappy feeling right now.

Writing about this helps, even if it seems as if I'm yelling into a large, empty room and hearing nothing but my own voice echoing back at me.

Such is life.

A collage of irretrievable decisions

I hate taking medications.  People who know me know how much I utterly despise them.  Yes, I do understand there are times when it's necessary, but I consider 'necessary' reasons to be ones in which your life depends on that medication.  I think that rather speaks for itself.  But in the case of muscle relaxers, I have to honestly say that they are amongst the most dangerous.  If you've never taken them, or if you have and didn't read about them... you may want to make sure you absolutely require them before embarking on that journey.

I've been prescribed Flexeril.  I've had doctors in the past try to tell me to take these things for this or that, but I've always refused and chosen to ride out whatever it was.  This time, my doctor says to give it two weeks (like I've not heard that before).  I agreed, and so far I'm hating it.

Here's Flexeril's ugly truth.  Seriously, two pages of side effects.  I'm sure most muscle relaxers are similar as far as risks are concerned, but this is some nasty stuff.  I've been on it for 2 days now and feel absolutely sluggish, and I take it at night!  And here's an interesting thing about those side effects: One of the ones listed on the serious side effects is.. "Unusual dreams."  Really?  And just how am I, or anyone, to differentiate between the normal dreams and the side effect dreams?  Aren't all dreams unusual?  I don't know about you, but ALL of my dreams are unusual.

Well, basically, I'm not liking this crap one single bit and hope I can stop them before long.

Moving along....

As they say, "Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it."  Totally agree.  I've kept emails, texts, this and that for a long, long time now.  Much of it is unpleasant, while others aren't so much.  In some ways I guess I should just delete the lot of them, but I think that if I do the lines will blur between what I need to remember and what I need to forget (or at least put out of my mind).  And oh yes, I'm very adept at blurring those lines.  I'm too quick to forgive and forget, and in some ways.. that's really not a good thing at all.

I've often thought... What if I take all of those conversations and blog them?  What if I actually put them out there for the world to see, talk about it all... right here, right now, on all of my blogs?  Of course, names would be changed.  But would it help others going through what I did?  Would it help, would it hurt, and how would I feel to have it out there for the entire world to see?

All valid questions I've no answers for.

Will I do this, put it all out there for the world to see?  I'm considering it, but I'm straddling the fence at the moment.

What brought all this on?  Well, like anyone I go into my emails and attempt to clear out the clutter, and in doing so I inevitably find myself staring at older emails, those emails.  Once it's there in front of me... I just can't NOT read them.  Again.  Smart move?  Not sure about that either.  Yet, maybe it's good to remember.

Either way, I read and the lines aren't so blurred anymore.  The edges of the experience become sharper and well-defined, making it easier to see and remember exactly how things were at the time.  No longer am I able to shove the unpleasant into the background.  Again, I'm really not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing to remember.  It all just leaves me feeling.... strange...and wondering if it were all just an illusion, that I was at any point in time free from those experiences.

Are any of us ever really free from the past?

And we're off!...

Wow.  Multiple postings in one day.  How lucky are you?!  Okay.  Just kidding.  But the reason isn't a pretty one, I admit.  Today is "prep day" for that colon cleanse I mentioned before, and... well... I have to remain in close proximity to, well, never mind... let's just say where the computer is sitting is close.  M'kay?

Who knew I was going to take you on the colon cleanse journey with me?  ha!  C'mon.  Go ahead and laugh.  It's why I'm writing this.  Though my motives aren't exactly selfless.  I also need something to do while I.... wait.

At the moment I feel pretty weird.. shaky and a little queasy.  I understand the queasy part, because it's an unfortunate side effect of the process.  AND... I have to drink about 36 oz of this prep in small bottles of Gatorade that I have to actually drink every 20 minutes until it's gone.  Yeah.  If THAT doesn't make a person queasy, I don't know what will.  Well, actually I do know what else will--- my talking about this.  No worries.  I'm not going into detail.

Ooooh.... the queasiness.

Pray for me...

Reminder about my other blogs

A couple of you have sent me messages on FaceBook regarding a few issues I promised to talk about or update about.  I have.  You may have just missed where I spoke about them.  This was the problem I mentioned previously about keeping all 3 of my blogs.  But you guys begged me to keep them all, so I did. :)

So as a reminder, and to either clear up confusion or create more, here are the links to my other blogs.  You can always find them in the menu section (side bar) under Alter Ego.  Also, in case you've forgotten, mostly the separate blogs are for focus, so that all topics don't all end up getting blended together in one place.

Hope this helps...

Where Fireflies Dream

http://gothicwell.blogspot.com

All Things Ephemeral

http://autumnwhisperstome.blogspot.com

Boo’s Juicy Bits

http://boosjuicybits.blogspot.com

Each blog is designed for a specific purpose and focus, true, but all of them overlap in many ways.  I may end up burning myself out posting on one, and may not get a chance to post an entry on the others the same day, or at the same time.  There will be times, in other words, where it may appear as if I've not made an entry...when I actually have but on a different blog.

A brief explanation of the blogs may help a little bit.  Just remember that even if a topic/blog may not interest you, I may have spilled everything there and not posted elsewhere.

Where Fireflies Dream was intended to be a place for dreams, wishes, hopes, plans, goals, etc.  But it's evolved over time into something bigger than that.  That's about all I can do to explain this blog.  There are days when the focus is implied, and days when I'm speaking in contrast to what the focus actually is.

All Things Ephemeral is the original blog, the one I built and posted on about anything and everything you could possibly imagine.  I used to give quite a bit of details, which often meant deleting entries after a time that said too much.  Hence the name "All Things Ephemeral."  Now, I've not recently unloaded in detail there, so most of the entries remain intact.

NOTE:  It must be said that when I do post in great detail there the post may not remain for long.  So if you make it a habit of reading posts in this blog you probably won't miss anything.  If you wait too long.. the entry may be deleted.

Boo's Juicy Bits:  Now this blog is mainly about health and diet in the context of flirtatious fun.  With health issues wreaking havoc, however, it's changed the entries for the most part.  But as things change and I get on top of things... it will return to its original and flirty content.  I'm not about faking things to entertain, so you guys will know pretty much where I am by what you read there.

Again, ALL of these blogs intersect in some way.  They all have a purpose, to which I've tried to keep true on, but they still cross over one another in ways.

Okay.  Enough of this.  Again, you can find the links to the Alter Ego blogs in the bar to the side of each blog.

Well... this liquid diet is kicking my ass today, so I'm off here for now.

*waves*

What of my life?

Seems like this is a common theme here, doesn't it?  I suppose most pressing and important issues will make their way onto a person's journal quite frequently.  Somehow, I seem to never reach a point where I'm actually finding any solutions to the problem(s), nor do I find any answers or...whatever.  Such is the way of life, isn't it?

Today I have an oddly unsettling feeling that is actually familiar.  It's been a while since I've felt this way, and I will state, emphatically, that I do not like it one bit.  Not once in my life where I've felt this way have I been able to put into words what it is or even truly what it feels like.  All I know is that it's surreal in many ways, and a bit haunting.  What does it mean?  What do I do about it?  Why am I feeling it?  Who freaking knows?  I don't.

Off-balance.  Just simply off-balance (or not so simply).

One thing about insomnia is that it makes me so tired that I end up spending my day in a blissful haze of blurred confusion.  Meaning, I can't even tell what it is I'm confused about when I feel that way.  On one hand the fatigue, pain, and all the other terrible side effects of insomnia are horrendous and something I wouldn't wish on anyone.  Yet, on the other hand it's a blessing in disguise, because while in such a state I can't really focus, nor can I see clearly anything around me.  Oh, I can see what 's going on, but the fatigue and resulting brain fog makes it easy for me to avoid.  No.  That's not a good thing.  I get that.  But still...

I can't spend my life in that state, even though it does have its up-side.  Blissfully ignorant only lasts for so long before you lose yourself in its grasp.  If I can only just stay right here I'll be okay.  It's a lie.

Indulging in the art of distraction (from myself) wastes time.  It doesn't require any energy, which makes it even more dangerous to indulge in.  If something takes little effort you're more likely to keeping doing that 'thing.'  I realize the dangers of this, especially in my situation.  I can't drown myself in books or tv or whatever for very long, and eventually reality catches up to me and beats my ass.  Yeah, I know.  Who the hell wants to live this way?  I don't.

My flawed thinking is reckless.

I know what I need, what I need to do, and I allow the lines to blur on purpose.  Within the confines of my current environment I feel completely shackled to a life that isn't my own.  That's just the truth.  T doesn't see it, nor is he a part of any form of a 'support network.'  I've spoken about this often enough, but I've withheld details.  I've withheld a LOT of details.  Most of them, to be honest.  No matter how hard I try to open up about it all I just can't seem to.  More than likely, I suspect this reaction (or lack of one) a learned thing.  Far too many years behind me in which I've tried to talk to someone about what I'm dealing with, only to have them turn on me.

Doesn't mean I don't keep trying.

Each time I make an entry into any of my 3 blogs... I make a valiant effort to open up and speak frankly.  I will have success one day.  NOT talking about things isn't helping me.  Not at all.

I need to try harder to open up here.

Dear Dairy...

We need to talk.

They put you in almost everything, including things you really have NO business being in.  You lurk, skulk about, hiding in a deep and complicated list of ingredients and use false identities to conceal yourself.  In the human diet, you're a complete and total fraud.

Potato chips.  Why?  Why are you there?  It's not 'potato and milk chips,' so wtf are you in there?  It's a trap.  Good thing I'm not eating potato chips.

Thank goodness for an app on my phone I can use to scan any food that's processed, and not that I NEED to eat processed foods.  It just happens sometimes.  I should fix that.

As diligent as I am I'm not perfect at finding the hidden dairy in certain foods.  And OH... do I EVER pay the ultimate price when I do.  *sigh*

Dear dairy, I'm sorry.. but I broke up with you because you're a sadistic bitch who hurts me whenever I have to deal with you.  Our relationship over the years has been toxic, though I failed to see the connection between you and so much discomfort and misery.  This is the end.  We must part ways, completely and totally.

You should stick with the calves for which you were perfectly created.  And I know mankind has treated the life that holds you like garbage, living factories for human consumption.  And I'm deeply sorry for that.  So I will continue to do my part to not support the industry who do those vile and inhuman things we know happen.

As for last night---I forgive you.  I'm still breaking up with you.  But I forgive you, because you weren't meant for me.  Yes, I indulged in you unknowingly and paid a HUGE price for it.  But I forgive you just the same.

Goodbye, dairy.  I wish you well.

Dark Kiss: A crossover from my alter ego blog "All Things Ephemeral."

The memory of scent, what people call "Aromatherapy."  We've all been there and understand what it is and how powerful it can be.  So I'll skip explaining that further.  Instead, I'm going to focus on something that may help me back to 'me' again, rediscovering who I am and resurrecting what lay beneath all I carry.  Thank you, Bath & Body Works...for taking me back.... to me.

I guess I sound a little silly, right?  lol I don't mind if you think I do.  I'm happy about this.  And frankly, sounding silly is the least of my worries these days.

It's unsettling, really, having to resort to aromatherapy and other outside measures to remind me of where I was a year ago.  But whatever works.  And this does, in part, work very well to take me back...

Back to when I was calm and happy, on my own.
Back to when I felt better.  And though I didn't feel 100%...I felt 100% better than I do right now.
Back to when I still saw so much hope and possibility.
Back to when coming home felt like the most beautiful place in the world.
Back to when I was comfortable--not just with me, but with many aspects of my life.
Back to when I had the energy to indulge in my photography, doll art.
Back to when simply stepping outside, no matter the weather, felt amazing.
Back to when even spending time at home alone was peaceful and fulfilling.
Back to when I recognized who I was and where I was.

I may not have always known where I fit within this world, but I always found my way back if I got lost along the way and knew, for a time, that I just simply fit.  And that's all I needed really.

Living alone didn't always mean being alone.  I relished my 'me time' and didn't despair when I had more than enough alone time on my hands.  Oh, there were times I thought I was lonely, but looking back shows me that I had no reason to be.  And though I longed for romantic love, REAL love, not having it was never a cause for grief for me.  There was plenty of love, because of my kids.  But the whole romantic notion of love was a longing, but not a depressing one that came with a sense of emptiness.  Usually, in my time on planet earth I learned early that brand of emptiness came when I was with someone who had fallen out of love with me, or when I was with someone and realizing I shouldn't be.  No.. the lack of romantic love when I'm alone isn't a bad thing at all, though one would think so.  I mean, aren't most people driven to find their soulmate?  Something I don't believe in anymore, btw.

My place in the world now is one of complexity.  There are difficulties I deal with, certainly, but they are what they are and are simply parts of the whole, but not 'the whole.'  My biggest problem is not recognizing anything.  Have you felt this?  And trying to make order from the chaos is tiring, to say the least.  As an adult.. I should be given more respect and space to make decisions about my life, health, and how I need to proceed to become the most healthy 'me' I can.  And this, friends, is where everything falls apart.  No space.  No respect.  I can't breathe when someone is standing on my lifeline.

So I'm sitting here at the moment, blissfully alone, and surrounded by the scent of the past, reminding me of who I am and what I need to reconnect with in order to heal.  This, for a moment, is allowing me to breathe, and also to take in all the possibility I have to believe still exists.

....Stand out of my way.  Let me breathe.  Let me live.

One of those days... '..the girl that time forgot.'

A Calm Place (My 111th post)

Serenity; a complex definition in which we all can agree to disagree upon.  We all see it differently, but perhaps our longing for its life-affirming softness is one and the same.  For the most part.  All I know for sure is how absolutely vital it is for survival.

So fragile.  I can admit I have mostly no serenity whatsoever these days, though I do what I can to create it within the chaos.  Mostly I fail.  But for the times I don't I'm gifted, for one flicker of a second, with something that takes me completely back to a time... less complicated, a time when just walking through the front door of my apartment was absolute bliss.  Compared to recent life, especially.

Everyone has baggage whether they can admit it or not (denial isn't a river in Egypt, you know).  I'm completely guilty of believing I don't have baggage, and yet I always end up admitting that I do, that all people do.  We unload that baggage, unpack it carefully at times, and at others we toss it all up into the air and watch it land wherever it may... while we stand amidst the mess wondering what the hell just happened.

I can accept that I have baggage, that it's of my making for the most part, and that I am the one who can sort through the mess and attempt to clean it up so my life isn't so, well, cluttered.  But the one thing I have a great difficulty with is the baggage others pack, haphazardly, and hand to me to hold, to carry, so that I'm dragged down as I attempt to live my life beneath the weight.  It's not okay.  You can't just burden someone with a pile of BS and expect them to be normal, act normal, feel normal.  And you certainly can't expect them to be happy while carrying the crap you unloaded.  Using the word "You" loosely here, folks!  No fingers pointed here, I promise.

The one person who could make life easier, the one who has the power to just simply step back and let me breathe is the one who, I swear, goes shopping at the Bullshit Retail Outlet just to bring all that emotional crap home in order to use it to bury me, alive.  Damn.  No exaggeration.  Under an onslaught of complaining and whining and overtures meant to control me...the entire emotional purchase is suddenly mine, and I feel its crippling force as I attempt to throw it off my back and retreat--neither of which I've claimed to have any success.  It sucks.

Where is my serenity in the midst of this?  I've yet to find any but for the briefest of moments, and where those moments come from is a total mystery.  I feel like the village idiot for having allowed any of this to happen.

So where do I go from here?  Where and how to I regain my life, completely, and take full control of my life again?  These are the burning questions.  I've tried.  I've put my foot down, begged, pleaded, become angry, and... ultimately... caved under the circumstances.  I can't allow this to continue.  NO ONE should control another's life or make them feel bad for living their own life!  It's not just an exercise in patience, it's also an exercise in strength and courage.  Am I physically up for this?

I'm not amused.

Not at all.

New World [Dis]order

I don't understand the craziness.  I don't understand where I am.  I don't understand where I'm going.  But I do know who I am.  At least there's that.  Overall, life is weird and unfamiliar, and each day I make yet another attempt to feel like myself again.  This has been an ongoing struggle.  What is this new place I find myself in, and how in the hell do I get back any semblance of order?  Can I just catch a f'ing break already?

I don't EVEN have the slightest idea where to begin.  Well, that's not entirely true.  I do.  But it's only a part of jump-starting my life.  My health--it really has always come back to that.  The things I can do myself are like swimming upstream right now until a couple of things are addressed.  The answers I seek... could change everything.  So guess who feels stuck?  Yep.  Just stuck.

Tell yourself whatever you need to...

....to feel good about 'you.'

It's been a freaking busy week filled with doctor appointments, phone calls, decisions, and dealing with the remaining tasks with the new house.  I'm beyond worn out, so freaking tired.  Rescheduled my follow-up with the neurologist this week because 3 appointments in one week is about my limit.  Really.

As I get closer to answers to all the medical/health issues I find myself with more questions about the everyday life issues that I don't honestly have the energy to deal with.  Life's too short for excess BS, and so I'm finding different ways to deal with those unsavory tidbits that threaten to wreck my peace of mind.  But I'll get to that later...

I have an EGD and a second colonoscopy in 5 days.  I'm waiting on my GI doc to get his staff to schedule the liver biopsy, and I have a chest CT scan scheduled the 19th (day after the EDG & colonoscopy), then a sleep study scheduled for the 25th...

You guys may remember that, a few months ago, I had an abdominal CT due to kidney stones, and in that process they found a 11mm nodule on my lung.  Went to one lung doctor who drew a teeny tiny dot on a page and said she wasn't concerned and would do another CT in a few months "because it's so small."  I was incredibly tired that morning and knew something wasn't right about what she said.  But it didn't occur to me what it was until later that day---she had drawn a ONE MILLIMETER dot on the page.  The nodule on my lung is 11 times larger than what she thinks.  She failed to look at the paperwork, and apparently failed miserably when looking at the CT (which was on a disk I'd gotten from the radiologist).  In fact, it took her NO time at all to come into the room, so I doubt she even looked at the CT...  She messed up.  So I requested a second opinion from another doctor, because ALL trust in this doc went out the window.  What if I'd been a high risk patient with a long history of smoking?  I've never even tried cigarettes, but what if I had been high risk?  Waiting months for another CT scan due to her mistake could be disastrous.

So at the lung doctor yesterday...

He came into the room, asked a few questions, picked up the disk and said he was going to go review it.  I waited in the room for some time (unlike the visit with my first lung dr).  He came back, sat down and said.. "The nodule on your lung is larger than we like.  I'm going to schedule you for a CT scan because what you had at the hospital was of your abdomen, and so we have no idea what else if anything is going on.  You'll be getting a chest CT so we can take a good look at your lungs."

He went on to say that since I'm a non-smoker that is in my favor and that he believes the nodule is going to be benign.  But he can't know for sure until they take another look.  He also said it's going to be a watch and wait thing to see if it grows and how fast, etc.  This nodule, if benign and of inflammatory origin will most likely just calcify and nothing else will come of it.  I'm expecting this as well.  Although I grew up in a household with my mom being a HEAVY chain smoker, and one who didn't like to keep windows and doors open, I still think that I should be okay.

This doctor is awesome, absolutely awesome.  He was on the ball and really paid attention to detail.  He wasn't all cuddly and fluffy, but he was very professional and not dismissive.  The latter, of course, is always preferable.

So, once done discussing the lung issue, this doc also insisted on a sleep study because of my AFib.  Even though I'd had ablations for the AFib, SVT, and atrial flutter just last year... he said that he suspected sleep issues because of the AFib and it poses a serious health risk.  I agreed and was told to go to the sleep lab to speak to the folks over there and get scheduled.  Here's where the problems began for the day....

T drove me to the doctor's appt yesterday because he took a day off (building up massive amounts of leave and has to use it before he loses the time).  Yeah, nice of him, except for when it came time to go to the lab to get my appt set up.  His response.. "You have to go over there right now?  Today?"  *sigh*

Moving right along...

I saw my EP doc, the one who did my ablations.. to get an ultrasound and discuss The Watchman device.  Looks like I'm going to go ahead with that procedure, especially since I'm told that since I had a TIA in 2013 and had Afib that my risk of having a major stroke is "50/50," and the liver issues make me a huge risk for a major bleeding event because I'm on a blood thinner.  My ferritin is very low (anemia), and it's usually high in someone with NASH.  This could mean I have a slow bleed from a duodenal ulcer.. which is why I'm getting the EGD.  The colonoscopy is being done in case there's something going on there.  Even as a Vegan I eat the right foods, take my vitamins, and I shouldn't be anemic due to diet.

T also has a bitchy attitude towards my being Vegan.  *sigh*  He can eat whatever he wants.  I don't force him to eat Vegan.  But he's bitchy about it.  Mean in many ways.

Lord have mercy, but this shit has got to stop.  Life is WAY too short for bitching about what a person chooses to eat or not eat.  *sigh*

He rationalizes his indifference, his bitchiness, his rigidity towards just allowing me to be myself and live my life.  I don't say it aloud, but I often think to myself during his 'episodes'... "Tell yourself whatever you need to.. to feel better about 'you.'"

There really isn't enough time to waste on BS.  I'm striving for better health and to get my energy back.  It's necessary.

.... So much more to say but too little energy to type right now.  Maybe I'll come back after a break.

Breathe...

Been a messed up couple of weeks.  Sitting here in blissful quiet, which I didn't think I would have considering it's a weekend.  Needing space, quality time outside of the house on my own.  On.  My.  Own.  Feeling cramped, claustrophobic, needing to stretch my wings, though tired.  Dear God, but I do need a vacation, and one in which I travel alone.  You've NO idea just how much this is needed.

Some days I just want to call out... "JUST WAIT!" and have the entire symmetry of my life become still, quiet, and peaceful.  I want to stop the buzz of BS and have that calm wash over me.  This is a necessity, people.  A necessity that is vital to my survival.

I watched a show last night in which the main character was on the beach, Pacific coast of California. They did little to muffle the sound of the sea crashing against the rocks and sighing on the sand.  I was instantly transported to somewhere inside me... and all at once I knew I had to hear the sea again.  NEED to hear it again.  It's transforming, that sound.  And I miss it beyond description.

Have to get past the health issues, but I plan on going SOMEWHERE, preferably where I can see and hear and smell the ocean.  And it will have to be a part of the coast that isn't known for its calm waves.  No.  I need the full-on roar of the Pacific.

For now... I'll just keep breathing.

PART 2: The absence of compassion when it's most needed.

For as long as I can remember I've felt it, nourished it, and saw in others its absence.  This is not said with pride, but with humility, because having compassion means you feel deeply.  It's not always a comfortable feeling.  In fact, most of the time it down right hurts.  But, honestly, I couldn't imagine my life without it.

While this entry is steeped in total selfishness, I also recognize within me (as I speak/write) that part of me that reaches outward into those hollow places where love and compassion are missing, knowing that if I could just reach far enough... maybe I can help that fill that void.. even if for only a moment.  Sustainable compassion is a must, and it takes from the soul, the spirit, the heart... and paints the dark with with hope.

I've had a soft spot for animals since before I started kindergarten, and I lived with a mother who possessed absolutely NO compassion for animals whatsoever.  I can't even begin to tell you the horrors I endured, and how they utterly changed me early on.  Even when small I felt it---the need to help, to save, to give love and kindness.  It often got me into great trouble, though.  But this entry isn't about animals, really.  I simply want to show the greater part of me that is often the reason for my bewilderment when humans remain indifferent to others... human and animal alike.  So WTH does this have to do with me or my situation?  Well, quite a lot actually.  Because when compassion is felt and acted on... the absence of it is glaring by comparison.

Trust me, I'm going somewhere with this.

When compassion is called for it doesn't always mean we spring into action like some theatrical superhero.  Many times compassion calls for real action, stepping up to do something significant.  But many times... it just means listening intently and recognizing the emotion in the other person and feeling something.  It's a given that when you feel nothing towards another living being's suffering, you lack compassion.  The good news is, unless you're a sociopath... this can be fixed.

Fixed.  I'm not here on planet earth to fix anyone, nor do I have the desire to.  It's not also my place to judge or decide who needs to fix something.  We all have our opinions, and they don't necessarily have anything at all to do with the other person..except in how it affects us, or those whom we hold compassion for.  Make sense?  Have I lost you yet?

Compassion begins with kindness.  Not the robotic responses that many call 'an act of kindness' they often rely on.  But REAL kindness, the kind that makes you feel something and want to act as a response---emotion precedes the actual action.

Compassion gets your attention.  It makes you want to help, to alleviate the pain and suffering you see with your eyes, and driven by your heart that act that follows will look and feel as real as it is.  People can tell when you're simply going through the motions.  Including me.

When I hear T make jokes, or laugh, or see him shrug off things that are important to me, or something that's causing stress or grief or anxiety... it not only hurts, but it also causes me to retreat in order to protect myself, but it also destroys trust and elicits a silence about the important things about my life.  No one sings to a deaf person in their own voice without a translator.  Well, unless you sing to them in a way that they can hear you.  This is the art of communication.

Once trust leaves, communication is crippled.  I give people way too many chances, to tell you the truth, and I endure much until I'm completely over it all.  And I often do this to my detriment.  The place where I find myself now is that protective place where NO ONE gets in but for a select few (my sons, for example).  I will only talk about the important issues with someone I trust, someone who doesn't lack compassion or caring, those who aren't indifferent.  I think most of us are this way, wouldn't you say?

These days I do my research in silence, sharing what I learn and the resulting emotions, thoughts, feelings, opinions, etc... with no one.  I don't share these things with my kids because, as a mom, I don't want to upset or burden them with my health issues.  If it becomes necessary, things they need to know they will know.  But outside of that, I'm going this alone.  What an unsettling and familiar place this is.

I will get past this, and I will keep moving forward, learning and adjusting my life, thinking, and approach (and so much more) to the recent changes.  It will be my battle, my journey, my healing, and mine alone.  It's okay, though.  I've come a long way to get here.  And it's not like I've not learned anything I didn't need to know along the way.

I've no idea what the next few weeks will hold, or even what the tests and procedures will reveal.  The unknown is there, staring me down, and there's not a damn thing I can do but wait and see what else is revealed.  Only then will I know what to do next.  So many questions remain as to how I will react to anything I discover in all of this health business.

All I can do is wait...

PART 1: The wait, and a level of inappropriateness in others.

There's not enough caffein in my system right now.  Writing is coming out rather disjointed, no matter what I do or how many times I attempt a re-write.  Some days are just like this.

Yesterday.  The appointment held nothing remarkable for me, nor anything surprising as I'd already seen my labs.  Dr. Vip (What they call him..shortened name) explained the results of my lab work and discussed, but only briefly, the tests coming up on the 18th.  He wasn't "unequivocal" regarding doing a biopsy but reminded me that it was the "Gold standard" in seeing what's REALLY going on in the liver.  It isn't without its risks, so it's not a test doctors jump on right off unless they have absolute need, such in the case of alcoholics who have liver disease.  This isn't the case with me, so the decision was made guardedly.  No need for unnecessary risks.

The biopsy will show what labs won't show, and it's going to be ultrasound-guided so they take the sample from a place that will give enough information.  Then I will have to be there for 4-6 hours afterwards, unmoving, so they can keep an eye on my vitals and watch for problems--which usually means bleeding.  At least it's a day procedure, but it's going to make for a long day just the same.

I've watched the procedure online and have spoken with those in a group online who've had this done.  It's no small thing.  But I knew that.  The needle is inserted between the ribs (total eeewness!), and the procedure is fairly fast.  As for the level of pain, many say it feels like being punched in the gut, while others felt little.  But then some opted out of sedation---who does that?  I'm definitely opting for sedation just because the idea of what they're going to do is going to give me the heebie jeebies.

Following the procedure I will be there for some time to watch for the bleeding (as mentioned), and I won't be allowed to move, not even to use the restroom.  Here's where things get weird for me...  I'm not sure if I want T in the room with me or not, as he rarely helps in situations like this.  Mostly.. I do better on my own.  I'm not allowed to drive afterwards, so he will have to drive.  That's fine.  But I don't know how to handle his being there afterwards.  Why not?....

T is not a terrible person, but he often has inappropriate responses to certain situations.  This has been a huge problem for me for some time now, and I find myself wanting a LOT of distance when I don't feel well, and also when I have to have something important done.  This didn't happen in a vacuum, and it wasn't difficult for me to get here.  I'm back to being very self-protective again.

An example of these inappropriate behaviors include, but are not limited to (by any means!) laughing or finding humor when the situation or discussion, etc. is anything but humorous.  I've only met one other person who is like this.. and she freaked me out on a regular basis.  When this sort of behavior shows itself.. it's a bit like watching someone laugh at a funeral.  Yeah.  It's THAT inappropriate.

Not everyone has compassion, though everyone 'thinks' they do.  And not all who have little compassion are bad people---they just have a bit of ice in their veins is all.  And no, I'm not making light of this.  Many people get along with folks like that, but it's usually those who are the same way themselves.  I'm not one of those people, so this causes a great deal of dissension.  But that's another talk show.

Where am I in all of this?  Now that I can answer...

I'm in self-protection mode and have been for some time.  I'm facing something that doesn't qualify on the same level as getting blood drawn, to say the least, and I feel like I'm going it alone... while feeling also like I WANT to go it alone.  Weird.  But true.  So much damage... that's all I can say.  So much damage to get me to this place.

All I want to do is get better, to heal, to feel energetic again, to embrace life with vitality and enthusiasm again and not feel as if I'm 5 years old being told what to do, what not to do, and unable to make choices for myself.  THAT is what I want!

....compelled to let it all out.  In some way, anyway.

I need another cup of coffee and another entry to continue....

Told you!  It's one of those days.

Well, thank you Captain Obvious!

Everyone has an opinion.  Everyone.  Some are helpful, some are not, some are stupid as hell, while others are absolutely golden.  Not saying most aren't worthwhile.  I'm just saying that a person REALLY needs to know when to offer that opinion, and when to just shut up and give that person respect.  Respect vs. opinion.  Yeah, that's a no-brainer.  Or at least it should be.

So, with a health issue comes research, a gathering of information in order to help oneself.  No different here with me.  I research, unbiased, and stick to the appropriate sources for information. Because consulting Dr. Google isn't going to give you anything except a false idea that you're going to die from a common cold.  Having said that, I think most people choose to take responsibility for their own health and set about to find out what they can do to facilitate improvement, and to also how to avoid pitfalls and making the situation worse.  Another a no-brainer.

Now, about those well-meaning individuals who, in all their 'wisdom and expertise,' tell you that having a healthy diet and partaking in daily exercise will fix what's wrong.  Well, thank you Captain Obvious!  *sigh*  I don't mean to say that suggestions offered have no merit.  Many do.  But many are really just a waste of my time, to be honest.  Give me some credit for having a brain, and for being smart enough at this stage of the game in my life to know what's good and bad for me.

So, when I begin to look at the plethora of information out there about NASH, for example, it tells me a lot, but in completely general terms.  What I WANT to know is what people are actually doing to improve the situation, what their experiences are.  Is that so hard?  And no, I'm never impolite or mean to anyone who offers up the obvious, but I do feel a bit annoyed when they push their suggestions, assuming I'm not already doing... well, the obvious.  I simply smile, say thank you, and try to change the subject quickly when I know it's not going anywhere.

Good grief.

Here's my humble suggestion to anyone feeling as if they have to offer an opinion:  Ask yourself if what you're going to say is obvious.  Then, and most importantly, ask yourself if the person you're talking to has the capacity to extract such obvious information from sources outside yourself.  This means, is it something their doctor(s) could have already addressed?  Is it something anyone can find on Wikipedia?  If so, maybe it's just best to listen to that person, because that is far more helpful than offering up something that could, in fact, insult their intelligence.

The exception to the above---is actual expertise.  I mean, you're a doctor specializing in that field, or you're someone who is going through the same thing and know what works, what doesn't, what to do if it's not 'fixable,' what you do to manage.. etc.

God bless those who try and help.  And I truly mean that.  Again, I'm not mean or disrespectful to those who end up stating the obvious, I just wish they would give me credit for being able to find the most obvious of information, or... that I would already know certain things.

You know what I mean.  Right?

*sigh* lol

When a post sits in "Draft" for over 2 years

8/6/2013 I wrote an entry I never published.  It sits even now in 'draft' while I refuse to make it go away once and for all.  I'm not sure what to make of it, and I'm definitely not sure what to say about it.  I only know that from time to time I read it to make sure, perhaps, that I don't forget.

What the hell
does that
even
mean?

Extreme - More Than Words

Beach Glass -- Take Me Home

As we're coming to the end of the house renovations I'm left to the task of choosing art.  I love this part... I really do.  To be honest, I had no idea things were going to go this far with the house, but often with the case with renovations, once one update is finished you find yourself paying attention to that which is not done.  By contrast, what you 'thought' was okay... is sometimes not.  Months down the road you find yourself looking at a mostly new home. lol  It's okay.  What had to be done had to be done, and things are coming together nicely.  It's really turning out quite beautiful.  In the midst of health issues, creating beauty is very therapeutic.

Boy was I surprised.  I honestly approached things with a neutrality that I thought would work rather globally over the entire project, though parts of me knew what I needed long-term.  My spirit reaches  for peace, tranquility, beauty, balance, happiness, joy, light, color, sound, scents.  Where this was going to take me was back, way back, to my childhood.  At first I was surprised, but then that feeling quickly turned to excitement.  I knew I was on the right track when I found myself suddenly looking for beach glass.  Not an easy thing to do in Alabama.  So... like any self-respecting woman I took to window shopping---the internet way.  I was not disappointed.

To make a rather long story as short as possible, let's just say I was very successful in finding my beach glass..taking care that it wasn't man-made, in a matter of speaking.  Meaning...someone didn't break colorful glass and run the pieces through a rock tumbler.  Oh yeah, I know what people are capable of.  Not to say the faux beach glass isn't beautiful.. I just wanted the real deal.  But as I was to discover, sometimes you can relax a bit and just let what comes to you... well, come to you.

I ended up purchasing a sterling silver and beach glass necklace.  Though I've yet to have anywhere to where it, I treasure it and know I won't be sick for long and will be able to wear this gorgeous piece of jewelry....

Am I boring you yet?

I also purchased a couple of very small bags of beach glass, which are beautiful btw, and I found a couple of small, prettily-shaped clear bottles at a local store to put them in.  I love the results.  But my treasure hunt didn't stop there.

I was in a local T.J. Mass store and found myself on a row of nautical goodies.  For anyone NOT familiar with this store---they never have the same stuff all of the time.  This store buys, at a great discount, from other retail sources.  In other words, you never know what you'll find there.  It's really quite awesome.  So anyway, here I was on this isle and feeling that excitement... I knew I'd stumbled onto something cool.  And that's putting it lightly.

As I stood there looking at the sea (no pun intended) of 'beach' items.. I spotted a couple of clear containers filled with small bits of blue, green, and white... and a scattering of tiny shells.  But MY focus and attention went straight to those smooth, irregularly-shaped bits of color.  Beach glass!!

I couldn't believe my eyes and felt this IMMEDIATE rush.  I had spent several days scouring the internet for beach glass, trying to find the right balance of.. price, authenticity, color, sizes.  And just a few days later I find fairly good-sized containers filled with this beautiful sea art.  I was ecstatic.

So what the heck does this have to do with house renovations?  Everything.  You see, I knew instinctively what to choose, what colors to paint the walls, knowing that in the kitchen, breakfast nook, and the dining room... that I had to have bright floors, color, and so forth.  Everything, beginning with the master bathroom (where this whole thing began), became brighter.  And something was taking shape, though I didn't recognize it right away.  However, a designer our contractor knows was brought in to get advice on something (which I didn't go with, actually) recognized what was developing within that house.  She told him, "Oh!  She's going for the beach cottage look!"  The contractor passed this on to me and... it opened my eyes.

All the colors, all of the textures, etc... were right there.  I'd been doing this the entire time, and it began with beach glass.  The paint on the walls of the dining room, in fact, is called... "Beach Glass," and it's made by Benjamin Moore.

Today, the framed photographic art was purchased for the walls between the windows in the formal dining room, and I ran across them while looking for... dining room chair cushions.  So, I may not be exactly proficient in LOA... but I'm successful these days. :)

Next step... the sun room...

I know this looks terribly impersonal.  But I assure you.. it's not.  "I" haven't changed, but my taste in my surroundings has.  Significantly.  I surrounded myself with something I really need, and it feels really good when I'm left alone to be happy.  That's another talk show I can't explain right now, but I'm allowing myself the freedom to feel happy and good when I'm alone, like now.  And I need all this alone time more than I can say.  So I continue to submerge myself in the happy feelings that come with memories so very far away, from a childhood of intense restriction.  To live only 2-3 blocks from the beach and never be allowed to go there.  Damn, if I get into that story this entry will never end.  Being able to visit the beach only under certain circumstances, well, it sucked, especially when I could hear the waves 24/7.  So close.  So very close.

I will always be a California girl, though I can't really say I would want to live there again.  Many reasons, and yet another talk show.  And while I never really spoke about it...I long to see the central California coast, and that longing is an ever-present current in my life.

Wow... getting off track here a bit.

Anyway, I guess I'm just baring a part of my soul here, a part that oftentimes clashes with the greater part of me (my inner Wednesday Addams).  Can I just choose to say I'm 'multi-faceted' and leave it at that? lol

Okay, this is yet another post that reads a bit like 'War & Peace.'  I'll leave it here and move on to the next thing... in a bit.

**waves** (no pun intended).