Yesterday. The appointment held nothing remarkable for me, nor anything surprising as I'd already seen my labs. Dr. Vip (What they call him..shortened name) explained the results of my lab work and discussed, but only briefly, the tests coming up on the 18th. He wasn't "unequivocal" regarding doing a biopsy but reminded me that it was the "Gold standard" in seeing what's REALLY going on in the liver. It isn't without its risks, so it's not a test doctors jump on right off unless they have absolute need, such in the case of alcoholics who have liver disease. This isn't the case with me, so the decision was made guardedly. No need for unnecessary risks.
The biopsy will show what labs won't show, and it's going to be ultrasound-guided so they take the sample from a place that will give enough information. Then I will have to be there for 4-6 hours afterwards, unmoving, so they can keep an eye on my vitals and watch for problems--which usually means bleeding. At least it's a day procedure, but it's going to make for a long day just the same.
I've watched the procedure online and have spoken with those in a group online who've had this done. It's no small thing. But I knew that. The needle is inserted between the ribs (total eeewness!), and the procedure is fairly fast. As for the level of pain, many say it feels like being punched in the gut, while others felt little. But then some opted out of sedation---who does that? I'm definitely opting for sedation just because the idea of what they're going to do is going to give me the heebie jeebies.
Following the procedure I will be there for some time to watch for the bleeding (as mentioned), and I won't be allowed to move, not even to use the restroom. Here's where things get weird for me... I'm not sure if I want T in the room with me or not, as he rarely helps in situations like this. Mostly.. I do better on my own. I'm not allowed to drive afterwards, so he will have to drive. That's fine. But I don't know how to handle his being there afterwards. Why not?....
T is not a terrible person, but he often has inappropriate responses to certain situations. This has been a huge problem for me for some time now, and I find myself wanting a LOT of distance when I don't feel well, and also when I have to have something important done. This didn't happen in a vacuum, and it wasn't difficult for me to get here. I'm back to being very self-protective again.
An example of these inappropriate behaviors include, but are not limited to (by any means!) laughing or finding humor when the situation or discussion, etc. is anything but humorous. I've only met one other person who is like this.. and she freaked me out on a regular basis. When this sort of behavior shows itself.. it's a bit like watching someone laugh at a funeral. Yeah. It's THAT inappropriate.
Not everyone has compassion, though everyone 'thinks' they do. And not all who have little compassion are bad people---they just have a bit of ice in their veins is all. And no, I'm not making light of this. Many people get along with folks like that, but it's usually those who are the same way themselves. I'm not one of those people, so this causes a great deal of dissension. But that's another talk show.
Where am I in all of this? Now that I can answer...
I'm in self-protection mode and have been for some time. I'm facing something that doesn't qualify on the same level as getting blood drawn, to say the least, and I feel like I'm going it alone... while feeling also like I WANT to go it alone. Weird. But true. So much damage... that's all I can say. So much damage to get me to this place.
All I want to do is get better, to heal, to feel energetic again, to embrace life with vitality and enthusiasm again and not feel as if I'm 5 years old being told what to do, what not to do, and unable to make choices for myself. THAT is what I want!
....compelled to let it all out. In some way, anyway.
I need another cup of coffee and another entry to continue....
Told you! It's one of those days.
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