So fragile. I can admit I have mostly no serenity whatsoever these days, though I do what I can to create it within the chaos. Mostly I fail. But for the times I don't I'm gifted, for one flicker of a second, with something that takes me completely back to a time... less complicated, a time when just walking through the front door of my apartment was absolute bliss. Compared to recent life, especially.
Everyone has baggage whether they can admit it or not (denial isn't a river in Egypt, you know). I'm completely guilty of believing I don't have baggage, and yet I always end up admitting that I do, that all people do. We unload that baggage, unpack it carefully at times, and at others we toss it all up into the air and watch it land wherever it may... while we stand amidst the mess wondering what the hell just happened.
I can accept that I have baggage, that it's of my making for the most part, and that I am the one who can sort through the mess and attempt to clean it up so my life isn't so, well, cluttered. But the one thing I have a great difficulty with is the baggage others pack, haphazardly, and hand to me to hold, to carry, so that I'm dragged down as I attempt to live my life beneath the weight. It's not okay. You can't just burden someone with a pile of BS and expect them to be normal, act normal, feel normal. And you certainly can't expect them to be happy while carrying the crap you unloaded. Using the word "You" loosely here, folks! No fingers pointed here, I promise.
The one person who could make life easier, the one who has the power to just simply step back and let me breathe is the one who, I swear, goes shopping at the Bullshit Retail Outlet just to bring all that emotional crap home in order to use it to bury me, alive. Damn. No exaggeration. Under an onslaught of complaining and whining and overtures meant to control me...the entire emotional purchase is suddenly mine, and I feel its crippling force as I attempt to throw it off my back and retreat--neither of which I've claimed to have any success. It sucks.
Where is my serenity in the midst of this? I've yet to find any but for the briefest of moments, and where those moments come from is a total mystery. I feel like the village idiot for having allowed any of this to happen.
So where do I go from here? Where and how to I regain my life, completely, and take full control of my life again? These are the burning questions. I've tried. I've put my foot down, begged, pleaded, become angry, and... ultimately... caved under the circumstances. I can't allow this to continue. NO ONE should control another's life or make them feel bad for living their own life! It's not just an exercise in patience, it's also an exercise in strength and courage. Am I physically up for this?
I'm not amused.
Not at all.
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